The Seventh Dimension 04.11.08: Junkie Jobseekers

Unemployment. It’s probably the most painful inadequacy that any able-bodied adult can live with. It’s what makes you realise that your parents weren’t lying – childhood really IS the easiest time you’re ever likely to have before you head off to that big Dole office in the sky. It’s not just financially crippling, but emotionally so. You just feel that there’s no point in you being there, and the boredom surpasses anything you experienced as a child waiting for footie practice. I should know, as despite my very best efforts the closest I’ve come to work since leaving college is the unpaid writing I do for this site. If I didn’t have this, I think I’d probably drown in liquid cataclysm.

Mike Knox is, if sources are to be trusted, currently looking down the barrel of the same gun. After a box of steroids was found in a house that he used to share with two developmental wrestlers, a large number of people are calling for his head on a platter made from the bones of everyone he’s ever known and loved, and garnished with Amy Winehouse’s urine. While we may be denied this meal, redundancy is certainly a proposed main course for the man born Michael Hettinga.

But don’t despair! I’ll talk about my thoughts on the logistics of the situation in a while, but first it’s time to prepare for the worst. If Knox IS to be given the pink slip (hands off, Bradshaw), then he’ll have to find a new line of work. And what better place to look than his local Job Centre?

*Ahem.* It gets worse than that, believe me.

Anyway, with that travesty out of the way, let’s see what we can find for him.

Occupation: Accountant/Clerk
Hours: 9-5, 5 days out of 7, plus every alternate Saturday
Basic Wage: £14,500/$28,600 per annum
Pros: Most people work in the office at some time or another during their lives (still waiting), and an accountancy role may be just what Knox needs. Knox strikes me as a quiet man, someone who is keen to blend in with the lower tier staff and hope for something to come his way. He has aspirations, of course, but he’s not too bothered if he doesn’t fully realise them as long as he has some security. I don’t blame him, and that’s why a quiet job working with computers and data may be in his best interests. And if he lacks experience with the procedures necessary, he’ll be taught to use them as long as he wears a nice pair of shoes at his interview and doesn’t make any immigration jokes.
Cons: Because we’re talking about someone who allegedly left a crate of performance-enhancing drugs in his bedroom along with proof of his identity, there is always the worry that perhaps he is not the sharpest knife in the drawer if you catch my drift. Training tends to only last a week before the new recruit is expected to cope without too much help, and he’ll need to concentrate to his utmost during that time. As well as this, Mike needs to understand that he has a lot more responsibility in this role than he does in wrestling.
Success Rate: 70%. It depends on how eager, and able, he is to learn the trade.

Occupation: Luggage Handler
Hours:40 hours a week, flexible shifts, some Bank Holiday work required
Basic Wage: £11,000/21,700 per annum
Pros: There’s a very easy joke to be made about “having a go at doing the carrying for once”, and there it was. I just made it. But this is a nice role, as it allows a much more practical, hands-on approach than the office job. The fact that it’s based at an airport means that Mike would be working for a variety of people, most of whom he’d never need to meet. His familiarity with airports may make him feel at home, as well. Also, due to the sheer volume of work to be done, Mike would never need to be bored again. If he does get bored, he can always peel labels from the suitcases when nobody’s looking and paste them to his co-workers’ clothes. ‘Ribbing’ at its finest.
Cons: This is a job with very little margin for error. If you botch a spot in wrestling, unless you’ve injured yourself or your opponent you can just work around it and get to the same result. If you mess up in THIS role, some poor sap’s dearest belongings may just end up in a completely different country. The burden is quite tough, although at least it’ll be the entire team that gets the blame since it will be so difficult to pin it all on you. But that’s a two-way ticket, as what if Knox is one of the best to ever place bags on a conveyer belt, but some unreliable scalliwag gets him into trouble for something that wasn’t his fault? Depending on the circumstances of the steroids placement (more later), that might be Déjà vu for young Mr. Knox, and a situation he has trouble coping with.
Success Rate: 55%. He’s got the strength physically to lift all those heavy satchels and whatnot, but does he have the emotional energy for it?

