The Way I C It 03.10.08: Commentator Edition

I’ll stop short of calling them clueless assclowns of the First Order. After all, they’re the ones with marketing degrees and all the figures at their fingertips. But as a member of their key demographic (male 18-35 with a child), I can tell you that the promotion for WrestleMania is not resonating with me. I have seen every WrestleMania of the pay per view era live, either at home or in a bar, and never felt bad for the money I spent. Not once have I thought twice about it. Until this year.

The title matches are underwhelming and predictable. Aside from Flair-Michaels, not one other match has any build. This is WRESTLEMANIA, not ECW on Sci Fi. The card should be full of big angle blowoffs, not matches thrown together at the last minute. And instead of putting time and effort into promoting, say, a tag title match or putting some backstory into the MitB match, they are giving TV time to a midget who is fighting a kraken. Awful timing on promos aside, how are we to believe that Mayweather can beat Big Show? He can’t even reach his head. You’re throwing good money after bad at this point.

The WrestleMania before an anniversary have the unfortunate distinction of, well, sucking. IX is widely considered the worst ever. XIV was so unmemorable that I had to look up the matches outside the main. Taker/Kane was good, but the rest of the card gets a big giant MEH. XIX is almost the exception to the rule, but it had the spectacular Taker vs Show and A-Train handicap, the cat fight, and the blahmendous HHH-Booker T berry-al. And, of course, that Brock Lesnar bump. I left out IV because many people loved it. Personally, I’ve had minor surgery that I enjoyed more. Basically, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that this Mania is seemingly headed that way. I am, though. I also want WWE to stop grabbing E-list “celebrities” to be special guest dolly grip or fourth light operator. Celebrities are good for business. Crap ones, not so much.

Rant mode off. On tap for this week, we have some WWE and TNA stuff to look at, a few quick thoughts on Undeniable (which I finally got around to watching) and The Way I C Commentators. Are we all sitting comfortably? Then let’s begin.

The Way I C The E

Floyd Mayweather. Where to start? Maybe with the fact that he’s supposed to be the face, but is getting booed? Or we could point out how awful his mic work was this week. Not to mention he’s a helter-skelterweight or whatever and is fighting a man that could split himself in two and still wouldn’t be able to fight in Floyd’s division. The original plan with De La Hoya was a great one, but once that fell through the whole thing should have been called off.

I still want Shaq vs Show at SummerSlam.

The whole “each of you gets a shot at being GM” angle is pointless. It’s already obvious what we’re going to see each week. The triple threat match really has an easy way to build it without going through all of this convoluted stuff. Cena never lost it, Orton is desperate to keep it, HHH has been through hell for a shot at it. Desire, people. It’s simple and everyone can identify with it.

Flair-Michaels is producing some tremendously intense interview segments. This should come as a surprise to no-one. This retirement angle has been well-conceived and I’m still not convinced Michaels will retire him. What pissed me off, though, was Smackdown, with Edge setting up the triple threat cage match with Flair. The match is pointless, and was made worse with Edge saying it wouldn’t be a career-threatening match. Aside from the fact that (kayfabe) he has no power to make that determination, we’ve already been told that Flair’s career is only on the line in singles matches.

So Carlito is in Money in the Bank, and from a house show this weekend MVP apparently has qualified. The mid- to upper midcard is the strongest it’s been in a long time, and WWE throws all of the talent in the once match so we can have a Playboy match and yet another David vs Goliath special.

Finlay-JBL is just not doing much for me. The match needed to be Finlay-McMahon but I guess Finlay is too young and midcard for the massive rub from Vince.

Can you tell that WWE has me feeling a touch jaded right now?

It is incredibly sad that one of the best angles on TV right now is a throwaway one featuring a jobber getting a push, an old guy with nothing better to do, and two young talents wearing meaningless title belts to keep them occupied. Colin Delaney FTW!

Kane and Umaga with squashes this week. Kane at this point is just treading water for his annual title push, and needs something to do. Umaga is being made to look strong for the Batista match, but then why is Batista losing to MVP?

Punk and Guerrero seem to be putting on better matches each time they hook up. I don’t know that we need to see it again at Mania, but they had better find something for Punk to do, or I’m going to be disappointed. As for the ECW title…considering right now we only have 2 title matches at Mania, I would hope Chavo defends. I’m not holding my breath though.

None of Smackdown made any sense to me. Just saying.

The Way I C The T

I will refrain from predicting the PPV, since it will be over by the time you read this. I am looking forward to a couple of matches though. Of course, next week’s column will give you the breakdown.

