Five Star Conversation 10.28.08: In Favor of Organized Crime

THOUGHT OF THE WEEK: WTF with Beyonce Knowles changing her name to “Sasha Fierce”…?! Really? Seriously? How about “Sasha Fool”? Mark my words, friends, this is the beginning of what will be the next public celebrity meltdown.

SOLID iMPACT! or MOIST PLOP…?
For the uninitiated, I’m of the opinion that TNA has the deepest, richest, most well-rounded roster in the business and I truly appreciate the efforts of virtually every single person employed by Dixie in terms of talent. However, every time I make a promise to myself to become a devotee of the company and its programming, my interest is absolutely squelched by the ridiculous, overcomplicated, swerve-for-the-sake-of-swerving writing that just kills it for me. I’m a BIG fan of the less-is-more theory in wrestling, where a basic premise goes a hell of a lot longer in telling a compelling story (as in Batista/HBK/Y2J) than the double-cross that’s so obvious in the impossibly over-thought gimmick match that my dead grandmother saw it coming, thus, TNA becomes a lesson in tedium to follow, and with four combined hours of Raw & SmackDown! a week, my patience generally has been spent by the time I consider investing another two hours a week in another disappointing product.

However, out of trepidation of redundancy, I figure I owe it as much to you, the reader, as I do myself to offer some variety in this column. Therefore, I watched iMPACT! last Thursday and, although found issues with what I saw at times, the prevailing sense I felt from investing those two hours was positive and was quite entertained!

Unwittingly on my part, this was a great week to become re-acquainted with TNA. Not only were they debuting their broadcast in H-D (which means squat to me, because I’m not that swank in my living room yet), complete with a new opening, they were celebrating (what I believe to be) their premiere live broadcast from a remote location outside the iMPACT! Zone, the Hard Rock Café in Las Vegas. While I positively despise Las Vegas and am not much more stoked on the Hard Rock, this is a fantastic step in the right direction for the company, as it further helps to legitimize them in terms of being able to keep up with the proverbial Jones’, which is important in the market, ever since Vince, Jr. took over Vince, Sr.’s business and upped the expectations of professional wrestling fans’ in terms of production values, ie, if you’re not slick like Vince, you’re automatically deemed bush league. Also, a live broadcast lends a lot of legitimacy to a predetermined product as it ups the unpredictability factor fans appreciate (although, it’s never mattered one way or another to me). Well done in this respect!

In addition to the sense of a fresh start/recharge, tonight saw the beginning of an angle hinted at in on-line rumors which has already been highly criticized before the grand unveiling, that being a “legends” versus “youth” angle. I will admit to having been scrupulous as well, as it sounds on the surface like a twice-warmed-over recycled WCW concept, but I decided to reserve committing myself completely toward one camp or the other until they at least pulled the trigger on the concept, to allow the writers and performers actually make their presentation before passing judgment, which, short of another Hulk Hogan WWE run, I think we, as fans, owe to the professionals telling us these stories.

I was astounded and impressed with the reveal of THE MAIN-EVENT MAFIA. Virtually everything about the presentation of this debut was done well, done right and done first-class. Conceptually, the fact that we had the legends, the men who’ve been through and done it all, introduce us to their union and share their “mission statement” with us in a calm, nonplussed sit-down interview, complete with cocktails and self-assurance, was absolutely perfect. You see, a stable of young, brash upstarts looking to make a name for themselves would have made a huge splash in the middle of the ring to display how earnest and serious they are about putting the locker room on notice; these four men, to use a cliché, need no such introduction. Hell, you could even mention this promo to a buddy who’s not watched wrestling since 2001 and s/he’d be able to put together the gravity these four combining their vision and force carries.

Furthermore, Angle’s snide confidence aside, the fact that this promo was held away and apart from the fans tacitly displays their heel intentions. A face stable coming together/debuting in front of the audience in the ring is a tangible thing which connects and bonds with those in attendance, whereas a backstage segment (that, for all we know, was pre-taped…on a LIVE show…the audacity!) tells fans this union doesn’t involve them, that the stable is functioning not to help or entertain them, but to serve only those who comprise such stable, that, if the fans want to come along for the ride, by all means, do so, but don’t expect to be pandered or catered to, and it’s just that quality of unspoken psychology that guides fans into creating an opinion without their even realizing they’ve done so. Brilliant stuff.

So now begins the quest of THE MAIN-EVENT MAFIA for the honor, dignity, money, power and RESPECK to which they feel entitled following their combined 75 years in the business. While I believe, if handled properly, we could be seeing the genesis (no TNA pun intended) of a highly effective and influential faction, in seeing those comprising it, I’m overwhelmed with questions and, given TNA’s booking track record, doubts with respect to where this impressive quartet could be headed.

With RESPECK to the members of MEM themselves, obviously, Sting’s presence in the group is something of a surprise, given the heel-ish overtones of the faction and that he’s always been the one fighting for the moral upside, the underdog and, generally, the good-guys and, that, although no stranger to honor, dignity and RESPECK, power and money have never figured into the Stinger’s modus operandi and I find it difficult to consider that, at this late stage of his career, he’s completely on board with that end of the “mission statement”, or at least finds complete unity over these values as do the other three.