Occupation: Florist
Hours: 28 hours a week, 4 days from 7, some work on Saturdays
Basic Wage: National minimum
Pros: We know from his experience with Kelly Kelly that Mike loves flowers, as we were treated to him greeting his former girlfriend with them in late 2006 on ECW on Sci-Fi. Mike’s fervor for all things foliage will come in handy in this, the loveliest of all lovely jobs. Able to go pretty much at his own pace, and with very few distractions to build his rage while he’s arranging his oleanders, Mike will find himself mellower than a drowsy sloth watching crown green bowls in Switzerland. And he’ll be getting paid for it! Other perks of the job include ten days of compensated sick leave each year, a free bouquet for every month he manages without coming in late, and obviously the expected and somewhat clichéd promise of limitless attractive ladies walking through those doors. Who knows? Maybe you’ll get to chat to a few of them? Good luck with that, but just remember to talk solely about the plants, Mike! Nobody wants to hear about your ‘protruding stem’ when their mother’s just died.
Cons: Working with flowers all day is not only repetitive, but in rare cases it can also develop hay-fever. That is the opposite of good. The alternative, however, is to wear one of those stupid face masks and risk alienating all the lovely lasses that want you to finger them…I mean, want to know about your green fingers. Yeah. Also, we surely remember what happened LAST time Mike was seen with flowers? He ended up kicking the shit out of his woman and getting chases out of the ring by Tazz. Well, Holy Vegetation if that could happen again. Imagine his manager asking him to take a little less time watering the bindweeds, with the threat of missing his lunchtime biscuit if he didn’t comply. That same supervisor would be picking petals out of his tresses before he could say “I was only winding you up, son”. And keep him away from the little greetings cards that are attached to the side of the bunches. Usually they’re sugary poems and messages of love. I can assure an agitated Mike’s alternatives would be along the lines of “Roses are red, violence is stately, stay away from that other bloke or I’ll kick you in the ‘Richard Madeley'”. A close surveillance, almost Orwellian in design, would be required to keep Knox out of the brown stuff until he found his niche.
Success Rate: 35%. He’s probably just too volatile for such a wistful environment.

Occupation: Clown
Hours: Constant traveling for about ten months in every year
Basic Wage: National minimum, plus per-show bonuses
Pros: Rather than clowning around inside the ring (“oh no, he didn’t!”), Mike could embark on a most exciting journey by joining the circus! I’m not lion to you (“ooooooh!”), it’s trapeze-y to imagine (“call Jeff Hardy, ‘cos this boy’s on fire! Wait…sorry”). In all seriousness, Mike’s so used to a hectic timetable that a transition into the world of cannons and face-paint wouldn’t be as insurmountable for him as it would for some. Plus, due to his training in professional wrestling, as well as the fact that he’s just a big fucker, Mike would probably be able to take a knock or two and willing to try his hand at some of the less dangerous stunts. And the Fučík composition that is so often associated with the big tent is totally better than Knox’s current entrance music.
Cons: The main issue with being in a circus is the same as that of being in the WWE – constant itinerant. Because Mike would be spending almost all his time away from home, it would be nigh-on impossible to juggle (“yeah ok, we get the idea”) his professional life with his personal life. On top of this, because of his size, and his evident lack of mobility, Knox might struggle somewhat with more difficult tasks like the tightrope or contortionism. He doesn’t NEED to learn these, of course, but it’s possibly better to get to grips with as much as he can, so that he doesn’t end up grappling (“please stop”) with dung maintenance. If he doesn’t learn the ropes (“kill me”), then before long he could be so short of cash and so restless, that he’ll end up tapping out (“kill us all”) to the demands of the ringmaster (“THAT’S E-oh, my mistake”), and be forced to cup his balls! (“…”) Juggling balls? (“…”) Well, anyway, this idea is not one to be taken lightly.
Success Rate: 25%. It depends how much he wants it, really. If he doesn’t want to be a clown, maybe he shouldn’t join the circus and become a clown. If he DOES want to be a clown…well, bon apetite. Fill your boots. Just don’t be surprised if Poliakoff shits himself in his grave. Or if Big Josh throws an axe at you from the audience during the ‘Wheel of Death’ illusion.

