The Un-Dream Match 12.30.07: Chyna Vs. The Ultimate Warrior.

Welcome to yet another edition of the “Un”-Dream Match. For those still not familiar with this, boy, have you missed out. Basically, these columns are designed to think about matches so ‘unique’ that you would never think of it while thinking about dream matches. These matches have an appeal to those who love the bizarreness of professional wrestling, in that they are logical, they aren’t just thrown together, they have some logic, but only in Pro Wrestling does such logic exist. We break down each match through categories of strength, speed, brawling, stamina, intangibles and willingness to cheat. Finally, we would visualize how these matches would play out. Fairly straight-forward. Today we examine a match between two widely different characters with somewhat similar post-WWE careers. Fitting, huh? So, strap on a feed back, hook up the IV of sugar water, because I give you:

Chyna VS. Warrior Warrior

Uh, that is…

Chyna VS. The Ultimate Warrior

Brief Background:

Chyna debuted in the WWE in 1997 as HHH’s silent burly female bodyguard. She developed more of a personality with each and every enhancement, going from DX member to Corporate Member then switching between the two both in one night, then becoming a Feminist then a Playboy model, winning the IC title on multiple occasions, then the Women’s Title. And then it all went to hell. For a more detailed look at her career, might I suggest this fine article on said topic?

The Ultimate Warrior started out as a Bodybuilder before eventually becoming The Ultimate Warrior in WWE in 1987. With his unique look, his sprinting and general charisma and nonsensical promos, he gained huge momentum and a big fan base, leading to him having several key moments in WWE history, destroying The Honky Tonk Man at Summerslam 88, beating Hulk Hogan cleanly for the WWF Title at Wrestlemania 6, and so on. His career peaked however at WM6, floundering slightly after he lost the belt to Sergeant Slaughter, before floundering badly, with each release and re-hire getting less and less of a reaction, before a DISASTERIOUS run in WCW in 98/99 being his final stint in the business before moving onto becoming a public speaker, right wing pundit and borderline libel DVD target.

Strength:

Ironically enough, this is both Chyna and Warrior’s main strength, no pun intended. Chyna always focused on her strength, showing that despite being a woman she was powerful, tossing guys like Mark Henry around, and then when she moved into the Women’s Division, she tossed the other women around like rag dolls. Warrior on the other hand was less throwing, more knockdowns. Apart from his trademark Gorilla Press Slam, his strength was more in explosive bursts, tackles, clotheslines and so on. That said, I have to give the nod to Warrior on this count. While Chyna is a great specimen, so is Warrior, and it’s easier to knock someone down than toss them, so he can do it more often.

Advantage: Ultimate Warrior

Speed:

This is less of a contest than the previous match up, in that while Chyna was be no means slow, she never relied on her speed. Whereas it’s a key component to Warrior, his sprinting, his bursts of speed shocking at times. Warrior can turn things around in an instant; all he needs is a vertical base and a small window of time. Warrior takes it easy.

Advantage: Ultimate Warrior

Brawling:

Now we get into the murky area. Warrior seems, on the surface, to have a strong case in this one. Warrior never used anything more complicated than a headlock on his opponents, just choosing to hit them then hit them again, maybe drop them then jump on them, call it a day. However, apart from that handspring elbow, the occasional power move, and maybe a flying move if it’s a special occasion, Chyna was also pretty much a brawler. Certainly her most famous move, the low blow, is hardly scientific. But while in the ring they are in this aspect evenly matched, if it goes to the outside, then Chyna’s limited history of hardcore brawling (Her first IC title came in a No DQ ‘Good Housekeeping’ match, and her career was in late 90’s/early 2000 and thus she had the occasional hardcore match, given that everyone in that era seemed to) is better than Warrior’s non-existent history in it. Thus, Chyna, just barely, gets the upper hand in this part.

Advantage: Chyna

Stamina:

If you can find me a Warrior match that went past 10 minutes, then you probably have a Royal Rumble. Find me a Chyna match that went past 10 minutes, and you also have a Rumble match. That said, while you’d think a guy who runs to the ring and shakes the ropes like mad, the guy snorting and jumping up and down would take this, given the energy level, that’s the exact reason why he doesn’t. Chyna was also slow, methodical, not in a rush, taking her time. Warrior only seems to understand the idea of holding back when his career is on the line. The longer the match, the more likely Warrior will tire himself out, and the better it is for Chyna. Chyna in a slight upset.

Advantage: Chyna

Intangibles:

There are a few intangibles to consider here. For starters, I don’t wish to sound misogynistic, but Warrior is a man, Chyna is a woman, and thus you’d assume, since both are physical specimens, that Warrior will be that much stronger, that much harder hitting, if only a little bit. However, Warrior has few if any allies in the industry. Sting, maybe Hogan, The Disciple, that’s it. Whereas Chyna has a much bigger rolodex to call on, not just managers like Shane McMahon, but allies like DX, Jericho, Eddie Guerrero, The Playboy Empire, Kane, there are lots of guys Chyna could call on to help if she needed it. But the key intangible will be that Warrior is from a slightly older school of wrestler, of man. He won’t see Chyna as a threat, she’s a woman. So, at least at first, Chyna will have the advantage. Warrior will soon see her as a threat, but by then it might be too late.

Advantage: Chyna

Willingness To Cheat:

The guy stands for the Warrior spirit, and the embodiment of heroism. I think, it’s hard to tell what he says he’s for. The girl dishes out low blows like candy.

Advantage: Chyna

Who Would Win?

It’s a surprise, considering the titles held, but it’s somewhat believable. Chyna comes out first, in full Face DX mode, leather and studs and silently rubbing her hands. Then Warrior sprints to the ring, doing his whole entrance, the crowd gets into it. He steps into the ring, motions to the heavens, then turns and faces the entranceway, seemingly waiting for his opponent. Chyna waits for a moment, then taps his shoulder. Warrior turns, tells her to go away, and turns back to wait. Chyna shrugs, and nails a low blow as the ref is distracted by calling for the bell. Warrior no-sells, turning around and looking slightly confused. Chyna clotheslines him. Nothing. She slams him. Warrior stands up, still confused. A kick and a Pedigree is no-sold, and Warrior finally realises that this is Chyna. He kicks her ass for a few minutes, lots of clotheslines, tackles and then a Gorilla Press. The Big Splash gets only 2, as Chyna’s, well, implants block some of the impact. As Warrior looks confused, then turns to go again, he sees The Kat saunter out, looking just like Chyna, her ‘Slave’ shirt tied off at the highest point allowed by law before we get a Nudity rating. Warrior is distracted, naturally. Although unlike a normal man, he goes into a rant about how female queering is just as bad. Kat gets up on the apron, and plants a big kiss on Warrior, getting paint all over her face. Warrior says that won’t help her, and grabs her, lifting her up in the Gorilla Press. And as he shows her off, and the ref admonishes him, Chyna Low Blow. Kat lands on the ref, allowing Chyna to nail half a dozen more low blows. Warrior staggers around for Chyna’s main weapon, a Sledgehammer right between the eyes. She slides it back to HHH, who says something about Payback, and a unnecessary Pedigree gets the shock 3 count. Chyna and Kat win the crowd back over with some spanking as Warrior runs to the back, chasing after HHH.

Winner: Chyna