The Way I C It 02.25.08: CHIKARA Edition

Make no mistake about it, though: it was Vince who made you, and without him, you would not have been half as big as you were. As much good as you did for wrestling, you have also hurt it in your later years. Many people think you were one of the keys to the downfall of WCW. Your refusal to put over young talent puts you on a level with Shawn Michaels and HHH. In your twilight years, you care more about that one last dream match than using the little credibility you have left to elevate someone else. That is why you are not good enough to carry one of Ric Flair’s 16 world titles, let alone retire him. Thanks for playing, Hulk. You’ve had your wonderful parting gifts. Be a good fellow, and ride off into the great orange sunset, Mr Great Orange God.

Whew! Rant mode off. Let us begin, shall we?

The Way I C The E

Well, we’ve got the main event that most people expected for Mania – Orton/Cena/HHH. They didn’t go about it the way I would have chosen, and I don’t think their way works. Regal is a heel GM, so why would he be siding with Cena? Regal’s natural inclination should have been to tell Cena “Tough luck, sunshine. You had a chance at the WrestleMania main event, you chose to cash in early, you blew it. NEXT!” At the very least, a gauntlet of large violent men should have been instituted. Of course, this would have led to Cena going over each of them in record time, thus burying each monster and their credibility right next to Hogan’s. What I would have preferred would be some creative word management by Cena, along with some help from the monkeys in the truck, to show that although he asked for a shot at No Way Out, he never actually said he was using his Rumble-won shot. Yes yes, I know he sort of did. This is WWE we’re discussing. If they can creatively alter recent history to suit their needs, so can I. Anyway, this would have been a more interesting and consistent way, in my mind, to get to the same destination.

That said, the dynamic of HHH as the ref and basically deciding on the type of match he would have at Mania was a good one. The match has promise and should make us forget about the other Raw triple threat main event at WrestleMania that never happened honest. Or so they hope.

We were inundated in Money in the Bank qualifiers this week, none of which was competitive or worthy of airtime. Well, the Jimmy Wang Yang – Shelton Benjamin match was at least passable. Seriously, WWE, did you expect us to believe Snitsky or Val Venis would be in this match? Snitsky and a ladder should never be used together, and as for Val…well, it was probably news to most viewers that he still had a job. On a slightly related topic, remember when the Intercontinental title was used to elevate a midcard guy, and was defended regularly in strong, heated feuds? Unless something drastic happens, this will be the sixth straight WrestleMania with no IC title match. It wouldn’t have been so hard to have someone beat Hardy for the belt while he was feuding with Orton, due to Orton’s interference. Instead, they’d rather ignore it. Maybe it will go away!

It must really suck to be Paul Burchill. He gets over with a goofy pirate gimmick, and gets taken off the air because Vince didn’t “get it”. Now he’s back with one of Vince’s pet projects, an incest gimmick, and has turned into Human Heat Vacuum mark III. No amount of Katie Lea hotness, curb stomping brutality or surprisingly decent mic work (despite an abominable accent from Katie) is going to save this gimmick. It needs to be defined as face or heel, so the fans know if they’re supposed to cheer him or not, before it can go anywhere. Putting him against guys that nobody has seen or cared about in a while just isn’t going to matter to the casual fan. Super Crazy seems to have gone super crazy at the buffet table, too. HAHA I made a joke. That’s my quota for the week.

So let me get this straight: you bring back Jericho to have him job to Orton and barely go over JBL. You bring back JBL to have him job to Jericho and kill a midget. Now you bring back Big Show to have him put over another midget who’s not even on the roster. Way to utilise that name talent, WWE! As much as we get on TNA for this, we can’t ignore it when WWE does it. The WWE roster is full of people at the end of their careers, and young guys needing that one feud to establish themselves. Booking 101 – pair them up! Michaels – Kennedy was great TV and has elevated Kennedy.. Why not Jericho – Santino, JBL – Lance Cade, DX – LonDrick, or Big Show – Snitsky?

Let us pause to acknowledge the awsomeness of Finlay. Finlay – McMahon would have been more interesting, though, than Finlay – JBL. Unless it’s a bullrope match or some such.

I suppose I should be happy about Maria’s decision to pose in Playboy. There’s only a few things bothering me. Playboy has a history of taking already beautiful women, shooting them with a make-up gun (set to whore) and taking pictures, thereby making the end result look nothing like the original beauty we pined for. This also means we’ll be subjected to a Mania title shot for Maria, when you could get a much better match with any combination of Melina, Mickie, Victoria, Beth and even Candace and Michelle. Finally, the lack of Stephanie McMahon makes me sad.

