Wrestling’s 4R’s 9.14.07: RETRO Unforgiven, Khali Takes Out Rey, Elijah to Challenge Punk, Horswaggle is the Bastard and More!

iMpact 9.06.07:

The Right:

Tomko vs. Kazarian – Impact kicked off the week with young Kazarian battling Tomko. At first I thought that this would be a complete mismatch, but thankfully my worries were put to rest with a very good little match. Tomko has been good in his TNA run, working hard and never sandbagging that I have seen. I have been a Kazarian supporter ever since he was in the company, out of the company and back in the company. He is a very underutilized talent, so seeing him get a feud and good TV time makes me happy. Roode costing Kazarian the match was predictable, as it adds into their feud and PPV match coming up. The way Tomko has been booked he needed to win this match, so I thought that this was a good end. Kazarian never looked bad here, he worked hard and Tomko sold for him, and kept things balanced. And really, can we not have anyone that gets along? I echo Byers’ statement of can we not put one unit together that doesn’t argue! I know there are some, but there are just as many that argue and that is classic Russo.

Kurt Angle and Sting © vs. “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal and Abyss – As I have said in the past, I have no problem with and actually LOVE when they do the “tag team match to combine feuds” on go home shows. This one made a lot of sense when you think about it. First of all, Angle and Sting, in kayfabe needed a tune up match together, so this fits the bill there. Secondly, Lethal and Abyss are two of Angle’s opponents at the PPV so they combines two feuds there, to give us a good TV main event. They all worked hard, Machismo played Morton, and Abyss got the hot tag and ran wild. It looked as if we would get the predictable ending of Angle winning, but I was pleasantly surprised when Abyss got the clean pin going into the PPV. I dug that. Finally, and they pushed it a bit here with too many things going on, but I liked the end. Mitchell comes out and Abyss goes after him because he wants to find this new monster and wants revenge on Mitchell. And while Angle is laid out, Team Pacman comes out to give a special autograph to “the big dog” of TNA. Sting makes the save and we end the show. This was fine stuff here, and a pretty good way to go home.

puRgatory:

Joe vs. Raven – This was a classic example of an Impact Special right here. Raven and Joe have a match, they battle for close to 2-minutes and then they shoot to a commercial. We come back from commercial and they go for 1-minute and then that was that. You cannot accomplish jack nor shit in these types of matches. But while this wasn’t what we wanted, the after match angle was. AJ Styles had gotten involved in the match, trying to cost Joe the bout but failed. Joe decided after the match that he needed to kill young AJ for this, but as he tried Tomko ran out and the numbers began to get to Joe. Cage then hit the ring and laid out Joe with a chair shot, and then they handcuffed Joe to the ropes. Joe’s Dance Team/Family members hit the ring to protect Joe, which was a bad idea. They got tossed from the ring, all but one young man who was then treated to the One Man Con-Chair-To! Joe was trapped, enraged, PISSED OFF EVEN and this saved the entire thing. This was good emotion, a good angle and I liked it in the end.

Almost – We were close to the 15-minute base I would like to see, the match time grew to over 14-minutes, so I did want to note the attempted improvement there from past weeks. And the main event match was actually very good and DID feel important for once, so that is another good thing. But as I have said, I still feel that they need to offer up as close to as much wrestling time as there are commercials. There are 18-20 minutes of commercials per episode of Impact. So hence forth as I have said, I feel that there should be around 15-18-minutes of wrestling action per week, minimum on Impact. I think that is an important thing. They need to show enough wrestling to make people want to buy a PPV. No one buys a show based off of 2-minute matches, run ins and no finishes. And I would suggest I am right, look at TNA’s buyrates.

The Wrong:

Storm vs. Rhino – While I have found the Strom Pub Crawl humorous in weeks past, this was the go home to the PPV, and all we got was Storm infiltrating an AA meeting and making jokes again. Rhino then CALLED IN to the Impact Zone, I wonder if Tenay still has the Commissioner Gordon Red Phone? Anyway, he said he would be at No Surrender, with an, “I want to Kill you look on his face.” And that was that. Now if they were really going to do it, THIS would have been the perfect time to pull that “Real Bar Room brawl” deal. But instead, all we had was Rhino off of TV for 4-weeks and Storm doing wacky segments. Don’t get me wrong, James Storm is awesome, but I just don’t think that this was the best way to go about things, and I do not see how this would convince anyone to buy the PPV.