Booker and Roode continue to heat up their feud without ever fighting each other. You see, bookers around the country? It can still work! I was left confused by one thing: if Roode is so adamant that he not put Peyton Banks in harm’s way, then is the second stipulation gone?

For once, I enjoyed the build for a TNA pay per view main event. Sure, it was obvious from the time they mentioned the concept that the cage match would be the decider. They still had 2 very good matches and one passable (Styles-Nash, and not due to lack of effort) one. The finish to the First Blood was nicely executed and one I don’t recall seeing before. Oh, and I marked for the face’s backstage skit. Please, TNA, do not ruin this by having Nash and/or Christian turn on Joe and reveal that they were part of the Angle Alliance from the beginning.

The Kaz/EY-Reign/Rellik (which spells something or another backwards, I forget) feud would be a great one if it was based purely on Kaz trying to get Eric over his fear. The continued references to dyed rats is just silly. Oh hey, Russo! Didn’t see you there writing. Kaz is Zak spelled backwards.

When Rhyno squashed Mesias, I was prepared to rip into the decision. Now I know it’s because Mesias was leaving, so…OK.

For a show that kept my attention, there were not a lot of talking points. It made me look forward to the pay per view though. And Curry Man landing on Jimmy Rave was gold, even if we do have to sit through a Fish Market Fight, or whatever.

The Way I C RoH – Undeniable Edition

It took me a while after this one to catch my breath. After a slow start, the match quality just got better and better. Aries-Strong was awesome, and the brainbuster off the apron through the table to the floor was ridiculous. I also enjoyed Strong’s backbreaker on the top turnbuckle. Seems to me that we could see that spot in WWE, it’s pretty safe and looks painful as hell. From there we went on to a Briscoes-NRC title match than was miles better than I expected. I’m not an easy guy to impress, and I found myself saying “WOW!” at least 4 times in this match, most notably off the power bomb-neck breaker combo. The McGuinness-Morishima match started off badly, as Nigel was all lariat. As he diversified, he had more success, and the win of course was emotional. In retrospect, the match told a great story of Nigel trying too hard with one move, and in using others was able to get to a point where his one move won it for him. Overall I recommend the show, but if you miss the first half hour, don’t be upset.

The Way I C Commentary

Much like theme music, but on a much larger scale, the commentators are essential to putting over a match, wrestler, storyline, angle or what have you. The right words at the right time can make anyone seem like a monster, or an underdog. They can turn any match into a life-or-death situation, and remind the viewer why certain happenings are important.

Or at least, they should.

With the departure of JBL from Smackdown, the last good commentary team around today is no more. Which is a perfect opportunity for me to analyse the teams I’ve seen (or rather heard) that are around today, give you their strengths and weaknesses, and also my favourite 3 teams of all time. They may surprise you.

RAW – Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler

On and off, these guys have been around for years. It shows too. They have a great rapport and play off each other almost seamlessly. They’ve also moved beyond the pure heel/pure face commentary dynamic more so than any of the other teams, which can be refreshing at times. They both have a ton of credibility, as JR has forgotten more about wrestling than any of us will ever know, and King is/was one of the greatest heels in the business. Ross does an excellent job of bringing viewers into the story, with little trivia bits thrown in, and reminds people of what has gone before without seeming like he’s dictating to dumbasses.

On the downside, familiarity often breeds contempt. I am sick of Lawler drooling over every Diva, sick of JR miscalling everything as a power bomb or power slam (or twist of fate…), and sick of their tired clichés. I understand that they have been asked not to call the moves so much, but calling them wrong is just plain bad. Ross was at one point the best commentator on the planet, and I would have paid good money to have him and Tenay together when Tenay was at his peak doing colour. Sometimes you almost feel that JR especially is just going through the motions.

Smackdown – Michael Cole and The Coach

Michael Cole 3 years ago was right at the top of my People to Damage list. He improved greatly next to JBL (who was good but not as great as some of my colleagues think), and it’s to his credit that he continues to improve. Coach has a great presence on the mic and on screen, and given time will interact well with Cole. Coach’s role as the evil lackey is one he perfected, and hopefully he can transition it to the announce booth.

Question is, can we tolerate this pairing long enough to give them that chance? Cole’s improvement is being nullified by the lack of chemistry with Coach, although I can see where it can develop. Coach appears out of his element and really doesn’t lend the credibility that JBL and Tazz did. For Cole to succeed, he needs someone next to him who can keep his unrestrained markish enthusiasm and “purity” in check with one-liners and zingers. Coach, funny though he can be, is not that man.

