The Hamilton-Ave-For-All Special Report 08.12.08: Live from Midway and TNA’s iMPACT Pre-Release Party

I’m JP Prag of the Hamilton Ave Journal and Hidden Highlights and joining me at this two day extravaganza was Jeff Small of the Thursday Small-for-All New Report. Special thanks go out to the amazing Reid Druck of Midway for taking care of us all weekend, getting us more than everything we needed, and being the best host this side of the Jordan River. Reid deserved 17 promotions, but should keep his exact same job so he can continue to take care of us.

Anyway, festivities began on Friday night when we arrived at the function hall set up with two stations to play the game on the Xbox360, a bunch of food and drinks (important later, so make note of this), and Midway employee Mark Lappin (character artist) and Scott Thomas (programmer extraordinaire)—both of whom did not go to college and became big timers in the video game industry. So remember kids, school is overrated. Drop out and play TNA iMPACT: The Video Game.

As all the reporters and us were getting set up and eating catering before the main event talent arrived (Small drink count: 2 beers [This will also be important later]), the TNA talent was arriving from Philadelphia where they were staying as far away from us as possible. After spilling some ravioli on my lap at the sight of Jeremy Borash, the rest of the TNA crew came in and we were given cart blanche access to all of the talent. Since we are not real reporters and didn’t come with any video equipment, records, notepaper, or even questions, some of these responses MAY be a bit paraphrased and not exact quotes. But for libel purposes, they are basically true.

Up first was Christian Cage who was hanging out at the bar. After introducing ourselves, Christian actually asked us the first question.

Christian: Would you like this whiskey sour?

Small: Of course!

(Small drink count: 4 beers, one whiskey sour)

Christian walked away for a while—which was a recurring theme of the night—so we moved on to our next target: Jay Lethal. Small began questioning:

Small: Would you hold my whiskey sour for a second?

Jey Lethal was more than accommodating. After the drink and while walking around for a bit, we asked Jay some deep probing questions:

JP: So tell us about your tux tomorrow: is it going to have lots of tassels? How much glitter will it have?

Lethal: I don’t know about the tassels, but the glitter won’t be too much.

JP: Can you at least tell us what color it will be?

Lethal: It’s gonna be a white tux!

JP: All right! 411mania exclusive! Jay Lethal will be wearing a white tux! I have to go text the boss.

Small: Hey Jay, have you ever spoken to the Macho Man?

Lethal: Actually, I talked to him a few weeks ago.

Small: Cool! Did he rap to you?

Lethal: Ha ha ha, no man! Nothing like that!

JP: So you won’t be the next subject of his battle rap?

Lethal: No, he’s cool with me.

JP: Well thanks Jay! Good luck with your white tux tomorrow!

After that—with a brief sojourn (Small drink count: 5 beers, 1 whiskey sour)—we headed off to Station #1 to check out the game. Jay Lethal’s brother was playing against AJ Styles and Mark from Midway doing an Ultimate X match. Not surprisingly, AJ was playing as himself. But AJ would be an excellent host to us later when he was not busy giving Pele kicks to catering.

Also watching the game with us was Eric Young and Jeremy Borash.

JB: It’s nice to meet you!

JP: Actually, we’ve met twice before.

JB: Where? In Vegas?

JP: A little further east.

JB: Atlanta?

JP: Keep going north.

JB: Was it New York?

This kept up for a while (Small drink count: 6 beers, 1 whiskey sour) until I finally had to let him know.

JP: No, it was actually at the South Shore Music Circus in Hyannis, MA last summer. Then the next day in Lincoln, RI.

JB: Where?

Eric Young: Don’t you remember? We were there for a house show. It was in that funky function hall.

JB: [With blank look in his eyes] Oh, right…

JP: Yeah, you didn’t even recognize me the next day. It was like meeting you for the first time.

JB: Hey, I don’t even remember what I had for lunch today. When I look in a mirror, I have no idea who I see!

We chatted with the two for a while more (learning that AJ Styles is competitive and focused at everything, including Tic-Tac-Toe) and the conversation lead to much more important matters.

JP: Eric, you are on the road as much as I am. You should really get a SlingBox.

Eric Young: I have one! But I just moved and I haven’t it hooked it back up yet!

JB: Have you got the WiFi going in your house yet.

