The Seventh Dimension 02.08.08: Educating Lashley

Greetings, readers. Welcome to the show. As always, it is your pleasure to plunge into my caverns of profundity known as the Seventh Dimension. Needless to say, my sphere of knowledge has been adequately rolled down the hill of circumstance once again this week.

This isn’t going to be laid out as well as usual, because quite frankly I’m tired and I don’t have a lot to say on anything other than the main topic. So, no politicians in wrestling piece as I said I might write (frankly, I doubt I will now – the upshot of what I would have written was going to be along the lines of “they can be quite good, if they are good”, so what’s the fucking point? Just filler). Instead, I want to look at the departure of Lashley from the WWE. While it’s been rumoured for the last couple of weeks that he was leaving, I thought I’d wait until it was confirmed before sharing my thoughts on the matter.

First of all, here’s what I think of Lashley’s talent and the impact of this news. Personally, I don’t recognise this “Good riddance, talentless bastard” bandwagon as anything more than an exaggerated shit-storm of misinformation. The guy had a lot of potential, and he still does. I’m not proclaiming him to be anything more than a competent cookie-cutter heavyweight, but it’s almost comical to see it taken so far in the opposite direction. It’s no surprise that a lot of the disdain comes from the anti-Cena brigade. Although I am, in absolutely no way, trying to place him in the same class as Cena or Orton. He’s had less experience though, to be fair.

That all being said, it’s very evident that young Robert could certainly do with a few pointers for the future, so that his ever-inflating ego doesn’t cost him dear. So, let me take you back to a couple of weeks ago when I was talking about possible films the WWE could make. One of my suggestions was in the form of an image, which caused minor uproar (and I mean minor) for reasons you’ll see for yourself. Anyway, it seems appropriate to use it again here, and as the title for this particular part of the column.

So, without any further delays, let’s begin our crash course…

As is often the case, I’ll split this into five. This time, they are represented as different classes. You usually only have about five a day at school anyway, so it seems right. Ah, five…where would I be without it? Well, in the Sixth Dimension, presumably. **cough** Anyway, there goes the bell. I’ll take the register.

Lashley?

Here, yo.

Super. Ok, that’s that done. Now onto the learning!

LESSON ONE: Physical Studies

Ok, we’ll start off with something easy for an example. If there are five men standing on a train platform, ranging in height from 5’5″ to 6’6″, and there are roughly four pounds of weight added for each extra inch they measure, which one is Vince McMahon the most likely to push?

Yes, Lashley?

Me like wrestling!

Yes, yes you do. Now look, I’m not of the opinion that Vince ONLY pushes those built like bomb shelters, or that you’re automatically assured the main event if you’re ‘roided up to the point of no return, but it’s clear that he prefers that sort of physique. Therefore, it was always likely that someone of Lashley’s figure would get a chance to make it. Lashley played his part for sure, by going out there and killing bitches, and he seemed likable enough. But, in the end, McMahon pulled his strings and pretty much FORCED him to get over with us. People say, erroneously, that Cena is being shoved down our throats. That analogy is much better suited to Lashley, as we were told immediately to care about him whereas Cena was only taken to the moon after we demanded it.

And why was this the case? Because he’s big. He’s jacked as shit and he’s pretty agile, except on a ladder. That’s the only explanation as to why he was considered worthy of even being brought up when he was, while others who have become bona-fide legends in OVW and even the independent scene before that are still stuck in developmental purgatory.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m aware that Lashley has a very good amateur background which he earned all by himself. But amateur wrestling and professional wrestling are worlds apart from each other. The long story short is that whoever decided the time was right for him to set the wrestling world alight was obviously blinded by the size of his muscles. But that’s not really Lashley’s fault, is it? He did the best he could, it’s just frustrating to think that someone else could have done better.

LESSON TWO: Biology

Right, fingers on buzzers. This is multiple choice. When a man and a woman who are both employed by the same company are dating each other, and the woman is fired for being continuously unprofessional, what should the man do?

