Wacky Wrestling Theory 6.26.08: ROH

#10 – Jimmy Jacobs’ Age of the Fall hair style
The Age of the Fall was supposed to bring terror, revolution and anarchy to the ranks of ROH, and arguably they have at times, but I’ve taken the most joy in my bewilderment in the frizzled, magenta tinged, birds nest comically strewn across the head of ultra-serious movement leader Jimmy Jacobs. This hairstyle is the antithesis of authoritative or intense, and yet for some reason I cannot avert my eyes.

This Napoleonic mess menaces as much as a Water Buffalo hat, or even Hiroshi Tanahashi! The fact that I find it funny to look at is what I love about it, because his commitment to acting emo-cool while simultaneously tough and violent with such a wacky hairstyle is awesomely great. Who knows, maybe he’ll do for visual goth-rock hairstyles in the pro-wrestling world what Bret Hart did for pink singlets.

#9 – Takeshi Morishima
Speaking of unintentional cuteness, how about that lovable tough-guy Morishima? As much as ROH tried to rile him up and make him a super badass, I couldn’t help but see a soft and goofy good guy inside all of that cowboy hat-ed, feather boa wrapped bravado. Maybe it’s his girly haircut, his particularly thin eyes that make him look like he’s always smiling or his stuffed animal pudgy physique, but I find him strangely cute.

From my understanding, Morishima has long been saddled with a pin-up cutesy personality in his native Japan, and he’s only recently been able to slightly shake it off, and it has made me wonder if his violent reign as ROH champion last year was kind of like if Pro-Wrestling NOAH took Bobby Dempsey and made him into an ass kicking world title threat. Here’s to hoping NOAH feels like they need to pay ROH back one day.

#8 – The Larry Sweeny Show
Speaking of Bobby Dempsey, he was the co-star of this ‘controversial’ segment at the Sixth Anniversary show earlier this year. From my perspective, I thought this skit that featured mega-heel manager Larry Sweeney knocking out a woman and then jokingly simulating her rape was consistent with ROH’s ability at presenting interesting and coherent characters, and in a comedic fashion as savvy as anything on the Simpson’s, South Park or the Family Guy.

When reports first came out about this skit, the Internet was full of the old-school reactionary hyperbole that had me warmly remembering the fury at which people once attacked Eric Bischoff on the newsgroups of old. ROH, for some reason, actually responded to this irrational criticism and almost removed the segment from the history books completely. When the scene was thankfully re-added to the DVD, some fans then criticized the editing job ROH did, removing too much of the actual incident for fair evaluation, but when I finally viewed it I found it to be seamless, shocking and entertaining, as should be the goal of the ROH video production team.

The brilliance of all involved made a cynical viewer like myself waver in my appreciation for the Larry Sweeney character because of the way he ‘crossed the line’ by insinuating, and then ‘forcing,’ his losery sidekick Bobby Dempsey to take sexual advantage of a knocked out Allison Danger. That kind of disgust was the exact effect a cartoonish molestation should have, yet it reserved just the right amount of irony to allow any non-demented, halfway intelligent fan watching to revel in the evilness of pro-wrestling’s last true bad guy.

#7 – Prince Nana Nostalgia
Speaking of great managers, Prince Nana, leader of the once powerful Embassy in ROH may trump Larry Sweeny for sheer delusional grandeur and casually powerful humor. Whereas Sweeny feels like a master’s thesis on managerial madness, Nana was as realistic and captivating as a Martin Lawrence drug years improv. Nothing could illustrate this better than his offensive and angering abuse of Jade Chung being regularly more believable and despicable than the comedic relationship between Sweeny and Bobby Dempsey.

Prince Nana was like a wacky version of Smallville’s Lex Luthor with an impossible to place accent, and a claim to Ghana royalty you just wanted to believe. Nana was most brilliant in his support of the then obscure Jimmy Rave as his ‘crown jewel.’ In the Ring of Honor landscape at the time of his acclimation, Jimmy Rave was hardly an impact player, yet Nana talked him up like he was the second coming of Loki. There were few managers I’ve seen in recent memory who were more amusing when being foiled or celebrating a small success, and those parties Prince Nana threw in my imagination are often missed when I see the ending credits of ROH DVDs these days.