Eric Young: Oh yeah, I hooked up the—

The conversation got a bit technical at this point and Small could not understand. So we excused ourselves to the bar and met up with LAX’s own Hernandez (Small drink count: 7 beers, 1 whiskey sour).

JP: Hernandez, you have the look, the size, the skills, the mic work—I really think you have what it takes to be a top player.

Hernandez: Nah man, I’m just here to get paid.

Hernandez then had a very frank discussion with the two of us over his feelings on wrestlers wages, TNA management, the future of LAX, the increased touring schedule, and trying to fill a 14,000 seat arena in England in six month. This, of course, led us to the most important and insider questions…

JP: So what are you going to do with your facial hair this week?

Hernandez: I don’t know! I grew that handle bar in protest but management liked it!

Hernandez then taught me how to properly do the LAX hand signal, and Small apologized to Hernandez for me being Jewish. This would not be the last time Small would have to apologize for me as AJ Styles called all of us (Hernandez included) to play the game at Station #2.

Over at this station, Scott was playing storyline mode. Prior to this event, the details of the storyline mode have been kept a complete secret. Basically, you play a masked wrestler named “Suicide” who goes against taking a fall and wins the TNA Championship. After going against management LAX, Suicide gets beaten down and left for dead in Tijuana. That’s right, it’s basically the Ready to Rumble storyline—only with better acting. You then have the option to use a create-your-wrestler like feature to develop how Suicide looks after his plastic surgery. You can also select his move-set, clothes, and big pimp gold chains.

My character looked like Abdulla the Butcher ate Small-for-All African American Hall of Fame Member the Godfather (although he was a chubby high flyer like El Dande). AJ was most impressed with his red eyes, and then walked away for the first of many times.

Eric Young then came over and watched me take on the first jobber of storyline mode. I did… errrr… rather poorly and lost to the jobber in record time. Small then apologized to Eric Young (Small drink count: 8 beers, 1 whiskey sour) for my lack of skills, and then proceeded to take 45 minutes to beat said jobber with the help of Scott (who programmed the game).

After realizing that I only own a Wii and Small a PS2 so our Xbox360 skills were weak, we headed away form the game. Not before, though, talking to Scott about said versions. Apparently, there are different teams working on the other platform versions, but they are doing a decent job on the translation. No one seemed to know how much the Wii motion sensor would be involved, but Reid said he wanted to sit on his couch like a lazy bum. Personally, I’m all for the Wii version that keeps me up and working.

Shortly thereafter, we ran into Christian again.

Small: Christian, thanks for the whiskey sour. Can I get one for you?

Christian: No, I’m all set [Christian was drinking a coffee at this point]. How’s the cookie?

Small: [Half the cookie drops to the floor] Delicious!

Our conversation continued awkwardly for a while, but Christian was not able to make a strategic escape this time so we were able to get a 411wrestling.com exclusive!

JP: Are you proud Tampa is in first place?

Christian: Oh yeah, I’m jumping on the bandwagon! Well, I’m really a Toronto Blue Jay’s fan…

JP: Well, I’m a Red Sox fan. But at least you guys have a nice stadium.

Small: Yeah, Toronto is a good a middle of pack team.

JP: You get to some games out there?

Christian: Can you believe it? I haven’t been to a single game in the 8 years I’ve lived there!

Well there you have it! Christian Cage has not gone to a Tampa Bay game in 8 years! That’s exclusive!

Christian was finally able to escape from us, so we started heading towards Selinas.

JP: Hi Selinas!

Selinas: [Half smiles, winks, and keeps walking, never to be seen again]

Small: I think she’s anti-semetic.

Undeterred, Small headed to the bar (Small drink count: 9 beers, 1 whiskey sour) and I went to talk to the Motor City Machine Guns: Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin (who were not impressed with my Israeli Defense Force dog tag). Since I live on the road and am about the same height as Alex Shelley, I decided to ask him how he stays in shape.

Alex Shelley: I don’t eat those cookies over there—no matter how delicious they look.

Small: They are very delicious! [drops other half of cookie]

Alex Shelley looked longingly at the cookies but did not have much else to say. Still, we got the 411wrestling.com exclusive: Alex Shelley does not eat cookies.

Once getting from the uber-talkative Motor City Machine Guns, Reid kicked one of the real reporters out of the chair so we could get some two-on-one handicapped action on Kurt Angle.

I was chatting with Kurt for a bit about his injuries (“The internet exaggerated my injures”, says Kurt) when Small joined us to introduce himself and spill his beer all over his own pants (Small drink count: 9.5 beets, 1 whiskey sour).