Batista and MVP have some great chemistry. MVP seems to be following the Cena career path, as he is now a heel with a ground-and-pound game who is garnering IWC support. As good as the Hardy/MVP program was, I can’t help but wonder how much of that was due to the lack of in-ring action between them. With all the hype, the eventual match couldn’t help but be a let-down, no matter how good it ended up being. For this reason I’d rather see MVP-Batista then MVP-Matt at Mania, presuming MVP doesn’t qualify for Money in the Bank. It’s not like Batista has anything else to do: with both Edge and Taker busy, the only other potential outlet for him would be to retire Flair.

Please God, don’t make us sit through Khali-Kane II at Mania. Please. That was a good finish though. This match, along with the BDV squash and the tag match, were just kinda thrown in there at random, setting nothing up for the future and not even particularly good in the process.

So Rey’s out for a while, and you put him over the ECW champion on the way? Booking genius!

Flair to the Hall of Fame. Excellent. Bit of a no-brainer, but excellent. Food for thought: maybe Flair DOESN’T lose at Mania, but loses instead in a random TV match in an attempt to get people to tune in every week hoping to see, or not see, Flair’s last match?

Don’t get too excited, folks: the rub that Punk, Burke and Shelton got from Flair this week was just a fleeting glimpse of fame for three guys that, according to WWE brass, are not ready yet. Nevertheless, watching Punk and Flair shake hands and briefly embrace was heart warming. Even if Punk has a built-in reason to feud with Flair, it’s not on the cards. I’m not that lucky.

What I can foresee for Mania is Punk in Money in the Bank, and no ECW title match. Or tag title match. Or US Title match. In fact, don’t be surprised if we only get 3 title matches at the biggest show of the year. Which will suck.

The Way I C The T

Long-time readers of this column will know that I have very little love for TNA. I’ve spent a considerable amount of time bashing their insane booking, their ridiculous gimmick matches and their questionable signings. The past few shows have gradually moved away from all these tendencies. I guess it says something when Impact is the only show I can routinely stay awake for.

I have to start my look at TNA this week with the amazing and under-rated Curry Man segment. How many stars was this Larry? Observe:

All that name-dropping. The no-sell of the name dropping. Shark Boy plays off Daniels perfectly, and who could complain about Crystal’s ass-shaking? Certainly not me. This is the type of comedy that can work in wrestling. Yes, Curry Man is…

Was there ANYONE who didn’t see the Kip James turn coming? Anyone? No? OK then. Fail.

Despite the fact that Eric Young is really wearing out his welcome and grating on my nerves, I enjoyed the interplay with him, Kaz, Rellik and Black Reign this week. Eric’s reluctance to get in and save his friend from the “monsters” shows some good continuity (gasp!) and sets up the potential for Eric to grow up. The EY gimmick is so much better than the Eugene one, if for no other reason than they can bring him out of it a lot easier. It’s a shame they can’t find anything better to do with Kaz though. Given the quality of his ladder match with AJ, why not have them feud? AJ’s current storyline is 100% Russo-rific crap that has nowhere to go. He’s been taken down to the level that a title shot for him would not be believable, so that blowoff seems out of the question. He needs to be made into a threat again first, and a 3-month feud with Kaz would be just the ticket. As good as AJ has been in his comedy role, it’s a complete waste of his in-ring talent.

Man are the TNA brass ever getting behind Jay Lethal! A very strong showing at Against All Odds, an award as X-Division wrestler of the year, and now some strong in-ring segments that have done more to develop his character in 2 weeks than any number of Black Machismo skits. The man is over, plain and simple. Normally I’d argue against pairing him with SoCal Val as it continues the Machismo stuff, but in this case it’s the fuel for a feud with Sonjay Dutt, so leave it be.

Remember the Night of Gauntlets? TNA doesn’t. Only Christian and ODB have had their shots. Hell, Petey just won a triple threat to be number one contender…again! So right now, there are 3 outstanding shots for the X title: 2 for Petey, and one for Steiner. After Joe’s shot at the title, Steiner has one pending. The Machine Guns have a tag title shot waiting. Even money that these are all forgotten by Lockdown.

The 3D weigh-ins have now only got 2 more places to go before they get old: neither of them makes it, and they both make it. At least the handicaps should be doe for the time being.

The Way I C RoH

Before I get into the weekend shows, let me bring you a little nugget of news from the always-awesome Column of Honor. The Motor City Machine Guns are signed for two RoH shows in April! One of them will be a rematch of last year’s tag match of the year with The Briscoes. Possible opponents for the second match include Steenerico, Age of the Fall and the No Remorse Corps.