Occupation: Black Cougar
Hours: Every second of every day in which children are at risk
Basic Wage: Nothing but the sweet satisfaction of doing something good
Pros: Watch out Benoits world-over, because there’s a new hero ready to foil your evil, absolutely NOT injury-induced plans! Thanks to American Inventor, society shall never again have to worry about its kids being in any danger. Professor Silvio DiSalvatore has created a massive cat to protect all infant citizens on earth. And where does Mike Knox come into it? Well, we already know from the audition clip that the man inside the suit is called Mike, so he at least has that going for him. Plus, since the original is surely a very busy feline, you’d have to think he’d need another that he could trust to get the job done in areas that he is unable to get to in time. And Mike already has experience wearing a mask – he was part of Muhammed Hassan’s terrorist cell! But also, wouldn’t it just be awesome to disassociate yourself from all the corporate lemons and politics of the wrestling world that has shunned you, and take to the streets smacking teenagers around and nicely asking paedophiles to leave their respective neighbourhoods? I know I would. Also, I’m not sure what the Cougar’s main powers are supposed to be, but it HAS to be something better than the generic spinning facebuster/‘Testdrive’ move that Knox has used as a finisher since dinosaurs roamed.
Cons: The pay for a superhero isn’t very good, as it’s mostly just grateful handshakes and hugs. However, he would get royalties for any interviews he did or comics that were produced. The only other potential obstacle is that Gregory Helms might just punch him multiple times in the face if they ever were to meet. But that’s a long shot at best.
Success Rate: 100+% and *****. In reality, if Silvio is looking to take Black Cougar mainstream, he could do a lot worse than seek out a legitimate ‘superstar’ of World Wrestling Entertainment to help with his plight. Similarly, Knox’s popularity could definitely profit from being connected with such a positive role model.

And finally, of course (WARNING: Totally baseless ‘smarkasm’ coming up), he could…

Oh, dear. It’s funny because I’m terrified.

Now then, all joking/‘Good Samaritan-ing’ aside, this is a very precarious situation that both the WWE and Mike Knox find themselves in. Mike in particular is in a real pickle, but the company is also somewhat implicated here. With all the stigma lately over the use of steroids, the death of Eddie Guerrero after years of using them that contributed to his heart attack, and of course the circumstances with Signature Pharmacy, WWE is often vilified by the press. While I don’t think the media has any set agenda to bring down wrestling, it DOES have a general strategy of pretty much destroying everything it can unless it’s in support of the troops. Thus, when something like this is leaked – especially given Vince McMahon’s very bold declarations that the Wellness Policy is as authentic, and its punishments as stringent, as those of any valid sport – it can only be a bad thing for the WWE.

Thankfully, it would seem due to other items found in the vicinity that the drugs found were ordered before the Wellness Program was put into place. Whether or not this registers with the majority public is another matter entirely, but it should at least satisfy FANS. What WWE needs to push now is the fact that there are, in fact, many on the roster who are thus far not even insinuated with such practices. Batista and Orton are NOT eligible for such a claim, as they were both on the list of customers during the aforementioned scandal last year. But they have Cena, MVP, Shelton Benjamin, Chris Jericho, a newly re-motivated Carlito and, arguably most important of all, they have CM Punk at their disposal – a man who possesses a World title shot at any time in the next year. In 1992, after the original steroid scandal, Vince McMahon took a chance and put the WWF Championship on Bret Hart. This time around, he doesn’t even need to see it as any kind of risk. He already has four believable champions from that list and two that could theoretically be built quite easily.

So where does that leave Knox? Well, my suggestion would be pretty much where he’s always been – in that purgatory known as ‘Heat main-event status’ and jerking the curtain for major shows in dark matches, with the occasional renewed push that results in nothing more than two wins over Stevie Richards before losing to the top babyface on ECW and restarting the cycle. In other words, I think his job is safe.

Why? Well, three reasons. Firstly, he hasn’t officially been found to have done anything wrong yet. If the steroids were obtained legally then there’s no problem anyway, but if the steroids were obtained illegally (or ‘beneath lawful practice’, if we’re being politically correct) but BEFORE the Wellness policy was brought into play, there’s every chance the WWE will go easy on him and just serve him a suspension to deter other employees from making a similar mistake. If it’s discovered he bought the steroids illegally AND after February 2006, then he’s absolutely fucked and I can have no sympathy for him. But that possibility is still far from being confirmed as fact, so I think he needs to be given the benefit of the doubt until then.