Kurt Angle: Don’t even worry about it. They’ll clean it up.

In a rare moment of clarity, we talked to Kurt about the current expanded TNA schedule and Kurt told us he actually refused to go to a few of the upcoming house shows. I was surprised that Kurt was willing to not be on a show and wanted to stay off the road, but he explained to me about his upcoming trip to Japan. With that and the TNA shows, he felt it would be too much.

The conversation then moved to talking about Kurt’s favorite radio jock Bubbah the Love Sponge, who Kurt’s wife Karen did some modeling for (2 411wrestling.com exclusives from Kurt in a row!). Then, as JB was trying to pull Kurt away, we hit him with the toughest question of all:

JP: Kurt, can you grow your hair back, or if you tried would you be bald now?

Kurt Angle: I could grow it back, but it’s much better this way!

JP: Then let me ask a follow-up. Do you ever go to the Red Star Tavern in Pittsburg?

Kurt Angle: No… I… ah… don’t think so…

JP: It’s by the waterfront. Check it out on a Tuesday night some time; 10 cent wing night.

Kurt Angle: I love wings.

So as JB finally got Kurt away to do a radio interview, we got yet another 411wrestling.com exclusive!

Then it was time for the TNA World Heavyweight Champion Samoa Joe! We had talked to Joe several times throughout the night, and he was always accommodating to us.

Small: Joe, how’re all these interviews going?

Samoa Joe smiled and rolled his eyes a little. He then proceeded to make fun of some of the other interviewers and did a mock interview of Small and I. Since he has already talked about his upcoming matches, I decided to ask him about one of his past ones.

JP: I just watched that match you had on HeAT on YouTube.

Samoa Joe: I actually had a WWE contract back then.

Small: Just think Joe, you could have been Umaga!

Joe gave us his best Umaga impression and this led to a conversation about Joe being offered a WWE contract and his current status with TNA.

JP: So everything is all set with your contract now with TNA?

Samoa Joe: Yeah, it took a few months, but it all worked out. You see, unlike the rest of these guys, I have an agency that works on my contract. Whenever they sent out a new version, the agency would say, “No, no, no” and send it back to them. We got it all worked out in the end. It took time, but everything worked out.

Small: That’s good, but we’re getting tired of seeing you in cage. We saw you win the title at Lockdown.

Samoa Joe: Management likes me in a cage, I guess.

JP: [slightly under his breath] A cage with weapons…

Samoa Joe: Hey, I just show up, they tell me what to do, and I get paid.

Small: Yeah, what is going on with you and Sting?

Samoa Joe: I don’t even know! Like I said, I show up, do my work and get paid.

Reid came over and Samoa Joe went to talk to more credible writers who had microphones. AJ Styles, on the other hand, came back to talk to us and Reid.

Small: Doesn’t Reid look like Daltry?

AJ Styles: Who’s Daltry?

Small: The guy from American Idol?

[Everyone stared blankly at Small. Small drink count: 10.5 beers, 1 whiskey sour]

Reid: My wife was actually on American Idol. She made it to the Hollywood call.

JP: What, she couldn’t make Nashville star?

At that moment, AJ Styles walked away from us to never be seen again. That was fine because a few moments later the wrestlers had to leave to go back to Philadelphia. We shook hands with everyone we could, and the night seemed over.

Or was it?

Reid: All right guys, we paid one more one more hour for an open bar.

Small: I’m on it!

(Small drink count: 11.5 beers, 1 whiskey sour, 1 white Russian)

We helped close down the function room and proceeded to spend the rest of the night with Reid, Scott, and Mark at the hotel bar with 40 buffalo wings and some calamari (Small drink count: 11.5 beers, 1 whiskey sour, 1 white Russian, 1 cognac).

The Midway guys continued to treat us well and let us play the game some more, which has seen some major improvements since March. Although we could not beat Scott in a 2-on-1 handicapped match using Rhino and Tomko vs. Hernandez.

Small: Overall, I thought the game was massively fun. I’ll give you more detail this Thursday in the Small-for-All News Report.

JP: And you can already read most of my thoughts in the preview I did back in March.

The next day, we got to head to Hard Justice and watch the show from the VIP box filled with more food, drinks, and good times.

All-and-all, it was an amazing weekend filled with 411wrestling.com exclusives. To sum it all up: