Cut To The Crap 9.28.07: Crawl of Shame, Drug Addict Hawk and The New Age Idiots

Welcome to the Fourth edition of Cut To The Crap, the weekly look at pro wrestling most horrible moments, matches, gimmicks, angles, interviews and just about everything else.

First of all, I have read my feedback and I again have appreciated all of it. To those who sent positive comments, I thank you very much as I appreciate that you enjoyed my column, and to those who sent negative comments, I’m sorry that you didn’t like it and I will continue to try and improve this every week (and fail). One thing I must address though: please send comments on my column to the e-mail at the bottom of the column ([email protected]), as my 411 set e-mail address ([email protected]) is for my DVD reviews only.

So let’s not waste any more time and instead let’s Cut To The Crap-

Crappy Moment Number One: The Crawl Of Shame
Now I’m sure we all remember Val Venis. What do you mean he’s still on the WWE roster? Oh yeah, of course he is, how silly of me. Anyway, back when he was a regular on Raw, he started a feud with Japanese stereotypical group Kaientai, who consisted of Funaki, Taka Michinoku, Dick Togo, Mens Teioh and their manager Yamaguchi-san. OK, I lie, Michinoku wasn’t part of the group until after this little incident, but the rest were all there.

OK, so Yamaguchi-san also had an on-screen wife, and well, his wife proved that she was a little unfaithful on one fateful Raw. Yamaguchi-san was in the ring with his stable mates, when Val Venis came out, and announced that he would like him to see his latest porn video. What would this video have to do with Yamaguchi-san I wonder?

So then we start to see the video, which Val entitles “Land of the Rising Venis”. I don’t think I need to comment on that. And Val’s woman is blurred out. I wonder who it could be. The woman is revealed, and surprise surprise it’s Mrs Yamaguchi-san.

What would be the ideal punishment for Yamaguchi-san to give his wife. I don’t know, divorce her or something. No, he had something much bigger planned. Next week on Raw he takes his wife down to the ring. After he says some stuff about doing things his way, he tells her to get into the ring (well she helps everyone into the ring first).

Next, she has to kneel down, and apparently, according to Jerry Lawler (ironic that he would know something about this situation), crawl between Yamaguchi-san’s legs. To make things worse , she also has to be paddled while doing it. But before we can see the act take place Val Venis makes the save and paddles everyone.

In the end this didn’t lead to much for Mrs Yamaguchi-san, as she was gone within a few weeks. And something else of Val Venis was almost gone a few weeks later, but that’s talk for another time.

Unfortunately I do not have a video of this since there’s none on Youtube, but if someone wants to add a video of this I will include it in a future column. But for now how about watching the infamous moment from a few weeks later where Kaientai threatened to “choppy choppy your pee-pee”

So that’s crappy moment number one. Now it’s time for Crappy Moment Number Two.

Crappy Moment Number Two: Road Warrior Hawk: Drug Addict
We all know the LOD, the Legion of Doom, The Road Warriors or whatever name you want to give the,. They were one of the greatest, if not the greatest tag team of all time in their prime. They put on classic matches with many of the big teams of the time, and could fire up the crowd like no other tag team could.

However, Vince Russo felt that the team had become stale around 1998, and thought they needed a change. First of all, a third member, Droz, was added, who caused dissention between the two. Secondly, he had the idea of Hawk being a drug addict. What made him think this was a good idea I don’t know but he still did it.

So Hawk began to show signs that he simply wasn’t himself, like tripping on his way into the ring, looking dis-interested in tagging to Animal, and falling off the top rope when trying to do the Doomsday Device.

And indeed Hawk decided that he needs to address the fans on the issue, as himself, Michael Hegstrand, not as Hawk. Yes, revealing the sport is fake is a nice way to start. He then asks for forgiveness from the fans for his actions last week.

All seems normal at this time. But as the LOD came out for their match, the fireworks cause Hawk to trip and fall off the ramp. Yes, falling off the ramp is a clear sign that your a drug addict.

We move forward and Animal this time teams with Droz to take on Edge and Gangrel. But Hawk, out in street clothes is seen walking around the ramp, seemingly with no power over his own body. He then climbs right up to the top of the titantron. As Animal and Droz try to get him to stop, he gets all the way to the top (The OLD got counted out BTW, not that you care).

As Animal tries to reason with him, Hawk reveals that he doesn’t ant to live with this and plans to jump and kill himself. Not only is he a drug addict, he’s also suicidal. There’s probably irony in somewhere but I really don’t want to touch on that in case I am burnt at the stake by the wrestling community.

Next, Paul Ellering (who didn’t manage the LOD anymore) came out to reason with him, and reveals that the kids still call him ‘Uncle’. Imagine that, the kids calling you Uncle Hawk. Droz decides to come down and help him out. Well, I say help out, but by helping out that means push him off.

Hawk is driven off in an ambulance after his fall, with everyone sounding sombre about his fall (or was it Droz’s push). I tell you, if they did this now, people would be up in arms about it, just like they were for exploiting Eddie Guerrero’s death, Vince McMahon’s fake death, and so much else, but back then it was just another day at the office.

