wrestling / Columns
The Cheers ‘n Jeers of Wrestling 10.12.08: Johnny Knoxville, The Great Khali, Kelly Kelly, Miz, Morrison and More!
Hi everybody. Apologies for last week’s last minute no-show, but during the course of a sadly unrelated to No Mercy jaunt down to Portland last weekend, I had my laptop stolen. I don’t know who was responsible, but I don’t think it’s a coincidence that these guys were in town.
On with the Cheers…
CHEERS
to Johnny Knoxville for asking The Great Khali a “hard” hitting question during an interview for the Jackass website. The inquiring mind wanted to know if the Punjabi giant is proportionate in the pee-pee department, enraging Khali and prompting him to challenge Johnny boy to show up on tomorrow night’s RAW. Bonus CHEERS to Khali for his impromptu hosting of the kiss cam and planting one on Lillian Garcia. Don’t know so much about Smackdown’s kiss cam choice, but to each their own.
“It’s like baby arm, holding apple. Big baby. BIG apple.”
Sorry horndogs, but
CHEERS
to Kelly Kelly for announcing that she will NOT be posing for Playboy anytime soon. Personally, I could give a fuck less whether she poses for Hef or not, but this news was a big CHEERS for me just for the simple fact that it makes it far less likely that I’ll have to suffer through Kelly “wrestling” for one of the women’s titles at Wrestlemania.
Speaking of people who choose to simplify their lives by having the same last name as their first,
CHEERS
to Warrior Warrior’s ex-wife for announcing that she’ll soon be unleashing a trashy expose about her and her completely insane ex-husband’s life on a public ever more rabid for such filth. Some of the promised, and so juicy they might squirt all over your face, gems? Allegedly Mr.”I hate drugs, and gays, and gay drugs” has dabbled with a fair bit of illicit substances in the past and has possibly experimented with a little of that ever so loathesome same sex stuff as well.
I don’t know that it’s the biggest surprise in the world that a dude who looks (or looked) like he sweats human growth hormone and wears (or wore) face paint and tassels may have enjoyed both steroid and hot beef injections in the past, but I do know that it’s always great when two-faced, ultra conservative douche bags get exposed for the hypocrites that they are, be it politician or professional wrestler. Of course, it must be said that bitter ex-wives aren’t always the most credible of sources, but this is still one filthy little tell-all that I am definitely looking forward to.
Calm down, Jim. If you don’t like what I wrote, you’ll just have to leave a comment like anybody else.
CHEERS
to Miz & Morrison and those thieving bastards Cryme Tyme for making me do something I would normally never do under any circumstances: Not fast forward a Jillian Hall/ Kelly Kelly match. The two teams came out for commentary and provided a blisteringly funny soundtrack to what I’m sure was a really crappy match. Or maybe a great one, I don’t know, I was too busy busting up to a great dis off.
JEERS
though, to the utter lack of Ha-Haas on Monday Night Raw, an even more egregious oversight considering that Charlie had been expected to debut his latest impersonation, most likely of “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. While there is almost nothing worse than bad comedy in wrestling, I’d say that good comedy in wrestling is one of life’s greatest and most sublime pleasures and Charlie’s impersonations definitely fall into the latter category. Hopefully he was just fine tuning the act for this week.
CHEERS
to the Boogeyman, who is evidently on his way back to ECW after spending well over a year on the disabled list. I’m not the biggest Boogey fan in the world, but at least he’s, uh, different, and he was certainly over, though it will be interesting to see how he’ll fit in with ECW’s current landscape.
“Well I think you look like an idiot, so FUCK OFF!”
JEERS
to CM Punk for being pinned so easily in the big 8 man tag match on ECW this week. One of my biggest pet peeves happens to be when a top star, or basically anybody who isn’t a registered jobber, ends up taking the pin in matches like this after taking virtually no offense. This happens from time to time, most obviously in Survivor Series matches of yore, but I think it’s just ridiculous that a recent World champion can be pinned after a kick to the gut and a finisher, in this case Morrison’s Moonlight Drive. Hey, cool finisher, and I love Morrison, but it’s just silly to me that Punk ate a pin after taking two moves. Oh, I almost forgot, he was kicked by Cody during a pin attempt, so I guess you can make that three moves.
You know, not to go off on a tangent, but what exactly is the deal behind Punk’s booking, not just since his World title run, but all this past year? I’ve never seen a cat go back and forth between looking like a top star and looking like a guy who loses handily to Chavo Guerrero like I have with him. The way things have gone for Punk in the WWE, I almost expect him to win the Royal Rumble, follow it up with a 3 minute loss to Santino Marella at No Way Out, beat Triple H at ‘Mania, and then lose at Backlash to Ryan Braddock. If The Hurricane was around, he’d most assuredly chime in with a “Whassupwiththat?!?”
“Don’t put words in my mouth, assface”
CHEERS
to Impact for not sucking this week. It wasn’t a super great show ever or anything, but it was just a good, top to bottom program with no stupid bullshit, which was not at all what I was expecting when Lansdellicious tapped me for a tag team review this week. I wasn’t even high when I watched it and I still enjoyed it, so I know it was good. I don’t know if it was a fluke or what, but keep it up, TNA!
