You’re An Idiot And Here’s Why 11.01.07: Rikishi

Fuck those tiny begging children.

This Week’s Idiot: Rikishi

Rikishi’s defining talent and contribution to the wrestling industry is, of course, that he is a giant fat man. I mean, I’m a fat guy. But Rikishi is a giant fat man. And that’s cool. He’s Samoan. And the WWE tend to like really big fat guys…every now and then. To be honest, the WWE seem to change their mind about this depending on the tides and the seasons. Sometimes they’ll be high on a guy like Mark Henry or The Big Show and push them all the way…then they’ll switch on a dime and send them down to OVW to lose the weight they’ve had all along.

Rikishi got insanely over with the WWE during his run with Too Cool around the early 00’s, and he became a massive live draw. I went to see a Smackdown tour in England years ago, and the WWE Title match with Brock Lesnar defending the strap came on just before the intermission. I was super-psyched. I turned to my buddy Pete and said “Man, if they put the title match on now just imagine what the main event will be!”. And what was the main event that had pushed Brock down the card? A fucking 6-man tag match finishing with Rikishi’s fat-ass dance. I was giddy like a damn school-girl expecting cage match or something on a house show, and became extremely angry and grumpy all the way home after having to watch that crap.

I don’t know why but people seemed to love Rikishi’s schtick. Don’t get me wrong, Rikishi in his prime was a very talented big man. He had speed and agility in the ring. He pulled out that wicked Superkick and could flip himself nearly completely round when taking a stiff clothesline (which I always thought looked badass). I can remember that Rikishi’s popularity reached such an insane level in 2000 that when facing The Rock on Smackdown they actually split the crowd down the middle.

But as ever the WWE waited far too long to pull the trigger, then when they did they screwed Rikishi up with the Who Ran Over Stone Cold angle and reduced him to HHH’s idiot stooge. And why did Rikishi run Austin down…anyone remember?…anyone?…the correct answer is: The Fight Against Racism. Seriously. That was the reason. Wiki it.

After a failed heel turn and some bad entrance music (“I’m a bad man…a bad man…I’m a bad man”) Rikishi’s star faded and the WWE had to return him to the tag division where he resumed a pairing with whichever member of Too Cool isn’t Jerry Lawler’s kid. From there he gained weight, lost speed in the ring and the WWE eventually released him from his contract.

A mere three years later Rikishi capitalized on his WWE fame by debuting in TNA as Junior Fatu. Whilst there he took part in yet another attempt to keep Samoa Joe out of the main event, and tagged with him. A little over a month later and Junior Fatu has been released from TNA because, sadly, creative didn’t have anything for him. Wait a minute, that wasn’t the reason? Oh, well then I guess he was offered another contract with WWE? No? Oh. Erm…well maybe he got caught up in that recent steroids scandal? Guess…guess not. So what was the real reason, oh 411wrestling.com newspage?

HE ASKED FOR MORE FUCKING MONEY?

Seriously, Rikishi? Seriously? You’re fucking Rikishi for god’s sake! They probably hired you as a favor! Or because Dixie lost a bet with Vince! You do realize that TNA already has Kurt Angle, Christian, Sting, Samoa Joe and Kevin Nash? “Yeah, it’s a pretty good roster, but you know who we really need? That guy who used to be in Too Cool seven years ago! Take that Vince!”

You’re An Idiot Because – You’re Freakin’ Rikishi!