The Seventh Dimension 11.03.07: Hell in a Tell(tale)…?

How do urban legends get started? These bizarre myths that people believe, despite no evidence to back up their faith and every reason to question it. I’m not talking about religion here, that’s different. I’m talking about relatively minor stories or ‘bendings’ of the truth, that are probably taken as fact by the masses because they’re so minor. Because the source has obviously little to gain from lying and nothing to lose from honesty.

The concept of urban legends spans a wide range. Below the aforementioned religious beliefs, which I shall not consider fallacy as they cannot be proven one way or the other and are too important for such a shitty wrestling article, conspiracy theories would be the highest example. The JFK assassination. Diana’s car crash. The McCann family nightmare still unfolding. Further down are the simple perjuring tactics of reality television, which edits footage to make you construe an opinion that will garner ratings and publicity, even if it means doing complete injustice to the antagonist. Still we go further down, until eventually it doesn’t matter what we believe because it’s not important. Nobody is damaged one way or another.

The following theory revolves around such an idea. The notion that, when something is so far in the past and there can be no harm created by such an insignificant fib, anything will be believed without worry because why shouldn’t it be? Yet I have reason to believe that ONE such article of information IS false. Therefore, it is my duty to share this thought process with you, whether you end up agreeing or not (and, truly, I don’t expect or even aim to change anyone’s opinion here).

Ladies and gentlemen, it is my conviction…that THAT Chokeslam spot was planned all along.

I’m sure many will have cottoned on to what I’m referring to, but in case you’re still none-the-wiser, here’s a clue:

This was, of course, the infamous spot, taken from Undertaker’s Hell in a Cell match with Mankind in 1998, in which Undertaker launched Mick from the roof of the cell to the table below. I remember watching this match long after it took place, having seen both of the spots many times afterwards, assuming that they were the result of a long battle that slowly found its way to the top of the structure. I was stunned when I saw the match in full, and realised it actually took place NINETY SECONDS from the opening bell (well, the bell never actually rang, but you know what I mean). It defined Mick Foley for me, years after it had happened and I was accustomed to him, so of course the impact would have been even greater to those who saw it live. It’s a truly legendary moment in the history of this business, and one that still gives me goose-pimples all over my epidermis.

However, a little over five minutes later, another spot took place that has been the source of much debate ever since. Mick Foley climbed back up the cell, instantly earning him several thousand more fans than he already had, and was promptly thrown THROUGH the damn thing onto the mat. Ever since this took place, many people – including, it would seem, the majority of columnists on this very website – have seemed certain that the spot was an accident. Mick himself (allegedly, I haven’t read Have A Nice Day yet. Which is a shame. In fact, I have three WWE books I haven’t had the time to read. Damn…) states in his autobiography that the bump wasn’t meant to happen. It is readily accepted the world over that when Foley fell those fifteen feet (alliteration!), neither he nor Mark Callaway expected it to occur. To this, I say the following:

Are you really THAT gullible?

I’m sorry if this sounds out of line or condescending, but it has to be said. If you honestly think this bump was an accident, then I have trouble crediting you with the intelligence necessary to determine fiction from reality. Give me your address, and I’ll happily send you a chocolate leprechaun with ‘Santa’ written across his horn. Either that, or I can ship out some spindles of thread from which you may weave a golden fortune to spend on a GPS system, so that you never again have to risk inadvertently walking underneath a ladder.

So from where, exactly, do I find this unequivocal confidence in other peoples’ mistakes? The answer…is one that I shall cover in due course. The first thing to do, however, is to determine why there would ever be a gap of information in the first place.

In other words, why exactly would Mick Foley lie about something like this?

Well, from an immediate standpoint, I’d have to say his family. Having watched Beyond The Mat, it was quite clear that his wife and two (at the time) children were deeply concerned when they saw their meal ticket and beloved husband/father repeatedly compromise his health and well-being in such environments. His philosophy always seemed to be that he would “take all of (his) risks early so that (he) could retire aged 34”, which of course was his original intention and one he almost stuck to. However, his family were evidently distressed with the acquaintance that Papa Foley could die at any second due to his work ethic (not that there’s THAT much extra certainty of safety by staying on the canvas for your whole career. It’s a difficult business, this wrestling malarkey). Perhaps he just didn’t want his kin to see their hero as a mental-head stunt-bastard. Maybe he lied about the bump to save his relatives the pain of being associated with a ‘spot-monkey garbage-wrestler’ (hey, I’m not using these labels. I’m just trying to form some understanding, here).

