The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 10.09.08

I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this but I really believe that the WWE has begun to cater to me. On Raw, we had the incredibly awesome Khali Kiss Kam (more komments below) and then on ECW, there was a return vignette for the Boogeyman. Now if only this man were to return on Smackdown, I would totally soil myself:

FREE GAS!!!

In case you were wondering about my personal life (and why wouldn’t you be), I had a bitchin’ week off. Instead of writing about absolutely nothing, I got to enjoy VIP at Hooters, baby. Unlike other fine establishments, I did not even have to purchase an expensive bottle of Moet. Rather, I pounded tequila shots and enjoyed my complimentary 50 free wings. Until they kicked my party out for being too drunk. Ha. So yes, while you Smallophiles were reading way more news than you are accustomed to (thanks to Byers for the fill-in), I was partying like a rockstar. But that’s not the only fun festivity for me this weekend – for I got to hang out with 411’s own JP Prag. And trust me, if you think I hated him before, wait until you hear the shit that he pulled last Friday.

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Keep waiting…

Yes, Yes…

KHALI!!!!!

Before I even mention how much of a dickface JP is, let’s talk about what’s really important: the return of the Great Khali to my life. You see, ever since the Great Khali lost his one opportunity at the WWE Title at Summerslam, I have been a Debbie Downer. Watching Raw and Smackdown became a chore. Not even Santino Marella’s Honk-a-meter could put a smile on my face. It’s not easy for me to not enjoy a WWE show, but over the past month, things looked bleak. You could have easily called me Weather…Wether…whateverthatstupidfucksnameisthatwritesforthissite since I really began to hate professional wrestling. It even affected my Small-For-All as none of my September reports were easy for me to write.

Luckily, there was one thing that came easy to me during my Khali-hiatus: writing music. From emo music (if he wasn’t already, Wilcox would have became my #1 groupie) to gangsta rap to even glam metal, I wrote and wrote and wrote songs until my fingers bled. While I will not share my entire stash of songs, here’s one of my personal favorites entitled “Night Man.”

Night man,
Sneaky and mean
Spider inside my dreams
I think I love you
You make me wanna cry, you make me wanna die
I love you, I love you , I love you, I love you, I love you.
Night Man
Every night you come into my room and pin me down with your strong arms
You pin me down and I try to fight you
you come inside me and fill me up
and I become the Night Man.

Just two men sharing the night
It might seem wrong but it’s just right
It’s just two men sharing each other
It’s just two men like loving brothers
One on top, and one on bottom
One inside, and one is out
One is screaming he’s so happy
The other’s screaming a passionate shout
It’s the Night Man
The feeling so wrong it’s right man
the feeling so wrong…
I can’t fight you man when you come inside me and pin me down your strong hands and I’ll become the Night….the passionate, passionate Night Man.

Pretty good, eh? One day when my autobiography is published, I’ll be sure to include my entire listing of Great Khali inspired work. Where was I?

Oh yes, this past week on Raw, I witnessed quite possibly the greatest segment in WWE history: the Great Khali hosting the Kiss Cam (see below). In addition to being absolutely hilarious, it restored my faith in humanity. So yes, my man-crush for Khali is back bitches. Are you ready?

And if you think this was awesome, wait until you watch Smackdown this week! In addition to the Khali Kiss Kam Part Deux, he also has enough time to hold off his sexual urges to squash three jobbers and eat twelve chickens! I don’t know about you but I’ve got a woody right now.

WHAMMY!!!!!!!

In today’s edition, we shall take a look at the WWE’s attempt at boosting our economy, plenty of quick and dirty WWE and TNA news, and why I really really hate JP!

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

And You Think This is Just a Gossip Rag!

In three weeks, the WWE presents their second PPV of the month, Cyber Sunday. Normally, I am not a fan of this show as most of the gimmick matches are pretty meaningless and there’s always at least one old-timer reeking all over the show. Thankfully, I am not the WWE’s target audience as I know at least one whippersnapper (the bald headed bastard Kegger) who actually wants to order the show (who knew the Honky Tonk Man can draw in 2008).

Anyway, unlike the previous years, there’s only one way to vote for Cyber Sunday stipulations: on your mobile phone. Of course, it ain’t free to text message kids. According to the little black text on WWE.com, each vote costs 99 cents. Each person can vote for a single match up to 10 times ($9.90 per match). Additional votes for each match will not count – but you will still be charged! That’s right, if I want to vote for the Honky Tonk Man 200 times, 190 vote will go in vain and I’d lose $188 that I could spend on blow.

