wrestling / Columns
The Thursday Small-For-All News Report 10.25.07
Well doesn’t that just grab your attention! It doesn’t? I guess it’s back to the drawing board for me.
Wait for it…
Wait for it…
Keep waiting….
Yes, yes….
WHAMMY!!!!!!!
Welcome back to the Small-For-All News Report! Today is the last Thursday of the month and thank God for that. As you could probably tell (and if not, shame on you), October has been quite a rough month for myself. Not only did I miss last week’s report but I must have hallucinated somewhere in between as I read that Slimmer and I did a segment together! ( Checks last Small-For-All ) Oh shit, I ain’t dreaming.
Actually, it’s good that Slimmer and I are back together as in two weeks, we both hit our two year anniversary writing Heat reports. And boy do I have a surprise for him!
Before I get started on today’s edition, I have two housekeeping notes to make. First off, much love goes out to Steve Cook. Not only did he fill-in for me, he gave me props! Now normally the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. However, that doesn’t work for me. Rather, it’s all about inflating the ego. And Cook did a great job there.
Secondly, I’m pretty fucking sick at this moment. Somewhere around the TNA News, I will be overdosing myself with NyQuil. Hopefully, my writing will improve at that point!
In today’s edition, you will learn about another injured WWE superstar, why a certain Diva with a fine ass was fired, how wet my pants were after reading a certain piece of TNA news, and most importantly, how much of a pimp Bret Hart was.
NEWZ FROM TITAN TOWERS
Save the Zombie, Save the World
I love how every headline about Sci-Fi renewing ECW mentions the words “ECW is Saved.” Personally, the show has a lot of work it needs to do in order to be saved. Being on television is not even the most important priority (I for one am a firm believer in the online show). ECW’s largest problem is that they don’t have a roster.
Case in point: we have CM Punk, John Morrison, Big Daddy V in the main event tier; Tommy Dreamer, Elijah Burke, Balls Mahoney, and the Miz in the mid card; and then everyone else is fighting for scraps. And by everyone else, I mean Stevie Richards, Kevin Thorn, and Nunzio. The most disturbing fact about ECW is that I cannot name more than 10 people on the show.
The ECW/Smackdown roster talent initiative is a good first step. Sure, I have little interest in watching the Daytons regardless of what show they are on, but it’s good in theory to get them television time. Most recently, Kane has been making appearances on the show which is a great idea. Not only does his character fits in well with the Sci-Fi theme, but he also brings credibility to the brand (which has been missing since Chris Benoit improperly used his lat pull down machine).
Well what else would I do to “save” ECW? Simple, the WWE should debut new talent on the ECW online show. Using it as just a “repeat” is a rather stupid idea now that the show is renewed. Sure, in the age of Tivo and streaming episodes, network shows prosper from these other forms of consumption, but it’s not going to work for wrestling. Why? Because we have already been brainwashed into believing that there is no such thing as repeats in the world of sports entertainment!
With myself watching enough online WWE programming, it would not be difficult to film two dark matches before Smackdown (which already happens) for the ECW online show. Throw in a recap of ECW from the past week and voila, you have a 28 minute online-worthy show. Hey, if you still believe that Heat runs for an hour online, well I have a lake shore property to sell you!
In other news, the WWE has taken the principle of voting even further as it’s up to the fans to name the new ECW show. Choices are:
Vote or Die, kids!
Lose a Diva, Gain another Next Week
From Figure 4 Weekly, “WWE axed Krystal. According to one source, she’d been caught lying a few times to the writers. She would tell people that Teddy or Vickie weren’t happy with certain angles, and then Teddy and Vickie would get upset when word got back to them about what she’d said. She was also notorious for ignoring feedback from agents about her segments and matches on house shows. They’d ask her to sell beatings, and instead she’d always jump up and slap hands with people all the way to the back.
Originally, there was an idea of moving her from Smackdown to Raw, since she’s been dating Bobby Lashley. As the heat escalated, though, Vince finally snapped and asked why the hell they were investing in her. The plan dating back to August was that after the Viagra angle, Vickie would gain power (as has happened) and then about a week later just fire Krystal. At the time, the idea was it would no longer be a fake firing that would send her to Raw, but a legit firing. Eventually, they just dropped that aspect of it and she was never heard from again.”
Oh man, a worked shoot firing would have been damn funny. Considering they rarely happen (the last one I can recall was with Ron Simmons in 2004), it’s always a neat way to work the dirtsheets.
If everything that is posted is correct, good for the WWE to fire her. Krystal had a damn easy job (well, she did have to kiss Teddy Long) that plenty of Divas would have not given up for the world. She didn’t have to wrestle, she got plenty of television time and a never-ending storyline. So if she was unhappy with the way things were going, fuck her. It’s just a shame that the company wasted so much of our time with the Long/Krystal storyline to see nothing come out of it.