Almost every RoH-bot is salivating over this news and is thanking TNA for their generosity in letting the MCMGs wrestle for RoH again. While I’m happy with the signing, I am asking 2 questions: does this mean the RoH PPV venture is over, thus enabling TNA talent to appear again? Or could it be that Shelley and Sabin are quitting TNA/not renewing their contracts, thus enabling them to come to RoH full-time? Gabe Sapolsky made it quite clear that this was a two-shot deal, but then again he’s the guy who said the Project 161 stuff was NOT an RoH angle.

The Long Island show was hammered by weather, leading to what we’ll call Unscripted IV for now. With the talent they had on hand, RoH decided to go for a first contender tournament, which I think was a good decision. They had enough big names to give the tournament some credibility, and to stir up some angles. Kevin Steen really shone here, not only winning the tournament but also going over Bryan Danielson, who has had no luck in these Unscripted events, in the process. Austin Aries continued his descent into heeldom with a roll-up loss to El Generico, who went on to a good showing against Go Shiozaki before losing. Jason Blade got an interesting victory over 2 RoH students and Human Tornado…I guess I’d be beating a dead horse by pointing out that Blade is a much bigger name in FIP than RoH? We also saw the little-anticipated return of Zach Gowan, so he could job to Ruckus. Tremendous.

Saturday’s show was the 6th Anniversary show and was headlined by the highly-touted Danielson-McGuinness matchup. From the reports, it seems that McGuinness was back to his heel roots here, getting DQ’d and trying to walk away with the title before Aries and some of the other senior guys on the roster stopped him in the aisle and forced him back into the ring, only for him to retain. A heel McGuinness works for me, partly because face champions in RoH don’t seem to get the best runs (was Aries a face when he was champ? Before my time…) and partly because chasing a title is always more entertaining. The idea of locker room vs Nigel is an intriguing one and it should be interesting to see where it goes.

Kevin Steen kept up his momentum with a win over Joey Matthews of Age of the Fall; Jacobs and Black picked up the victory over the thrown-together team of Human Tornado and Delirious; Brent Albright went over El Generico; the NRC retained the tag titles over RuckSaw representing the Vulture Squad, and Austin Aries made sure Go Shiozaki didn’t go home thinking RoH was easy by beating him. Sara Del Ray Byers, as Ryan would love her to be known, retained the SHIMMER title over Daizee Haze, who had been a thorn in her side for a while and held a couple of non-title victories over her. This should be a good match on the DVD. The other match of note was the FIP title bout featuring Roderick Strong, Erick Stevens and Necro Butcher. It was a No DQ affair, a style of match that we know Necro excels at, and by all reports it was one hell of a brawlfest.

The Way I C CHIKARA

With special guest co-host, Lansdell Jr!

For the uninitiated, CHIKARA is the brainchild of Indy God and part-time RoHer (as well as recent 411 interviewee) “Lightning” Mike Quackenbush. It’s heavily influenced by lucha, with a large dose of comedy inserted. Where else would you find wrestling ants, a guy who makes Rey Misterio look like Chris Masters who wrestles with a super-heavyweight gimmick, and a tag team of ice creams? Yes, I said ice creams. It’s also the home of ECW cult favourite Colin Delaney, known as Colin Olsen in CHIKARA. In fact, he’s in the evening’s first match, as the event we watched was Crisisland.

Match 1: The Olsen Twins vs Los Ice Creams

We start of with a vignette about Colin being lactose intolerant. The Olsens use the Full House theme, tremendous! I should note that Lansdell junior picks this up. He also notices right away that the ring is about a foot off the floor. Colin Olsen has a doctor’s note on a paper plate. There appears to be no end to the awesomeness as Los Ice Creams come out to ice cream truck music. We both get a kick out of the ice cream-related humour which is nicely balanced with some good action to finish. The comedy in this match did negatively affect the quality of wrestling to a degree, but as an opener it worked. The Ice Creams go over and pick up a second point, which is not really explained. Why is it significant? Lansdell Jr thinks the match was “crazy”, and particularly liked the miscommunication spot which led to Colin Olsen voluntarily throwing himself off the apron into the crowd.

Match 2: Ophidian vs Player Uno

Lansdell Jr instantly takes to the debuting Ophidian, loving his costume and snake mannerisms. I, on the other hand, have a soft spot for Player Uno, who is handed a NES game by a fan during his entrance, and is using a remix of the training scene music from Mike Tyson’s Punch Out! as his theme. When comedy is the main aim of your promotion, it doesn’t seem so out of place. This match was much better as a match, with only a few comedy spots. Player Uno manages to work in a star uppercut from Punch Out, but Ophidian’s gimmick doesn’t really lend itself to comedy and he wins with a cobra clutch/body scissors combo, or the Cuddle as my son calls it. Lansdell Jr picked the winner correctly, loved the stiff kicks that Ophidian threw, and also points out that guys in masks can be tricky because you can’t see their faces so you don’t know if they’re faking. I have taught him well.