The Ridiculous:

Nadda~!

SmackDown 9.07.07

Okay, first of all, let’s get this out in the open; from last week:

Second, how bout those VMAs, huh? I was surprised to see Brooke Hogan opening the show…sucks her valium kicked in at such an inopportune time. And, seriously, do you know what’s the difference between a Sarah Silverman routine and extreme cock and ball torture? A safe word. Still, she’s better than Kathy Griffith…you could shave with that bitch’s voice.

The Right:

Pee Wee’s Magic Word of the week…Continuitypalooza! – This match kicked a hell of a lot of old school tag team ass! This was a display of how easy it is to make sense by keeping it simple. Again, we’ve found a role for Kane and Finlay, stemming from last week’s tournament (see? Tolja tournaments rule!), and the issue continues to hyperbole between Batista and Khali. After what seemed to be to me an off week last week for our beloved commentators, Michael Cole and JBL, they were back on in spades tonight, mentioning all of the recent (and even not-so-recent) history existing among these four performers. JBL: “It’s not like you have to make Kane mad; you wake up in the morning and look in the mirror if you’re Kane and you’re mad,” “Khali is monkey butt ugly.” Well done!

Last week I was critical of Batista, The Animal appearing to have “gone soft”, afraid he was overdoing the sympathetic face routine and not being vicious enough in the ring to counter it. Well he fired up tonight, all Right, savaging Finlay in the corner to the four-count in the early going. Also, as well as Kane has played such an incredible heel in the past, he was absolutely impressive as the face-in-peril here, having to fire up and take back the match on his own after Batista took a shillelagh to the kidneys. And, yes, I’ll say it. Khali is amazing me…he looked great here tonight and I’ve no complaints. All in all, Kane gets a measure of revenge on Finlay, Batista stays hungry and gets some action on Khali and the World Champion continues to impress. Good stuff all the way around!

The single-most consistent segment of the year – This story unfolding between Matt Hardy and MVP is, quite simply, the best thing to happen to professional wrestling in EONS, down to the little things (MVP’s VIP Lounge has a velvet rope and a bouncer! Holy 54!).

MVP is emerging as one of the single-most cerebral performers in WWE history. Dude is playing EVERYONE. He’s using the WWETTTs as a prop to 1) give himself more gold to wear, 2) taunt Deuce & Domino, who want their belts back, into pounding Matt for him, and 3) keep Matt away from the UST. In so doing, he’s using Lenny & Squiggy as a means to keep Matt off of him, forcing Matt to compete against them, as he stands by and pulls the strings. He even uses Matt’s declaration that he’ll win any challenge MVP throws at him here tonight as MVP accepts a one-on-one between Matt and Deuce on Matt’s behalf without his partner’s knowledge. This is a similar such psychology as is being employed over on Raw with respect to Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch, but to a much greater degree, with more dedication and better performers. This is so good, it simply must be experienced. If you’re not watching SD!, you are completely missing out on one of the most richly textured and smoothly executed wrestling angles since the Attitude years…and it keeps getting better!

Someone will say “I Quit” tonight…and it won’t be Booker or Flair– This match was simply captivating. Although I’d have liked to have seen the two battle a bit before involving weapons, Rey Mysterio and Chavo Guerrero have already been there, done that, bought the remix; besides, Chavo threw down the proverbial gauntlet in the pre-match promo with respect to the chair, the opponents’ smoking gun from their previous showdown, so, again, continuity reigns and everything made perfect sense.

What I found so noteworthy tonight was Rey’s uncharacteristic brutality…and I loved it! If there’s one thing his arsenal of quick fire moves lacks, it’s nastiness, and I think, in the overall, it does him a disservice. Tonight, however, he was out for Shabbo’s blood on his way to a WT shot in innovative fashion. This reminded me of an old school ECW match (and I don’t mean that crap on Tuesdays, either).

