Evolution Schematic 10.13.07: WWE Casket Matches (Part 1)

Yes indeed, it’s time for another (alas shortened) spin of the ES wheel. But first! Check out this review of my fed’s work! It’s a bit more positive than the last one, and thus I should be able to get Dunn more. So huzzah! Also, Sonic is now in Super Smash Bros. Hmm. Well, ok, sure, it’s a good thing on one level, but this is just a wasted chance. There is a huge, huge gold mine labeled “Nintendo V Sega”, and Nintendo don’t seem to be digging away at it right. Sure, the Olympics was a good start, but you take it slow, a Mario/Sonic crossover (may I suggest Bowser and Eggman join forces, giving each other Power Stars and Chaos Emeralds and thus causing chaotic things in their universes, so Mario has to save the day in the history museum (and thus go into historical levels) while in Sonic’s universe he goes to the Future-tropolous (thus lots of future and/or spacey levels, then they switch halfway, then a Kart crossover, then the Nintendo/Sega War. But still, all is not lost.

Anyway, onto the reason for this whole thing, the ES for this week. I was going to do the Survivor Series, but I realised that’s a smidge too far away. So, instead, with apologies about the length but by now you’re used to me saying that…

Overview

Death.

Not a pleasant subject to think about. Not a pleasant subject to talk about. Not a pleasant subject to work with.

Whenever someone steps between those ropes, and enters the ring, in the back of their mind, or if it’s fixing to be brutal, in the front of their mind, they are thinking about how they might never walk out again. Sure, for the most part they are trained, and it’s unlikely, but you can die from a DDT. You can die from a powerbomb. Hell, one badly aimed kick or punch and *click*, you’re gone.

In any physical sport, death is always watching, always waiting. But some people don’t let it sit back, they confront it, they pull it into the light, blinking, front and center, and either laugh at it or embrace it.

The Cell transports you to Hell. I Quit matches burn away your dignity and self-respect. Losing your mask can end your career. But nothing is quite as harrowing as a Casket Match. Sure, it seems ok enough, but until you fall into that casket, until you see, through sweat and tears, the last sliver of light vanish and you feel the cold, dark hand of death reaching out to you…

You don’t know what fear is.

Premise- Take Casket. Take Victim. Add. Shake. Victim leaves stirred.

The Premise of the Casket Match (AKA Coffin Match) is fairly simple. You have 2 wrestlers (or in rare cases one guy and a team) who dislike each other. Let them beat each other up, No DQ, No Count Out. Eventually, one will get the upper hand. S/He will then ask for the Casket to be opened, which a ref shall do. They then place their opponent into the Casket and shut it, the match only ending when the loser is in a closed casket, the winner outside. If both sides are in at the same time, the match does not end.

For the purposes of this Schematic, we are not reviewing the entire history of the match, dating back to the 1970’s, for the simple fact that complete records are non-existent. We are instead focusing on the WWF/WWE Casket Matches, which for the most part revolve around one man. Can you guess who?

Origins- A match concept like this, and a dead guy. Hmm.

The Casket Match, it has been claimed, was first fought in the Houston Territory, Dusty Rhodes using it to defeat Ivan Koloff once and for all at some point in the 1970’s. Regardless, the basic match style (Stuff X into Y) was around for many years.

Then, The Undertaker was born. A man obsessed with Mind Games and his troubled background, the Casket Match fit him perfectly, a less intense version of Buried Alive, and certainly easier to break out. But for the first time, he used it to just get rid of a very, very annoying distraction…

Debut- What else do you bring in to get rid of a savage giant?

In late 1992, The Undertaker had a problem. Kamala, being led by Harvey Wippleman and his ever present handler Kim Chee, was constantly, constantly trying to knock Taker off his perch, trying to take him down a notch. The two had battled many times in the past, and Taker wanted to end the fight once and for all. So, he brought out a Coffin, and challenged the brute to a Coffin match. This was wise, as Kamala was afraid of Taker, but even more so afraid of the coffin. And this fear held him back, and thus Taker shrugged off three Kamala splashes, sat up, bonked him in the head with the urn, and shoved him in the coffin to win the match. He then nailed it shut to drive home the message, which led to Kamala turning his back on Harvey, but that’s for another time.

Phase 2- That match.

A bit over a year later, Taker had another big fat guy on his case, this time one he was chasing, rather than the other way round. Yokozuna was then WWF Champion, and hated because of it. And also hated because he was a big fat guy. Taker was beloved, and wanted the belt. And after the two crossed paths at Survivor Series a couple months before hand, this match was signed, a Casket Match, to determine a winner.

But really, all it determined was that Jim Cornette and Mr. Fuji were both very smart men.

For about a dozen guys (namely Crush, The Great Fricking Kabuki, Tenryu, Bam Bam Bigelow, Adam Bomb, Jeff Jarrett, The Headshrinkers and Diesel bringing up the rear) ran into the match and helped beat down The Undertaker, who’s vaulted ability to withstand pain was challenged and overcome, timing very well with the capture of the Urn. Regardless of if you believe his power was linked to the Urn, the fact remained that Taker lost the match, and was locked in the casket. Until he ‘escaped’ by ‘magic powers’.