More awsomeness: as he is rolling out of the ring, Player Uno asks where the Reset button is.

Match 3: Team FIST and Max Boyer vs The Colony

Lansdell Jr wonders why nobody likes FIST and Boyer. He then marks like, well, a 7-year-old as the Colony comes out. I have just noticed that there is a legit bingo board on the wall. Lansdell Jr picks Fist and Boyer to win early on. This match had some insane action and was VERY fast paced, although the lack of Burning Hammer from Fire Ant was upsetting. We did get to see an Air Raid Crash though. A Pedigree is broken out, which Lansdell Jr called before it was hit. This boy knows his stuff! He asks how these guys can survive as we’re seeing numerous head bumps. Excellent question my boy. The Colony picks up the win with a very innovative triple team move, which was Lansdell Jr’s favourite. Lots of action in this match, he says. So far, he likes this and WWE the same, because this kind has more action and is funny, but WWE has better wrestlers. He’s still loving the “snake guy” though.

Match 4: Claudio Castagnoli vs Sicodelico Jr

I warn Lansdell Jr in advance that Claudio is awesome. Sicodelico looks like a lollipop apparently. I had heard good things about the match, but it wasn’t as good as I was hoping. Lansdell Jr like it too, but is still stuck on the “snake guy”. He loved Claudio’s moveset. This was more of a standard match than we’d seen on the rest of the card, less comedy spots which is appropriate given it was part of the NWA title tournament.

Match 5: Shayne Hawke and 2.0 vs Mike Quackenbush and ShaneSaw

Team 2.0 are Jagged and Shane Matthews, and look like an emo version of Billy and Chuck. Lansdell Jr sees Shane Storm and goes “A clown!” He then proceeds to laugh at Quack’s name. His pick to win are the reigning King of Trios champions, Quack and ShaneSaw. This was my first time seeing Quack in his natural habitat and the difference is like night and day. The pacing of this match really suffers when the heels, excuse me, rudos are in control. There is a nice spot where the rudos apply an abdominal stretch with one guy pulling the active man’s arm for leverage, then the other guy on the outside pulling the second guy’s arm. The técnicos then do the same spot, only they get a fan to help out. Lansdell Jr is digging Jigsaw, and loved the triple tope by the faces. “How can they breathe in the masks?”, says Lansdell Jr. Some great action, better than any other in the match, leading both myself and Lansdell Jr to pick it as match of the night thus far. Despite the action dragging with the rudos in control. What really made it for me were the multiple towers of doom and the innovation. It might not have been innovative to anyone who watches lucha regularly, but I don’t.

Hawke and 2.0 cut a hilarious promo right after the match. Jagged from 2.0 has more than a hint of The Rock about his promo style. Whatever happened to 2.0 anyway?

Match 6: Eddie Kingston vs Tim Donst

My first time getting to see Eddie Kingston, and my first impression is that’s he’s out of shape. This match was just plain brutal but told an awesome story. Kingston laid in a ton of stiff stiff slaps and chops, but Donst kept fighting his way up and landed a few shots of his own. Experience and brutality finally win out with a sick spinning backfist by Kingston picking up the win. Lansdell Jr again picked right, making him 5/6 for the night thus far. He absolutely loved the stiff shots Kingston was laying in, but wanted Donst to stay down. We get a shot of Donst’s chest post match…not a pleasant sight. Lansdell Jr now doesn’t like Kingston because he’s too violent.

Match 7: Order of the Neo-Solar Temple vs Hallowicked, Cheech and Cloudy

The Order are weird even by CHIKARA standards. Lots of comedy in this one, mostly centred around Hydra’s super-heavyweight gimmick. Lansdell Jr is picking the Order to win, because he thinks Hydra is funny and Crossbones is really strong. I wasn’t particularly fond of this match, it was mostly a showcase for Hallowicked who picked up the win here and set up his feud with Eddie Kingston. It’s a sign of the match quality when Lansdell Jr began to get restless during this match, but not the next one.

Match 8: Chris Hero vs Lince Dorado

Chris Hero is huge in CHIKARA, while Dorado is a rookie. Lansdell Jr picks Dorado because he’s wearing his favourite colour (gold). I try not to point out he’s nuts, as there is no way Hero loses to a rookie. Lansdell Jr marks out over Hero’s athletic displays. He picks this as his favourite match of the night, thinking it had more action than the QuackShaneSaw match, and because Lince won. Yes, my own son out-predicted me. This was a good match but for me, it comes up short of Match of the night.