The finish was poetry. Rey cuts off Chavo’s attempt at a frog splash, crotching Chavo atop the buckle, then nails him with a chair, Chavo toppling over into a modified tree of woe. There then was a great shot of Rey seeing the poetic justice unfolding before him and, as Paul Fucking Heyman used to say, he was like a shark that smells blood, climbing the buckles and without a trace of hesitation or remorse, assaulted Chavo’s knee with the chair until Chavo screamed, “I Quit!” Brilliant, vicious match! Too bad Chavo’s taking a 30-day vacation.

Who wants a ride? – Okay, that was a CREEPY ass Undertaker video tonight, with that Little House on the Prairie-era horse-drawn hearse being driven by the druid, clad in the black cowl, Taker appearing and disappearing on the hill behind it. Mark Henry stomped to the ring, to confront the druid (assuming, the same in the video), but as soon as he laid hands on him/her/it, the lights dropped, and, when they came back up, Henry held an empty cowl (which means either the druid vaporized or there was a nekked druid streaking like Brian Kendrick through the arena). Henry was understandably startled. Taker’s done a fantastic job of breaking down Henry’s resolve over the weeks and Henry’s, likewise, done a remarkable job in displaying his gradual evaporation of confidence. I echo my sentiment that I hope he’s not going anywhere.

Who’d have thought the only Guerrero left on WWE-TV would be Vickie – Two weeks and counting till the wedding that will lay the foundation for what I expect to be chaos when whatever plan Vickie and Kristal “Drive-In” Marshall have been cooking against General Manager Teddy Long comes to fruition. (Why “Drive-In, you ask? Because you could show a movie on that forehead.) It’s fairly obvious that’s NOT Kristal’s mom calling on that krunked-out cell phone…one wonders if this mystery man will figure into the plot or if it’s just something to remind us that T-Long is getting played? This has been a long time coming, so I hope we get a killer pay-off…!

Ride a hog, score some poontang – I gotta say, I love Kenny and Victoria’s pre-match/pseudo-boxing ritual with the water and the bucket. How long before an opponent is struck over the head with it, one wonders…? Even more so, though, do I dig pairing Chuck Palumbo with Michelle McCool. She looks good on the back of that bike, her legs wrapped around Chuck’s waist (good thing Chuck doesn’t wear little Speedo trunks; his finisher could be a poke in the eye) and I’m hoping this isn’t just a temporary thing, to continue her animosity with Victoria, because Chuck having a hottie on the outside who can actually wrestle makes him a lot more interesting. I don’t know if it’s Michelle, or if he’s stepping things up in light of the suspensions, realizing this is his chance to really climb the ranks, but he really had a lot of accomplished presence tonight, a good thing to be certain, though JBL is still going way overboard putting him over.

Kenny wrestled a smart match (and a better match than we would have gotten out of Ol’ Two Strikes Chris Masters), working the damaged shoulder, but made that one crucial mistake, allowing Palumbo the convincing victory, selling the shoulder superbly the entire rest of the match. Michelle laid out Victoria with a hell of a roundhouse kick on the outside, too. It appears things aren’t over between these teams…at least I hope not, because Kenny has too much to offer than to be made Stevie Richards II.

puRgatory:

Dick In A Box – The Wile E. Coyote/Roadrunner shenanigans between Jamie Noble and Horny Bastard rides very high in puRgatory. The backstage hilarity involving the trap Noble set for the CWC (complete with a box of Lucky Charms!) was predictable, but functional and absolutely funny as hell. As I said last week, an athletic contest is out of the question, but hopefully we’ll get an entertaining one instead, and it was my opinion that, yes, this was quite entertaining. I’d still prefer a solid match for the CWT, but this is actually a fun change-up, as long as Noble can get some heat back somehow and, once again, become a serious, solid viable performer. I’d still have loved it if Horny Bastard would have Riverdanced on Noble’s back as he walked over him.

And, boy, did Kennedy screw the pooch. Up the butt. No rubber. With a little corkscrew action in there. Vince’s bastard is revealed in his home freaking town, the crowd chanting his name in expectation, when Vince shoots them down, saying, “No, it’s not Kennedy; he was suspended for impersonating a McMahon.” Yeah, shooting juice up his butt and lying about it to the fans. But Horny Bastard makes sense. Like I said last week, it’s in the name, both of them, really. He’s a little bastard, figuratively and literally, and Vince hornswoggles $40 a month out of a lot of people reading this via his PPVs. Plus, they’re both Irish. I just have a feeling, though, that this is a short-term (hahaha) resolution, and, that once Kennedy’s suspension completes, it will be discovered there was an error in the DNA testing and that Kennedy is, indeed, after all, the bastard McMahon. Remember, in WWE, punishment = push. Just ask John Morrison.

