Evolution Schematic 01.26.08: Mankind (Part 2)

Happy Australia Day! For those of you not blessed to be an Aussie and aren’t stuck doing a column on the great day, perhaps pause and consider something you like that came out of Australia. Be it Hugh Jackman, Russell Crowe, Kylie Minogue, Real Beer, Australia’s Sporting Dominance Over England, Don Bradman (The Single Greatest Sportsman Who Ever Lived, Bar None), The Wiggles, Rupert Murdoch, whatever. Just pause and thanks us for bringing them to you. Or, if there is not a single thing you like about Australia, then pause, think about us, then spit on something. It’s all good.

That said, have you listened to 411mania’s podcast to preview the Royal Rumble? I hear it’s got an Aussie in it, and that he did a great job, despite sounding like he’s just come out of a Monty Python film. Ignore the mistakes, I mean, Chavo I should have guessed, yes, but you can’t blame me for Lashley if it’s not a work.

God I hope it’s a work, if only for my reputation.

TO STREAM: Simply press the play button on the podcast player.

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When we left off (abruptly, alas, and for that I apologize) last week, as seen here, Mankind was just starting to get into his groove when Dude Love turned up to become Steve Austin’s tag partner, replacing Shawn Michaels.

Phase 4- It’s Crowded At The Top.

Dude Love had finally emerged, and in his first true match won a title. This did not sit well with Mankind, but for a while, he was willing to work with Dude Love. The two identities shared the same body, Dude Love also having problems with Hunter Hearse Helmsley after Austin got injured and had to forfeit the tag titles. Although in the record books Mankind got the win at Summerslam 97 in a cage match with Hunter, it was Dude who really won the match, much to Mankind’s chagrin. But while Mankind and Dude somehow got along, it all got weirder when yet another Persona came back.

Phase 5- ‘Cactus Jack… Is Back!’

Mankind and Dude Love just couldn’t get the job done, see. HHH had to be dealt with. And they both knew that only Cactus Jack could be sick enough, crazy enough, to get the job done. So Dude and Mankind let Cactus out, for one night only. They gave him control, and let him do things to HHH that if it was outside of a wrestling match would be grounds for attempted murder.

But now all three personas had a footing, all three had a stake, and all three tried to take control, to become the dominate persona. At first, Dude and Mankind were able to work together and keep Cactus down, and Mankind was more often than not the guy who normally had control of the body. Thus Mankind was the guy who fought Kane in his ‘first’ ‘official’ PPV match, as Mankind tried to stop the juggernaut that was Paul Bearer’s little son.

However, the 98 Royal Rumble saw a unique opportunity for Mick’s identities as what can only be described as a clerical error saw Cactus Jack, Mankind AND Dude Love all draw numbers, Mankind losing out as he drew the middle number and was eliminated by The Artist Formerly Known As Goldust.

But the Rumble let Cactus Jack out, and coupled with Terry Funk’s return under the Chainsaw Charlie persona (another topic for another time), Mankind for the first time since he emerged was thrown to the back, as he vanished as Cactus Jack took over.

Then Cactus Jack felt he was being disrespected, and thus after Wrestlemania Cactus Jack withdrew back into Mick Foley’s subconscious. Vince was then able to swoop in and help Dude Love take control, with dreams of gold, chicks, power, chicks money and chicks. So again, Mankind lost out, and was gone.

Phase 6- Finally, he returns, straight into Hell.

Eventually though, the night after Over The Edge 98, Dude Love was fired for incompetence by Vince McMahon. So, given that Dude was banned and Cactus Jack had no interest in resurfacing, Mankind was able to take control once again, and on the June 1st edition of Raw, Mankind returned to help Kane defeat The Undertaker, impressing Vince enough to give him back his job.

Mankind once again joined up with Paul Bearer but more importantly with Kane, the duo forming an impressive, if unstable duo. But while they began to find their legs as a tag team (and quickly rose up the ranks to #1 Contenders), Taker had some unfinished business with Mankind.

Phase 7- “Good God almighty! Good God almighty! They’ve killed him! As God as my witness, he is broken in half!”

The result was King Of The Ring 98, and arguably the second most famous match in Professional Wrestling history. Certainly the second most famous moment in WWE history. Hogan Slamming Andre.

And then Mankind getting thrown off the cell.

Mankind proved something that night. He proved that he could take an INSANE amount of pain and survive. He proved that he could still hang with The Undertaker. And he proved that he was a sick son of a bitch.

Of course, the night was still all right despite losing to Taker, as he helped Kane win the World Title, although it was mostly The Undertaker, who by this time was secretly working with Kane while in reality actually getting back with Paul Bearer, with poor Mankind stuck in the middle.

Phase 7b- Before the storm.

Of course, Mankind was oblivious to all this, through clouded judgement and pain. He was just happy when he and Kane won the tag titles, upset when they lost them to Austin and Taker at Fully Loaded, happy again when they regained them (in a history making match on Raw that saw every title holder at the time involved in the match, The Tag Champs [World Champ Austin & Taker at the start, Kane and Mankind at the end] defend against 3 teams, Kane and Mankind, the New Age Outlaws and The Rock and D’Lo Brown, who had with them the IC and European titles, D’Lo subbing for an injured Owen Hart), and when Kane and Taker joined forces again ‘officially’, at first he was cool with it. Then when Kane attacked him, he was less happy.

And that’s when Vince once again reared his head.

Phase 8- The son he never wanted.

For at Summerslam, Vince convinced Mankind to go out and defend his tag belts by himself against The New Age Outlaws in a Falls Count Anywhere match. Mankind was the destroyed, pinned to lose the belts, then tossed into a dumpster where Kane popped up and attacked him a bit more.

Mankind, who had begun wearing a shirt and tie, mocking Dude Love’s business like suits as he became Vince’s bitch, now himself began to suck up to Vince, as he tried to prove himself. His win/loss record began to suffer, as he competed for the IC gtitle and lost against The Rock and Shamrock on PPV, but he was more concerned with trying to get into Vince’s good books, as he became the thing he at first rebelled against, trying anything he could to stick around, trying to solidify himself, and that led to Mankind’s defining non-painful moment.

We interrupt this Schematic to bring you an important message from ‘The Society Of People Who Want To Do Things To Rebecca Knox.’