Happy-Go-Sucky News Report 06.11.08

Are we all sitting comfortably? Then let’s begin!

News: Raw’s big $1 million Giveaway fails to spike ratings as it draws a 3.0

Happy: Well, maybe now Vince will realise that we don’t want puerile humour, 5-minute matches, watered-down movesets and the same people on the top ALL THE TIME. Seriously, the highlight of last night’s Raw was Vince getting RickRolled, and that’s a sad state of affairs. Oh, I suppose the Highlight Reel was good, but that whole situation should be Michaels and someone who needs the rub, not Jericho. Jericho himself should be helping get some young star over.

Go Sucky: I am legitimately worried about Vince McMahon. With rumours starting to circulate that he may not be fully in charge of his mental faculties, and with what we’ve seen in the recent past, my fear is that he takes this latest blow as a sign that he needs to get crazier. They were beating 3.0 with nothing asking people to watch, so if anything this promotion has caused regulars to turn off and casuals to turn on. Not what you want, because when the contest goes, so do the casuals. Really, what was there last night to make them come back?

News: RoH standout Bryan Danielson wrestled in, and won, a dark match on Raw.

Happy: Not only is Danielson simply incredible in the ring, he also has a certain charisma that stands him apart from most Indy guys. He’s a more charismatic Chris Benoit, able to just be the intense machine but also capable of talking without sounding like the guy who says “Message CM 37…”. His dark match win was not against another Indy guy, or even Random Developmental Jobber, but rather Lance Cade, a guy that management have been high on for a while and are trying to push. This augurs well for fans of Danielson and of good wrestling, as we may be hearing “I have til 5!” on Tuesday nights very soon.

Go Sucky: Poor RoH fans. Punk, Cabana, Sydal and now possibly Danielson gone to WWE in a relatively short time. Wait! What’s that you say? Of course! Danielson is under contract until May 2009 with RoH, so for him to go to WWE now would require co-operation on the part of RoH management. Not to mention that Danielson has repeatedly denied any interest in going there. Even if he DOES sign, it could be terrible for him and his fans: WWE has a tendency to water down movesets. Right, CM Punk?

News: Jimmy Wang Yang is an idiot

Happy: I’m starting to think that all these Wellness suspensions might be a good thing. For one thing, it gives the media sensationalists some proof that the program is working. It also shows kids who may be looking up to these wrestlers as role models that cheating and taking shortcuts will not work in the long run. Finally, it hits wrestlers where it hurts: the wallet. Even the hardest-core of the dopeheads and roid monkeys will think twice about it if they have to go 2 months without pay.

Go Sucky: Sure, the program works and it dissuades people from shooting up. Then why are people still getting caught? You’d think that, by now, these geniuses would have realised that eventually it will catch up with you. Unless you’ve had multiple World title runs.

News: TNA contracted worker dies after falling from Slammiversary set.

Happy: I want to preface this by saying that there is never ANYTHING happy about an innocent person losing their life. The only minor positive that one can draw from this is that maybe it will cause TNA and WWE to instigate more safety measures for their workers. Scaffolding is dangerous stuff. We don’t know what happened or if something failed, but we do know that another worker was injured, either losing a finger or his whole hand, depending on which report you believe. Hopefully this, combined with the pyro incident at Wrestlemania, will make WWE and TNA realise that the only people taking risks should be the in-ring talent.

Go Sucky: The thoughts and prayers of the 411mania family go out to the family of this man. The crazy part is this: the man died when the scaffolding he was climbing collapsed. The fall is said to have been less than 20 feet. Kind of puts things like Elevation X, Jeff Hardy stunts, and Foley in Hell in a Cell in a whole different light, doesn’t it? What are we asking these people to do, these people that entertain us for a living?

News: RoH announces Jerry Lynn and Naomichi Marufuji for upcoming shows.:

Happy: Starting with Lynn. He can still go, and is a recognisable name to semi-serious wrestling fans who haven’t checked out RoH yet. A match with McGuinness could be on par with the fabulous Danielson-Lance Storm match from Better than our Best a few years ago.

As for Marufuji coming to Toronto, where I will personally be…

NUMEROUS PURCHASES~!

Marufuji can be awesomeness in a bottle. With gold pants. As if I wasn’t stoked enough. I’m turning into a mark for this show.

Go Sucky: I worry that RoH will bring Lynn in regularly, which will decrease the special-ness of the appearances he makes. Nostalgia in small doses is great. In large amounts, it’s not nostalgia any more.

With Marufuji, he’s not exactly the first choice Japanese talent. The Shiranui is getting tired, he’s not as flashy as a KENTA or as markworthy as a Kobashi or Misawa…he’ll sell tickets, but this isn’t as huge as it could be. Yeah, I’m stretching for a Sucky here.

News: Wrestlemania paid attendance estimated at 63,101 with 11,000 plus comped tickets.

Happy: Yeah, there’s a positive to this. In the time of their worst ratings slump in years, WWE still managed to pull over 63,000 to a pay per view with expensive tickets. Of course, the WWE haters, who by and large are TNA fans as well (NOTE: I did NOT say all TNA fans are WWE haters), are doing their best Nelson Muntz impressions at the revelation. 11,000 plus FREE tickets to the biggest show of the year? I’m rapidly starting to like TNA again, but I do have to point out that TNA would kill to have 11,000 people PERIOD at a pay per view, free or paid. Don’t even mention the 63,000 who paid for tickets. This is not terrible news for WWE, especially with PPV buys a shade under 1.1 million.

Go Sucky: There’s a world of difference between “Not bad news” and “All good news”. Spin it how you will, the fact is that WWE had to give away 11,000 tickets to the biggest wrestling show of the year. 20 years ago they sold 93,000. 10 years ago it would have been an unprecedented disaster not to sell out Wrestlemania, and you can bet it would have been lampooned on Nitro the next night. Hell, even 5 years ago this news would have been met with weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth. At some point the coin has to drop and someone in WWE has to realise that people aren’t gonna pay those type of prices for half-assed wrestling and Playboy Bunny matches.

Rapid Fire!!1!~!!1!!11!

Dr Astin pleads not guilty… Well duh. What’s he going to do, admit to it?

TNA announces Chicago as the venue for Bound for Glory…They’d better bring the goods, because Chicago crowds are right up there with Philly, NYC and Toronto for shitting on Russo-isms.

Torrie Wilson’s back surgery was successful… They could probably have done spinal work without breaking the skin.

Orton will not need surgery… They can’t insert a personality surgically.

Roddy Piper may be getting a new Protégé… He won’t buy American. This worked so well last time…but I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know.