The only problem with this way of thinking is that, in Beyond The Mat at least (selective editing, though?), it would seem that Mick only discovered the anxiety he generated when he was shown footage of Collette and Dewey in attendance during his ‘I Quit’ match at the 1999 Royal Rumble – seven months after the Hell in a Cell match. In fact, going by that logic, you’d think he’d be more likely to lie if it WAS an accident, claiming he was never in any danger and it was all under control. So, a different rationale may be in order.

Perhaps, then (and this is what I believe to be true), Mick claimed it was an accident because PART of it was accidental, and he didn’t want to come across as a hack who blew his spots. Allow me to explain – Mick is slammed through the cell, which was intentional. However, Mick landed awkwardly on his side and took much of the force of the landing on his head, which was unintentional. On top of that, the chair that fell to the ring with him from the top of the cell landed on his face, knocking him out cold. Therefore, in fact, there WAS a huge element of “whoops!” that manifested from the proceedings, but NOT the same level of wank that we’ve been led to regard as verity.

And besides, why couldn’t Foley lie? Is it not possible for somebody to be a good, hard-working person without occasionally administering a fabrication in a circumstance where he probably believes it to be the right thing to do? And let’s not get ideas above our stations, here – Foley IS an actor, after all, so he actually works in a profession based around deceit. He shouldn’t be positioned on a pedestal from which it’s decreed impossible for him to be anything other than infallible. We ARE talking about the same guy who was naïve enough to think Terry Funk should be in WWE main events in 2007. He’s also the one willing to referee a match between Coachman and Hornswoggle just to shill his latest novel. No, Foley is not perfect in any way. In fact, it’s the familiar, ‘average Joe’ (well, ‘average Mick’…woaaaay!) charm and personality that we all know and love about him.

I feel like I’m losing you here with all this hypothetical mumbo-jumbo. You probably believe I just want to argue with the general consensus week after week (I wouldn’t blame you, really), or that I have it in for Foley. You might even suggest that I don’t want to think that this business would ever imperil two of the all-time greats, so I’m simply making excuses for the WWE. Well, you would be wrong. I promise you that I would not have delved this deep if I didn’t have an adequate shovel of inquisition.

So, my faithful audience, I ask that you watch the video of the event itself (you’ll have to follow the link, as I can’t work out how to imbed videos onto the article. This is where having a few friends on the site would actually have helped me somewhat). This is the full second part of the match, which means that not only is the real-time clip included, but several replays from different angles broadcast are also on the excerpt. Go and watch it, and I’ll be waiting for you when you get back.

(Suddenly cuts to me furiously masturbating) Oi! Turn that camera away. (Testcard plays to disguise the nightmarish turn of events…but, unfortunately, the testcard ALSO has footage of me feverously basting my saveloy in an attempt to emanate semen. And, as I ejaculate, the camera lens softens and plays the incident in slow-motion, to the haunting sound of Jeff Buckley’s ‘Hallelujah’…)

Right, time’s up. What? Why are you looking at me like that?

Ok, now you’ve got the match fresh in your mind, I have a few questions to ask. If you can answer them in a way that can assuredly prove my thesis wrong, then fair enough. But at least give them some serious thought.

Question 1: Would WWE really have neglected to absolutely ensure the safety of two of their most prized attractions? Would they honestly have allowed EITHER spot to take place without being 100% certain that there would be no unexpected fallout from it? (And please, don’t use Owen Hart as an argument against this question. That was pure bad luck. I’m talking about the actual in-ring quota.)

Question 2: Is it a coincidence that, before the spot took place, neither man placed a foot on the portion of the cell that broke? And that Undertaker moved his foot AROUND the edge of it in order to masquerade the potential with a trick-of-the-eye technique?

Question 3: Is there a link (this relates to the opening section of the match, before the initial bump) in that another piece of the cell broke through very slightly just by simply walking on it, albeit not enough to actually cause panic for the two men to, you know, get the hell off the thing? Almost as if the whole episode served as a tease…but for what? Oh, yeah – the massive bump through the cell later on.

Question 4: If the cell was not meant to give way, then why the hell did Undertaker choose to fuck up that ONE Chokeslam by simply pushing Foley by the throat, in a way that he would fall directly onto his back and his head and legs would not be threatened by the chance of colliding with the cell on his way down?

