The Way I C It 01.28.08: Joshi’s Island

It’s been a crappy week. Snow, snow, some more snow and a migraine. To top it all off, the one day I call in sick in forever, and it turns out that our systems were down all day andI would have been paid for doing nothing all day without using sick time. Unpleasant. So, everybody ready? HAJIME!

The Way I C The E – Rumble Edition

As I write, the Royal Rumble is literally minutes away. The great build to Orton-Hardy and JBL-Jericho has me interested, but after CM Punk dropped the ECW belt this week and then gained entry to the Rumble, several 411 writers are wondering aloud if he can win the Rumble match and go to Mania. This would sound great to me, but Edge-Taker is the popular choice for the blue brand at Mania. Of course, it was last year too. Punk may well have a strong showing and get the NWO shot, which would mean Rey is a one-and-done loser. I think it’s far more likely that they hold over this angle until after Mania, giving them something to push for SummerSlam.

Flair is not losing. He either wins with a cheap shot, a Hardy run in, or by MVP running away. Orton and Edge will retain. Jericho and JBL….flip a coin.

The Way U C Me

Wow, you guys really no-sold the FIP idea. For example:

FIP is pretty much recognised as being the minor leagues for ROH. The FIP title has been defended in ROH since its inception and in turn is far more likely to change on a ROH card. I normally appreciate the column, but this week you are reporting on a nothing story. Its almost on a par with reporting ‘SHOCK – SHIMMER working with ROH.’

Posted By: Skintymcedger (Guest) on January 21, 2008 at 04:53 PM

I wasn’t reporting it as news, I was wondering about it. I still am. I can only recall one other FIP title change on an ROH event, when Homicide dropped the strap to Danielson due to injury. Also, when FIP talent has appeared on ROH shows in the past, they have been enhancement talent. Now they’re getting wins. Now granted, one of the angles to this that I didn’t consider is that FIP are not running shows right now, and this was the only way to get their talent some work. But then why put the YRR over 2 established ROH names and an Indy legend? I’m not saying it’s a definite future plan, but don’t rule it out…

Just one more for the tag moves… Villano Breaker! I kid, I kid…

Posted By: Rick (Guest) on January 21, 2008 at 08:22 PM

Okay then…

The FIP/ROH feud, if it happens couldn’t possibly have as much punch as the CZW war did. For a few reasons. 1) Philly fans. I was at the 100th Show. It was unbelievable the crowd there. 2) Legit beef between the companies and the fans that added fuel to the fire. and 3) The CZW guys were bigger names. Super Dragon, Chris Hero, Necro, Claudio, they were all internet favorites before the war. Hero’s popularity and ability may have been one of the things that made the whole war. Erick Stevens just isn’t close to that level and Sal Rinauro? Give me a break. Just don’t see it being even close.

Posted By: Jeremy (Guest) on January 21, 2008 at 09:40 PM

Without a doubt, if the invasion did happen it would have a long way to go to beat the CZW one. The legit beef could be improvised with the FIP guys complaining they are having their best talents raped away by ROH. The fans…well they are running Orlando in March don’t forget. As for names…Stevens and Strong would have to lead the charge. Eddie Kingston is an internet darling. You’d need one or two guys…Seth Delay? Chasyn Rance? Kenny King? All good workers with a little name value. If FIP would only sign Teddy Hart…

Khali definitely looks a little more mobile there than usual. Also, I wonder how Silva managed to avoid a monster run in WWE?

Posted By: -E- (Guest) on January 21, 2008 at 10:17 PM

Not sure how he avoided it. Possibly being booked as a breakdancing freak show member made it kind of hard to transition him to a beast who inevitably would have jobbed to Taker. In the case of Khali, though, someone told me there’s a clip of him nailing a decent-looking drop kick somewhere. Now that I’d love to see.

The Way I C It Special Edition – Lansdell and Byers do Joshi!

Yes, this is a shameless attempt to do what Slimmer and Small did.