#6 – DVD Covers
Speaking of ROH DVDs, I’ve often thought that the ROH production values were quite good, and highly underrated considering that they are an independent company. There is only one thing that jars me about the visual presentation of a company that presents such a sophisticated wrestling product, and that is how the DVD cover art work is regularly excruciatingly bad or cheesy. Now, I’m not claiming to be an expert graphic designer any more than I’m claiming to be able to work a wrestling match, but the layouts, fonts, and photo choices are usually so wacky that I almost think that it must be intentional. In fact, I think that these are such one of a kind, inept representations of such a high quality program, that I’ve actually started to like the covers now.

This may sound like a negative, and perhaps at first it was, but I’ve since grown to appreciate and even anticipate the DVD covers, almost at the level of camp. Nothing shouts campy goodness better than a cropped photo of Jack Evans in his do-rag and undershirt as seen in this example of a recent DVD cover that may illustrate the unique quality that I now cozy up to for comfort:

#5 – BJ Whitmer
Speaking of transformations, I’m a big fan of the gimmick hopping BJ Whitmer. Although currently on hiatus from ROH, Whitmer was the kind of guy who reinvented himself so many times, he could never bore you, regardless of what the critics had to say. In my opinion, his often-sited reputation for being boring is like trying to call the Brothers Karamazov a boring book.

My Top Five BJ Whitmer ROH Personas:
5 – Prophecy BJ
4 – Short haired, Hangm3n lackey
3 – Anti-Prophecy BJ
2 – Silently frustrated member of Lacey’s Angels
1 – ROH Defender

On top of everything else, the dude has made a reputation for being a bad ass, ass kicker in spite of his first name being the sometimes popular acronym for an incredibly un-painful, oral sex act.

# 4 – Lacey
Speaking of blow jo… I mean, former members of Lacey’s Angels, what ROH fan hasn’t fallen in love with the wickedly insane Lacey? In the right lighting (as in, anything not produced by WSX) Lacey can look particularly gorgeous, but her looks are not the wacky reason for being on this list; it’s her bitchiness.

As much credit as Jimmy Jacobs gets for his character turn during his ‘Lacey love’ storyline drama, it was the magic of Lacey’s unrelenting bitchiness that truly highlighted the deft skill ROH has at creating the environment for compelling storytelling. Lacey did not bend easily to Jacobs’ wooing; in fact she treated Jimmy like such a piece of shit for so long that it actually became charming. It was as if ROH wanted you to feel how someone can literally fall in love with a realistic and flawed character, rather than pull the trigger on her ‘sweetness’ turn too early. I respected and desired the ‘bitch’ Lacey as Jimmy kept her on the pedestal no matter how much she berated him, and it takes a great performance from the woman behind ‘Lacey’ to achieve this kind of transcendent character development in a female valet role, especially in such short serialized segments on a show with no regular television and a rare focus on non-ring related drama.

#3 – Third Anniversary Celebration
Speaking of hot chicks, my favorite ROH Anniversary is the trio of cards that made up the Third Anniversary Celebration. Recognizing the anniversary of their first show, is one of the big events on the ROH calendar, and here is what I think are the top five anniversaries in ROH history:

5 – 2nd Anniversary Show
4 – 6th Anniversary Show
3 – Fifth Year Festival
2 – 4th Anniversary Show
1 – Third Anniversary Celebration

Of all the Anniversary events, this third year trio of celebratory cards has to go down as the wackiest best. The first show has the great and hilarious confrontation between Samoa Joe, Mick Foley and Cactus/Ebessan Jack. The second show has the debut of the ridiculous Air Devils name that the fans chose for the Matt Sydal and Fast Eddie tag team. The third night had Colt Cabana interview Bobby Heenan. All top wacky moments in ROH history.