Sometimes it sucks to be Right – I suggested last week that Rey’s involvement in the main event at UNFORGIVEN was simply a means to facilitate Batista back into the WT picture, and I was Right. It was no grand means of prognostication on my part, it was pretty obvious. Quite frankly, it’s kind of a good thing, because we saw how effective Rey is alone against Khali, but I still wish they’d stop using him as a prop and a stop-gap. Here Rey goes out and has a stellar match with Chavo, gathers a ton of momentum, and Khali wipes him out in a matter of minutes, and made him break a perfectly good blood pellet, forcing Big Dave to make the save and, thus, be added to the PPV main event, as if to say, “Well, Rey, you kinda suck, so despite the tournament last week, we’re going to add the guy you beat in the semis. You know, so you don’t DIE.” I understand, and it will make for a much better match, but if McMahonagement wants to make Batista/Khali, make Batista/Khali.

The wRong:

NADDA!

Remember people, show Geoff some love by emailing him here: [email protected]

RAW 9.10.07:

The Right:

London vs. Cade – Our in ring action kicked off with what I like to refer to as the old school “Captain’s Match” as Lance Cade did battle with Paul London. They did mention the title switches in South Africa, which was smart I thought as it adds some more heat to the feud. Unfortunately they would only get three-minutes to work, but they made the most of it I thought. They worked hard, and it looked as if the Dervish would get the advantage by being sneaky, but the referee stopped Murdoch from getting involved. This allowed young Brian Kendrick to run in, get the sliced bread #2 on Cade, which led to London getting his standing shooting star press for the win. This was great because the Dervish got a taste of their own medicine, it adds to the feud and gives the fans the hope that the faces have a chance. This was fine stuff here.

Orton and Cena – Young Randall K. Orton made his way to the ring this week, to rub some more salt in the wound of John Cena. He explained that John was home, barred from the building and probably watching Raw with his father. With the lights and sound down low, because he kicked Pappa Cena’s head off to Concussionville. He said that this was history, one year with Cena as the champion, one year of beating the biggest and best, but now by concussing Pappa Cena, he has the edge because he is in Cena’s head. John Cena DID in fact appear, wading through a sea of security guys and brawling shortly with Orton. Cena would eventually force his way backstage and face off with Vince. Cena told him to listen up because he is going to talk to him as a man. Vince knows what it is like to have and love his father, and he knows that Cena will make the blood run as he goes for vengeance, because of his pain. Cena actually got choked up here, almost crying because Orton tried to jack his father up and this pissed him off s badly that he wants his revenge. This was awesome stuff, the kind of shit that makes you care and this was definitely good for the PPV build.

Bookends to the show: Who’s the Bastard? – Vince and Coach kicked off Raw this week, as Vince wanted to know WHO in fact was his Bastard Child. He went onto explain that this dastardly women was embarrassing him and making him pay for one night, one transgression. The crowd started to chant for Kennedy, to which Vince said he was suspended for impersonating a McMahon. They had a copy of the WWE magazine with them, and Vince ordered Coach to tear it up. Of course Coach couldn’t, to which Vince said, “Just tear the cover!” These men are awesome together. The Great Khali came out, and the gist of this was that growing up in the jungles of PUNJAB Khali never knew his father, and since “Things were looking up” that could only mean The Great Khali was the Great McMahon! But then JBL came out, he had a less awesome excuse as he related his love of money to Vince’s, and said his portfolio was going up and that was looking up. Finally out of nowhere, Jeff Hardy came to the ring. He knew who his father was, but people were telling him when he did his crazy moves, that they were always looking up. GENERIC LAWYER MAN finally appeared to tell them that they, of course would have to wait until the end of the show to find out, but as a courtesy would say that Jeff Hardy was IN FACT not the Bastard son of Vince McMahon. Jeff yelled out, “PRAISE THE LORD,” to which Vince called him stupid, and of course, since he wasn’t his son, he booked him vs. Khali later on in the night. This was all good stuff.