ECW – Joey Styles and Tazz

The closest thing to a good commentary team in the WWE. Styles’ knowledge and over-the-top enthusiasm is tempered by the laid-back Tazz, who also does a better job than anyone of explaining moves and actions from a wrestler’s standpoint. The words Tazz uses to describe moves and holds really bring out an image of the pain inflicted. With these 2 being part of the last vestiges of the original ECW, they add an extra something to their brand. Whenever I’m watching a multi-brand match at a PPV with the multiple people on commentary, these two seem to shine through the most. Tazz is a funny guy too, especially when he’s putting down Joey’s attempts at comedy.

Too often, though, these two go back and forth in barely intelligible exchanges that I’m sure make sense to them and possibly a few hardcore ECW fans. This really draws away from the match and is unprofessional. I’ve seen them on WWE 24/7 introducing the ECW classic shows, and it’s even worse there. Styles’ exuberance can grate on the nerves a touch.

TNA – Mike Tenay and Don West

I’m trying REALLY HARD to find some good points here. Well, Tenay has done a better job than I thought, transitioning from colour to play-by-play guy. And it’s a testament to the man’s lung strength that Don West is still alive. He brings a genuine passion to the job that is evident in his work.

Is that enough good stuff? Great. Mike Tenay drives, yes, me crazy with, yes, the way he constantly, yes, inserts, yes, “yes” into each sentence, numerous times and, yes, keeps saying “To the back, now…” Fun drinking game: every time Tenay says “yes”, take a drink. Every time he reminds you what Rellik is spelled backwards, take 4 drinks. Good luck making it to hour 2. Don West takes exuberance to a level never before reached. Simply put, the man is a danger to die on air. Everything is superlative with Don, there is no middle ground, no average. I wonder how much more watchable TNA would be with any of the great talents they have on staff at the mic: Nash, Cornette, Steiner…

Ring of Honor – Dave Prazak and Lenny Leonard

These guys are probably the best around today. I’m sure I’ll catch some heat for that, since liking anything RoH is a good way to fire up the comments. Prazak does an amazing job at explaining why we should care about the match, which for a fed like ROH is incredibly important, since they don’t do recaps or advertise outside their website. If you’re like ma and you skip the Video Wires, you wouldn’t know what was going on without him. Leonard is even better than Prazak all around, being largely impartial, calling the action, filling in the gaps and providing good insight. A trap that many indie commentators fall into is trying to get themselves over at the expense of calling the action. Lenny manages to avoid this.

Prazak is often guilty of this. He also has a voice that makes my teeth itch. He’s knowledgeable enough, but sometimes it seems like he is throwing stuff out there just for the sake of showing us how smart he is. He needs to work on his tone as well. Leonard…I honestly can’t say I’ve seen a downside to this guy.

I’d like to point out that I haven’t included CHIKARA, the only other promotion with which I am familiar, because they rotate commentators. I’d also like to say that I need to learn Japanese. Watching the puro stuff and only catching the odd move here and there can be pretty frustrating. Even if hearing “drop kick-uh!” is hilarious.

The Smooth Top 3 Commentary Teams

3. Jim Ross and Paul Heyman

These guys just meshed so well. Heyman’s heel remarks and amazing knowledge of the business worked brilliantly opposite JR’s uber-face shtick, and it didn’t hurt that they had some great action to describe at the time. Watching clips from that time on YouTube and WWE 24/7 is a real treat.

2. Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby “The Brain” Heenan

I am a Gorilla mark, plain and simple. For me, his voice is wrestling. Bobby Heenan is possibly the greatest heel manager of all time, and transitioned to a “broadcast journalist”, as he put it, almost seamlessly. Whereas JR and Cole and Tenay drive me batty with their clichés and catchphrases, Gorilla just made me mark out, and still does. Heenan’s were equally funny, and if you don’t agree you’re a ham-and-egger.

1. Gorilla Monsoon, Bobby “The Brain” Heenan and “Rowdy” Roddy Piper

How do you make a great commentary team better? Add one of the best talkers in the business, of course! These three may not have done a lot together (they did a lot less than I thought), but what they did sticks in my head like nothing else. Piper as the face, Brain as the heel, and Gorilla in the middle trying to stop them coming to blows.

It hurt me not to include Jesse Ventura, Monsoon and Piper, and Tony Schiavone somewhere on this list. Well, maybe not Schiavone.

The Way U C Me

Big feedback week. It seems that the way to get people to write in is to be on copious amounts of pain medication. Duly noted.

Well i hope your shoes taste good, as Katie Lea is in fact British. Actually she
was born in Germany and raised in London, so maybe that was what you were
insinuating…or did you just think she is American?

