Wacky Wrestling Theory 09.25.08: Interview with the stars of CHIKARA

Today we’ll be getting into the head of the CHIKARA senior official and regular commentator, Bryce Remsburg. Few referees have the presence and respect that Mr. Remsburg has garnered in CHIKARA, and probably that is because he displays great judgmental knowledge of the balance between laughs and legitimacy when officiating the unorthodox CHIKARA matches.

Then we have CHIKARA first ballot Hall of Famer Ultramantis Black. Mind games and treachery are the weapons of choice for this leader of the cult-like Order of the Neo Solar Temple. Ultramantis has gone through many epic feuds and challenges in CHIKARA since its inception, but he has still not satiated his lust for supreme power over CHIKARA, pro-wrestling, and the world.

We will also talk to Ultimo Breakfast, a ‘young lion’ in the CHIKARA ranks. This descendant of the ancient gods has forgone his time in the Grecian fields tilling breakfast for the peasants in order to battle for warrior glory with a toasterized helmet, an enchanted fork and a delicious sounding set of moves.

These three paragons of CHIKARA have agreed to participate in an exclusive interview with Wacky Wrestling Theory.

Wacky Wrestling Theory: CHIKARA is a tag-team centric promotion, as there is no top singles championship in the company. I find this an incredibly brave way to signify the identity of a pro-wrestling company in this era of devalued tag team wrestling in North America. How do you think this focus on tag teaming affects wrestlers in CHIKARA who have no friends? Will they be willing to compromise some of their personality in order to gain tag team partners or be part of a group? As well, do you believe that a pro-wrestling company that had no titles at all could survive artistically and financially?

Bryce Remsburg: Maybe not at first, but as a company and its stars become established, the performers need something to chase. CHIKARA, at its inception and its heart is a student promotion. Hence the introduction of the Young Lions Cup. As the company grew, putting an ever growing focus on tag wrestling, we introduced the Campeones de Parejas in 2006. Right now, I think that seems sufficient. No one seems to have trouble finding partners, and in time, with growth, who knows? Plus, belts cost money. Blah.

Ultimo Breakfast: I feel any warrior in CHIKARA would easily set aside his personal differences to do battle for the Campeones de Parejas. This was proven many times over during the Lethal Lottery tournament held in Palmer, Pa last month. I honestly do not believe that a company could survive without any titles. It would be like the Olympics with no Gold, or the NFL with no Super bowl. After all the battling professional wrestlers put themselves through it only seems reasonable to reward them.

WWT: Ultramantis Black, recently wrestler Tim Donst duped you into believing he had amnesia and thus you took him into your inner circle, fooled into thinking he was a loyal follower of your ‘organization’ the Order of the Neo Solar Temple. As a result of his trickery, you lost the partnership of Hydra, a key member of your team. Do you believe that ultimately, success in pro-wrestling comes from complex schemes and backstabbing, or would you say that in-ring ability is more important? And along those lines, how do you plan to extract your revenge on Donst and Hydra?

Ultramantis Black: Duped?? I think not. You, and the rest of the “esteemed” members of the fourth estate are best to do your homework. It was I who took advantage of the lowly Timothy Donst by taking him under my authority, forcing him to submit to a series of blood and lipid panels, and then tossing him to the wayside when I had extracted exactly what I need from him. Hydra is hardly worth mentioning at all. He was merely a pawn in the greater game of which The Order has already masterminded. The athletic endeavors of the professional wrestling are secondary to other, more nefarious, means for us to achieve our primary goals of the complete and total obliteration of the CHIKARA Pro and of the secular world in general. Donst and Hydra are but meaningless cogs in the machine we will monkeywrench and dynamite.

WWT: CHIKARA wrestlers perform many death defying, high-flying maneuvers. I recently had a theory that high-flyers in pro-wrestling are easily comparable to hip-hop dancers. Culturally, since hip-hop is an expression of the poor, African American experience in modern US history, what significance do you think the high-flying in CHIKARA holds for the culture of its fans and for its birthplace in Philadelphia?

Bryce Remsburg: I think its one more thing that makes us stick out. Secretly, every single member of the CHIKARA roster is a HUGE Will Smith fan. So the Philadelphia correlation is far from a coincidence.