So we shoot to the end of the show now. Vince is out and leads the roster of men to the ring. Generic Lawyer man continues the woman’s game of clues, such as:

-#1: He is not extreme. Vince kicks out all of the ECW guys.

-#6: Final clue, you son loves to play the game. JBL and Sandman leave.

We got down to HHH left in the ring. Vince said, “This isn’t possible, because..” and HHH cut him off, another Stephanie tease. Just as they were playing this up, Lawyer man said that “You son likes to play the game, whether it be hide and seek, horseshoes or marbles like on Smackdown last week. It was then concluded that HORNSWAGGLE was Vince’s child. He came in, did a dance, HHH mocked him and all was grand. While this was fun, I cannot believe that the company would end this huge angle with comedy. I think it will come out that HHH was playing a trick, or that it was an elaborate ruse by Vince and the Bastard Son (Kennedy) to mess with everyone, and when the suspension is over, the story will continue. But the next 4-weeks of Vince and Little Bastard playing son and father should be hilarious, you know I am right.

puRgatory:

HHH vs. Shelton – The story here was that Carlito would get to choose HHH’s opponent for the evening. Carlito had said that this would be someone that has defeated HHH before. I figured it would be Shelton, and it was. I have to give WWE credit here for remembering that Shelton used to matter and got two wins over HHH. My how times have changed. Anyway, HHH and Shelton had a match and it was a fun little match. HHH dominated most of the time and won clean. In the end I would normally be upset by HHH winning over Shelton so cleanly, especially since Shelton has beat him in the past. But Shelton has been booked like such a jabroni lately, it is fine. It isn’t like HHH squashed the IC Champion, nope that would happen later. Also, I do not give two shits about Carlito vs. HHH. Why? I have no reason to. Carlito hasn’t gotten the heat ONCE on HHH. And even with the stipulation for the PPV match, Carlito can use a fucking bulldozer and HHH will make his own comeback without the weapons and win. Wow, hooray.

Mickie vs. Jillian – We had some women’s action this week as Mickie’s Jeans and new hair battled Jillian. Also, Candice joined us on commentary since she was SCOUTING~! Mickie and Jillian had a decent bout, they messed up one spot where Mickie was supposed to win with a victory roll but lost balance. They improvised a new finish, which worked out well and Mickie wins, and I am happy. Beth Phoenix then charged the ring and disposed of both ladies, prompting Candice to charge into the ring. She got HUMBLED as Beth beat her down and got the Fisherwoman’s Buster and laid her out. This ended up being a decent build for the ladies mach on Sunday, even with the match being so short and having an issue or two. But Mickie’s Jeans were AWESOME.

Santino vs. Sandman – We had more SANTINO fun with the Sandman, who is now sadly departed to the land if Indy. Santino came out and was saddened that Pavarotti had died, and then he buried American culture. This brought out the Sandman for a match, of course as Sandman made his way to the ring Santino provided great commentary. They had, what could be considered a loose definition of a match, in which Sandman twisted his ankle, and the answer to save things after they fell apart was Santino bouncing to the floor and the Sandman hitting a plancha that about killed himself. Tremendous. Santino got the cane and brought it into the ring, drawing the DQ, the match was pretty bad. He was so pissed that he tried to break it over his own knee, and when he failed and hurt himself, we all laughed at silly Santino. We then saw Maria with Ron Simmons, they had been watching the bout and Maria was discussing the fact that she wanted to break up with Santino. Santino then appeared and beat down Ron! He concluded his beat down by saying, “DAMN-UH!” There was some good and some bad, overall fun stuff.

The Wrong:

Jeff Hardy vs. Khali – While the set up was there and fine, I was not a fan of them booking this match. Here is the problem, Khali is the crazy huge, strong world champion that is killing bitches left and right. So he will not lose, let alone take much offense from Hardy. Jeff hardy is the new IC Champion, who has already been destroyed by Khali in past occasions. So you knew it would happen again. Khali kills Jeff in three-minutes, and they fucked that up as well. Khali locks in the double claw, keeps it locked, moves his hands, keeps it locked, moves the position of his hands, Jeff lays there, keeps it locked, do you see a pattern here? And our referee was retarded and didn’t call the match, in which I believe that this was a total fuck up so Khali tossed Jeff down and one foot pinned him. And once again we see the total worth of the IC Title and the current IC Champion. This was bullshit. You make Jeff champion, defeating a monster in Umaga and you then do this to him. This was bullshit.