A – Ditch the chick, as she is a bad influence and he wants to ‘make it’.
B – Generally shrug it off, but keep her sweet and continue to nail her AND remain employed.
C – Make his complaints known to management, but continue on his successful career path because money is good.
D – Flush the biggest opportunity of his life down the shitter, on the back of some very jaded values.

Well, Lashley?

Can I phone a friend?

No, Bobby, you don’t HAVE any friends after the way you’ve behaved lately (but we’ll be looking at that in more detail during period five, kids!), and you can’t ask the audience because you left them behind when you quit. If you need a 50/50 for this, I’ll eat my sandwich.

Having morals is fine, and highly respectable when enforced in the face of clear partiality. But the rumour pertaining to how big an influence Lashley’s relationship with Kristal Marshall had on his vocation in Stamford goes beyond principles, or even love, and borders on head-scratching stupidity.

You’ve got a girlfriend who, for all intents and purposes, is a pair of tits with a name. She’s a former Diva Search contestant, which you can automatically assume means she has no right being in the ring (Candice and Maria excluded, and maybe Hemme since she’s such a hot piece). And she didn’t even come that close to winning the thing. Yet she’s apparently deserving of more than she was afforded in her short WWE career, that huge angle involving Teddy Long. And to what assets does she credit being handed everything on a plate while the Womens’ Division flounders into unpaid obscurity? Not being even slightly over – as evident in many after-show videos in which she was featured talking to fans who looked embarrassed to even be associated with her – and wrestling with a futility that made Kelly Kelly look like Sara Del Ray in comparison? Fuck that. Kristal should never have been hired in the first place.

So what does Lashley do? He decides to forego his rapid ascent for the sake of this bimbo who apparently either lied through her teeth upon her own departure or, at the very least, embellished the truth so that she would seem like the consummate victim. Not only that, but it was rumoured before she was sacked that she may well be betrayed in the storylines by Vickie Guerrero (you’ll remember Theodore Long had that rather inconvenient kayfabe heart attack…boy, did that never go anywhere) and sent over to Raw, which is of course where Lashley was now residing. So, not only was Lashley being groomed as the next huge star on the screen, but he and his lady were being granted a privilege that few other couples within the company have had the good fortune of attaining – getting to travel together, or in this case continuing to.

Bobby can be praised for standing up for what he believed was right for his girlfriend. But, to give up his own job because she lost hers, especially seeing as she basically did nothing to deserve ever being placed on the company payroll, is very short-sighted indeed.

However, that wasn’t the only reason given…

LESSON THREE: Mathematics

Right, class. We’ll work with percentages for this one. You’re working the biggest show of the year, and you receive $250,000 for thirteen minutes of corporeal sacrifice, and another ten or so cutting your boss’s hair. On a proportional scale, how satisfied should you be with this? 100 being the most, 0 being the least.

Lashley, your hand was up first.

My dog has shaggy fur.

Wrong answer, fuckball. Er, I mean ‘darling child’. The correct answer should be audible slurping and sucking noises as you fellate your over-generous employer. Instead, you appear to have misunderstood the concept of remuneration.

What kind of deluded crayon-chewing chump would you have to be to feel discontented with a quarter of a million dollars for a night’s work? Hell, not even a night – a fraction of a four-hour telecast. I don’t care how big a star you are or how much gold you have around your waist. If you’re not a special attraction and you’re not going out of your way to improve the show, you have no right to complain when you earn in a single outing more than most of the roster gets as their SALARIES.