The next week we get a recap, followed by an interview with the LOD as Droz announces that dwindling on the past is not something the now LOD should do, so they say their going to dominate instead. The promo was one of the worst LOD promo’s you could do, since it sounded like it was a mocking promo rather than an LOD style promo.

Hawk didn’t like it, and comes to the arena to address the fans. And now he addresses Droz, saying that he’s clean now and he’s out for revenge. Droz comes out to seemingly reason with him, but Hawk says that he will disciplining Droz when he heals up. Droz of course attacks from behind, and Animal makes the save, thus ending this whole ridiculous angle that had bombed big time.

We all know what happened after this. The LOD left since they were uncomfortable with this, worked the independents a little before they have a final match, then Hawk died a few months later. Animal formed the new LOD with Heidenreich in 2005 but that dissolved a few months later. Droz on the other hand wrestled for the WWF for a while before D’Lo Brown broke his neck and ended his career.

Again, this is another one that I couldn’t find anywhere on Youtube. I feel this isn’t going to be my day. However, I did find a clip from the awful Brawl For All tournament where Droz faced Hawk-

And now we move on to our final crappy item of the week.

Crappy Moment Number Three: The Headbangers are The New Age Outlaws
Ok, before you all send complaints again, I did like the WWF in the late nineties: it’s just among the great moments with Steve Austin, The Rock, The Undertaker and so many others there were some crappy one’s (and I’ll get to a crap Austin/Undertaker one next week). Ok, a LOT of crappy one’s. And this was another one.

What exactly happened here is that the New Age Outlaws and Headbangers started a feud, So in order to get into the heads of their opponents, they decide to dress up like them and thus make fun of them.

The problems are obvious from the start. They came out to their OWN music, not the New Age Outlaws music. If your going to imitate someone, at least have the sense to use their theme music when doing so.

Next, Mosh, who is playing Road Dogg, gets the mic and does Road Dogg’s intro, only in A HIGH PITCHED VOICE. My god, how funny is that. I was nearly dying of laughter after that. He starts coughing after trying to do the end bit.

Thrasher is apparently called Rockabilly (oh god, another one I have to do later on) instead of Billy Gunn. What made them think bringing up old gimmicks was going to be funny.

He takes the mic and says what may very well be the single most gay sentence in pro wrestling history: “If you don’t realise that the only reason I have a nice ass is because I had implants, then give me a you suck.”. Yes, Thrasher just said that Billy Gunn has a nice ass. What a way to make fun of them guys.

What happened next. The Headbangers didn’t win the feud obviously (well, if you could call it much of a feud), and never had any real success in the business other than a short tag title reign. The New Age Outlaws were much more successful and have had numerous tag team title reigns. I guess doing parodies doesn’t get you anywhere in the pro wrestling business.

Yes, fo the third time, no video for this one. There’s a reason why nobody uploads these and that’s because they know the ratings for them would be low since they are so awful.

And now that the crap has been scooped up we can look at some ROH-related thoughts to round off the column.

My Thoughts
Jigsaw was revealed as the new member of the Vulture Squad in ROH this week, and once again a lot of the spoiled ROH fans expecting someone like Eddie Kingston or Human Tornado have had an outcry at him being revealed as the new member. Yes, Jigsaw is not very gangsta compared with Evans, Smokes and Ruckus, but this group is supposed to be about talented high flyers, and in that aspect, Jigsaw is a great fit. Jigsaw is one of my favourites not being used full time in ROH, and if being a member of this group makes him full time then I am a very happy man. The gang wars are heating up.

I have had a chance to see the Driven PPV this week, and it was extremely impressive. Danielson/McGuinness is a top drawer match that will give all the MOTY candidates this year a run for their money. That headbutt sequence was just brutal. Elsewhere, the card was very solid overall, and I particularly enjoyed the six man opener, Claudio/Sydal and Briscoes/Steenerico. This could easily be the PPV of the year. Believe the hype.

And while I’m at it, I just want to say that I’m officially a fan of Sweet and Sour Inc. Chris Hero is fantastic in his role, and despite not winning all that many matches, he is at the point where he doesn’t need to win them to gain that little bit more. It’s a matter of when, not if, as to when Chris Hero becomes a main eventer. The bullying of Bobby Dempsey is also fun in it’s own way. Watching the RTTT Tournament, Larry Sweeney said something along the lines of Dempsey having to guard the backstage buffet, and I instantly thought there’s going to be a backstage skit where he’s eaten all of it ( haven’t watched that far ahead to see if my prediction is correct).

Oh, and speaking of the RTTT Tournament, I really enjoyed both nights. I’m disappointed that Gran Akuma barely got a chance to impress in the four way, but besides that I liked pretty much everything. Generico/Castagnoli is really good, but nowhere near a MOTY candidate. Nothing else in the tournament was all that standout, but both shows were very solid and I enjoyed them.

Anyway, thanks for reading this week’s column, and I hope you enjoyed it. Next week I will be looking at three more crappy moments in wrestling history, including the embalming angle, the last temptation of Vader and Al Snow wrestles a hardcore match against himself. Until next week, thanks for reading.