Match 1: Manami Toyota vs. Toshiyo Yamada 8/15/92 (Hair vs. Hair)
Part 1 –

Lansdellicious: We are live via EXTREME delay for this hair vs hair match between Manami Toyota and Toshiyo Yamada!
Ryan: Sixteen year delay, in fact.
Lansdellicious: I’m wondering why the Great Kabuki is coming to the ring
Ryan: I personally think Yamada looks more like Cobra Commander, but that works too.
Lansdellicious: While we wait for the ring intros, I’m Lansdellicious, and this is the Wrestling….DEMIGOD
Ryan: Ryan Byers!
Lansdellicious: Oh shit, I thought you were Slimmer.
Ryan: I have been working out lately. Thanks for noticing.
Lansdellicious: That was Bayani noticing.
Ryan: Oh, that wacky Filipino.
Lansdellicious: I see that chick has been shopping at Chris Jericho’s store
Ryan: Odd fashion choices aside, that’s one of the greatest female wrestlers in history.
Ryan: If not the greatest.
Lansdellicious: Well Mr Byers, which is which here?
Ryan: That’s Toyota in the black gear and Yamada in the purple.
Lansdellicious: They appear to dislike each other, as Yamada goes for the arm and hits a snap DDT.
Ryan: These two would get to know each other well, as they were tag team partners later in their careers.
Lansdellicious: Toyota with the slam, HOGAN LEG DROP!
Ryan: Little less weight behind it than Hogan’s, but effective nonetheless.
Lansdellicious: Drop kick-uh and Toyota is in control with the underhook suplex for 2…what’s the story behind the hair stip, Mr Byers?
Lansdellicious: NORTHERN LIGHTS gets a 2
Ryan: The two had been feuding for many months and came out of the same class in the All Japan Women’s dojo years earlier. It was the ultimate stipulation to end their rivalry.
Lansdellicious: Hair matches are always emotional affairs, especially women’s ones. Add in the former partners thing and it’s no wonder they’re trying to kill each other.WHAT THE HELL was that? I guess a Straight Jacket northern lights, it gets another 2 and Toyota is up top…..moonsault press gets 2.
Lansdellicious: Straight jacket German gets 2…why is there no Japanese suplex?
Ryan: The Japanese had their suplexes taken away when they were occupied by the US after WW II.
Ryan: You know, like their military.
Lansdellicious: Ooooh political barbs! Yamada in control as she ducks a clothesline, hits a German of her own…now they are rolling around like silly people.
Ryan: KIWI ROLL~! KIWI ROLL~!
Ryan: I love that spot.
Lansdellicious: it has definite HLA overtones
Ryan: The first person I saw do it was Terry Funk, so those overtones are not present in my mind.
Lansdellicious: There goes my happy place…DRAGON SUPLEX for the two and 7 eighths. I am such a mark for that move
Lansdellicious: whip…side slam reversed into a bridging tiger suplex for 2
Lansdellicious: that was the most action-packed 8 minutes i can recall in a ring
Ryan: You’ve got to admire the strength in these women’s necks.
Ryan: What with all the bridging.
Lansdellicious: and being dropped on them
Lansdellicious: Tell us how that feels Ryan…a woman’s neck that is
Ryan: Hopefully smooth, like freshly poured milk.
Ryan: Wow, that was the worst metaphor ever.
Lansdellicious: well I figured since you know what a party is, you might be able to enlighten the basement-dwelling IWC. But yes, that was a terrible metaphor.
Ryan: “Party” is actually my code word for reviewing the UWF.
Lansdellicious: Anything is better than reviewing Impact. Except Heat. On to part 2!

Part 2 –

Ryan: Prawn hold! Prawn hold! By god she prawn held her straight to hell!
Lansdellicious: Drop kick-uh off the top to the outside! As God is my witness, she’s broken in half!
Ryan: How do you learn to fall off a twenty foot ladder?
Lansdellicious: Classes?
Ryan: Bingo.
Lansdellicious: ASAI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ryan: Named for the legendary Ultimo Dragon, real name Yoshiro Asai.
Lansdellicious: Another German…NEGATIVE WORKRATE.
Ryan: It’s not workrate, it’s FIGHTING SPIRIT~!
Lansdellicious: what in the name of Toyota is she doing with her arms on these Germans?
Ryan: You mean crossing the arms?
Lansdellicious: slam and a moonsault gets another 2, Yamada gets a spinkick and Backdrop driver and both ladies are down
Lansdellicious: yeah, crossing the arms in weird angles…I’ve seen straight jackets suplexes but these are a step beyond
Ryan: It’s her own little touch on the same basic concept.
Lansdellicious: that’s 4 back suplexes now and…now 5…6…shades of Benoit on Austin, not that we’ll ever hear that reference.
Ryan: Shades of breaking somebody’s freakin’ neck.
Lansdellicious: Reversal of another prawn hold!
Ryan: I almost believed that was the finish!
Ryan: Or I would have if I hadn’t seen this match before!
Lansdellicious: Come on man, we have 3 minutes left!
Ryan: You’re not supposed to know that!
Lansdellicious: Doh! I have discovered the hidden flaw of watching joshi on YouTube!
Ryan: Kayfabe!
Ryan: OCEAN CYCLONE ATTEMPTED!
Lansdellicious: If she hits it, I AM going to mark
Lansdellicious: Now THAT is neck strength
Ryan: Get ready to mark.
Ryan: And now Yamada is getting ready to look like Howard Finkel.
Lansdellicious: Wow. That vertebreaker/Cyclone reversal spot was great.
Lansdellicious: OCEAN CYCLONE!!!!!!!!!
Lansdellicious: Excuse me, I made a mess. I am such a mark for that move.
Ryan: Hopefully you’re wearing the same kind of tarp that was put over Ms. Yamada for her head shaving.
Lansdellicious: Toyota is your winner ladies and gentlemen, and I am trying REALLY hard not to make a joke about superior engineering.
Ryan: Oh, just go ahead and do it.
Lansdellicious: I think we just did.
Ryan: I’ll watch this Talia Madison promo in the related videos section while you do.
Lansdellicious: Oh my GOD it’s Morry Horry! Yamada is Morry Horry!
Ryan: I never realized that Talia had a lisp.
Lansdellicious: I never realised she spoke
Lansdellicious: as if Gregory Helms wasn’t lucky enough already…
Lansdellicious: Can we get her to reveal something else on June 24th?
Ryan: The terms of her mortgage? I’m sure she’d be glad to reveal those.
Ryan: I hear she’s proud of getting a very good deal.
Ryan: Low interest rate.
Lansdellicious: I hope she avoids the subprime crash
Ryan: Talia Madison has a superior credit score.
Lansdellicious: Wasn’t that a Matt Fact?
Ryan: Matt Hardy, Shane Helms . . . all of the OMEGA alums blur together after a while.
Lansdellicious: Well that was pulse-pounding…shall we continue?
Ryan: Yes, let’s.