Question 5: Looking at every single camera angle, you will notice that they all catch the fall almost flawlessly. This in itself is not evidence in my favour, as cameramen are hired to be competent, but answer me this – why on earth did two of the cameras choose to pan away from the action when the Chokeslam was taking place? If the intention was to simply land on the chair, wouldn’t you want to zoom IN on that shit? Instead of zooming OUT (a process that started long before Foley was even ‘lifted’, I might add) so as to show the ring underneath and the crowd cheering and jumping in appreciation?

Question 6, and the most important question of all: HOW THE FUCKING HELL DO YOU THINK THEY WERE GOING TO GET DOWN FROM THE CELL?!?!? Did you honesty expect there to just be a bit of a brawl on top, Mankind lands on the chair and then both men gather themselves and climb down so they can resolve their issue inside the squared circle? Or did you expect Foley to be thrown onto the other table, which would have likely killed the spot since the same man did it twice in one match? Or that Foley would be thrown from the other side of the cell, onto the mat or the ramp, which would be several times worse than landing on the ring and possibly kill him? Of course, in either of the latter two cases there would be the problem of getting him back inside the ring. I suppose Undertaker could have carried Foley, but why would he? He’s already obliterated him by that point, and you’ll remember that the story behind the match was that it had been ended (and Undertaker appeared perfectly happy with this result), but Mankind got off the stretcher and continued, so it wouldn’t make sense for him to be forced to carry on after it happened AGAIN. Unless, of course, he happened to end up in the ring via ‘unexpected’ means…which is what happened.

So we’re now left with the possibility that Mankind would have returned of his own accord, which would have sucked horrendously. I can picture it now…

JR: Mah GAWD, King! Foley is back on his feet after falling off the roof twice in the span of ten minutes!
(Crowd cheers)
LAWLER: I wonder what crazy shit we’re still in store for, JR!
JR: It doesn’t bear thinking about! Here’s Foley now! He’s approaching the cell now and…opening the door. And now he’s inside the ring.
(Crowd boos)
LAWLER: Um…
JR: …So wow, that Ken Shamrock match earlier? New King of the Ring…

No, that wasn’t going to happen, was it? Ok, mark yourselves out of ten and leave the sheets on my desk.

I know I’m coming across as amazingly arrogant in these claims, but I have a right to be. On this occasion, there isn’t a single reason to doubt my intuition, and every reason to believe at LEAST that there is some judgment behind what I say. Foley and the Undertaker had it down the whole time. The WWE were in on it and, deep down, WE knew it as well. But we insolently latched onto whatever Foley told us as if it was gospel, despite the very clear substantiation supporting the contrary.

Of course, I could be wrong. Perhaps it WAS an accident all along, and it was on its way to being the single worst booked Hell in a Cell match the company would ever see, until fate threw it one heck of a bone. Or, perhaps, Foley never even claimed it to be an accident, and certain people are either mistaken or, at worst, full of shit. But the bottom line is this – aside from the injuries sustained and Foley’s brief period of unconsciousness (resulting in Terry Funk getting Chokeslammed out of his trainers), every single logical aspect leads ME to believe that the match went exactly the way it was planned.

The way most great matches should do.

So Cyber Sunday has been and gone, and I was very pleasantly surprised. For a start, as rubbish as the linear and limited voting options are, it IS nice to see that they do abide by the viewers’ choices. You could argue (and rightfully so) that none of the options would even BE an option if WWE weren’t willing to use all of them, but at the same time it’s been sickeningly obvious that they want to influence the votes as much as they possibly can. That said, we had not one but TWO relative upsets on the show, bringing the total up to five in the event’s four year history – although I wouldn’t really class Matt Hardy being picked to tag with Rey Mysterio as an upset.

Obviously the big one was Mike Mizanin being placed in the ECW title match, with 39% of the vote. I wanted this to happen, and I’m glad it did as the match was probably more enjoyable than another Big Daddy V DQ or yet another Punk/Morrison match (don’t forget to watch ECW on Sci-Fi next week!). It makes sense in retrospect, because the Miz has been on television feuding with Balls Mahoney every week, so he may arguably be the most ‘over’ of the three purely due to constant exposure. Plus, unlike perhaps the niche/rusty audiences inclined to choose one of the other two, Miz would garner votes from many different demographics – those that like him, those that want to see CM Punk destroy him, those that wanted a bit of fun with the voting and didn’t expect the result to materialise, and those that were simply none too impressed with the competition. That said, Morrison DID get a good turnout as well (33% of the vote), so there’s no reason to fear for his future on the brand, especially since he only just returned and the company was rooting for V. V is the big loser here, as he was clearly the WWE’s choice and he came last. However, with a respectable 24% of the vote, I’d still say it’s worth continuing the experiment. But take nothing away from Miz, he earned his spot on that night and that was enough for me to vote him as Wrestler of the Week.