The most fun I have from the whole “Lashley was underpaid” ‘argument’ (if you can call it that) is when people declare that “the feud between Vince McMahon and Donald Trump earned the most publicity for Wrestlemania”. While that’s true, how much of that extra promotion do you think actually led to buys? How many non-wrestling fans were really that enticed by a ‘Billionaire vs. Billionaire’ feud that they would plunk down a substantial amount of money to watch a night’s worth of unrelated material? I would imagine the amount was anywhere between ‘jack shit’ and ‘bugger all’. The overwhelming majority of those who watched Wrestlemania were the fans. And they would have bought the show regardless. Besides, Lashley was not the DRAW of the match. The draw was that Donald Trump and Vince McMahon were rivals. Lashley and Umaga were just pawns, a way of justifying the time spent on the show since obviously Vince wasn’t going to wrestle Trump.

If I was Lashley, having received $250,000 for the honour of getting a clean pinfall victory on the Grandest Stage of them All, I would suggest that they’d paid me too MUCH. I’d almost wonder if a mistake had been made and I should give some of it back. In fact, I’d probably offer to job to everyone under the sun in order to repay my ‘debt’ to the industry. What I certainly wouldn’t do is piss and moan about how the ECW non-World Champion can only afford one new extension on his house.

I just hope Umaga was paid as much for his equal amount of work.

LESSON FOUR: Performing Arts

Ooh, boy. My favourite! Right, I need a volunteer from the class. Lashley, how about you? Ok, stand up here and talk about how much rage is inside your heart.

My heart. My heart is raging. Raging with the rage that…rages in my heart.

Speak up a bit, darling. I can’t hear you.

I’ma kill you without even shifting my eyebrows!

Hmm, no. Not really feeling it.

Lashley is one of the strangest promo guys I’ve ever had the (mis?)fortune of seeing with my naked eye. He looks like he ought to have such a menacing clarity about him, which many have pinned to the fact that he is black. I don’t necessarily think this is the case, as The Rock (ok, he’s Samoan but you know what I mean) has a shrill voice and that cocky charm. But Lashley has neither of those things. To me, Lashley seems more like the “gentle giant” character. Soft-spoken and reserved. Like a rubbish Batista, in that respect.

It’s not just the tone of his voice, though. He honestly doesn’t seem to believe anything he says on the stick, or even anything he DOES during his promos. Take, for instance, the time when Vince had him arrested and Lashley decided to take his frustrations out on security for the fun of it. Obviously Vince was trying to recreate the magic he conjured up with Steve Austin, but the difference was that I believed Steve could be that guy. Lashley just seemed like he was going through the motions, and not even fluently. Even his grin at the end was reminiscent of a nervous extra on some low-rent stage production.

You know what else perplexes the piss out of me? How come both Bobby Lashley, who is apparently one of the biggest man-divas and stroppy cunts currently working in the business, AND serial offender Adam ‘Pacman’ Jones, find it absolutely incapable of eliciting or exhibiting any emotional prominence in front of the crowds? Surely it would come naturally for them? That there is the very definition of shit theatre.

Acting is not easy, not in the slightest. I know this because I am an actor myself, and it grinds my shit when people chat candidly about thespian ability because I can’t understand what they’re blithering on about. Even I have trouble telling sometimes, and that’s with nearly a decade on-off stage experience, so I fail to see how members of the public can possibly know more than I do – and I was a Distinction grade student in drama! But anyway, that’s off the point. My point is that in order to provide a compelling character, you need to give everything you can to the performance. I’m not expecting a wrestling to challenge for an Oscar any time soon, because they are wrestlers first and foremost. But Lashley just seems completely out of his depth when it comes to promos and skits. It’s often unbearable to watch, yet I can’t turn away because it’s all so bizarre. He’s like Bradley from S Club 7 – you think he’ll be this bad boy gangster thug, and instead he’s like a slightly disgruntled kitten trying to get a fly out of his milk.

Man, kittens are great. I could spend many a column writing about how much I love kittens. But, alas, that’s not what I’m here for. We have one more lecture to attend, and it links nicely to what I’ve just been talking about (and, in fact, the rest of the article).

LESSON FIVE: Philosophy

Ok, kids. First of all, let’s have a quick revision of what we looked at in History. Can anybody tell me the name of the professional wrestler who was given too much too soon, packed it all in while on the verge of becoming an all-time great, and has since dithered in other fields such as Gridiron and MMA?

