You’re An Idiot And Here’s Why 9.27.07: WWE Divas

This Week’s Idiot: WWE Divas

Divas. Gloriously hot women prancing around in sexy outfits in-between pro-wrestling matches. Sheer F’ing genius. Hot chicks and wrestling go together like hot-dogs and mustard. Tea and biscuits. Sex and shame. But somehow, someway the WWE have turned the Divas into another failing part of their TV shows alongside the lack-luster tag team division and their pathetic excuse for a Cruiserweight Division.

Time was the WWE Divas boasted talents such as Trish Stratus, Lita, Torrie Wilson and Stacy Keibler. And, um…well, Chyna. And let’s be clear, these Divas were not just smoking hot [CAUTION: DOES NOT APPLY TO CHYNA], but were extremely talented performers. Lita was a freakin’ revelation when she arrived with Essa Rios, leaping off the top rope and hitting fling head-scissors all over the place. She added an exciting dynamic to the Hardy Boyz and had some great matches. Well. Some good matches. Plus, she sold a TON of Team Xtreme merchandize and looked hot in a thong.

Trish…*sigh* Trish. Gosh I miss Trish. I find it hard to be objective about Trish because I’m so gosh-darn in love with her. Even the mere thought of her and I can’t bring myself to swear. Look…Feck. Shat. Cont. Trish’s dazzling and befuddling beauty is not in question, but I think we all know that it took Trish a whole to grow into her role, both on the microphone and in the ring. But when she did, Trish was hands down the greatest female performer in the history of WWE, WCE or ECW. She could have great matches with the right opponents (Lita, Mickie, Victoria) and was an exciting and energizing performer that the fans, of both genders, loved to get behind. She had a clear knack for comedy and could convincingly switch between either face or heel roles.

Torrie and Stacy, whilst not strong in-ring wrestlers, were dynamic and charismatic characters and performers. Whether paired with Tajiri, Hurricane or Test, these ladies always raised the level of interest in their men. I mean……Test for fuck’s sake. Test!

And…y’know…there was Chyna.

But the loss of Trish, Stacy and Lita in quick succession is not the biggest problem with the WWE Divas. The biggest problem is their abysmal hiring policy. To sum it up in a word; The-Godamn-Mother-Fucking-Diva-Search. Like all reality TV, without exception, the Divas Search is pointless moronic and takes up valuable screen time from other, more worthy concepts. A seemingly endless stream of identical, forgetful and largely talentless women. I couldn’t pick Layla out of a fucking line-up filled with hobos and failed 80’s pop-stars. Seriously. I mean, I know that she’s on ECW and that she’s not the blonde one. But that’s about it. (Dear Extreme Expose, please invest $13 in Carmen Electra’s Dance Workout DVD and LEARN TO FUCKING DANCE!)

Who else has won the Diva Search? Ummmm…oh, oh, I know! Christy Hemme! Christy was energetic, charismatic and willing to train and work hard to improve her in-ring skills. Doubtless of anything else, Christy displayed a clear passion for the wrestling business. And where is she now? Well the WWE got rid of her of course! Smart move WWE, the last thing you need is a promising Stacy-Keibler-type performer on your books. That might show up the other wastes of fucking space you’ve hired. Also, kudos for flushing $250, 000 down the fucking toilet (otherwise known as TNA).

Every year the models show up on Raw and every year it’s clear that they don’t give a flying fuck about pro-wrestling. These women look the same, act the same and show not even the slightest hint of originality. The last Diva Search contestant to offer anything different to the audience was Ashley, who’s sub-Avril-Lavigne style allowed her to stand out from a crowd of blonde locks, fake smiles and vacant looks.

Look, I realize I’m coming off as kinda gay here. But my problem is this; Shit or get off the pot. The crap that the WWE film these girls doing is so pathetically tame I doubt any man living could knock-one out over it. Nothing they do on the Diva Search even approaches titillation. If I want a soft-core bullshit version of porn with some blonde models, I can turn on any number of music videos and see a hell of a lot sexier stuff. I tune into Raw and Smackdown for the fucking wrestling. And yes, I like hot girls to go along with my wrestling. I want the hot chicks to valet guys to the ring. I want hot chicks who know how to work a microphone, who display some performing ability and charisma. I want hot chicks to cat-fight and every now and then I want hot-chicks to put on a damn good wrestling match. But the pathetically tame crap the WWE trots out with the Diva Search wouldn’t even make it onto a D-List ‘Girls Gone Wild’ DVD. And I can barely masturbate to those.

The only good thing to come out of the Diva Search that the WWE has held onto? Maria Kanellis. And to be honest, it might have all been worth it just for her. Maria is incredible. She is the cutest and sexiest thing in the history of all creation, she has a real talent for comedic performances and has a great role on Raw where the writers know exactly how to use her. And she’s the freakin’ Val Venis of women’s wrestling. Is she the best wrestler ever? No, but she’s incredibly hard-working and charismatic in the ring. Maria goes all out in her wrestling performances, selling moves like there’s no tomorrow and really sucking you into the match with her acting.

My biggest problem, is that the WWE have some incredibly talented Divas right now…but they’re all being mishandled and badly used (with the exception of Maria). Torrie Wilson hasn’t had anything to do in months. Have you people heard the crowd reaction for her? The fans still love Torrie and still pop like mad for her. Her little stint in Vince’s Devils (gag) was good but she needs to be back on top.

Victoria is one of, if not the, best women’s wrestler on the roster and she’s been putting on stellar matches since 2002 without missing a beat. And the great thing about Victoria is, you keep forgetting how hot she is…and then BOOM! She’s looks freakin’ incredible on Raw and it’s like seeing an ex-girlfriend again. Why Victoria is arguing about being invited to a wedding and not being a permanent fixture in the title scene is beyond my comprehension.

Mickie James had the best introduction and storyline in the last five years of Diva history. You’ve just got to respect the way Mickie segued from her crazy-stalker-heel role with Trish into the super-happy-ultra-face she’s become recently. Her matches with Trish were great and it’s a shame we never got to see a Mickie/Lita feud before Lita retired. Right now the Women’s Championship should be built around Mickie and Victoria.

Melina is such a great character who draws some great heat with her act and her screaming ringside yelps. She should have become a bigger star after the Mick Foley angle from a while back and it’s a shame there was no follow-through commitment on the WWE’s part to that engaging storyline. Melina works well in wrestling matches, but I long to see her pushing another bland heel to the forefront with her breas…talents.

If I was a WWE Diva (and, god willing, one day I will be) I’d consider the Diva Search to be an annual slap in the fucking face.

“Yeah, thanks for all your hard work, graft and sacrifice this year trying to win the crowd over and establish your spot on the roster…now please excuse us while we give away your screen time to these talentless models who are only here because American Idol turned them down, and give one of them $250, 000 which we’ll make up for later on in the year by firing roughly half of you. Oh and also, one of you is gonna have to strip naked for Playboy because yet again, we’re shit out of ideas for Wrestlemania”

WWE have all the talent they need to yet again make the Divas an integral and entertaining part of their programming. They just need to shit-can the fucking model competition and invest some of that time, attention and exposure to the women who deserve it.