The second surprising result was the Triple H/Umaga clash taking place in a Street Fight, as opposed to a cage match. I remember on the Roundtable saying I wanted a close Street Fight between the two, which of course in Cynicismland meant that Triple H would be burying young(ish) Eddie Fatu in a cage. Well, fuck me sideways if I didn’t get EXACTLY as I wanted, as Umaga and Triple H had a terrific match, second best of the night (Batista/Undertaker took the MOTN honour in my opinion), and Umaga was finally perceived as a major threat. Triple H did win eventually, which was a foregone conclusion and the right choice, as Triple H should be defeating Umaga at this moment in time. But believe it or not, it IS possible to go over without winning, just as it’s possible to get wins over big names and come out looking worse (Billy Kidman and Vampiro, anyone?).

So, all in all, I was very happy with Cyber Sunday. The only real downsides were the stupid womens’ crap (at least they were hot, but I want better from a pay-per-view), and the back-to-back non-finishes in title matches – I have no problem with the occasional DQ to aid the feud, but having two in a row is a bit of a joke. Oh yeah, and Mick Foley getting NO reaction whatsoever. In fact, he almost received negative acknowledgement from the crowd, as if they were somehow capable of vacuuming sentiment from the occasion. Thankfully, the next night on Raw was a different story and Foley was over huge, but it’s still a worrying state of affairs. But, apart from those relatively small quibbles, it was a very good show.

Spare a thought for Moolah’s family this week, guys.

Chris Masters and Harry Smith are IDIOTS. That is all.

Actually, that IS all. I don’t really have anything left to talk about from the week’s news, so let’s move on to the…

Rubbish Youtube Quote of the Week~! From Triple H vs Umaga at Cyber Sunday (how fitting!)

Undertake01
no triple H is better then any other wreceler

Oh, dear goodness. First of all, I have to assume that the name ‘Undertake01’ is a reference to the Undertaker. So why the hell would you name yourself after somebody OTHER than your favourite? Second…well, I’m going to just stop here because there’s no way I’m getting into another rant about spelling and grammar. I’ve come to expect it from pathetic fanboy cunts who’d be better served getting an education than staring in front of a screen mashing erroneous bullshit onto a video forum in order to look cool. Stuff such as the following (consider this a dishonourable mention, a ‘staggerer-up’ if you will), from the same video:

yazkiss91
dxdxdxdxdxdxdxdxdxdxxdxdxdxdxdxdxdxdxdxdxdxdxdxdxdxdxdxdxdxdxdxdxdxdxdxdxdxdxdxdxdxdxdxdxdx

ARGH! The stupid, it hurts! (What’s that actually from, by the way?) Again, I will bet you ANYTHING that he typed each of those ‘dx’es, rather than learn how to “hold control AND press C and then follow THAT with V? While STILL holding control?! How does anyone cope with stuff like that? Ooh, no time to think about it, I’ve got a ‘cena sux’ line to share with the world!” Bellends.

Actually, I’m the bigger bellend for giving them publicity. In fact, bloody hell, what a cock I am, deliberately seeking crappy comments just so I can talk about how crappy they are in a pompous, superior tone. Ah, fuck it. I’m set in my ways. Besides, it amuses me and probably a few of you, so every cloud and that.

The Matter: I’ve written a bit more than I expected, so just a very short one this time. I got a job finally. That’s it. That’s the ‘matter’.

The Link: And here’s the ‘link’, which is even more pitiful than the matter. Wrestling is a job. Hey, I got a job this week! Also, losing a match is often termed as ‘doing a job’. I guess I’ll be “doing my job” from now on. Soooo…enjoy! Ah, look, you can forgive me surely? It’s not like many people read this for the Wrestlelife section ANYWAY. In fact, I’ve only ever received ONE piece of feedback for it, I believe. I’m sure it will be business as usual next week.