Match 2: Akira Hokuto vs. Kyoko Inoue 11/26/92
Part 1 –

Lansdellicious: Hokuto vs Inoue…what’s the story here?
Ryan: This is from one of the biggest shows ever out of All Japan Women’s pro wrestling.
Ryan: DREAM RUSH.
Ryan: Hell of a name.
Ryan: And it’s for the All-Pacific Title, which wasn’t nearly as prestigious as the promotion’s main WWWA Title, but you won’t know it from watching this match.
Lansdellicious: Those crazy Japanese are good at naming stuff
Lansdellicious: Super Space Flying Tiger Drops and so on
Lansdellicious: so Akira is the blonde?
Ryan: Akira is the blonde, and Kyoko is in the face paint.
Lansdellicious: I’m blonde right now….
Ryan: So you’re rooting for Hokuto, then?
Ryan: Get it?
Lansdellicious: Huh huh he said root
Ryan: ROOT?
Ryan: Hair puns are so totally awesome.
Lansdellicious: Will you STOP (copyright G Monsoon)
Lansdellicious: Which Rocker did Inoue steal her outfit from?
Ryan: Marty Jannetty. I’ll leave the reader to figure out what he spent the proceeds of the sale on.
Lansdellicious: You totally stole my joke.
Ryan: It was a softball.
Lansdellicious: So the first move of the match is a high-angle back suplex right on the external occipital protuberance? I’m going to enjoy this
Ryan: Can’t go wrong with high impact action like that.
Lansdellicious: GIANT SWING!
Ryan: A move that doesn’t get used nearly enough in the modern wrestling landscape.
Lansdellicious: She’s…um…still going
Ryan: That’s the trademark endurance of Japanese wrestlers for you.
Lansdellicious: Even I’m dizzy after that. She held that for a good 45 seconds.
Ryan: Their training in the dojos consists of giant swings that last literally hundreds of revolutions.
Lansdellicious: They had to move that training from China because they were afraid of revolutions
Ryan: And the revolutions will be televised.
Lansdellicious: They will not fail.
Lansdellicious: part 2?
Ryan: Part 2