The above is very much a cleaned up, sane version of events. If you have a strong stomach and/or no will to live, by all means view it for yourself. Regardless, The Undertaker took some time off, returning at Summerslam, and then-

Phase 3- Taker V Yoko II: This Time, It’s Inevitable!

At Survivor Series, Taker wanted another shot at besting the fat ‘Japanese’ wrestler in a Casket Match. And the WWF was happy to grant it, although the really did not want a repeat of the crap they saw earlier. So they went out and found a suitable special enforcer to keep the peace and keep people out. But not just any special enforcer. No no no.

They went out and got Chuck Norris!

Before the memes, before the lists, before the guest host spots on Fox News, they got the REAL Chuck Norris in. And he did his job, keeping out Bam Bam Bigelow, King Kong Bundy and Jeff Jarrett (Jeff getting a roundhouse for his troubles). That is, he did his job until he was distracted and IRS managed to get into the ring and get Taker into a sleeper and hitting him with his case. But it wasn’t to be 2 for Yoko, as Taker would not be denied, and he won the match that night, slamming the casket shut on Yoko.

Phase 4- The Unknown Casket Match.

Throughout 1995, Taker had problems with Ted DiBiase’s Corporation, all starting with IRS’ interference in the last casket match, and then their constant stealing of the Urn. After Wrestlemania however, the feud settled into Taker V Kama, as Kama had the Urn, in convenient necklace form. But a month before their ‘famous’ casket match, they had another one, after the end of the second In Your House as a special match for the live audience. Taker would win that match, and it must have drove Kama mad.

Phase 5- The Known Casket Match

Not that it did him much good, as at Summerslam they had their ‘real’ Casket match, and Kama still lost, and what’s worse, this time Taker regained the Urn/Necklace, so Kama was overall 0 from 3!

And of course, there was the intense psychological damage of facing one’s own mortality twice within a month. You would have thought it would be a warning, and yet another black man stood up, ignoring all those who had fallen before him, and tried to do single-handedly what had taken a dozen men to do once.

Phase 6- King Mabel gets beheaded. Not literally of course.

For King Mabel looked to re-establish his dominance, and thus get chicks, by beating Taker in his own game. It didn’t work, of course, as Taker quickly dispatched of the big purple wearing King, and his knight, stuffing them both in the obviously quite large casket, and slamming the lid shut, sending Mabel packing from the WWF for several years and Sir Mo forever, or at least up until today.

Phase 7- The Goldust Casket Matches (1 of 2)

And then the Casket Match met Goldust. Goldust, a.k.a Dustin Rhodes, is a very complex man, and worthy of an ES himself. But at that point in time, as he held the WWF IC Belt, he was clearly insane, as caught up in his own mind games as Taker would one day become, and thus a man who wouldn’t just laugh at death, but film it then hock a special DVD of it.

So on May 24th, 1996, The Undertaker was scheduled to fight Goldust for the IC belt (a step down, perhaps, but then he wasn’t going to object and besides, Goldust was an ally of Mankind, Taker’s real enemy so he wanted to hurt Mankind on every front). Unfortunately, this was the Beware Of The Dog In Your House PPV.

This is unfortunate as the power went out due to thunderstorms halfway through the show. It came back eventually, but long after Taker’s match was on, and thus only the live audience got to see it. Of course, this might explain why Goldust chose to cheat so obviously, why he decided to steal…to homage Yokozuna’s tactics. He wanted, needed, to keep his IC belt, and thus, if no-one was there to judge except the live fans who don’t count, why not cheat? And cheat he did, bringing in Steve Austin, Justin Bradshaw, Vader and Isaac Yankem (like he needed an excuse to beat up The Undertaker) and together, the 5 of them managed to subdue to the Dead Man and get him in the casket. Thus, Goldust’s belt was safe for a couple more days, at least until the make up PPV on the following Tuesday.

(Although that said… Goldust, Steve Austin, JBL, Vader and Kane. There’s a Survivor Series team for ya…)

Phase 7b- The Goldust Casket Matches (2 of 2)

A couple days later, in what should have been the replay slot, the WWF took another stab at the PPV, hoping against hope for more favorable weather. They got it, and the rest of the matches went off swimmingly.

Although not for Taker, as Goldust’s first plan went into action. After all, he obviously didn’t want to waste such a brilliant scheme as he had on a dark match in front of nobodies. Instead he held back, and on the second show, he used it. For after Goldust was Tombstoned, Taker began to roll him towards the casket and thus win the IC belt, when Mankind popped out of the casket and locked in the Mandible Claw on Taker, dragging him down into the casket and thus, according to the rules of the match, giving Goldust the win, since it didn’t matter who was in there with you, only that if one was in and one was out, the out guy won.

After these two back to back shock losses, The Undertaker retired the match for a year, never getting rid of it, but keeping it in the back of his mind until someone truly deserved it.

And boy, did the next victim get what they deserved…

And now, another sliver of a fractured view of life, as from the pen of Dave Lovelace…