Wacky Wrestling Theory 6.12.08: Great Place for a Date

I believe that live pro-wrestling events, although dork-centric and embarrassingly stocked with stupid looking children and an inordinate amount of slow adults, can be an effective place for a young man to take a woman on a date. Sounds pretty wacky huh? Atmosphere, artistic element, and cultural anthropology are all aspects of the live pro-wrestling experience that can be manipulated to make a man seem intelligent and cool, in contrast to his poor surroundings. A woman’s negative preconceived notions about pro-wrestling can be used to a man’s advantage as long as he plans carefully and knows what parts of the show need to be properly observed.

Dating TV shows, like the once popular Blind Date, had to often find interesting scenarios to stage the first half of the date, and women were impressed by a guy who wanted to do something other than just get her drunk as quickly as possible and try to sloppily talk her into bed. A date at a pro-wrestling show will provide that unique activity, and let ‘you’, the male fan, a chance to act naturally and hopefully turn all of those hours of top ten list debate and intricate nit-picking into charm. But you have got to remember to be a man not a super-fan! You have got to sniper that knowledge in a way that makes the girl horny for you and not turned off by your geekiness. It’s a fine line. Don’t worry, if you’re not that cool in real life, I do have some tips for how you can achieve this goal.

This article will include advice exclusively for heterosexual male readers, although take note gay men and various women, because you may find some dating tips in here as well, or at least a defense against crafty lotharios. A number of provisos should be initially taken into account, firstly that the older the age group the more successful this strategy should be on a woman, as I think an 18 year old girl might be less charmed by a wrestling experiment than a 25 year old. Also, the person you are taking on the date should be a non-fan of pro-wrestling in order for this theory to be effective. This article assumes you are going to a big production wrestling show. Small artsy fringe shows like Kaiju Big Battel or Incredibly Strange Wrestling would also be effective dating activities but in a different way. In this case I will focus on the WWE and would seriously recommend avoiding ‘smart’ fan filled independent shows like ROH or even TNA for a date with a non-fan female. And finally before we begin, this article does take into account that you have some sort of tact with women and that you are not going to take her there and then get frustrated when she talks over a ‘good part’ or that you will not stumble all over your own words like some kind of idiot.

Okay, here we go. The atmosphere for the show should be your main selling point for the date. Don’t tell her how cool the wrestlers are or how important this TV taping is for the next pay-per-view. You must explain that going to see live pro-wrestling can be a way to get a glimpse at a very unique aspect of culture and society. As well, there is no doubt that the atmosphere at a WWE house show can be thrilling to a non-fan. I don’t think that they expect the production value of the pyro and intense entrances of wrestlers like HHH, John Cena, Randy Orton or the Undertaker, which combine theatrics, a unique level of crowd enthusiasm, and specially tailored musical numbers. This kind of spectacle could be a nice surprise to a female non-fan who thought that she might just be going to see a bunch of screaming, sweaty guys roll around together in their underwear. By giving her a subtle sense that she is going to be surprised by the visual experience without exaggeration, along with claiming that she is going to exposed anthropologically to some aspects of society that she couldn’t safely see anywhere else, you should be able to get her to agree to accompany you to the show out of pure intellectual curiosity.

The most important part of the pro-wrestling date is choosing the seats. Therefore, you want her to sit somewhere that she can casually observe the surroundings, get a broad view of the ring and entrance ramp, and yet not be distracted by obnoxious people. Obtaining seats in the lower bowl of the arena would be the most effective for this role. Sitting in the upper deck is too close to the cheap seat wackos who tend to get inebriated and yell out any number of offensive things as the night progresses. In the ringside area you will have to stand up too often and it is also full of kids who run around constantly trying to rush the railings before and after matches. The middle of the seating area will give you a perfect vantage point to comfortably observe the spectacle of the show, seat you safely from the most rowdy fans and give you the best place to have a conversation during the lulls in the show.

You should have a good sense of timing in order to pace out the experience. At different points during the evening you may want to take the opportunity to walk around, maybe get some food or alcohol, and observe the view from different parts of the venue. Due to this movement, I would suggest getting tickets that are on the end of the aisle so that you can get up and leave easily without disrupting the fans in your row (or to even avoid being sandwiched among obnoxious super-fans).

The best time to leave your seats would be during women’s matches since you do not want to look like you know too much about the exploitive and pornographically sexualized women wrestlers in the WWE because you’ll seem desperate and dorky, whereas feigning disinterest in these gorgeous women could win you some points for respectability. Also you could take a walk around during some of the bigger matches, like ones featuring Shawn Michaels or Chris Jericho. Stay through the evocative entrances but get up during the actual match content since it could be long and moderately exciting, which is not good because you don’t want to get too into it and forget you are on a date.

Observing the fans in attendance can be a big part of the fun for a non-fan. I would recommend bringing binoculars, but not to observe the wrestling from close up as she may think at first. Once the arena is starting to fill up, pass off the binoculars and tell her to get a close up on some of the fans in the stands. I have been to many events in the past with non-fans who found the wild collection of people around the arena to be a significantly bigger source of entertainment than the wrestling in the ring. You have the wacky gangs of super happy casual fans that have a macho pro-sports, high-fiving mentality and tend to act foolish in public. Then there are the hillbilly-ish countryside families, which might be fascinating to see for a city girl. Of course there are also the physical freaks that she may not have the manners to stare at in public but at wrestling she could gawk in plain sight. And finally the super fans with ridiculous yet creative signs, overly decorated in merchandise, and possibly in costume. Exposure to an arena full of this unique and boisterous sample the weirdest fringes of society could be hilarious to your date. This level of people watching may be cruel but remember this is about stimulating a female, so you are not technically being judgmental.