Lashley?

Brock Lesnar.

That’s right. And what did we learn from him?

That he’s awesome!

No, Lashley! That’s a bad Lashley! You obviously weren’t paying attention. Stand in the corner for the rest of the day.

Right, if Bobby will stop crying for a few minutes I’ll begin the tutorage. Brock was a young guy, a very talented wrestler with a great amateur background. He signed with the WWE in 2000, and was kept away from television for two years before getting his chance. Upon his debut, he quickly got over with the fans and, by the end of his two years there (yes, it was only two years – as long as he spent working his way up), Brock was a three-time WWE Champion, a King of the Ring Champion and the 2003 Royal Rumble winner. But then, he got too big for his boots, decided the whole wrestling thing wasn’t really his cup of tea, and fucked it all up.

Flash forward to today, and what do you see? Well, if you’re looking at Bobby Lashley, that’s what you see. Otherwise, you see something else entirely. Whatever, I’ll assume you’re looking at Lashley. I know I am. Uh, yeah.

So anyway…Bobby was a young guy, a pretty talented wrestler with a great amateur background. He signed with the WWE in 2003, and was kept away from television for two years before getting his chance (so ignore anything about how Brock was different because he was held off for longer than Lashley – they were both given the same amount of time. It’s just that Brock utilised it a lot better). Upon his debut, he earned a few fans and, by the end of his two years there (yes it was only two…well, you’re already aware that I’m drawing comparisons, so I’ll keep shtum), Bobby was a two-time ECW Champion, a United States Champion, and a King of the Ring runner-up. But then, he got too big for his boots, decided the whole being-the-fucking-golden-boy-of-the-biggest-game-in-town thing didn’t really cater to his taste, and…

He may have fucked it all up.

It’s too early too say for sure, as the difference when Brock left from now is that TNA was not a viable alternative for him. At that time, Lesnar was actually better off sitting around playing with his dick while the no-compete clause ran out than trying to establish a deal with Jarrett and co. But now, TNA is a pretty big deal. So if Lashley wants in, he’ll probably get in, and he should do for his own sake. Likewise, if TNA want Lashley on their roster, I can understand why. Get more name value, raise him up and create your own main-eventer. It worked for the WWF during the Monday Night Wars, and it could work in TNA if they had a clue what to do with any low-level ‘name stars’ not named Christian or Tomko.

However, what happens from here on in is up to Lashley. If he pulls his finger out and gets over this arrogance, then fair enough. If not, then the only way he’s ever going to learn is if bookers refuse to hold that carrot out in front of him. If that’s the case, then tough shit. I won’t miss him.

You’ll miss me! I’ll show all of you! I’ll own this college one day!

Really? How will you ever afford it on your ‘measly’ wages?

I’ll sue the Atlantic! Boy, I like the sound of that!

Shut the fuck up, Frank.

Sorry, sir.

Ooh, there goes the bell. That’s the end of another school day here at Redundancy High. But I’ll leave you with one final thought. A lot of people say that you don’t know what you until it’s gone, which often sadly translates as manufacturing despair when an absence is realised (see: the Princess Diana debacle). However, it often works in the other way as well. How many of those who ‘turned’ on Jade Goody when she attacked Shilpa Shetty actually had anything other than contempt or blasé sentiments towards her in the first place? Likewise, how many of those who are now proclaiming Lashley to be some sort of antichrist gave two shits about him before now? How did these feelings emerge? Did they just appear because he left? I bet the vast majority of those who call Lashley inept at what he does in the ring don’t actually remember what he was like. But it’s easier to just kick someone when they’re supposedly down, as it is to follow that lead after it’s been created.

I don’t care about Lashley, and I never really did. I’m leaving it at nothing more than that. If you have any sense, you’ll do the same.

And with that, class dismissed!