Sadly, there’s no end in sight. I’m afraid it’s all rapidly disintegrating, because…

…I lost the feedback this week. I deleted my emails thinking I’d saved the content onto Word, and of course I hadn’t. Sorry about that, it’s especially frustrating as I got LOADS of it this week, a lot of it was very good and all of it was well-written. Oh well, it makes a change from having another column absolutely dedicated to it.

All is not lost, though. I did save the names of those that sent, and I have a good memory of the basic premise of their correspondences. So here is a rough outline of what was said, and I guess some small form of response to them.

Johnny Tucker wrote in telling me why I was wrong and Cena is, in fact, talentless (despite the innumerable occasions that I have solidly stated this to not be true, and backed this up with evidence and examples). He did make some good points about Shawn Michaels as well, but neglected to mention that these were ALSO true of Cena. Finally, he said that he hopes one day that I will realise I was wrong and he was right, so that he can enjoy the column more. I’m not even going to attempt to rationalise that last part. Thanks for writing, though.

Travis Bucklashuck sent to me for the second time (well, technically third and fourth as he sent twice the first time), telling me he doesn’t like Cena much but he DOES respect his influence and effort. That’s really all I ask. I’m a bit sick of the character as well, but there’s a difference between a character that doesn’t cater to your tastes and a bad actor. If there wasn’t, Arnold Schwarzenegger would have won several Oscars and Tom Cruise would have been shot in the head by his own adopted children.

Travis also mentioned something about the ‘nigger’ argument that I accidentally instigated a couple of weeks ago, and how it’s unfair that black people can get away with using it as a label (along with anti-white slurs, I might add), yet other races can lose their jobs just for saying it. Amen to that, although again I don’t want to get too bogged down in all of this. I’ve seen American History X – it starts off as a bit of bad luck or a thirst for equality, and quickly develops into curb-stompings and prison sodomy. Plus, when you’re dissing Elliot freaking GOULD, you know you have a problem.

New reg-con Phil Martin brought up something I didn’t even get started on yet. He rightfully pointed out that Orton is worshipped as the anti-Cena despite the fact that they’re two sides of the same coin. Almost every argument for or against either Orton or Cena (except that of backstage attitude, though I’m pleased to hear that Orton is maturing and he and Cena are friends) can be used on the other as well – the work-rate, the good selling, the being-shoved-down-our-throats-until-we-choke-like-it-was-1996.

In fact, he went one further and said that he sees Orton as the bigger internal hard-on of the two, as he was pushed straight away and kept getting chances despite being a cock. It took the fans (the same ones booing him now he’s improved, mind you) DEMANDING Cena rise to the top to get him elevated from the mid-card. Phil also does not see any major developments in Orton’s character since he debuted, which I wouldn’t necessarily agree with but I do agree that Cena’s is vastly more complex and evolved.

Funnily enough, this whole thing reminds me of the fans turning Sid face against Michaels in 1996. If I’d seen that at the time, I’d probably cover this comparison in another column. Ah well, if any other staff-writers are reading this and couldn’t think of an idea for their article next week, there you go. Either that, or I’ll have to look out for “Lolz Orton’z Like Sid – DUH DUH DUH” from Irv Muchkin or one some other hack.

Chris Jacobs followed up on his email last week, which was angrily directed at TNA for taking the title off Angle and putting it on Sting. I’m not exactly pleased they did that, but I could live with it if they hadn’t made the shitty tag match for Genesis. Chris just wrote back to say it will take a miraculous outing from Kevin Nash to make this work in the way they want. Honestly, I hope he does pull it off. He won’t, though. More likely is that he’ll work five minutes of acceptable brawling, a sidewalk slam and a Jackknife. Had this not been the main event with the title on the line, that would be fine in my book. But yeah, I’m not looking forward to this. Well, I am in a car-crash sort of way.

Finally, Wael Am Hashimi wanted to sing my praises, which I was grateful for after considering packing this gig in over the last week. It’s nice to know that, if I pull my finger out, I can get a bit more mileage out of this baby yet.

After a few weeks of trying new things and messing with the formula (which I will continue to do, as this isn’t supposed to be horrifically linear), it was a nice, and surprising, throwback to the good old days of my first three columns – apart from the lack of effort after the focal topic. But, you know, at least I enjoyed writing it this week, which hasn’t really been the case for the last fortnight or possibly longer. Now, if only I could keep this sort of thing up! Either that, or have a limited schedule where I only posted on weeks where I had something to say. But never mind, I suppose the rubbish weeks are worth it for the ones where I enjoy what I do. In fact, they definitely are.

It’s good to still be alive.