The Seventh Dimension 02.22.08: Musing Over Music

It looks like Ryan Byers was right. In his news report last week, he spoke of his concern that WWE may be planning to change some of its workers’ entrance themes to reflect the release of their new CD, ‘WWE: The Music, Volume 8′.

And what did we get on Raw this week? Jeff Hardy and Mister Kennedy both coming out to new songs from the album.

I’ll sum up my sentiments about these two now, as there’s not much else to say about the songs on their own merits – Jeff’s new music isn’t awful, I wouldn’t buy it but I feel it was necessary that he move away from the old music. The old music was synonymous with the Hardy Boyz, and it’s important now that Jeff is fully recognised as his own entity rather than one half of an old tandem (especially since Matt has used that Monster Magnet song for well over five years now). Mister Kennedy’s music isn’t bad either, but it sucks compared to his old one and there was no reason to change it at all. I have a feeling we’ll be seeing Kennedy back with his former ditty before long, while Jeff continues to use Endeverafter. I hope that’s the case, anyway.

But this whole thing got me thinking – entrance music really does have quite a big effect on the wrestlers and how we perceive them. And so, for the last few days, I’ve well and truly been…

So this column is probably going to be a little disjointed, as it’s neither one thing nor the other. It’s basically a sequence of reflections that I’ve had, amidst going crazy with that unbelievably frustrating Ratchet & Clank game on PSP (the PS3 one is an immense improvement). Therefore, forgive me if this isn’t as well-written – read: pretentious – or insightful as others I’ve produced. It’s just a stream.

The first thing I thought when I heard Jeff’s new music was that this is the exact right time to debut it. He’s had some great results and is well and truly in the top tier of stars now, so it makes sense from a storyline perspective that WWE would pick up on this and shell out the money for a new track. They already gave him the stage-pyro at the beginning of this push, and now he’s sustained the momentum it’s only logical that they’d ‘reward’ him for his efforts and dough-raking-in. If he’d had the new music and pyrotechnics when he first returned to WWE, or even mid last year while he and Matt were still occasionally teaming, it wouldn’t have worked as well I don’t think. I like the progression, here. It’s not “change for the sake of change” (more on this very shortly), it’s part of Jeff’s career timeline. Having said that, and I can forgive it since Monday’s Raw took place in Anaheim and Endeverafter are from Sacramento, having the band there in attendance seemed a bit desperate and may well do more to damage some peoples’ opinion of WWE than it will promote the glam rock quartet. But we’ll see how that turns out.

I remember how much it sucked balls when, in 2005, Batista won the World Heavyweight Championship for the first time using that generic dirge that could easily have been concocted by any eejit using Fruityloops within an hour or so. It was under-whelming as hell, although the match didn’t help. But then, three months later at Vengeance, he came out to the similarly-sequenced ‘I Walk Alone’ by Saliva, and had the awesomely clichéd fireworks that segued from the machine-gun pose, and I was grinning away long before he ever even entered the Cell. Of course, that match was one of the year’s best as well, but the music set it up perfectly. It always helps when your opponent is Triple H, as nearly everyone loves his entrance even if they hate him. But at Wrestlemania and Backlash, Batista’s boring tune deflated me immediately. At Vengeance, I felt much more excited. Having said that, Josey Scott was thankfully not in the audience that night otherwise I might have jumped out of a window.

Conversely, Mister Kennedy’s change in music IS, indisputably, “change for the sake of change”. Even worse was that they didn’t ENDORSE it whatsoever, like they did with Hardy. There was no mention of the album when Kennedy entered, so if the point wasn’t to shove it down our throats at every opportunity, then why even change Kennedy’s music at all? Looking at the response to it, all I saw on Youtube were comments that said things along the lines of “I liked Kennedy’s old music a lot better”. None of these people even seemed remotely aware of the motivation for this adjustment. WWE have failed miserably on this occasion, although at least Kennedy’s currently being booked pretty well otherwise.

Funnily enough, this reminded me of when they attempted to change Randy Orton’s music to that Killswitch Engage song. The fans shit on it, and rightfully so. I think the belief was that ‘Burn In My Light’ sounded too heroic to be a heel’s theme, but there was one problem with that logic – Orton had already been using that song as a heel for over a year! Talk about missing the boat. When I see Randy Orton, if I’m a bit bored during one of his promos (this doesn’t normally happen, in all fairness), I’ll just start singing the song to myself because they go hand-in-hand now as far as I’m concerned. Luckily, ‘This Fire Burns’ was retired after one week in favour of Orton’s more familiar Mercy Drive hit, and it was later brought back for CM Punk who it is FAR more suited for. Oh, and the ultimate irony of that? CM Punk is a fucking babyface using music designed to make an existing heel more heelish! And it works! You have to admire how it comes full circle like that.