Okay so say you have your limits and stop at 10 votes. Well that’s only one match. You have at least five more matches to vote on (according to the most recent news, the WWE’s planning on holding six matches). Now, we are up to $59.40. And that’s before you even purchase the show! So in order to see if your votes mattered (which they probably don’t), the show will cost you an additional $39.95! Our total is now up to $99.35!

But that’s not all! One Cyber Sunday vote will automatically register you for one free month of WWE Mobile. Unless you decide to opt-out, after the first free month, you will be charged an additional $3.99 per month!

Yes, if you decide to partake in this year’s Cyber Sunday festivities, it will only cost you a measly $103.34!!! For a show that rarely provides anything important, it’s one pretty penny. But hey, someone had to pay for McMahon’s Million Dollar Giveaway!!!

Dat Money Money, Yeah Yeah

Haasarific!

According to the Wrestling Observer, “There has been some second-guessing on the Raw side as of late because they’re putting more effort into the characters of Santino Marella and Charlie Haas than anyone else. While both do a good job with their respective characters, neither are big ratings movers nor tapped to generate real money for the company in the future. Hornswoggle was in the same situation last year as officials felt the need to push him due to his angle with Vince McMahon. Hornswoggle has attracted a lot of young kids, an audience WWE desires, but a number of his segments on Raw last year flopped in the ratings.”

Well Santino Marella should receive a fleshed-out character seeing as he holds the Intercontinental Championship. Now I am fully aware that championships don’t mean shit anymore but one would like to think the creative team has an idea of what to do with a champion. As for Charlie Haas, if they keep him to one short segment, then I don’t see any harm being done here. You would think that the creative team would spend time creating ideas for all of their wrestlers so the entire program is better. Hell, we give Vince Russo much shit but he does a decent job creating characters (mainly cartoon). Lastly, I am a bit shocked that the Great Charli does not equal ratings. Then again, I only learnt this past week that the bird is the word!!!

At Least We Haven’t Gotten Back to Napkins!

According to the Observer, “There have been massive changes in the original scripts of WWE programming to how they are presented on air. The scripts are usually finalized by Friday and then presented to Vince McMahon. McMahon will often rubber stamp the scripts, but as of late, the finished scripts have been completely altered to his liking. Ultimately, it’s always Vince McMahon’s decisions at the end of day regarding what goes on the air, moreso than usual these days.”

Perhaps that’s why so much time is being spent on Charlie Haas, Santino, and even Vladimir Kozlov! With Stephanie still out on maternity leave, Vince has taken complete control over the product and I’m not so sure how much of it is a good thing. Granted 2008 has been a pretty good year for wrestling (solid PPVs, no tragedies, nothing too mind-numbingly stupid) but not all of Vince’s ideas are revolutionary. At least Vince has Freddie Prinze backstage to amuse him!

Biten’ Newsbites

From all the usual sources, here are some quick and dirty news around the WWE.

According to Kelly Kelly’s MySpace blog, she will NOT be posing for Playboy this year!

Now, Csonka needs to find another excuse for posting those Kelly Kelly half-assed pictures!

From the Observer, “One of the reasons WWE put Carlito together with his brother Eddie (Primo) in a tag team is because they believe it will help improve Carlito. Eddie is said to have a great attitude and works hard. They are hoping it rubs off on Carlito, with the idea that he won’t want his little brother to outshine him in WWE.”

Too late.

The Observer also states that a Vladimir Kozlov WWE title reign is not out of the realm of possibility.

I can’t wait for the twenty minute main event interview segments with Vladie. Perhaps, he, too, can shack it up with Vickie! They can be known as V-Squared!

My Network TV has announced plans to become the first Digital station by broadcasting exclusively in Digital starting December 1st.

And when Smackdown ratings drop around this time, now we already have the excuse. Damn all those wrestling fans with the rabbit antennas! When will trailer parks upgrade to Digital dammit!

On Pat Robertson’s “The 700 Club”, Shawn Michaels admitted to prior drug use especially around the time of founding D-Generation X.

It’s nice to see HBK coming out and admitting past wrongdoings. Now if only he would admit to the Montreal Incident! Oh wait, he did that too.

NEWS FROM O-TOWN

Kevin Nash Speaks!

Nash recently did an interview with the In Your Head radio/internet show and covered a vast listing of topics. They included:

He still does not have a contract with TNA at the moment.

In other news, he just friended Vince McMahon on Facebook.

He still believes that he’s in good health.

Well he hasn’t torn anything in the last two years! Then again, I don’t remember the last time he lifted his feet.