Posted By: Guest#9966 (Guest) on March 03, 2008 at 01:22 PM

Seriously? Wow. Then she has no idea how to talk. However, being born in Germany protects me from eating footwear, so that’s a plus.

What’s with the hate on the Anvil, dude? I mean he never set the world on fire,
but you seem to have it out for him. I had a whole long thing planned for this
article, but I just can’t seem to give a damn anymore to write it. Maybe RAW
won’t be just another RAW tonight. Yeah, right.

Posted By: the Mad Redneck (Guest) on March 03, 2008 at 02:33 PM

Some explanation may be required here. It is a running joke on a newsgroup I frequent that whenever the word Who is typed, a reference to Neidhart cannot be far behind. You see, back in the dark, cartoony days of WWF, someone decided they should put a mask on ol’ Anvil, and call him Who. So you see, the only answer to “Who held the tag titles with Bret Hart on 3 occasions?” is “Yes, he did!”

You know, another thing that is really a shame about the former wrestler who
will go unnamed is that the Crippler Crossface was my favorite submission hold.
I always loved that hold, and now we’ll probably never see it again. I really
wish somebody could steal it, and maybe rename it so we can take the move back.

Posted By: RavenEffect (Guest) on March 03, 2008 at 03:34 PM

Don’t hold your breath on (or is that in? Too soon?) the Crossface. Michaels busted it out once, and there was enough negative feedback to make it unlikely to be used regularly. Some Indy guy looking to make a name might do it, but it probably won’t be used in the Big 3 again.

Chris, thanks for the response! I see what you are saying about Regal, but I
still feel that him doing the “right” thing from time to time gives
him a bit more depth, and it makes sense in the post-Stone Cold era. I do agree
with you about his character involving Eugene. I also miss Eugene. 🙁

Posted By: Capt. Smooth (Guest) on March 03, 2008 at 04:02 PM

I do not miss Eugene. They could have done so much more with that idea, but instead they turned him into a jobber because Heaven forbid someone should get over by using wrestling moves. Regal is growing on me, but so does facial hair and I shave that off. We’ll see where it goes.

having nash replace don west on commentary full time is a fucking awsome idea!!
you need a heal commentator and nash has good mic skills. plus he cuold always
play the intimidator angles ala tazz/cole and also have some decent credibility
when the wrestlers try to punk the announce team ala king and tazz. i had never
thought of moving him there but now that u’ve brought it up I WANT TO SEE IT!!

Posted By: stronelis (Guest) on March 03, 2008 at 04:32 PM

Our friend with the colourful language will likely enjoy this week’s column. I was lucky enough to miss Wrestling Society X, perhaps one of our readers can enlighten me on the commentary team? Nash behind the mic would be great, but he’s not likely to agree to it. He’d probably see it as a step down.

I always liked the Million Dollar Dream as a submission hold – it could be
applied at any moment and it was great when DiBiase used to sneak up behind his
prey as the crowd booed to warn the victim. Other than that, I liked the Brock
Lock when Lesner used it for an alternative finisher.
Also, I’m probably in the minority but I’ve never quite bought Cattle
Mutilation as a finisher. It takes too long to put on and doesn’t look like it
hurts that much (although I wouldn’t tell Bryan Danielson that to his face as I
value my life!)

Posted By: Baron Skinny (Registered) on March 04, 2008 at 08:51 AM

Ah, the Million $ Dream. Or Cobra Clutch, whichever. DiBiase was great in general but watching him stalk his victims was always worth watching. I too liked the Brock Lock, but I am smacking myself for not including the Haas of Pain, which is without a doubt my favourite submission hold ever.

Hey, a GM who isn’t a sneaky SOB some of the time is something I’ve been crying
out for a very long time. The ‘Boss is Evil’ concept is tired and when someone
like Regal comes along who actually enforces the rules once in a while, it
makes for good depth and uniqueness. Regal for ever!

Posted By: Finn (Guest) on March 04, 2008 at 11:35 AM

I would agree if Regal had been impartial throughout, or at least not been so evil and ready to inhabit Vince’s buttcrack. What he’s doing now just seems out of place for him.

Well boys and girls, that’s just about Game, Set and Match. Before we disappear, though, I wanted to share with you a picture from a man known only as Killfile Victim #847238, a fellow poster on the aforementioned wrestling newsgroup. He recently attended a concert featuring the Luchagors, headlines by the one and only Amy “Lita” Dumas. In case you’re wondering, here’s how she looks these days:

No, she’s not the one with the beard. Just goes to show what wonders the WWE make-up team can do though…