Part 2 –

Lansdellicious: Black Reign’s mistress Hokuto appears to be out of it
Ryan: This is probably a good time to remind American fans that they may remember Hokuto from her time as the one and only WCW Women’s Champion.
Lansdellicious: Wasn’t that Madusa?
Lansdellicious: Rack Bomb by Inoue
Ryan: Nope. Hokuto feuded with Madusa over the belt, and Madusa never managed to beat her.
Lansdellicious: Hiroshima Crab by Inoue now. So Madusa had 2 feuds with 2 Japanese women and lost them both?
Lansdellicious: into a single leg
Ryan: You can tell it’s a Hiroshima crab because irradiation has left it with three extra legs.
Ryan: Too soon?
Lansdellicious: I think 63 years should be enough.
Ryan: Good, good.
Lansdellicious: some innovative mat work going on here into the billy goat’s purse
Ryan: Oh, the pendulum!
Ryan: I’m always a mark for that one, though Inoue loses points for not using the hold to ram Akira’s head in to the turnbuckles.
Lansdellicious: Surfboard now, I can’t see this move without hearing Danielson going “Whoaaaaaaaaaaa”
Ryan: The “surfboard” name certainly matches up with Kyoko’s attire.
Lansdellicious: I prefer the dragon sleeper variant
Lansdellicious: Camel clutch. She’s trying to make her hum bell, or something.
Ryan: Shades of the great Iron Sheik.
Lansdellicious: I think B Brian Blair would argue with the great part.
Lansdellicious: OUCH!
Ryan: NICE double underhook piledriver.
Lansdellicious: Sunset flip gets 2, and now Hokuto with a camel clutch of her own…that was a sickeningly quick double underhook man
Ryan: She did take her over in the blink of an eye, showing very little regard for Inoue’s safety.
Lansdellicious: Another one, sans underhook
Lansdellicious: SHARPSHOOTER! SHARPSHOOTER!
Ryan: Fortunately Vince McMahon is not at ringside for this match.
Lansdellicious: is Inoue juicing or is that the face paint running?
Ryan: The video quality isn’t the greatest, but I’m pretty sure that’s the paint.
Lansdellicious: Shades of Stone Cold at Mania 13
Ryan: If Stone Cold had his face done up like the Ultimate Warrior, that is.
Lansdellicious: Great whip reversal by Inoue into a kick off the ropes, springboard-style
Ryan: That’s the old bow and arrow by Inoue . . . we’re seeing a much slower pace of wrestling in this match than in our previous bout, but you can rest assured that’s about to change.
Lansdellicious: Slow isn’t necessarily bad. Single leg crab…I miss Lance Storm
Ryan: Check his website. He didn’t go anywhere.
Lansdellicious: He’s not on my TV
Lansdellicious: I want to see the roll through single leg in HD dammit
Ryan: Would you settle for a non-roll-through crab on YouTube in less than standard D?
Ryan: Because that’s what you’ve got.
Lansdellicious: I guess.
Lansdellicious: Part 2 ends with some STRONG STYLE
Ryan: And it’s about to get a hell of a lot stronger.
Lansdellicious: damn. out of pretzels
Lansdellicious: part 3 it is then sir
Ryan: Yes

Part 3 –

Lansdellicious: That was a kick and a half by Hokuto
Lansdellicious: Good grief that’s stiff
Ryan: It’s certainly not something that I’d ever want to take.
Lansdellicious: Orton Special
Lansdellicious: Into a dragon sleeper
Ryan: Now we’re headed to the high rent district!
Lansdellicious: Or not, as Hokuto is slammed off…superplex attempt by Hokuto who settles instead for knocking Inoue out of the ring and NAILING a high crossbody to the outside!
Lansdellicious: Cue “Holy Shit” chants
Ryan: It’s moves like that which resulted in Hokuto retiring several years ago.
Lansdellicious: Interesting how many females are in the crowd too
Ryan: Yes, joshi at its peak always attracted a large number of teenage girls and young women.
Lansdellicious: Inoue attempts to come back in, is drop kicked off the apron, and Hokuto with the SOMERSAULT SENTON to the outside!
Lansdellicious: The ref is counting in English.
Lansdellicious: He’s a big phony.
Ryan: Hokuto was actually telling Inoue to “give up” in English in one of the earlier submission holds.
Lansdellicious: Up top now…
Lansdellicious: Undershot the missile drop kick but got 2 anyway…and she’s going back up…crossbody, but Inoue rolls through for 2!
Ryan: She nearly knocked the tie dye right off of Inoue’s back with that kick.
Lansdellicious: GERMAN! gets 2
Lansdellicious: They all must have steel rods in their spines
Ryan: They’re certainly very durable women.
Lansdellicious: THAT was nice, running up the ropes for a flying back elbow
Ryan: Almost a “whisper in the wind” without the flipping.
Lansdellicious: surely you mean a twist of fate?
Lansdellicious: Innovative powerbomb reversal
Ryan: You’ve got to love the unique moves that you’ll see in joshi . . . most of which get stolen by US indy wrestlers.
Lansdellicious: That’s why I’m doing this column…I love moves, in case you hadn’t noticed
Ryan: I had no clue.
Lansdellicious: Hey look, a German!
Ryan: And he doesn’t mean a David Hasselhoff fan, ladies and gentlemen.
Ryan: He means another suplex.
Lansdellicious: They should fight in lederhosen
Lansdellicious: Hokuto went for it all, folks, but high risk is just that, and she ate two knees to the bread basket
Ryan: Not a comfortable landing in the slightest.
Lansdellicious: Inoue is dead. She has to be, after that.
Ryan: Screw Carlito, THAT is a back cracker.
Lansdellicious: cracker? Shatterer, more like
Ryan: She just went for her big elbow again but landed right on Hokuto’s feet.
Lansdellicious: SNOW PLOW!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lansdellicious: and that would be it, then
Ryan: Northern Lights Bomb, if you want to get technical.
Lansdellicious: Not this argument again…
Lansdellicious: Well I can certainly see the appeal in this match, some very stiff spots at the end, but I liked the first one more.
Ryan: The first definitely had a more breakneck pace, but this is the match that may literally have resulted in somebody’s neck being broken.
Lansdellicious: I’m not convinced it didn’t.