I will miss her ass though.
Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Daa, Zip-A-Dee-OWWWWW
From the Wrestling Observer, “Matt Hardy suffered a 7 inch gash that required 35 stitches last night in Kansas City at the TV tapings. He was giving Rey Mysterio a splash mountain and Mysterio’s knee brace caught him in the head. He was bleeding buckets and they had to stop the show to change the mat because of all the blood. At this point, his status for Cyber Sunday is uncertain.”
When will Matt Hardy and MVP ever have a one-on-one matchup? Considering they have been feuding since the Great American Bash in July, it’s astonishing to see a feud have legs this long (it’s a testament to both wrestlers). But still, if Hardy has to sit this match out, I doubt the planned Survivor Series/Armaggedon blowoff will have to be pushed back. Hell, with the way a couple of the next PPVs are gimmicked (Survivor Series match, Royal Rumble match), I wouldn’t put it past the WWE to extend the feud until Wrestlemania 24. Ok, ok, I know that’s stretching it, but you get my point.
With that said, I still believe that Matt Hardy will compete at Cyber Sunday. Luckily for him, only one of the choices is a standard wrestling match so there is a 67% chance that he won’t have to wrestle. As much as I believe the wrestling match will win this vote, I would love to see Hardy and MVP compete in a MMA match just to see how the WWE views MMA.
Dead Man Walking
From Figure 4 Wrestling, “There was an incident involving Undertaker and Chris Masters during a Taker & Kane vs. Finlay & Masters match last week at a house show in Scotland.
It all started when Taker started working over Masters’ arm early in the match. Masters tagged out and just stood there on the apron without selling the pain. On the other side of the ring, Taker was gesturing to Masters as if to say, “Sell your arm.” Masters still wasn’t doing anything, and then Taker actually yelled it across the ring. Masters sold a bit and then apparently forgot again.
Masters was tagged back into the match, and apparently Undertaker roughed him up, blooding and perhaps breaking his nose. Masters then started having trouble breathing and got completely blown up. He finally rolled out of the ring and sold like he’d hurt his arm legit. As it turns out, Masters actually dislocated his elbow at some point.
Some guys came out and took Masters to the back. Finlay finished the rest of the match alone. That was the last time Masters wrestled on the tour.”
Now this is the part of the show where we read an article like this and immediately decry the veteran for beating up the jobber. But that’s not the case here. Masters has been a WWE superstar for over 3 years now and really should know how to sell his injury. That said, I don’t know why the Undertaker was so pissed off about it considering that Masters was on the ring apron. It’s not like he was clapping for the fans to get back into the match. Regardless, it’s just another time when Masters has become the public whipping boy of a veteran (the Triple H incident is still the tops) and no one should be surprised if Masters hangs up his boots anytime soon.
So Wait, Wrestlemania 22 was Real!
According to the Torch, “Vince McMahon has a history of singling people out backstage and embarrassing them in front of other wrestlers. Last Monday when Shawn Michaels was the target of Vince’s behavior, it blew up in Vince’s face and left even Stephanie McMahon speechless.
Despite the fact that Shawn Michaels returned to WWE a month ahead of schedule, he still has heat with Vince. Shawn made it clear before he returned that he wants more control over his schedule. He won’t be doing any overseas tours and will work a somewhat reduced schedule so he can spend more time with his family.
When Shawn showed up to RAW last Monday for the first time since his injury, Vince started “chewing him out” in front of the lockerroom. He made fun of Shawn’s attitude and his clothing, among other things. To the surprise of everybody, HBK fired back at Vince and put him in his place. Shawn made it very clear to Vince in front of everybody that he won’t be disrespected by anybody or treated like a rookie.”
DAMN! Seriously, good for HBK. The young guys in the locker room would have been fired for talking back to Vince so it’s nice to see someone, who could leave whenever he wants to, stick up to the McMahons. Obviously, there will be zero ramifications from this as the company has a 3-disc HBK DVD coming out soon (which looks awesome) in addition to the mere fact that Shawn came back early to save the Cyber Sunday PPV (who else would have brought credibility to the “You Pick” match).
GAME TIME!!!
Below are six quotes from Batista’s and Bret Hart’s autobiographies. The first person who can correctly identify each of the quotes will win a prize! Please send all submissions to [email protected] or click the link at the bottom of the report.
Quote #1: “Before I knew it I was lying naked on an inflated mattress, drinking cold beer, watching as a cute, naked Japenese girl lathered herself in soap and slid all over me, washing me with her p***y”
Quote #2: “I don’t pretend to be a deep thinker. I don’t talk that much. When I do, I say what I honestly feel, and I say it plainly, in just a few words.”
Quote #3: “Hey, Sarge, if you’re reading this-I think about you every day, you fucking piece of shit.”