Secondly, who’s to say that these were even Mike’s drugs? It’s already been established that Mike shared the house with Derrick Neikirk and Ryan O’Reilly, two former developmental talents. Ryan asked for his release, along with his girlfriend, as he realised in the nick of time that he lacked the dedication necessary to make the main roster. Neikirk, meanwhile, was released due to a Wellness violation. That, to me, triggers a huge siren behind my eyes. Would Knox, or anyone for that matter, really be foolish enough to leave a WWE CONTRACT inside a massive box of needles and vials? No matter how well-hidden it is, that’s asking for a slap. There’s a much better chance that the MEMO was a mistake, as the date on it seemingly exonerates Knox to an extent. Therefore, and this is nothing but speculation and may very well turn out to be bullshit, my guess is that Neikirk planted the evidence on Knox after his own release out of spite and jealousy. And I know people have joked about “why would anyone be jealous of Mike Knox?” Come on, though – the answer to that question, and you know it deep down, is pretty much every single failed wrestler and wrestling fan who ever wanted to make in out onto that stage. If Neikirk IS responsible, it wasn’t down to an envy of Mike Knox in particular, but just an envy of what Neikirk could have accomplished had he not made a mess of it.

The third and final reason is that, in all ethical actuality, this isn’t anywhere near as big a deal as is being made out on these pages. “Wrestlers take steroids” is pretty much regarded as second nature these days. That’s the problem, and one that WWE should very well try and fix, but firing Mike Knox would not be the way to go about it. As I’ve mentioned above, Mike Knox must be fired if he knowingly broke the law AND infringed the Wellness Policy at the same time. But that’s the ONLY way that this can result in his dismissal. The sad fact is that most of those saying that Mike Knox should have his contract terminated were already firmly against him due to his in-ring work. It’s proven almost impossible, time after time, to be impartial and objective when you genuinely can’t stand somebody based on what you see on TV, and the result is a whole lot of hot-headedness. It happened in the aftermath of the Montreal Screwjob. It happened when Owen Hart was killed. It happened just a few months ago with Bobby Lashley. It happened in the reverse with Mr. Kennedy when he was suspended. Heck, it’s STILL happening both ways with the Benoit tragedy. And it looks like it’s happening again now with Mike Knox.

Mike Knox is nowhere near as big a deal as any of those names, granted. But that’s not a good enough reason to make an example of him for the sake of appeasing Nancy Grace and the other vampires. Mike Knox simply cannot be made a scapegoat if it transpires that he’s done nothing more than naively create smoke where there isn’t fire.

He can, however, be ridiculed as much as humanly afforded.

The ‘F’ stands for “Find me innocent, good lady justice!”

From an episode of ‘Harry Hill’s TV Burp’:

kazhw
Harry hill

o_O

Apparently, the uploader of the video was just as bemused:

MrHfan41
errrm…..thanks for that…

Yeah, thanks a lot. That ranks alongside “sonic”, “hardys”, “wrestling”, and “andrew dice clay poetry” (the video’s description was something like “Andrew Dice Clay recites some of his poetry”), as one of the most pointless ‘comments’ I’ve ever seen in my life. That’s including the myriad posts of “first comment”, “lol”, and even SPAM that I see flooding Youtube’s near-infinite bandwidth every day. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that, in my years of blood-boiling browsing on the site, only the line “Giant Gonzalez sucks because he is Khali” has made me more inclined to strangle something due to sheer stupidity.

I actually did see a similarly (in fact, arguably, even more) aggravating comment in the field of – gasp! – professional wrestling this week, but I couldn’t find it again. The upshot of it was that the idiot responsible for writing it believes that Vince McMahon isn’t really the owner of the WWE, that he’s just an actor, and that the real owner has never been seen onscreen. And why did he come to this conclusion? Because “wrestling isn’t real”. And you might all think “well, go easy on the kid. Do you take some perverse pleasure in humiliating children due to their natural lack of understanding?” And you’d have a point, if this guy wasn’t TWENTY-SEVEN! To which you are now undoubtedly thinking “Wow, that IS retarded, you are right to mock him and we are sorry for doubting your integrity earlier”. Apology accepted.

Maybe there should be a ‘Commentube.com’ where people can just type whatever crap they want without detracting from any videos. Or maybe I should just stop nit-picking and using my position as a columnist to malign others. But then, that would be about two thirds of my article scrapped.

‘Oooh, yeah!’, my sign-off ever since I started writing here (apart from the sardonic hugs and kisses below, of course), is now scrapped in favour of ‘Bye.’ The reason for this is that over the months I have received a number of messages, some of which negative, pertaining to my ostensible liking of Randy Savage. In fact, ‘Oooh, yeah!’ is a running joke between me and about four friends, and has nothing to do with the Macho Man. It was a reference to the final line of the band Blur’s ‘Song 2′, and is used by us in order to arrogantly state that we have taken the upper hand in a debate and are therefore ending the conversation.

Glad I was able to clear that up. Until next week, keep breathing.