Match 3: Bull Nakano vs. Alundra Blayze 11/20/94

Lansdellicious: Our next match contains at least one name that people in the US will know.
Ryan: That’s right, we’ve got Alundra Blayze, a.k.a. Madusa, defending her WWF Women’s Title against Bull Nakano.
Lansdellicious: And Bull Nakano’s hair.
Ryan: The Japanese hairspray industry floundered once this woman retired.
Lansdellicious: Nakano vs Carlito
Lansdellicious: Hair vs hair
Lansdellicious: book it
Ryan: I’ll get right on that.
Lansdellicious: Un-Dream match column here we come!
Ryan: Given that I got death threats off of my last attempt doing that gimmick, I’ll leave it to you.
Lansdellicious: So did they introduce her as Nakanooooooooooo Bull?
Ryan: It’s been a while since I’ve seen a version of this match that included the entrances, but I’ll say yes if it makes you happy.
Lansdellicious: She’s rather robust, isn’t she?
Ryan: She’s a whole lot of woman.
Ryan: And, after her career in wrestling ended, she became a pro golfer.
Lansdellicious: There’s a joke there somewhere, but I’m not the one to make it. The ref tells her to watch the hair, then hides in case she takes it wrong.
Lansdellicious: That’s an interesting leg lock
Ryan: That’s putting pressure on seven points of the lower anatomy, Chris.
Lansdellicious: Bow and arrow now….only 7?
Lansdellicious: Blayze’s outfit looks like a 5-year old and a box of crayola made it
Ryan: If Bull keeps hitting her as hard as she has been, Blayze may be thinking like a five year old after the match.
Lansdellicious: nice spot in the corner leads to Nakano’s thick neck getting snapped….but she hits a piledriver anyway
Lansdellicious: how ironic that only a handful of men are allowed to hit that move in WWE now
Ryan: That’s why Japanese women are hardcore.
Ryan: They just don’t give a fuck.
Ryan: Neck injuries be damned, they’re doing what they want, when they want.
Lansdellicious: Nakano seems to be trying to punch THROUGH Alundra
Ryan: Bull’s on her home turf in this match, so she doesn’t want to look bad.
Lansdellicious: She looks dangerous. If she tries a head butt, she may puncture Alundra’s lung.
Ryan: This match is coming to us from the Tokyo Dome, the venue that American fans recently saw in TNA’s Global Impact special.
Lansdellicious: With the awesome Angle-Nagata match
Ryan: Angle-Nagata this is not, as Blayze brings the GLOW-esque hair takedowns.
Lansdellicious: Heck of a bridge by Blayze who is a HOUSE! EN! FUEGO~!
Lansdellicious: but the comeback ends with an Alabama Slam and a…umm…what are we calling that?
Ryan: Painful.
Lansdellicious: That works.
Lansdellicious: bulldog from the top gets 2 by Nakano.
Ryan: This is really a one-sided affair.
Lansdellicious: Orton-style rope-assisted DDT
Lansdellicious: Was Nakano the champ at this point?
Ryan: No, Alundra is the champion as this match is going on.
Lansdellicious: Curtain Call gets 2, as Nakano has already busted out more moves than Khali and Mark Henry know
Lansdellicious: NICE German by Alundra off the missed top rope legdrop…not so nice springboard back kick though
Ryan: That German was Alundra’s finisher in the WWF, I believe called the Backdraft.
Lansdellicious: Ah yes, playing off her space shuttle pilot gimmick. I wish I was kidding. OW! That was nice, as Nakano took her up for a Alabama Slam, but dropped backwards, making Blayze land face first.
Lansdellicious: Face crusher indeed.
Lansdellicious: Bull to the top…BAH GAWD SHE KILLED HER! LEG DROP!
Ryan: And we have a NEW WWF Women’s Champion. Or we did fourteen years ago.
Lansdellicious: That was insane
Ryan: The finish looked great and we had a good move or two, but this was basically an extended squash for Bull.
Ryan: Poor Alundra didn’t stand a chance.
Lansdellicious: The squash came right at the end
Ryan: Believe it or not, Nakano also had a Harlem Hangover-esque flipping top rope legdrop in her arsenal.
Ryan: I don’t know why we didn’t see that one tonight.
Lansdellicious: Trying to conserve my heart rate no doubt. And Alundra’s neck.
Ryan: You’ll certainly need it as we head in to Mariko Yoshido against Cheerleader Melissa!
Lansdellicious: Wow, do we REALLY get to watch Melissa?!
Ryan: We really do.