Believes Kurt Angle’s comments on TNA relying on too many gimmicks is accurate.

Considering the WWE had to use any gimmick match during his “comeback” in 2004, I don’t think he should be speaking on this.

He enjoys his angle with Samoa Joe and hopes there’s a good pay-off.

By that he means that he gets a nice cut of the PPV after pinning Joe in the main event.

As you can tell, I really do not like Kevin Nash. Probably has to do with the fact that he has more hair than I do! Bastard.

Happy Fun Toys

According to the Wrestling Observer, “While Jeff Jarrett is usually against adding any new championships to TNA, feeling the more there are, the value of them goes down, TNA has plans to add another singles sometime in the near future. It would likely be a title on the level of the WWE Intercontinental Championship as a number of wrestlers are squeezed out from winning gold if they aren’t either main eventers, X Division wrestlers, tag team wrestlers, or Knockouts. In the past, there was talk of adding an X Division tag team title, but the idea was shot down.”

Yes, now the Rock N Rave breakup will finally mean something! In all honesty, TNA doesn’t need another championship and they have no problems having nine matches on almost all of their shows. Another championship will just be a lazy crutch to use on feuds that do not have a good storyline behind it. That and I really am not looking forward to a Robert Roode IC title reign.

Bound For Glory IV Preview

Like always, here’s the card for those not in the know:
TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Champion Samoa Joe vs. “The Icon” Sting

TNA GRUDGE MATCH
“King Of The Mountain” Jeff Jarrett vs. Olympic Gold Medalist Kurt Angle
Special Enforcer: Mick Foley

MONSTER’S BALL WORLD TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH:
Champions Beer Money Inc. vs. Team 3D vs. The Latin American Xchange vs. Abyss & Matt Morgan
Special Referee: Steve “Mongo” McMichael

TNA KNOCKOUTS CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Champion Taylor Wilde vs. Awesome Kong vs. Roxxi

TNA X-DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Champion Sheik Abdul Bashir vs. Consequences Creed

TRIPLE THREAT MATCH
AJ Styles vs. Booker T vs. Christian Cage

THE RETURN OF THE STEEL ASYLUM MATCH
The X Division superstars battle inside the steel dome to try to escape

Honestly, I’m not too excited for Bound For Glory IV. Perhaps it has to do with the Roman Numerial (outside of Rocky IV, I can’t recall a good fourth movie in a franchise). Perhaps it has to do with a Jeff Jarrett/Kurt Angle match that really does not excite me. Or maybe it has to do with the fact that I haven’t watched TNA since Hard Justice. Whatever the reason might be, I’m not too excited for this one.

With that said, for those that are interested and are too cheap to order the show, 411 will have Live Coverage this Sunday!

Why I Hate JP

On Friday, I was supposed to attend a TNA House Show along with JP and two of his friends. When we arrived at the Tsongas Arena in Lowell, MA, we allowed JP to work his magic at the ticket counter. Only this time, JP wasn’t Houdini. Nor was he David Blaine. He was not even the homeless man near Fenway Park that promises to make my change disappear. Rather, with his tail between his legs, JP informed us that there were no tickets for us.

Oh but it gets better! After leaving voicemails with both our TNA contact and our buddy Reid at Midway, we ran into a group of TNA University members who also failed to receive their comp’d tickets to this event. Granted, JP and I really didn’t do anything to deserve this tickets; however, the TNA-U group actually worked for them! I think JP and I felt bad for them so we started having a conversation with them.

JP: We work for 411Mania.
TNA-U People: Oh yeah?
JP: Yeah, I write the Saturday news report and Hidden Highlights.
*Crickets chirp*
Small: And I write the Small-For-All!
TNA-U: We love Khali!

Ha, suck on that JP! After our brief conversation (I left my hand sanitizer at home), the TNA-U people actually paid to see the house show! Ha, what losers. We, on the other hand, proceeded to leave the arena and find something better to do on a Friday night.

Did JP and I…

a) go see Beverly Hills Chihuahua
b) go to a gay bar
c) find the sketchiest strip club and proceed to blow ones quicker than Ken Kennedy blows his repeated pushes!

Here’s what really happened:

Yup, if you voted for C, you are a winner winner chicken dinner!

Honestly, I don’t hate JP. Even though we did not attend the TNA show (by the way, TNA did contact us and ask if we would like VIP passes for the after-show), we still had a good time making it rain on dem hoes.

COMING ATTRACTIONS

I laugh in the face of people who think my reports are short. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Until next week…