The Un-Dream Match 2.09.08: The Jumping Bomb Angels vs. Owen Hart & Yokozuna

Note: Due to a contagious case of Writer’s Block caught off Jed Shaffer from Wrestlecrap, The Evolution Schematic will not be seen this week. Instead, 411mania presents another instalment of the most popular wrestling column on Earth!*

The Jumping Bomb Angels VS. Owen Hart & Yokozuna

Brief Background:

Noriyo Tateno and Itsuki Yamazaki, The Jumping Bomb Angels (That’s Noriyo on the… uh… Right. Yeah.) formed in Japan as ‘Noriyo Tateno and Itsuki Yamazaki’ in the early to mid 1980’s, winning their first titles as a team in 1986. They then became known as one of the oddest signings in WWE history, debuting in late 1987 but quickly wowing American audiences with their revolutionary style that would help shape the future Cruiserweight scene in North America (not directly of course, but they wrestled in the Japanese Style that helped lead to that). They won the WWE Women’s Tag Titles (!) at the 88 Royal Rumble, holding them for half a year before losing them to The Glamour Girls. The duo were soon fired from WWE, and headed back to Japan and solo careers. Combined weight, 290lbs.

Owen Hart, the baby of the legendary Hart family, had a rather up and down career leading to Wrestlemania XI. He had high points, pinning his brother Bret Hart clean at WMX on the night Bret won the WWF Title, and winning the 94 King Of The Ring, and low points, pretty much everything else in his career. But at WMXI, Owen had a shot at the WWF Tag Titles with a mystery partner. Owen got this shot due to his bitching at how he and Jim Neidhart had been eliminated from the tournament to crown the new champs, The Smoking Gunns. Owen then brought out Yokozuna, the man his brother had lost the WWF title to 2 years ago, and all round hated Japanese Bastard. The duo won the tag titles on that night, and would hold them for a significant part of 1995, losing them twice, losing them to Diesel and Shawn Michaels amid some controversy, gaining them back the next night and on the same night losing them back to The Smoking Gunns. Combined weight, 868lbs.

Strength:

Our first category is also our easiest. While Owen Hart is merely average for a wrestler, Yokozuna had tremendous strength from being a huge fat bastard. Whereas the Angels were all about flash, speed and technique, and were often beat down by other stronger women. So in this, there is no contest, and perhaps a theme is emerging?

Advantage: Owen Hart & Yokozuna

Speed:

Or perhaps there is not a theme. Owen Hart was no slouch in the speed department, his tours of Japan and Mexico as the Blue Blazer proved that. Owen could fly and be quick. And perhaps he could, on a good day, keep up with the Angels. The Angels would fly about the ring, wrestling that fast pace that would eventually come to America. Owen did have experience with that style, and could, conceivably, keep up. But then you have Yokozuna. Yoko was not quick. Yoko was very, very, VERY slow. In some situations, that is a positive. But when you’re on a tag team, it’s terrible. After all, if Owen gets double teamed and needs help, by the time Yoko gets there, the match is over and the next match is nearly over as well. And thus he drags Owen’s speed down a bit, and thus the Angels win this round.

Advantage: The Jumping Bomb Angels

Brawling:

And here we find another lopsided contest, although not as lopsided as the past two. Certainly in a fist fight you would rarely bet on women against men, on average, but the Angels were able to absorb a lot of punishment from their opponents who tended to have much simpler, basic offence. Thus they knew how to take a punch. But really, when you have Owen Hart, who’s sneaky, and Yokozuna, who’s massive, it’s not hard to pick who’ll knock who out first.

Advantage: Owen Hart & Yokozuna

Stamina:

And back again we go to the other end of the spectrum. Owen Hart had stamina to spare, and could probably last a fair while. As could the Angels, they proved on occasion to be able to gut it out and last a while, both of them. And then you have Yokozuna, a guy who probably got winded when he ate. Sure, at first Yoko would be ok. But if the Angels could keep away from him, which wouldn’t be hard, the longer the match went on, the more and more it would be Owen by himself. And 2 V 1 never works out well if you’re not HHH or HBK. Yet again, Yoko drags Owen down.