The true stand out moment of the series for me (and in all wrestling ever!) was the ending of the cage match between Colt Cabana and Austin Aries on the first night. This ending did something that only ROH at times has been able accomplish, and that was surprise me with the outcome even though I knew the result before I watched the show. I didn’t think it was possible for Aries to retain the title in the closing moments of the match and was gawk-jawed at his sprinting dive through the ropes and out the door in order to beat a cage climbing Cabana by a nano-second to the floor. That is still one of the most expertly timed and daring moments I’ve ever seen in pro-wrestling.

But there are also awesome chapters in some of ROH’s greatest rivalries at the Third Anniversary Celebration, such as the highly touted first match between Spanky and James Gibson that displayed the shockingly underutilized potential of the recent (at the time) WWE releases. There were also matches between Aries/Joe, Punk/Rave, Nigel/Cabana, and two matches in the phenomenally underrated Bryan Danielson/Homicide feud. This Best of 5 series were interconnected, wild chapters in a coherent in-ring story, and the first show featured the Taped Fist match, and an extra wacky Falls Count Anywhere match at the third show. These were golden age ROH moments in their prime.

#2 – Greatest Modern Wrestling Rivalry – Danielson / McGuiness
Speaking of great American Dragon rivalries, he is also a part of what I consider to be the single greatest rivalry in modern pro-wrestling. Call me wacky, but I don’t think anything in recent memory has been as thrilling and powerful as the match-ups between these two. Unlike TNA or WWE, when ROH realized that they had two wrestlers with fantastic, possibly historic chemistry, they didn’t drive their matches into the ground on four straight shows. Each match they’ve had has made logical sense in the continuity of their feud, a rivalry that is more about respect and countering the other man in the ring than any long winded speeches or contrived storylines. And unlike the more famous Samoa Joe/CM Punk ROH rivalry, Danielson/McGuiness has a deeper competitive flair, a more violent mood, and a desperation to truly prove who is the best in the world. I think their rivalry is only comparable to Shawn Michaels and Bret Hart, Flair and Steamboat or Stone Cold and Kurt Angle, and the way everything eventually cumulates will measure just how high it will be considered on the list of all-time feuds and not just among those of the modern era; but I’m betting it’ll be near the top.

#1 – This Means War – Main Event
Speaking of the top, here we are at number one, and I’ve chosen to spotlight what I consider to be the best complete ROH card. At least the best low profile show, but I’d put it up, match-for-match, against any of the top rated shows. Aside from the great under card, I’ve always marveled at the main event of this show, the ‘shoot stiff’ ROH title match between Bryan Danielson and Roderick Strong. Although these two would go on to have many great matches, this one is their masterpiece because of its sheer brutality and ability to transcend the regular boundaries of pro-wrestling. To those who haven’t seen it, get a hold of this show pronto because this match must be seen!

In the early stages of the match there seems to be some animosity created between the two that is subtly incorporated into the professional subtext of the match. The moves and strikes become increasingly realistic, and even the ‘apparent’ match calling by Danielson seems to be a boastful and forceful challenge to Roderick to a real fight. It’s like you are watching two people who hate each other at the office have to work together on a project, and as they are trying to undermine each other at the same time they want to make sure that the final product is still perfect and engaging.

The ending still makes me wonder what was going on when I re-watch it, as a ‘knocked-out’ Danielson, regains his senses, seems pissed and quickly puts Strong in a move I’ve still never seen used in wrestling again, a very MMA-looking arm bar that makes Strong tap instantly, forgoing any of the dramatic ‘will he/won’t he’ submission acting usually used in a predicament like this. No matter how real this match really got between the two, it is the fascination I got when watching it that matters. To me, I saw the future, what wrestling could be, a hybrid of traditional pro-wrestling, real fighting, and genre self-awareness. This match was intelligent, thrilling and magical, the perfect embodiment of everything ROH.