Match 4: Mariko Yoshido vs. Cheerleader Melissa 8/25/02

Part 1 –

Lansdellicious: Is this event called Video Calibration?
Ryan: The matches we’ve watched previous to this have all come from joshi’s peak in the early 90’s, but we’re now flashing ahead to 2002.
Lansdellicious: that female commentator…I think I have her phone number. 1-900…
Lansdellicious: A touch tentative to start
Ryan: It’s what we call a feeling out process, Chris.
Lansdellicious: I’d like to request a feeling-out process from Melissa please.
Ryan: She would curb stomp you so hard for that one.
Lansdellicious: It would be worth it She’s so much hotter without the burkha.
Ryan: In addition to the different time frame, we’re also working with a different promotion in this match.
Ryan: The three previous bouts have all come from All Japan Women, and no we’ve got action from ARSION.
Lansdellicious: I’ve heard good things about them.
Lansdellicious: Head scissors, another underused move these days.
Lansdellicious: and a guillotine choke
Ryan: Never, ever let her take that choke.
Ryan: Because you don’t know what she’s going to do with you when you’re out.
Lansdellicious: I don’t think I’d mind…
Ryan: Right.
Lansdellicious: is that….yes! A Tequila Sunrise!
Ryan: Sunrise, sunset, swiftly go the days.
Ryan: Seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers . . .
Lansdellicious: You worry me.
Ryan: Sorry, I’m on a Fiddler kick.
Lansdellicious: Yoshida is stretching Melissa like Stu Hart stretched Helen.
Ryan: We’ve had a couple of decent counters by Melissa, but she’s yet to mount any significant offence.
Ryan: And, yes, I said “mount.” Don’t go there.
Lansdellicious: I just want her to put that head scissors on me
Lansdellicious: Butterfly lock now by Yoshida
Lansdellicious: DDT, into a kimura! Angle taps! Oops, wrong match.
Ryan: As we’re continuing through the mat wrestling, it’s interesting to note that this ARSION tour also featured Taylor Matheny from the first season of WWF Tough Enough.
Lansdellicious: just goes to show that the WWE have no clue how to choose talent
Lansdellicious: you have to be good to go to Japan
Ryan: Or you have to have American television exposure, whichever.
Ryan: I mean Orlando Jordan has toured with New Japan, and I’m not ready to present him with any awards for his ring work.
Lansdellicious: he’s better than the Miz
Ryan: Sad but true.
Lansdellicious: FIGHTING SPIRIT!
Ryan: Big elbow battle there to finish off the first portion of the match.
Lansdellicious: and a huge Japanese Legitimate Businessman’s Kick.

Part 2 –

Ryan: Don’t mock them too loudly, they may be at ringside.
Lansdellicious: double underhook facebuster gets 2
Ryan: Shades of Stevie Ray’s Slap Jack.
Ryan: Except Yoshida is ten times the wrestler of Stevie Ray.
Lansdellicious: Yoshida is ten times the wrestler of most American men. Move number 103 – arm-BAR
Ryan: Melissa makes the ropes.
Lansdellicious: Story of this match so far: Yoshida stretches Melissa, who manages to find a way out with some good counter wrestling, but can’t maintain the offence.
Lansdellicious: Kick blocked by Melissa, who clotheslines Yoshida and sells her arm beautifully
Lansdellicious: I can’t believe you no-sold a reference to Jericho’s best promo ever
Ryan: Eh, I just got done reading his book, so I’m a bit Jericho-ed out.
Lansdellicious: One of my favourite holds by Melissa, the leg nelson, into a rollup for two
Lansdellicious: I just started that book. Pretty engrossing.
Ryan: I like to refer to that one as the Full Nelson Mandela.
Lansdellicious: you go ahead. I’ll laugh.
Ryan: I stole it from the PWG announce team.
Lansdellicious: Mic check/Flatliner/Downward Spiral gets 2
Lansdellicious: then Yoshida makes Melissa eat her teeth…..MARK OUT FOR THE EMERALD FLOWSION!!!!
Ryan: That’s the Air Raid Crash, which Melissa currently uses in the United States.
Lansdellicious: Air raid crash, emerald flowsion, who’s counting
Ryan: The ref.
Lansdellicious: ROCK BOTTOM! Gets 2
Ryan: Rings of Saturn applied by Yoshida!
Lansdellicious: I miss Perry Saturn too
Lansdellicious: I love this move
Lansdellicious: Yoshida adds that special something with a crossface
Ryan: There’s no truth to the rumor that Saturn used this one in the attempted rape that he broke up.
Lansdellicious: I don’t think I want to know about that. Pretzel hold. It’s probably got a real name, but I’m calling it the Pretzel Hold because I can.
Ryan: And that gets the easy submission.
Lansdellicious: yeah, I’d say she gave up…I couldn’t even tell where her head was
Ryan: She probably couldn’t either.
Lansdellicious: so Yoshida is like a Ken Shamrock in Japan?
Ryan: Not quite. I don’t recall her ever having a shoot fight.
Lansdellicious: I meant in terms of making you tap
Ryan: She’s certainly capable of it.