Advantage: The Jumping Bomb Angels

Intangibles:

And now we come to the most contentious part of the column. The intangibles. First off there is the fact that one side is male and the other is female. This has two impacts that sorta cancel each other out. While being male tends to make you stronger, fitter, and physically better (on average, there are plenty of women who could kick my ass, please don’t blame me for talking about averages), it also makes you appear a lot meaner for attacking women, and thus the entire arena should be solidly behind the Angels. The Angels also have complimentary styles, which helps in that they can keep the focus much better than the contrasting styles of Owen and Yoko. The language barrier is also a factor, in that Yoko and Owen need to pause every time they try to communicate to each other to translate themselves, while the Angels can speak fluently and quickly. The men have Mr. Fuji and Jim Cornette in their corner, the women no-one. But the tipping point is tag team experience, together. Yokozuna had never been in a tag team before for any length of time, certainly not with anyone as small and agile as Owen. And while Owen had teamed with strong men before, Jim Neidhart for one, and despite the fact that they won the tag titles on their first night as a team, it pales to the YEARS of experience as a team that the Angels had. Going into a match like this, it’s clear that the Angels would know that they had to focus on Owen, and keep him in the ring as much as possible. They knew they had to work together like they had never worked together before. This is the biggest challenge the girls could ever face. But only under great pressure do diamonds form.

Advantage: The Jumping Bomb Angels

Willingness To Cheat:

And finally, a simple question to answer. The Angels were fun loving, popular girls. Yokozuna didn’t care about rules. And Owen Hart didn’t meet a rule he didn’t break.

Advantage: Owen Hart & Yokozuna

Who Would Win?

Clearly only Russo would book this monstrosity. So we have to assume that the match would go down under Russo’s booking. But we’ll say “WWF, McMahon over his shoulder” Russo, not any of the crappy ones.

Before the match we see some tape from earlier in the day of an interview with the Angels. They are asked about the match, and after a moment Itsuki (or is it Noriyo?) bursts into tears, and is comforted by her partner. They both look like they are being led to the gallows. Just as we go to leave, Bret Hart steps into the picture and asks for a word. He has an idea, given that he knows his brother and Yokozuna very well…

We cut to backstage, where we see Owen, Fuji, Cornette and Yokozuna. Owen looks focused and angry, Fuji is calm, Cornette is, well, Cornette and Yoko seems oddly distracted. Cornette rants and raves about how stupid this is. Does anyone really want to see this? These two girls are going to get killed in the ring! And he’s not making a threat, he’s not trying to intimidate them, it’s a statement of fact, they will DIE if they try and fight Owen Hart and Yokozuna. Hell, he’ll beg. Cornette gets down to his knees. Girls, Forfeit. The greatest tag team champs in history do not want your lives on their criminal records. Owen waves Cornette off, and merely states that if these girls want to make fun of him and Yokozuna, then they’ll make statements out of them. Yoko appears to be troubled as they leave.

The Heaviest tag team enters first, Owen Hart his usual proud, arrogant self. But as Yoko and Fuji prepare the ring with salt, the Jumping Bomb Angels step out from the curtain, slowly, hesitantly. Some hoots and hollers are heard as they walk out wearing very skimpy Japanese School Girl outfits. Owen and Cornette both complain to the ref as Yokozuna is transfixed. He stares, his mouth open as the Angels slowly approach the ring. The Angels slide in and approach Yoko, smiling and fleetingly touching his stomach. Yoko smiles, he likes what he sees.

Owen finally turns around, and seeing this scene charges one of them, tackling Tateno (or is it Yamazaki?) to the mat, while Cornette and Fuji drag Yoko out of the ring. Tateno squirms out of the Sharpshooter attempt, Owen never having had to put it on someone so small and flexible before. Tateno manages to get the tag, and the Angels begin to have a bit of a match with Owen, using quick tags to confound Owen, who keeps up with them, neither side making much headway. Eventually Owen manages to clothesline both girls down, and makes a tag to clear his head.

Yoko steps into the ring and… helps both girls up. He says something, and the two girls nod. He asks again, and they nod furiously. He turns, and grabs Owen, nailing a belly to belly on him. He tells one girl to cover him while he picks the other one up and locks in a huge kiss. As she tries, vainly, to straddle him while returning the kiss, the two of them going down to the mat, the other Angel leans down, and is grabbed by Owen, who rolls her up just as Yoko’s shoulders hit the mat with the other Angel on top of him, laying in kisses. The ref, confused, does a double count, 1, 2, 3? He then goes to the time keeper, and after a few seconds, it is announced that due to a double pinfall, the match is officially a draw.

But the Angels win the day, as Owen madly charges at the announcement, only to run into a huge Samoan drop (but Yoko’s not even Samoan!) and then eats a Bonzai Drop, Yokozuna brushing off his managers and leaving with his new bitches… I mean, close, personal friends.

Winner: Draw

* = This claim is open to debate given that it is almost certainly not true.