In summary then:

Match of the night: 2.0 and Hawke vs QuackShaneSaw (me), Hero vs Dorado (Junior)
Favourite Wrestler: Eddie Kingston (me), Ophidian (Junior)
Spot of the night: Both in agreement, the finisher from The Colony. Two Ants held the victim between them, whole the third climbed on their shoulders and hit a splash on the victim.

Final thoughts: We both immensely enjoyed the show. It was good, clean family fun with a little bit of everything: lucha spots, sick bumps, plenty of comedy and some serious matches. I have International Invasion of the International Invaders to look at eventually, but for now both Lansdell and Lansdell Jr recommend giving Crisisland a look.

The Way U C Me

A few more announcing clichés to chew on:

Posted By: AngeP (Guest) on February 18, 2008 at 12:22 PM

Please God no.

It’s kind of like trying to Power Bomb Billy Kidman, isn’t it?

Posted By: Ty Huston (Registered) on February 18, 2008 at 02:56 PM

Very much so. In case anyone is wondering, this joke cliché came about when it was pointed out that Kidman just never takes power bombs. If anyone can find a clip of him taking one, I will be eternally grateful. Well, maybe not eternally, but you’ll get a thank you.

“BDV is a talented big man and can do so much better” Is that so?
Because I have only seen him consistently put on -* matches and induce over 2
million people to puke at the sight of his ENORMOUS boob fat

Posted By: SAVE_TNA_222 (Guest) on February 18, 2008 at 03:53 PM

Yes, he’s not much fun to look at. But for a man his size, he moves pretty well and tells a good story. In previous incarnations he has had some very acceptable matches and is capable of doing so again.

You know I feel that the WWE really needs to get out of their comfort zone
now… Having Hunter and Cena constantly looming over the title picture is
getting even more annoying than Cena’s one year reign, or Hunter’s coveting of
the belt…

Posted By: Travis (Guest) on February 18, 2008 at 04:56 PM

This has been addressed many times in many places, but I see no harm in repeating it here. HHH has held the title for an hour and change in the past few years, and has had a handful of title shots. He spent most of the last couple of years feuding with cheerleaders, Vince, and Edge and Orton. Cena’s long reign may have been boring to some people, but who else was going to hold the belt? Orton was misbehaving, HHH would just have had the IWC complaining, Michaels was teaming with HHH, and…well…sorry, was there anyone else on Raw who was worthy? Jeff Hardy is only now looking credible, and Kennedy was just too green, as was Umaga.

Ahh, Generico. For those not familiar, Travis is talking about this:

The first time I saw this clip, I believe I marked. Several times. The commentary and Generico’s response to the crowd sell it even better than the move itself. It’s a unique move and a devastating one, and you’re right that it’s dangerous as all get-out. That’s why he hardly ever uses it now. He tends to use the corner Yakuza/standard brainbuster combo, only busting out the Brainbustaaaaaaaaaah on special occasions. As such, I love it. If it became his everyday finisher, it would lose some appeal.

One thing I forgot to say last week was that the high spots are fine as long as
they aren’t overdone. As someone who can enjoy the WWE style of wrestling as
well as stuff from Dragon Gate, ROH, PWG, and so on and so forth, I feel it’s
all how the move/spot is used. When the high spots become too commonplace,
something has to be done. Jack Evans used to be someone who accumulated more
frequent flyer miles that the entire customer population of Northwest, United,
and American Airlines combined. Now, however, he’s become a better wrestler
without flying so much. If Petey Williams and fifty thousand over wrestlers
didn’t feel the need to use the Canadian Destroyer every match, I might not
shit on the move as much as I do.

Posted By: Suicidal Dragon (Guest) on February 18, 2008 at 11:12 PM

While I agree about a smaller number of high spots making the noes we do get more special, I cannot agree with Jack Evans being a better wrestler. Jack without his spots is like Harold Melvin without the Blue Notes – ain’t never goin’ platinum. Big moves, sick bumps and high spots are not used correctly anywhere in the Big 3, Japan or most Indies. WWE and TNA underuse them, Japan and the Indies overuse. TNA is probably closest to striking a good balance.

Game, set and match boys and girls! Next week Smooth Moves makes a return for a look at some submission holds. So if any YouTube move gurus are reading, this would be a good time to put up some single clips! Until next week, stay safe.

Lansdellicio…OMG I just realised something…No Way Out = nWo! Awesome!