Speaking of using music to coincide with a character turn, look at Finlay. His old music was awesome. “My name is Finlay, and I love to fight! Dun dun duuuuuuuuh, dun dun duuuuuuuuh, duh-nuh-nuuuuuh, nuuuh, dun-dun duuuuuh”. Can’t get any better than that. But now what? He comes out to fucking Hornswoggle’s music. What’s the point? Obviously, WWE felt that they needed Finlay to be seen as a full-on good guy (though thankfully, he’s still a ‘badass’), so they felt the best way to do this was to have his music be really jolly instead of slow and deliberate. Or perhaps they didn’t feel it was Irish enough before, when it really was. Whatever the reason, the decision was made and it was a bad one. And why was it a bad decision?

Because it basically states that Hornswoggle is more valuable to the company right now than Finlay. He’s the one supposed to be Vince’s son, after all. But he’s also Finlay’s leprechaun. So I guess it was determined, a good twenty months or so after Hornswoggle debuted, that they suddenly needed the same music. You know, in case we forget they’re friends. The fact they’re involved in every angle together and are the only two Micks in the company wouldn’t be enough. We need our arses wiped for us by the hand that feeds. Or something. I hope it’s not the same hand, anyway. But I just find that kind of insulting, you know? Hornswoggle was brought in after Finlay, as a comedy showpiece prop no less, and now it’s HIS music they have to share. I think those rather optimistic “Finlay for World Champion” campaigners may now have to face the music (pun intended). **I must say though, since I’m omitting ‘Titbits’ this week, that I think the advancement of the Hornswoggle/Vince/Finlay/and now JBL plot was absolutely top-notch this week. Some of the comedy has been inept, but I’m astonished that they were able to make this serious. I credit Finlay’s tremendous acting for most of that.**

To be fair to Kennedy’s crappy new entrance, it does get the most important aspect spot-on – the introduction. For me, the first few seconds of an entrance song needs to be so memorable, and so recognisable, that you instantaneously know who it is and what that person’s agenda is. Now in all honesty, with Kennedy’s entrance this has nothing to do with the music itself. It’s just the same clip of him shouting ‘Kennedy’ as he had with his old music. But it’s still better than if it was JUST the music. I can imagine that would bury Kennedy within the minds of some fans more than any televised loss. Jeff’s music doesn’t have that same quality, but what it does do is pretty much recreate the first few bars of his previous Hardy Boyz entrance, so there’s no question as to who it is coming down the isle. The big emblem on the screen followed by a Swanton Bomb and the words ‘Jeff Hardy’ flashing to epileptic levels undoubtedly have a similar effect, though. But I think I’m already tied up enough thinking about music right now. Videos can wait for another day – presumably when WWE releases a DVD called ‘WWE: The Videos, Volume One’ and starts changing shit up to reflect that.

Randy Orton’s music begins with that distorted chord which, when coupled with the gold-tinted image of Orton standing on the turnbuckle with his arms spread, is now imprinted on my mind just as much as the lyrics. On the subject of the auditory intros matching the film, I think the Royal Rumble was the first time I’ve seen the beginning of Cena’s video. Usually, they’re showing the crowd when his music starts because they always explode one way or another. I was surprised when it was just slow-motion footage of his chest, although it’s not like I’d built myself up for anything else because I just hadn’t really thought about it. Triple H’s Motörhead theme is now legendary, and the opening strum is always a guilty pleasure of mine. I also like the green lighting and colour-scheme he uses. Santino’s music is another one that you get straight away, although that’s really because you hear it and you think “Italian…oh, Santino”. You’re not likely to actually remember it afterwards.