The Ridiculous:

Nadda~!

ECW 9.11.07:

The Right:

Miz vs. Dreamer – The first match of the show for the night was the Miz, along with the Extreme Expose vs. Tommy Dreamer. They had a short yet fine bout, which had enough back and forth to make it competitive and fun. Dreamer has been used well enough that a win over him does mean something, which was the goal here. Dreamer ran wild, got a close fall and the crowd was into it all, which is good. In the end Dreamer ran into the steel post, allowing Miz to get the Reality Check, and clean win over Dreamer. Dreamer did his job, Miz looked fine and the won does a good bit for him. Mission accomplished here I felt, this was good stuff. Also at the end Kelly did not look pleased, as she isn’t enjoying being with the Miz, because she loves BALLS…in her face.

puRgatory:

Opening Talking Bit – ECW kicked off this week with the Hardcore Dictator Armando Estrada in the ring to introduce the NEW ECW Champion CM Punk. Punk came to the ring to a solid pop, and he and Armando had a nice little conversation. Estrada said that it was an honor to have CM Punk as his ECW champion. This obviously moved Punk so much that he gave Armando a brand new CM Punk shirt. Armando said that he really shouldn’t have, which prompted Punk to ask him to put on the shirt. Armando didn’t quite feel like doing so, and Punk was insulted. Armando finally agreed and put the shirt on. This brought out Elijah Burke, who was then named the #1 Contender for the ECW title, which he would get a shot for at the Unforgiven PPV this Sunday. Burke brings up the fact that he knew Punk would be a champion, after all he was the one that scouted him for the New Breed. He also explained that he was more athletic and charismatic than Punk. Punk didn’t believe this and said that the eight ball he looked into is broken and that he needs to look into the present. We got a shoving match, Punk nailed an Enziguri and that was that. This was fine, if a bit lackluster. It came off forced to me, I understand they had to scramble for a match with the suspension of Morrison, but it came off with no heat or emotion to me. As I said, it was fine.

CM Punk and Stevie Richards vs. Elijah Burke and Kevin Thorn – The main event of the show was one of those mixed feud tags I tend to like, especially heading into a PPV. It’s just a shame that ECW never gets more than one match on a PPV, oh well, they’re just developmental with TV. The match they had was fine, the people like Punk and are getting into Stevie, Elijah and Thorn, not so much. They don’t even get, “We hate you heat.” Stevie worked really hard as Ricky Morton, got the hot tag, the people went wild as Punk ran wild, Elijah got away and Punk pinned Thorn with the GO2SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! It was fine, I just didn’t feel a real hard push for the ECW Title match, which I thought they should have worked harder on due to the circumstances. Unfortunately I see this PPV match being like most of Punk PPV matches. They’ll pop for him, and then once the match starts no one will give a shit until the last minute when he pulls out he “COOL MOVES.” And really, the way ECW gets treated, you can’t blame them.

The Wrong:

Building Big Daddy vs. Boogey – We got a really good pre-taped interview/video package for Big Daddy V, which showed his dominance. This was a really good package, which was for the purpose of building to the big match of V vs. Los Hombre Del Boogey next week. So then things made less sense as Striker and Big Daddy went to the ring, and Striker had a match. Striker had a match, this makes no sense. From the recap, here is the entire bout:

The bell rings and Nunzio ducks a clothesline and hits some forearms and a dropkick. Nunzio misses a splash in the corner and Striker rolls up Nunzio for the pin in twenty seven seconds.

Yes, that is all. Matt Striker, a man who has not been wrestling and has been a manager got a 27-second squash match, a match shorter than his BEAST has had. This made no sense. Sure Big Daddy got to go into the ring and beat down Nunzio, that’s all fine, but if they wanted to do a 27-second squash, why wouldn’t Big Daddy do it? As I said, this makes no sense.