Taking a date to a pro-wrestling should help to show off your intelligence. Whether it is true or not, you must attempt to make it clear to the female that you are not a complete super fan but that you enjoy pro-wrestling for the cultural aspect. As most intelligent pro-wrestling fans can attest, there are many levels upon which wrestling can be enjoyed. Outside of the mark, smark, smart and bark types of fans, there can also be a detached observer who omnisciently sees all aspects of fandom and can describe and discern the intricacies of each for anthropological purposes; the ‘steak eater’ as I like to call them. This type of fan should be able to succinctly describe the nuances of pro-wrestling as an art form to a non-fan.

The best types of matches for a ‘steak eater’ to be able to display his intelligence to a woman would be during those featuring lower card wrestlers. These matches typically include one veteran attempting to help a younger wrestler hone his craft, so there can be limitless potential for academic level observation on theatrics, dramatis, and technicality. And since lower card matches are often met with quiet yet appropriate response from the crowd, this makes for a good time to show off. For example, if you are watching a match between Val Venis and DH Smith, you would have the opportunity to explain the nuances of a pro-wrestling match rather than just point out storyline background or why someone is popular. You can dissect the simple art of the punch or the stomp as used by a technically precise wrestler like Val, showing how he gracefully administers the move without actually hurting his opponent yet still appearing violent, and on the other hand you can admire his ability to display the pain from the impact of receiving a punch. A match like this could have many rest holds, which would give you a good chance to explain the reason for rest holds, why a young wrestling like DH Smith might find it necessary in a long match, and how they are talking to each other slyly during these downtimes. If explained with the right amount of gravitas you should come across as an intellectual observer of a form of culture and not just a super-fan who is smart about the way the illusion is perpetrated.

If you are a pro-wrestling fan, the chances are you are not traditionally of the ‘cool’ persuasion, at least not by the ‘Gossip Girl’ measure of things. Therefore, if you go out to a restaurant, bar, or even the movies on a date, there is a chance that you might not come across as the coolest, best looking, funniest or smartest person in the crowd. However, at a pro-wrestling event, if you act correctly, you can appear to be one of the best catches in an arena of thousands. This may be a special effect, but it can be used to your advantage.

Arguably the crowd at a WWE event can be filled with the drunken, out of shape, foul mouthed rejects that could make the bleachers at a double A baseball game seem sophisticated. With a little delicacy you can successfully start to distance yourself from those grotesquely unattractive men by dressing respectably, like say in a simple ensemble from the Gap. As well, the comments yelled by fans through-out an event are sometimes funny but most often groan inducingly lame, and thus you have the perfect opportunity to mock somebody else. For example, if somebody yelled out, “That’s gonna leave a mark!” after a big move in the ring, you can easily roll your eyes at your date and ask what nursing home that loser got his old joke from. Although it’s not a high level comeback it’s the kind of simple stuff that would justifiably appear to be alpha male considering your environment. Knowing ahead of time about the sheer number of stupid chants, lame one-liners, and weird looking people should provide you with plenty of time to prepare comebacks and simple zingers. If you play it right, shockingly you can actually coming out looking cool from a wrestling event rather than like a geek.

Previously I recommended getting up to walk around during some of the bigger matches, but I think that you should definitely stay through the entire main event, assuming you last that long. By the end of the night she could be enraptured by the flurry of sensations that usually accompany any main event, and may have developed an ironic enjoyment of the show and actually want to physically react; act like the natives so to speak. I think you can judge her level of horniness by her reactions at this point. If she is enthusiastically participating in the show by ‘boo’-ing the bad guys and cheering for the hero, you most likely have effectively turned her on. Be warned though, this is a highly risky date choice and I think that you have to be sensitive to the mood of a non-fan female and you should be willing to abandon the whole experiment, no matter how bad you may want to see the main event.

Before I finish this up, I would like to add a couple of pro-wrestling dating ‘no-no’s. First of all, don’t attempt to try this with a prostitute. Yes, I recognize that the hard part is getting the girl to agree to go out on a date with you in the first place, let alone to go see wrestling, but attempting to seduce a prostitute with this dating strategy is foolish. Secondly, don’t bring other friends along with you. In some cases maybe a group can work well for your dating strategy, but in this situation you want to appear to be an intelligent observer of the culture and not a member of a club of geeky fans. And finally, as much as it may seem like I am advocating an egotistical projection of superiority over the wrestling product, I think that you should not try to overly mock the wrestling or openly admit that it could be lame or stupid. No matter how ‘above’ the geeky aspects of the experience you pretend to be, you should always try to make it apparent that you ‘love’ pro-wrestling. This sense of passion and commitment combined with your examples of knowledge and cultural savvy, will definitely impress a woman on a date, who in theory should have already been interested in you in the first place. Once she sees this side of you she will be susceptible to more forward sexual advances, I guarantee it!

You may find these tips to be useful, or on the other hand you may find it to be nothing more than hacky bullshit reminiscent of Mystery the Pick-Up Artist. Regardless, there is no denying that the intelligent among you will be able to use your pro-wrestling fandom as a resource for getting laid, not as a detriment. And for every maturing, post-pubescent geek who I have saved from abandoning pro-wrestling in order to pursue the torture of attempting to impress freakishly fickle females, just the fact that this article has given you a smidgen of hope that it doesn’t have to be that way is reward enough for me.