Ayoko Hamada vs. Aja Kong 7/22/07

Part 1 –

Lansdellicious: one more match then
Ryan: Indeed.
Ryan: The most recent of the lot, as this comes to us from 2007.
Lansdellicious: Some back story to this one?
Ryan: The joshi scene is on life support these days, but there are a few small groups occasionally promoting shows.
Ryan: This comes from Sendai, one of those groups.
Lansdellicious: I’m just hoping for a Uraken
Ryan: It pits all-time legend from joshi’s glory days, Aja Kong, against second generation star Ayako Hamada.
Lansdellicious: THERE’S ONE!
Lansdellicious: Hamada’s mother/father is who?
Ryan: Ayako is the daughter of lucharesu star El Gran Hamada. Her sister Xochitl is also a wrestler.
Lansdellicious: Lucharesu….I smell another column! Wait…Xochitl? 19 points with no doubles or triples!
Lansdellicious: Aja Kong-uh looks like D’Lo Brown
Ryan: She’s actually the daughter of a Japanese woman and an African American serviceman who was stationed in the Land of the Rising Sun.
Lansdellicious: which explains a lot
Ryan: Sadly she’s not using the great entrance music that she had throughout the 1990’s.
Ryan: Which explained that “God made the devil just for fun . . . but when he wanted the real thing he made AJA KOOOOOONG!”
Lansdellicious: TRASHCAN SHOTS!
Ryan: I guess that’s what you call garbage wrestling, eh?
Lansdellicious: she’s hardcore! she’s hardcore!
Lansdellicious: God Byers, that was terrible.
Ryan: I try.
Lansdellicious: I’m proud of you!
Ryan: We should probably note that, in modern joshi, the DQ rules are a bit lax.
Lansdellicious: BAH GAWD SHE’S BUSTED WIDE OPEN!
Ryan: Very early blood from Hamada.
Lansdellicious: looks like it was hardway too
Ryan: She’s great when it comes to putting on the crimson mask . . . and I doubt this match will be any different.
Lansdellicious: You sick fuck! She’s biting it!
Ryan: That’s Aja Kong, but the attraction to blood reminds me more of Shark Tsuchiya!
Ryan: Obscure joshi pun!
Lansdellicious: Right now Kong is reminding me of the Nasty Boys
Lansdellicious: I demand a Pit Stop
Ryan: I wouldn’t be demanding anything from that woman if I were you.
Lansdellicious: You’re probably right. I see Kong went to the Sid school of Selling
Ryan: She’s actually rather good at it when she needs to be, but now is not the time.
Lansdellicious: what’s she gonna do with all that junk?
Ryan: The garbage cans? They’re not in the ring any more.
Lansdellicious: that junk inside her trunk
Ryan: I’m not following you.
Lansdellicious: She has a large ass.
Ryan: What does that have to do with the storage space in her car?
Lansdellicious: It takes up most of it
Ryan: I see.
Lansdellicious: I hate you.
Lansdellicious: X-Pac pose by Kong gets the X-Pac Heat!
Lansdellicious: meanwhile, back in the ring, Hamada is slapping shit out of Kong, but runs into a clothesline
Ryan: Things aren’t looking good for the plucky youngster.
Lansdellicious: Piledriver on the ramp!
Ryan: Fortunately for Ayako she’s not in Memphis or Mexico.
Ryan: If she were, she’d be dead.
Lansdellicious: Unfortunately
Lansdellicious: I think she’d appreciate a bell right now
Lansdellicious: she’s not going to springboard, is she?
Ryan: Not quite.