WWT: Ultimo Breakfast, the head-butt is a main move in your repertoire. With the recent controversy in pro-wrestling about the effects of concussions and blows to the head on the permanent health of wrestlers, do you fear any negative future side effects? Let me offer a theory, the glory that is attainable from pro-wrestling triumph in your early years is better than any physical or mental effects that can occur in your later years. What do you think?

Ultimo Breakfast: First off, I am a Warrior. So fear is non-existent. Only a fool would go into battle and not expect pain or injury. Although I do see the point you are trying to make with your theory, I live my life by two words, Carpe Diem. Besides, I wear a toaster on my head for protection.

WWT: Mr. Remsburg, CHIKARA just allowed a No-Disqualification Match for the first time in 6 ½ years and then the first Cage Match just a few weeks later; as an official, do you believe that this is a good trend to the culture of CHIKARA or will these be one time only matches?

Bryce Remsburg: I think these are saved only for the most dire of consequences, and will not be a trend that becomes frequent. Leonard F. Chikarason felt he had no choice in the case of Claudio and Brodie, and the result was a fantastic [cage] match, a settled score, and a lot of happy, entertained fans. If that happened every month, it wouldn’t be special at all. One of the hallmarks of CHIKARA is its family friendly nature, and I cant see the cage being busted out again any time soon.

WWT: Ultramantis Black, which would you prefer to know: the reversal to the Chikara Special or a brand new submission hold that has no known reversal?

Ultramantis Black: As the chosen spiritual envoy of The Order, it is but one minor part of my inevitable manifest destiny to see and know all. Reversals to holds, infallible holds – these are mere child’s play. I direct my extrasensory energies towards knowing more important things – the metal pressure points of my opponents, the outcomes of matches before they even occur, what Leonard Chikarason will have for breakfast on any given day, and so on and so forth.

WWT: Speaking of breakfast, Ultimo Breakfast, if you were to sit down with Japanese pro-wrestling superstar Ultimo Dragon for breakfast, what would be your ideal menu, and what would you hope to learn from such a legend?

Ultimo Breakfast: For a Warrior of this caliber I would make 2 dozen eggs, sausage, bacon, and perhaps some waffles. While in the presence of this or any great Warrior one can expect to learn a lot. So it is important to maintain quiet and listen, because you never know what piece of wisdom he has to share.

WWT: Speaking of eating, Ultramantis Black, you are a vegan. I would imagine that in the world of professional wrestling there are a lot of evil, dastardly meat eaters. Arguably, the devouring of cooked flesh may supply the killer instinct needed to succeed at the top of the wrestling industry. With your vegan lifestyle, how have you been able to overcome this lack of protein and blood and still be successful in CHIKARA?

Ultramantis Black: Consuming the decayed flesh of factory farmed animals fed with human waste and pumped full of impotence inducing hormones is hardly what I would call necessary for success. Elevating oneself beyond the specist behavior of the status quo is the key to overcoming all who oppose The Order. Truth gives wings to strength. Humans are the most uncompassionate of all animals yet their brutality comes with a guise of humanity. I am told that I am wrong, but the only wrong I have committed is feeling compassion. I no longer feel compelled to be a member of the human race, I just consider myself a member of the animal kingdom.

WWT: Along with being a vegan then perhaps romance could also help to soothe the devious mind of one such as Ultramantis Black. In pro-wrestling there have been many off-beat romantic connections, from the current pairing of Santino Marella and Beth Phoenix in the WWE, to Goldust and Marlena, and Mark Henry and Mae Young. Has there ever been a female, or any kind of romantic connection, in the life of Ultramantis Black?

Ultramantis Black: Many will be surprised to learn that the devious UltraMantis has a tender, romantic side. However, the divine power to control professional wrestling and resurrect life on planet Jupiter is the only mistress I seek. Oh, and Mid-South pioneering valet, Dark Journey.

WWT: Personally, I like to watch ‘The Hills’ on MTV and I often marvel at how the drama and tension created between the ‘characters’ on that show are similar to some of the irrational and often frustratingly storylines on TNA Impact or WWE RAW. Which television sitcom would you say most resembles CHIKARA and why?