Quote #4: “I felt he was completely reckless. We try to give our best in all our matches, but he took me out for a long time. He took a lot of money out of my pocket, a lot of money away from my family. And the injury took a lot of money, I believe, out of the company. I still to this day can’t figure out what he was thinking.”
Quote #5: “I brushed my teeth with my finger.”
Quote #6: “Women were my drug of choice.”
Once again, the first person to correctly identify each of the quotes will win… something!!!
NEWS FROM O-TOWN
Agent or No Agent, TNA is Down with the Brown!!!
From the PWInsider, “D-Lo Brown will be working as an agent backstage at next week’s Impact tapings.”
Considering how disappointed I was when the WWE failed to pick up D’lo Brown in August after he did a couple of dark matches, this is great news for a couple of reasons! First, TNA did the smart thing and did not sign him to the active roster. While D’lo would be a nice addition to the roster, they simply do not need another ex-WWE wrestler. As an agent, Brown will still be able to help out the younger wrestlers in a non-wrestling capacity. Furthermore, if things work out, Brown will be seen in any pull apart brawls featuring Kurt Angle!
Dixie Lets Her Guard Down
From the Torch, “At a party after the first two-hour Impact taping, Dixie Carter partied with wrestlers and let her guard down more than she ever has. Although many thought it was unbecoming of her, other thought it showed she wasn’t uptight and was willing to really let loose around the performers. Vince McMahon has been known to let loose, too, including partying with wrestlers once in the early-1990s and having each of them give him their finisher in a bar. It’s believed the Doomsday Device is what caused McMahon to have neck problems and require neck surgery shortly thereafter.”
I wonder if Kurt Angle showed Dixie how to escape a hammerlock!
Quick N Dirty TNA News
Note: From all the usual sources
New Signings: Both Apollo Consequences Creed and Talia have signed with TNA.
From everything I heard, Consequences was impressive in his showing at Bound For Glory so it’s nice to see him being rewarded with a roster spot. As for Talia, judging from the few matches on Heat I’ve seen of her, she’s not too shabby. TNA would be a good fit for her as she does not fit the WWE criteria for a Diva (even though Greg Helms is her boyfriend).
Word is that Angle and Jeff Jarrett have made peace. The two had been forming factions backstage to vie for more control from Dixie Carter, with Sting being the only big name that refused to pick a side. Despite the differing opinions about TNA’s booking it seems the status quo is going to be the way forward for now.
Well status quo is a win for Jarrett. Thankfully, this argument did not develop into something much worse (full out civil war) as the TNA locker room is already not known for its morale.
Junior Fatu is already asking for more money from TNA. The belief is that the former WWE star is currently working without a contract.
I still don’t understand why the company picked up Rikishi. If anyone has a good idea, please let me know.
Sting has been telling people backstage at the iMPACT tapings that he plans on retiring at the end of this year. Sting and TNA are currently negotiating for a one year extension on his contract. Many within TNA aren’t sure if Sting will resign or not. Dixie Carter is said to be very high on Sting and wants him to stay with TNA. If Sting signs the new deal, he would make $500,000 per year and only have to work TV and PPV dates.
Now that’s a pretty sweet deal. Personally, I would use Junior Fatu’s contract to pay for Sting. But then again, if Sting wants to hang up his boots, he went out on top and no one can blame him for that.
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT… CYBER SUNDAY PREVIEW
Whatever happened to my lackey? Motherfucker adds 20 more columns to his name and proceeds to forget where he started. Unbelievable.
Anyway, here is the card for those in the know:
WWE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: Randy Orton © vs. Shawn Michaels, Jeff Hardy or Mr. Kennedy
WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: Batista © vs. the Undertaker “You Pick the Special Guest Ref:” JBL, Stone Cold, or Mick Foley
ECW CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: CM Punk © vs. Big Daddy V, John Morrison, or the Miz
“STREET FIGHT, FIRST BLOOD, OR STEEL CAGE MATCH”: Triple H vs. Umaga
“STRETCHER, POLE, OR NO DQ”: Rey Mysterio vs. Finlay
“BOXING, WRESLTING, OR MMA MATCH”: Matt Hardy vs. MVP
DIVAS HALLOWEEN COSTUME PARTY!!!
On paper, the card looks pretty appealing as long as Big Daddy V and Mr. Kennedy are not the fans’ choices. While in the past, none of the major titles have changed hands (only the tag titles which are not even at stake on this card), we could very well see a new champion here. If I were a betting man, I would pick the Undertaker though CM Punk could very easily be a lame duck champion too.
411Mania will have live coverage of Cyber Sunday so check back here Sunday night to see the results!
COMING ATTRACTIONS
No, I’m not going on vacation next week so y’all will be stuck with me for another week. As for right now, it’s bed time. Ciao.
Meehan’s in tomorrow!
Buy my panties!
For the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, I’m Jeff Small… and you’re not!!!!!!!!!!!