JEERS
to Dolt Ziggler for getting busted on a wellness violation just one month into his career as a RAW superstar. I don’t know all the details, or what aspect of wellness he violated, but it’s pretty goddamn stupid for anybody, especially an up-and-comer, to be fooling around with substances when the WWE has spent the last couple of years establishing a firm no-nonsense attitude to such transgressions. Obviously due to his look, one naturally assumes that this is physique related and I have no idea what some of these guys are thinking. Unless this serves as some kind of wake-up call, expect to see Dolphmania running wild with Chris Masters by 2009.
CHEERS
to Bret Hart‘s autobiography, which finally saw a US release last week. I’ve read it twice already (being Canadian sometimes has it’s perks) and I can easily state that it’s the best wrestling tome I’ve read since ‘Have a Nice Day’, and an absolute must have for any wrestling fan. Regardless of whether you love, hate, or just tolerate the author, do yourself a favor and pick this one up.
“Thanks fer buyin’ my book, eh”
JEERS
to yet another unexplained non-finish, this time coming (or rather, not coming) at the conclusion of Smackdown’s main event, a WWE title match between challenger Big Show and ridiculously orange champion Triple H. We saw The Undertaker come out and get a little retribution for his No Mercy loss, we saw Vladimir Kozlov come on down and pick the remains of the champ, and we saw Jeff Hardy run out to make the save, but what we didn’t see, or hear, was the sound of a ringing bell or an announcer grabbing a mic and declaring the match over. Sure, the Takerference was somewhat to be expected, and sure the match was sucking all kinds of dick, but I loathe the unexplained non-finish as much, if not more, than I do any other nagging inconsistency in pro wrestling.
CHEERS
to Ric Flair’s robe, specifically the one he was sportin’ at WM 24, for ending up in the motherfuckin Smithsonian! I know this would have been much more timely last week, but this is just too fun to pass up. Being worn to the ring for Ric Flair’s final match at Wrestlemania AND winding up in the Smithsonian’s pop culture exhibit? The bar has been set very high for all future robes.
I’m in the Smithsonian, bitch!
Continuing with the things I didn’t get to cheer last week, here’s a
CHEERS
to Smackdown for finally getting a new theme song. Can’t say I love it, as it’s fairly of reminiscent of Mr. Kennedy’s lame-o music, but that Drowning Pool song got old real fast and I’d been waiting on a change in tune for a long, long time.
You guys suck
JEERS
to golfer’s elbow, which D’lo Brown has been diagnosed with, despite the fact that the dude doesn’t even play golf! Bonus JEERS to a pathetically slow news week.
*CHEERS of the week*
to Scott Hall for standing up (ish) for what he believes in and taking it to Some Douche who’d made a bad Owen Hart joke at a roast for The Iron Sheik, which of course led to the footage of Scott at his finest (or drunkest) hour which I’m sure you’ve all seen by now. (I’m not going to bother linking to all the videos, if you haven’t seen ’em, just check out the rasslin’ news section). It was unclear at first who the unknown comic who set Hall off on his expletive laden and extremely promoesque rant was, but it’s since been revealed, though he won’t be getting his name in the papers from this guy. Nobody loves tasteless and offensive humor more than me, but my biggest problem isn’t that the “joke” was inappropriate (though I think it was). No, my main problem is that it just wasn’t funny.
Judge for yourself:
“When the Iron Sheik got pulled over and arrested on the Jersey Turnpike his career fell harder and faster than Owen Hart.”
Ha, ha..ha? Seriously, that’s just not very funny and the guy obviously knew he would reap some meager amount of attention making light of a wrestler’s death, in a room full of wrestling personalities who most likely need all their fingers and toes to count all their fallen comrades over the years. Mission accomplished, douche, and I believe your 15 seconds ends…now! One question that still lingers in my mind, though: where else but at a roast for the Iron Sheik could Scott Hall make a drunken scene and be considered the hero?
Say hello to da Good Guy!
*JEERS* of the week
to beautiful Portland, Oregon. I’ve long acknowledged Portland’s relative superiority to Seattle, the city I currently inhabit. I mean, there’s no sales tax, it’s illegal to pump your own gas (who likes pumping their own gas?) and you can drink in the strip clubs (from what I’ve heard). But then Portland had to go and hold No Mercy, without informing me (or so much as tossing a hint my way) that an HBK/Y2J ladder match would be main eventing the show when tickets went on sale. If that wasn’t enough to find it’s way out of my good graces, Portland had to turn a blind eye during the aforementioned filching of my laptop, while I was busy getting shitty drunk, and thus deprived the world of it’s Cheers ‘n Jeers for last week. Not cool, Portland. Not cool.
Screw you!
What’s good in the hood or this is what I read on 411 today:
You had me at “Sarah Palin is a fuckin’ MORON”
THE ONLY NEWS REPORT FOCUSED SOLELY ON THE BUSINESS OF WRESTLING
MORE FREE PORNO! XXX! EXTRA HARDCORE DOUBLE PENETRATION!!
So that’s all, wrestling fans. Be sure to check out the Randle report later tonight and any of you happen to run into Cryme Tyme, please tell them to return my laptop.