Kelly Loves Balls, Miz hates Balls, Balls is a Loser… – We had more action in the Kelly loves Balls storyline this week. First of all the Expose was shown backstage, she had a teddy bear that Balls had bought for her, how sweet. Balls went out to the ring for his match, which was against none other than Mike Knox, the former controlling boyfriend of Kelly Kelly. Now, while Styles and Tazz mentioned the past relationship, they never explained WHY he was back. Does he want Kelly back? Did the Miz call him and tell him to take out Balls, and he would hook him back up with Kelly since he would still have Layla and Brooke? We don’t know, he just came back and we were never told why, he is just back. Ok. So he and Balls have a match, it goes 2-minutes, Miz distracts Balls and he LOSES AGAIN! Yes indeed, he is a total loser. Kelly was left alone n the back as the Expose had hightailed it with the bear, and that was that. I know that they are playing that she loves him regardless and that one day he may overcome the odds, but to me he just looks like a jobber, plain and simple.

The Ridiculous:

NADDA~!

The Matches:

IC TITLE MATCH: Johnny Nitro © defeated Jeff Hardy @ 17:51 via pin to retain the title ***¼

Kane vs. Umaga went to a double Count Out @ 7:03 * Trash of the Night, but not “horrible.”

WORLD TAG TITLE MATCH: The Spirit Squad © defeated The Highlanders @ 10:00 via pin to retain the titles **

HELL IN A CELL: DX defeated The Big Show, Vince and Shane McMahon @ 25:05 via pin **¾ It was more spectacle and sportz entertainment than anything.

WWE WOMEN’S TITLE MATCH: Trish Stratus defeated Lita to become the NEW WOMEN’S CHAMPION @ 11:35 via submission ***¼

Randy Orton defeated Carlito @ 8:45 via pin **¾

WWE TITLE, TLC MATCH: John Cena defeated Edge to become the NEW WWE CHAMPION @ 25:31 **** Match of the Night

The Right:

Since I bitch about this so much… I mentioned above how nice it was to have a card in place and that they really took the advantage to build to it well. But the real story tome is that not only did they build up to a PPV well, but they also actually had…GASP…title matches! That’s right kids, they had a tag, IC, Women’s and WWE title match all on the same show! And they all had a build to it, unlike how they usually just toss shit onto the show. To me this was a nice thing, and since I tend to complain about this sort of thing very often, I thought I would give the E some credit where credit is due. Good work.

The IC Title gets time! – Oh yes indeed, the IC Title got some time as the match kicked off the show. First off I have to say that Jeff Hardy seems to be fine since his return. He still makes some Jeff mistakes, but he hasn’t flaked out, he hasn’t no-shown events and hasn’t tried to steal the IC title and trade it for a new volcano. That’s pretty impressive for Jeff. As I opened with, they were given time and that is something the match needed. Hardy is over, Nitro is pretty over as a heel with Melina so they had the tools to keep the crowd. And let’s be honest, the IC title needs time and quality matches with people other than Shelton, Carlito and Nitro. I like those three guys, but they didn’t exactly light shit on fire during their feud. But things picked up now that Hardy is back. If you would have told mea month ago that Johnny Nitro and Jeff Hardy would be having a good 18-minute match on PPV I would have laughed my ass off. But if you take away one or two small parts, very small parts of the match, they worked very well together again on this night. Nitro is a bump machine and made Hardy’s offence look great. Not only that, he is finally showing signs of progressing as an in ring performer. Really good stuff here, and I thing that they could have better matches down the line, which will only help the IC title picture. And since Melina was the determining factor in Hardy losing, this feud…MUST CONTINUE~!

Trish Stratus: Goodbye, Farwell and Amen – While Orton and Carlito got the traditional “death spot” on the PPV, Trish and Lita were done no favors at Unforgiven. They got placed right after HIAC, a match that traditionally can kill a crowd when not the main event. When I say kill, I mean exhaust them. With the needed clean up time, WWE had a spectacular video package to run. Not only encompassing the feud but her entire wrestling career in WWE. The crowd started a “thank you Trish” chant even before she came out, and then the building popped huge as she made her way to the ring in a super sexy outfit, thank you indeed.