Part 2 –

Lansdellicious: GORE! GORE! GORE!
Ryan: Huge dive from the ramp in to the ring!
Lansdellicious: absolutely ridiculous
Ryan: Ridiculously AWESOME.
Lansdellicious: 3 point stance and all
Lansdellicious: Missile dropkick! Shades of Morishima!
Ryan: Please. Kong was Morishima when Morishima weighed a buck fifty.
Lansdellicious: when he was 4 then
Ryan: Bingo.
Lansdellicious: Tornado DDT and Hamada finally looks like she can get something done
Ryan: Guess again.
Lansdellicious: Hamada goes for a power bomb. No honey, you are not going to elevate that caboose.
Lansdellicious: ENZIGUIRI!
Ryan: The dreaded back brain kick!
Ryan: Ask Shawn Michaels about how deadly that one can be.
Lansdellicious: Oops. Hamada goes for the moonsault and lands on a boot.
Lansdellicious: BACKDROP DRIVER!
Lansdellicious: Aja Kong actually IS Morishima, after the operation
Lansdellicious: Brainbuster to the trash can!
Ryan: Aja as ROH Champion would definitely get me to buy more of their DVDs.
Lansdellicious: and the ref refuses to count!
Lansdellicious: No way….no way…Kong is climbing the ropes!
Lansdellicious: Elbow from the top by Kong!
Lansdellicious: Uraken ducked! but Kong just bitch slaps her anyway for 2
Ryan: Those hands are deadly.
Ryan: Ronnie Garvin’s hands of stone ain’t got nothing on Kong.
Lansdellicious: Good Lord that’s a huge power bomb out of the corner by Hamada
Ryan: Ayako Hamada may not be human.
Lansdellicious: Educated feet!
Ryan: The left went to Harvard, and the right went to Yale!
Lansdellicious: Holy fuck, Pimp Hand Slap!
Lansdellicious: off come the kid gloves
Ryan: There’s no messing around from here on out.
Ryan: Hamada is starting to work over Aja’s pimp hand.
Lansdellicious: uraken blocked, RANA gets 2
Lansdellicious: lariatooooooooooo
Ryan: IT. DOES. NOTHING.
Lansdellicious: what a match!
Ryan: And here you were making fun of Kong’s selling.
Lansdellicious: Wow she tagged her with that one
Lansdellicious: and then Kong tagged her…this has become a slap fest
Ryan: They’re paintbrushing each other in there to be sure.
Lansdellicious: No way you get her up. Not going to happen Hamada.
Ryan: . . . or is it?
Lansdellicious: DAMN!
Lansdellicious: 3!!!!!
Ryan: Three count off of the Michinoku Driver variant!
Lansdellicious: fisherman driver
Lansdellicious: and i am speechless
Ryan: That was a hell of a comeback by Hamada to be sure.
Lansdellicious: the slap she hit right before it was stiffer than a Holly forearm
Ryan: Which just goes to show that you never mess around with a Japanese woman . . . you never know when she may be in to joshi.
Lansdellicious: I’ve seen stiff wrestling, technical wonders, fighting spirit~! and strong style
Lansdellicious: but that was something altogether different, like a mix of them all
Ryan: Indeed. Kong by this point was an absolute legend who had seen and done it all, and Hamada was no slouch either in the experience department.
Lansdellicious: Well this has been a whirlwind ride through joshi puro. Is SHIMMER even close to this in terms of quality, neck-killing and stiffness?
Ryan: Don’t get me wrong, SHIMMER is an excellent product in its own right, but it’s not joshi.
Ryan: It’s more American style wrestling with a light joshi influence than it is actual joshi.
Lansdellicious: so why is Joshi losing viewers in Japan, do you think?
Ryan: It’s really a situation in which the entire Japanese wrestling market took a nosedive in the 90’s.
Ryan: Which a lot of people blame on the rise in popularity of MMA. Joshi had less of a foothold than the men’s pro wrestling game, so it was hit the hardest.
Lansdellicious: which, judging by UFC 80, might be on the decline too
Ryan: I follow MMA about as closely as I follow Jane Austen novels, so that one went over my head.
Lansdellicious: UFC 80 sucked…like Lockdown 07 sucked
Ryan: That’s unfortunate.
Lansdellicious: and I know how much you like TNA
Ryan: Well, TNA does have Cheerleader Melissa now, so things are bound to pick up.
Lansdellicious: They picked up for me alright
Lansdellicious: So I bet my loyal readers are wondering where they can purchase some fine joshi DVDs
Ryan:I bet they are as well.
Lansdellicious: Google is their friend.
Ryan: I’d say check out IVP Videos and/or PuroresuDVDSource.com.
Ryan: Highspots has some stuff, but it’s mainly on VHS.
Lansdellicious: I don’t even own a working VCR now
Ryan: Neither do I. I’m going to have to replace it, though. I own too many Coliseum Videos not to.
Lansdellicious: Well Byers, thanks for introducing me and the readers to some joshi goodness. Any final suggestions/thoughts/plugs/random insults for other writers?
Ryan: I hope that everybody enjoyed what they saw through the glory of YouTube . . . and remember to support your local female independent wrestler, whoever she may be.
Lansdellicious: And of course check out the UWF reviews, the Custom Made News Report, and whatever else this fine man chooses to write
Ryan: The Impact Crater.
Lansdellicious: You really want to plug that?
Ryan: It’s shitty TV, but it’s a fun column.
Lansdellicious: you’re not getting enough hate mail?
Ryan: Believe it or not, for every person who rips in to me there are three that agree with everything I say.
Lansdellicious:I only wish I got that much feedback!
Ryan: One of these days, one of these days.

And that is game, set and match boys and girls! Hope you enjoyed this foray into joshi. Let me know if you want to see another one! Thanks to the always-awesome Mr Byers, without whom this column would have been very, very boring. I’m off to finish Jericho’s book, which I started 2 days ago and have had trouble putting down. Next week, all the Rumble fallout, thoughts on Jericho’s book, and probably more stuff about which I have not yet thought!