Wacky Wrestling Theory 10.16.08: Wrestling Stars vs. Cultural Icons

Let’s get started!

Round 1: Hulk Hogan vs. Mickey Mouse

Hulk and Mickey are two exaggeratedly cartoonish symbols for an entire industry. They are both massively popular with their target audience and never seem to lessen in popularity with time. Both characters are the center of a circle of friends/performers that benefit from their charismatic likeability; wherever Hogan goes he brings with him multiple nostalgic 80s-era wrestlers, as his exodus to WCW proved, whereas Mickey also has all those other anthropomorphized animals running around glomming off of his fame, not to mention the multiple broomsticks he kept producing at the end of ‘Fantasia.’ Mickey Mouse definitely has the edge in marketability since he has saturated the entire world as the toy symbol of the Walt Disney corporation. Most children have to own at some kind of Mickey Mouse memorabilia, but come on, he is just a simple little mouse and images like Hello Kitty show that a cute design can easily be pasted onto any kids products and sell. Hogan on the other hand also became a successful commercial image during the Rock ‘n Wrestling era, but he did it as a balding, weight belt wearing goon, a much tougher image to market, so Hogan should get extra points for his achievements. Where Mickey Mouse loses overall is in his conservative values. Mickey looked particularly bad when Disney sued the makers of the underground comic book ‘Air Pirates’ for a parody of Mickey Mouse and friends, (showing him eating out Minnie among other things) and generally trying to destroy what the lawyers called Mickey’s “innocent image of general delightfulness.” Lighten up! When Hogan was attacked by the counter culture, and even the mainstream, for his squeaky clean image and boring wrestling, he turned it around on them, became the figurehead of the evil nWo and made all those haters into fans again. Hogan is more flexible as a product than Mickey, especially when it comes to cool stuff like sex and violence, and for that he wins the first point in the competition for the Wrestling Icons.

Round 2: The Rock vs. Superman

The Rock, wrestling alter ego of Hollywood superstar Duane Johnson, was ‘the most electrifying man in sports entertainment’ who combined a refined WWF main event wrestling style with hilariously self-effacing oratory skills to become a crossover megastar in the WWF Attitude era. Superman, the cape wearing alien alter ego of mild mannered Clark Kent, is a comic book and cross medium symbol for all things heroic and just. The Rock is a homegrown creation of Vince McMahon who tweaked earlier incarnations of Rocky Miavia by adapting to the fans insecure and self-important attitude of boo-ing Miavia mercilessly for being too heroic and drab. Superman is a DC Comics property who was created by Jerry Seigel and Joe Shuster in response to the fears of emasculation during the Great Depression. Both men have overcome great obstacles in their careers; The Rock came back after two loses in the Wrestlemania main event to finally defeat Stone Cold at Wrestlemania XIX, but wow, Superman came back from the dead almost a year after murder at the hands of Doomsday. In the end though, it all comes down to the fact that The Rock can sing, so therefore he wins. Superman has had so many incarnations, and has been written by so many people for almost one hundred years, and certainly he has been seen singing, but never on the scale of memorability that the Rock accomplished during his ‘Rock Concerts.’ Kicking ass is one thing, but being able to sing, look cool and still be wryly funny at the same time, that’s a super-power that you don’t get just from being under a yellow sun. The Rock wins another point for the Wrestling Icons.

Round 3: Undertaker vs. Gravedigger

The Undertaker is a zombie inspired WWF Superstar who has an incomprehensible winning record of 17-0 at the global phenomenon Wrestlemania. Gravedigger is the awe-inspiring Halloween themed Monster Truck that single handedly carries the Monster Jam circuit on it’s back. They both have a cartoonishly healthy death obsession, and both play out destruction and resurrection themes in their performances, with the Undertaker often being ‘sent to hell’ or buried alive and then returning thanks to his other worldly powers, and Gravedigger being most beloved for crash producing, show ending Freestyle runs. The Undertaker has ‘squashed’ a lot of giant wrestlers and Gravedigger has squashed countless old wrecks and buses, both to the delight of the audience. Wow, this one is tough… hmmmm, Gravedigger does have multiple copies competing simultaneously throughout the USA, but the Undertaker also had a doppelganger replace him in the past. Gravedigger is driven by wildman Derek Anderson, while the career of the Undertaker was steered by the wily Paul Bearer. This competition is really neck and neck. Ah ha, there is one category where one of these gothy monsters must lose; babes. The Undertaker once tried to marry young cute Stephanie McMahon in a sacrilegious black wedding ceremony, then really married the neck tattoo of a hottie Sara, and now is currently rumored to be dating life-loving, sporty sexy Michelle McCool. Unless Gravedigger has started to use the old siphon hose on the Madusa truck, I’m afraid he just can’t compete with the Undertaker.

Round 4: Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. James Brown

The legendary ‘Texas Rattlesnake’ Stone Cold Steve Austin is the most successful pro-wrestler of all-time. James Brown was easily the most successful R&B singer of all time. As far as influence goes, Brown has to get the nod for his past achievements to popularize raw R&B music, inspire acts like the Rolling Stones and Michael Jackson to name a few, and provide the musical backbone for the entire genre of hip hop. Stone Cold on the other hand influenced many children to say ‘asshole’ for the first time, but was really more of a personal sensation than a medium changing force. Overcoming mid-1900s prejudice to become a role model for young black youth is commendable for the inspiring legacy of James Brown, but Austin had to overcome the career prejudice held against mid-card wrestlers in the twilight of their careers to change his entire style and become the barrier breaking Stone Cold character, which to me was a discrimination more difficult to overcome than even southern US racism. While both men had legendary substance abuse problems, Austin was the one who was able to avoid rehab and maintain his drinking and turn it into a clever marketing ploy, whereas Brown sadly let his addictions over shadow his artistic persona and thus kept him out of the mainstream for the latter years of his career. In the end, Austin has to get the point, but it was another close one.

Round 5: Bret Hart vs. Benjamin Franklin

Although it’s already a victory for the Wrestling Icons, the fifth round stills bears mentioning. You may be surprised by this one, but I’d say that Bret Hart wins this round for the pro-wrestlers as well. Benjamin Franklin is a symbol for Revolution era USA and multiple inventions, but Bret Hart was the ‘excellence of execution’ and will forever be associated with pure pro-wrestling talent. Both men achieved fame in foreign countries while proudly representing their homelands as ambassadors for extended periods of time, so that’s a push. Bret Hart is often connected to his famous finisher ‘The Sharpshooter,’ although he didn’t invent the move, just like Franklin whose kite and key lightning experiment is often misinterpreted as him inventing electricity, so they’ve got to be dead even there also. What it all really comes down to is the fact that although not a former president, Benjamin Franklin still appears on the US $100 bill, and while it might be great to have your face on a widely distributed currency, it’s a bit pompous to be painted onto the ‘rich’ $100 dollar bill. On the other hand Bret Hart’s trademark sunglasses found themselves on the faces of regular, humble wrestling fans the world over, and particularly young impressionable kids who would grow up to respect what those silver shades stood for: respect. To me, it’s better to have people want to look like you than look at you, and Bret Hart is a Wrestling Icon who everyone wanted to be.

So yes, there you have it, the Wrestling Icons are 5-0. Call me wacky, but the way I see it, today the stars of pro-wrestling have shown that they can hold up in comparison against any cultural icons out there!