The match had a lot to live up to. People were hyped, they were emotional and wanted a good match. Lita has been very miss since coming back from the neck injury and hasn’t had a good performance since the last time her and Trish had a big match, of course she almost broke her back in the process, but I digress. Trish went out there wanting to put on a great show in her last match, and with Lita about to leave soon, I think she felt this was her last chance to have a great match with her foe. They not only worked hard, but they managed to pull off a great match. They did some shit that I didn’t think they would do, especially for a last match, but in doing so you had the feeling that they were going all out. Then in a nice change of pace, Trish looks to lock in a Boston Crab but instead goes with the Sharp Shooter, which just about made the building explode.

The aftermath was perfect. As Trish wins, the ref and Lita quietly disappear so that Trish can have her emotional moment. She cried and signaled to the crowd as she soaked in the moment. Lillian Garcia even was crying, showing the level of respect that Trish has among the WWE ladies. JR and Lawler joined in the standing ovation and JR added, “Congrats Trish…there was never any better.” She took one final bow as we ended a total class moment from WWE here. In a company and business when losing and getting buried on the way out are the norm we were witness to a very special moment. Or we were just a witness to someone getting out while the getting is good. Either way, good show.

Tough Luck Cena Haters – That is right, tough luck Cena haters. Really, some of you guys really hate the guy don’t you? I have had some issues with his ring work at times, which is funny because I think he is better than most, but for the most port he entertains me. But it is just the old habits, Cena with the belt = “EVIL”, Cena without the belt = “Hey, he’s pretty entertaining.” It is great to watch the opinions sway, but what the hell can you do. You can’t please everyone, so why even try. All I know is that Cena makes WWE a FUCKLOAD of money, which is why he is on top. But I digress; let’s talk about the match.

The match had a great aura at the beginning. Edge came out to huge face heat, as expected and it was just the thing you would imagine as far as “superstar reactions” go. Conversely, John Cena came out to HUGE heel heat, and got the “superstar reaction,” just on the other side of things. The stage was set and all they had to do was deliver. To me not only did they have a lot to live up to as far as TLC matches go, but with the exception of the one Edge had with Flair they have all been multi-man matches. There was almost never down time, tons of huge bumps and spectacular spots to remember for years. They were at a disadvantage having just the two of them and knowing that they were going to go 25-minutes, the chance of a lot of downtime and loss of momentum had to be a factor. That all being said they did a fantastic job in the match. Edge was working hard for a guy who said he would never do TLC matches ever again, including a Shelton-esque run up a ladder into a plancha. One spot I loved was where Cena had Edge trapped in the ladder, and then applied the STFU with Edge trapped. Edge tapped in a tremendous looking spot, and for a moment I thought Cena could actually lose and go to Smackdown, since he got the visual submission, even though in this match it didn’t count. The match continued with the super hot crowd, and they delivered some HUGE fall spots through tables. Both men took the plunge from the top of the ladder through tables on the floor. DANGEROUS. Lita would finally make an appearance, and she actually ended up helping Cena toss Edge off the ladder out of the ring. Cena got his revenge with an FU on her, and eventually a FU off the top of the ladder to Edge, falling through 2-tables; he then grabbed the belt and became WWE champion yet again.

The only thing I really did not like was the finish. They whole deal with the two refs in the ring to hold the ladder just really killed some of the drama for me. I understand why they did it, safety-first kids and I am all for that but it was so obvious what was going to happen, especially since previously the top table fell off, Cena went and put it back where it was. It screamed, “we’re using this shit soon.” It was a minor deal, but something that should have been pointed out. After the finish I loved as Cena had this look on his face, like he wasn’t proud of what he had to do; especially in front of his father, that’s a good face. I did like that he hugged his father, since he was a part of the angle at one point and overall it was a nice closure to the night as a whole.

puRgatoRy:

They are trying – I will say that they are trying to do something with the tag division. When the Highlanders came in, I was sure they would do the same stupid shit they did with Cade and Murdoch. Good build, a few quick wins and right to the tag titles. THANKFULLY I was wrong. I really mean that, these are the times I love to be wrong. The match here was a fun little match, nothing bad but nothing you’ll remember after the show is over to be honest with you.

But the problem is, is that for months the Squad had been buried by DX and are supposed to be taken seriously as champions. I just can’t, and I know that is a problem most have. They have been bitch boys and are now supposed to be taken seriously. It is a problem. Now you have the Highlanders losing to them, albeit by the numbers game, but they just can’t seem to get a break. The division is in dire need of help. What do we have? I only count real teams.