Ultimo Breakfast: Easy, Celebrity Circus. Lots of high flying, people landing on their head, and big time celebrities such as Bob Saget and Dave Coulier.

Bryce Remsburg: I would have to go with a show called Arrested Development. It only aired for 3 years, and was cancelled due to poor ratings, but it was GENIUS. Such a good show. If you didn’t watch it, it couldn’t be explained, but if you watched and loved it, no explanation was necessary. It really rewarded the repeat viewer, and made you feel like part of something special.

WWT: Mr. Remsburg, if you could hypothetically referee a match between any two people in history, who would it be and why?

Bryce Remsburg: While this is entirely impossible, due to one of the participants being dead and all, it would be my dream to referee the first Andy Kaufman vs. Jerry Lawler match. The crowd was electric, and Kaufman is one of my heroes. I have been fortunate enough to ref for Lawler twice, so I will certainly take that. Close second would be any CHIKARA match in a humongous arena filled with people. Say Lincoln Financial Field here in Philly for example…

WWT: Speaking of Jerry Lawler, do you think that we will ever see a referee wrestle and officiate his own match at the same time, somewhat similar to the way Lawler occasionally would wrestle and commentate with a microphone in his hand simultaneously?

Bryce Remsburg: That would be very interesting, and I don’t think in my 17 years of wrestling enjoyment I can remember ever seeing that… But if anyone’s down for the challenge, I’m prepared to try. I have ring announced and refereed the same show. Does that count?

WWT: Breakfast, even though you have only been wrestling there for a short amount of time, who in CHIKARA do you think should be on the front of a ‘Wheaties’ box and why does that person deserve to have their visage beside the slogan “Breakfast of Champions?”

Ultimo Breakfast: This may come as a surprise to many but I would have to select Sweet n Sour Larry Sweeney simply because he is the 26-time Tex-Arkana Television Champion, and do believe that is more than any other competitor in Chikara has dawned champions gold.

WWT: Ultramantis, lately you have been teaming up with Dr. Cube from KAIJU BIG BATTEL. I spoke with Dr. Cube in an interview last month and he seemed like a very untrustworthy guy whose ultimate intention was to enslave everyone on earth. What do you and the Order of the Neo Solar Temple have to gain from a partnership with Dr. Cube? Do you really believe you can trust him?

Ultramantis Black: Earth people deserves no better than all out enslavement at the hands of a mad genius the likes of the good doctor. Do I trust him? Nay. How can either of us trust each other and for what reason should we? Our alliance is like life itself – in time it will fade away. For the time being, our relationship has proven to be mutually beneficial and that is all I will say about that topic for the moment.

WWT: Although there have been some incredibly successful wrestlers in North America who had their roots in Mexican lucha libre, rarely are the lucha-style matches popular, particularly in the WWF/E. By filling this void in CHIKARA by presenting lucha-inspired wrestling, what strengths do you think CHIKARA matches have that other pro-wrestling promotions lack?

Ultimo Breakfast: In a CHIKARA ring you can see any style at any time. This is not true anywhere but here. Think of every other style of wrestling as an individual breakfast food. For example the WWE would be corned beef hash, etc. When you come to see CHIKARA it is like going to Bob’s Big Boy breakfast buffet. You can expect to see everything and anything and you will always leave full and happy.

Bryce Remsburg: I think immediately of our hallmark, the multiple man tag. Think of a blank canvas. Sure, you can paint something really neat with 2, or even 4 colors. But imagine what awesomeness you can make with 6, 8, or even 10 colors. No one in the States is doing those like CHIKARA does, and its a testament to our performers. I also believe the colorful, masked characters go a long way with grabbing attention, or hooking a first time viewer. You only get one chance to make a first time impression.

True enough, and if this is YOUR first taste of CHIKARA, then you can see their stars are unique, interesting and fun. I strongly encourage you to check out a CHIKARA wrestling show when it comes to your town, particularly if you are in Pennsylvania October 18 and 19 for the Global Gauntlet crossover with BIG JAPAN, or in Germany November 8 and 9 for the Tag World Grand Prix 2008. Be sure to check out the CHIKARA website for information on how to purchase DVDs and other merchandise.