Most of the Divas music sucks monkey fuck, which is a shame compared to some of the really good stuff that the ladies came out to in the attitude era. Chyna’s music in particular, regardless of what you think of the woman herself (but yes, she is a woman), was very distinctive in a good way. Now, we’ve got all these fucking Destiny’s Child wannabes telling us to “holla, holla!” for Kelly Kelly of all people while Teddy Long and Scott Steiner cry themselves to sleep, and the god-awful Candice Michelle travesty. And why the fuck did Christy Hemme use ‘Walk, Idiot, Walk’ by The Hives when she was there? I actually like The Hives, especially that song, but why would you use an already-released single? Especially when you’re a happy-go-lucky babyface (at the time), and you’re either insinuating that you’re an idiot or you’re commanding your ‘idiot’ audience to walk. Either way, it added absolutely nothing to her character. All it said was “I couldn’t think of anything for myself, so I just listened to the radio for a bit and picked the song I hated the least”. Or, in reality, “We (the WWE) couldn’t think of anything for Christy, so we used The Hives because they’re friends of ours. But we didn’t bother asking for a new song, because we’re under immense pressure to make this Diva Search rookie seem credible ASAP”. And yeah, I realise others have pretty much done the same thing, but at least when Hulk Hogan used Jimi Hendrix’s ‘Voodoo Child’, and The Sandman used ‘Enter Sandman’ by Metallica, the fucking songs weren’t IN THE CHARTS AT THAT TIME. Ugh…

**Memo to self: Do NOT abruptly reminisce of Undertaker’s use of both Kid Rock and Limp Bizkit singles (albeit remixed especially for him), as you enjoyed these and you do not want to appear hypocritical.** Yep, using chart hits is a bad idea. It is abhorrent. La-dee-da…

With all of this said, here are a few others that deserve a mention. As it’s the Academy Awards this week, I’ll present a few e-wards myself based on my own judgments. Bear in mind I’m only covering WWE, WCW and TNA, although mostly WWE.

Most disastrous attempt to change someone’s entrance music
The nominees were the aforementioned Orton/Killswitch Engage experiment, Chris Jericho’s use of a Saliva song, Crash Holly (R.I.P.) under the ‘Version One’ banner, Big Show’s hip-hop music (which I actually liked), and Kurt Angle’s short-term usage of a nu-metal version of his classic tune entitled ‘I Don’t Suck’. Of these, I choose Chris Jericho adopting Saliva’s ‘King of My World’. Saliva and WWE had a good relationship, and in fact Saliva performed two songs at Wrestlemania X-8. So I can understand why they’d have their song showcased on television. But while this song wasn’t bad, the transition suffered in the same way Orton’s did – everyone loved the old song, and there was no logical reason to change it other than a gratuitous shake-up. However, this pips Orton to the post because at least Orton had used several songs beforehand, whereas Jericho had been using ‘Break Down The Walls’ since his debut. The whole thing was clearly just a corporate tactic to shell a couple more discs, which thankfully disintegrated rather quickly because the audience refused to bite. As mentioned earlier, Saliva performed Batista’s swank music so obviously no hard feelings are shared (pun intended – ‘No Hard Feelings’ is one of their tracks).

Winner: Chris Jericho in 2002 (James A. Johnston to Saliva)

Most boring entrance music
Brock Lesnar’s nondescript WWE music was simplistic to a level of burlesque, but it had a bit of personality to it. Torrie’s is mind-numbingly dreary, but it’s never been featured that heavily apart from the one time Lilian Garcia sang it live. The Rock’s music as the Corporate Champion was probably awesome at the time, and was full of his catchphrases, but it didn’t age well and it irks me to tears listening to it after his superior themes as a face…or even when he was heel again in 2003, and that’s saying something because that music was slooow and had that fucking huge helicopter sequence beforehand. And Christian’s current music is just there, it only bores me when I think about it otherwise I don’t notice it much. All these four were short-listed by yours truly, but the easy winner was Undertaker at Judgment Day 2002. It was the slowest, blandest, most repetitive and anti-climactic change I’ve ever heard, and even worse was that he debuted it for the match in which he defeated Hogan for the WWE Undisputed World Heavyweight Championship. Thankfully, it wasn’t intended to stay like that for long, and soon Undertaker had a redone version with that awesome guitar solo, and later ‘You’re Gonna Pay’ which was the original version but with singing. The fact it evolved into two decent entrances means that I can’t in all good conscience call it a futile attempt. But, on this one night at Judgment Day, I couldn’t have felt more apoplectic.

Winner: Undertaker at Judgment Day 2002

Worst entrance music presently used
I was going to give it to the Zach Ryder and Curt Hawkins, until I realised that it’s not the nothing of a song that I detest so much – it’s the video. The same two-second film of them staring into the camera and shuffling in a faux-menacing way, looped four times before their names come up on the screen, and it just repeats without even any footage of them in the ring. Truly, the most asinine video I’ve ever seen for a guy or a team being taken as seriously as the Rated RMY. Others I had in mind were two obvious choices in Candice’s fuck-awful pseudo-dance shit, and the ‘Finlay’ theme which we already discussed. And, Super Crazy’s song…or, rather, THE LACK OF IT! But, in the end, there could only be one winner. No other amalgamation of two sure-fire can’t-miss things has resulted in such an uninhabitable entertainment quagmire. You’ve got Maria Kanellis, who is probably the hottest piece in the company although Kelly Kelly’s a close second in my view. You’ve got Zebrahead – ZEBRAHEAD – who are the absolute shit when they get it right. And the result is a turd of a song, a safe pop-punk creation so pedestrian that even Simple ‘How Could This Happen to Me?’ Plan would politely decline a listen to. I understand that the song was originally written for Stacy Keibler, but she left before she could use it. Quite frankly, I don’t blame her. It’s horrific. Again, I must question how Zebrahead – ZEBRA! HEAD! – could fuck this up so badly. Words fail me.

Winner: Maria Kanellis, ‘With Legs Like That’ (Zebrahead)

Worst entrance music EVER
Technically, the worst ever is probably either Gillberg’s theme or the cover of ‘We’re Not Gonna Take It’ that David Arquette used. But Gillberg had the hilarious fake chants and the shitty glowsticks, and the whole David Arquette thing gets enough bad press as it is. Other nominees would be Dean Malenko’s horrendous ‘Double-Ho Seven’ motif, and the short-lived Just Joe’s song which doesn’t even seem to have a name so I call it ‘Just Jiz’ as a tribute to Spinal Tap’s brilliant ‘Shit Sandwich’ joke. All of these four songs are worse than the one I have chosen as songs. But the one I’m giving the nod to, ‘I’m a Bad Man’, did more than any of these put together to ruin my perception of the person using it. And that’s a bold statement, since Dean Malenko’s career was dead in the water almost the second he started coming out to his James Bond parody. At least Dean wasn’t in the main event, though (and that’s the only time you’ll hear his main-event stardom deficiency being praised on these pages). ‘I’m a Bad Man’ was used by Rikishi when he was a heel, and I believe it’s him rapping on it. It’s not awful, but it’s pretty droning. However, I chose it because Rikishi turned heel on the premise that “I did it for the people. I did it for you, Rock”. So in other words, he was apparently a bit of a sympathetic sort, which would have been more entertaining. And his new music should have reflected that. Instead, he starts using a very mediocre, uninspired rap about how he likes women, cars and pain. I could forgive the cars part because he ran Steve Austin down in one, but seriously now…this song was beyond nob-jockeytastic. It even made me cringe just watching it back to check it was really that horrible. Just dire.

Winner: Rikishi’s heel theme

Most successful attempt to change someone’s entrance music
This is more difficult to rate than its opposite, because it’s hard to tell if it’s going down well or not. So I’ll base it on how fitting the change was and how much it helped the wrestler’s character. For all the shit I’ve given Orton’s one week with Killswitch Engage, his switch from Motörhead to Mercy Drive was excellent and worked with the whole getting-chucked-out-of-Evolution-and-seeking-revenge thing he had going on. Others would be Christian’s ‘At Last You’re On Your Own’, JBL’s conversion from brawling redneck to self-made millionaire, and Billy Gunn during “the faggot years” as they’re so fondly remembered by many. I’m giving my pick though to Edge changing from ‘You Think You Know Me’ to ‘Never Gonna Stop’ during his initial singles’ push. Christian had turned on Edge, but Christian already had separate music from Edge, so there was no real prerequisite for a change on Edge’s part. However, WWE went out of their way to give Edge the cheesiest, most likeable metal song they could find that – importantly – wasn’t already familiar with the casual audience despite already being available. Thus, everybody profited. Edge’s babyface status was cemented, WWE had improved associations with yet another musician, and Rob himself probably sold a good few more records and got increased download traffic. Especially from people SICKENED by the remixed mockery that was on WWF’s own ‘Forceable Entry’.

Winner: Edge in 2001 (James A. Johnston to Rob Zombie)

Most infectious entrance music
For this, I’m excluding ‘Rollin” because it’s not limited to wrestling. So my nominees are ‘Sexy Boy’, ‘The Game’, Kurt Angle’s WWE theme, Steve Austin’s Attitude era theme, and ‘Real American’. It has to be ‘Sexy Boy’ from this lot. Angle’s was annoyingly catchy, but it loses MAJOR points because it wasn’t even recorded originally for Angle – it was used by ‘The Patriot’ Del Wilkes more than two years prior. The others are pretty close, and ‘Real American’ would likely fare better if I wasn’t British. But really, which song is as brilliantly memorable and nauseatingly beguiling as Shawn Michaels’s? It just works. If he’s a heel it gets over how arrogant he is, and when he’s a face it displays how charming and cheeky he is. I didn’t like the Sensational Sherri original (though, naturally, I heard the Michaels one first), but I’m guessing I’m not the only one and that’s why it was re-recorded. The song was too good to just throw away, so Michaels himself had the honour of ‘singing’ about how attractive he finds himself and how much pleasure he takes from making women cum. It should be embarrassingly bad, but the tune is so easy to grasp and tacky with the campy synth that the whole thing falls into place brilliantly. And the biggest indication of how excellent this song is? He’s still using it well over a decade later, and it’s still just as enjoyable. While others have come and gone, ‘Sexy Boy’ has survived like a melodious parasite.

Winner: Shawn Michaels, ‘Sexy Boy’ (Shawn’s version – I’m not keen on Sherri’s one)

Best entrance music presently used
Randy Orton’s an obvious contender, as is Triple H. John Cena, though I’m not a huge fan of his music (I’ve heard worse, I’ve heard better, you know how it is) also gets marks for using his own track, and John Morrison’s is pretty cool as well. This one, though, isn’t all that close. Silkk the Shocker’s ‘I’m Comin”, used by Montel Vontavious Porter, is my favourite. It’s got the distinctive introduction with the ticking clock, then it’s got the small down-time before it thrusts into the main rhythm. The sight of MVP jumping out of that inflatable arch thingy as “AHM COMIN!1!!” is yelled into the arena is just a sweet visual, as is the timing of his pyrotechnic to coincide with the end of the opening chorus and into the first verse. But what I really love about it is how apt it is. Now, obviously there’s the fact that MVP is physically coming down to the ring. But there’s also the fact that MVP is progressing like crazy and fast becoming one of Smackdown’s bigger talents, so he’s “comin'” in the figurative sense as well. Compare that to Mark Henry’s all-too flamboyant mish-mash. You’d think it would be the other way around, Henry has the more understated song and MVP gets the “bop bop bo” crap because he’s more charismatic and slender. But thankfully not, and MVP’s music makes him look like the star he is. I just hope that if (or maybe when) MVP turns face that they don’t change the song, because it strikes me as being a real battler’s music.

Winner: MVP, ‘I’m Comin” (Silkk the Shocker)

Best entrance music EVER
This, and the Worst Entrance Ever category, will likely receive the most feedback and that’s fine. There are just so many to choose from, here. So many, in fact, that I’m not going to even list any nominations. I’m just going to go out on a limb and tell you what my preference is. It’s not easy, and it’s not even the best in terms of following the formula, but it’s the coolest in my eyes and that’s enough for me. Undertaker’s Attitude era theme. I’ve linked it below for you to listen to, if you’re not sure which one I mean. He had a few during that time, but this was his best. I mean, it’s just great. Playing WWF Attitude and hearing this was just a constant stream of joy. He didn’t use it for long, and it didn’t do anything to alter him in any significant way, but it’s just a brilliant track. I don’t even have any more to say on it, just go and mark out to it this moment.

Winner: Undertaker’s Attitude Era theme (Kerwin White was a respectable runner-up)

I will add that I was planning on awarding for Most/Least Suitable, as well. But I couldn’t really garner many nominations, and the results seem obvious – Hulk Hogan’s ‘Real American’ (well, he is. You can’t argue with that – he is, indeed, American. Really, he is), and the already-addressed Hemme/Hives debacle. Anyway, this wasn’t meant to be a project, so I’ll move on.

So what have we learned here? That music isn’t just a nice little extra, it can absolute define the talent. I think we all knew this anyway, but it was interesting for me to put my ideas to paper (well, screen) and realise just how much I cared about it. And, whether it’s good or whether it’s bad, entrance music can always be a talking point.

Having said that, let’s hope it won’t have to be for a while. Kennedy…

From ‘Ric Flair After the Bell’

Mootjjee
Sucks 😉

Huh? I don’t get it. It wasn’t posted as a response to somebody else’s comment. I guess he meant the video sucks, or maybe he meant Flair sucks, but because it’s so pathetically minimal it’s difficult to tell what this TWENTY-FOUR year old was trying to say here. The Dutch really do not give a good account of themselves on Youtube. Which saddens me, as I’ve always liked Holland. Oh well.

And that’s it for another week. It was good fun looking back at all the music that used to either drive me nuts or have me playing air drums. Who knows what developments will arise within the next week for me to look at.

Ciao!