Furthermore, I was struck at different times when I saw certain pairings in this gang. I guess Kurt Angle has gotten over and Booker T and Sharmell (who lends the stable a capacity of poise and glamour, as well as a ringside presence Karen Angle wouldn’t have been able to afford) have forgiven the whole “gutterslut” incident from a few years ago. And how surreal was it to see Sting and Kevin Nash teaming together?! Their mutual animosity was so heated for so long and ran so deep one wonders exactly if all that disharmony has really been put to rest, white-haired wisdom or not.

In this vain, too, one has to wonder how deeply committed is Sting to this stable and ALL for which it stands, or has he simply managed to invade early so as to undermine MEM before it has a chance to get off the ground? If not, will the fans buy a heel Sting? Judging from the reaction of the fans in attendance last Thursday, I’m not sure if they even buy a total heel Booker.

Normally in TNA’s regard, those are enough land mines set in the path of a potentially good story to blow it to hell, but once we look deeper, more possible issues stand to possibly short-circuit this effort:

It appears as if Angle is the stable spokesman, which is fine and well, as he manages well to project the collective attitude; however, he’s also the youngest member and has a history of needing to be in such a position within such a structure. What happens if Nash decides he would better represent the group as its leader, based upon the success he experienced in the nWo, or if one of the toher two, the champions, decide to pull rank, based upon their gold?

Speaking of such, at the offset, two of the four members of MEM are titleholders, Booker with his new self-appointed Legends Title (think a modern-day Million-Dollar Belt) and Sting as the franchise standard-bearer, the TNA World Champion. My main concern, of course, is Will the WT get lost in the fray of wherever this story takes us, or will it be appropriately featured to add prestige and tone? I see Nash adhering more to the crux of MEM’s stated purpose, money, respect, etc., to such a degree that holding a title is passé in his regard at this point, certainly unnecessary, although welcome should the opportunity present itself. However, we know how synonymous Angle feels are he and his name with championship gold…how long do YOU think he’ll be able to sit by and watch his teammates flaunt their belts before he becomes consumed with jealousy?

With respect to Booker’s LT, if anyone in the modern age can pull off a self-appointed title, it’s Booker, who has, in the last couple years, evolved FAR beyond anyone’s expectations to become one of the most consistent and entertaining players of the decade. It’s also a matter of time before one of the people opposing MEM (perhaps Christian?) manages to defeat Booker for the LT to rub it in the legend’s face, at which time, the belt will most likely have run its course and the booking surrounding the belt HAS to be delicate or else the whole angle runs the risk of jumping the shark. This pretty much needs to occur toward the VERY end of the entire program and if anyone can make it work, I say it again, it’s Booker.

Standing in opposition to MEM appears initially to be Jeff Jarrett, Christian Cage, Samoa Joe and AJ Styles with the new Commissioner Mick Foley as the veritable Wild Card. Although I’m sure we’ll get a healthy dose of matches featuring all talent against one another in every fashion, the main battle lines appear to be drawn thusly: Angle/Jarrett, Booker/Cage, Nash/Joe and Sting/Styles which pretty well suits me fine. Unfortunately, however, although each match stands to carry a lot of high quality entertainment value and storyline significance, I feel the most important endeavor that should be on the plate of the booking committee is to revitalize the careers of Styles (to undo the damage incurred by being Karen Angle’s pussyboy for so long) and Joe (who really suffered due to Nash’s insistence at being the devil-in-angel’s-clothes on Joe’s shoulder the entire duration of his first WT run), and I’m not certain, at least, in Joe’s regard, that goal can be accomplished solely by gaining a measure of revenge against Nash. I’m not going to come down on Nash has harshly as will the majority of The IWC, but he’s NOT Diesel anymore and Joe simply HAS to regain the level of dominance he once enjoyed to truly be viewed and held in the regard at which the company needs him. As much admiration as I have for Nash personally, Joe needs to be put over in a much more physical manner than Nash can provide at this point in his career. Would regaining the WT from Sting suffice…? Exactly WHAT will it take for Joe to re-establish himself?

I have a LOT of time for this program. The talent is top notch from top to bottom, the goal is there and the players are willing. This only stands to improve the company in the long run and it could potentially be a LOT of fun and well exciting along the way. The question is, with so many temptations to take the story off-course, or to “Russo” it midway through, to allow petty in-fighting (a Russo staple, to be certain) to be the downfall, rather than allowing the faces the opportunity to really EARN their victories and thus establish themselves as superior, the new ruling class, will we get where we need to go? I, for one, plan to continue to tune in and find out, fingers crossed all the while!

I’ll touch on a few other things that piqued my interest, one way or another, from last Thursday’s broadcast:

I LOVE Awesome Kong and I’m stoked she regained her title. She’s a real star-maker, as Taylor Wilde is now legitimately a top player in the Knockouts division as a result of her ability to go toe-to-toe with a monster like Kong. Now we can do the same thing with another talent, although, obviously, taking a slightly different route, as an exact carbon copy angle wouldn’t be nearly as effective the second time around.

The Tag Team Hardcore Text-off Gauntlet match is absolutely Exhibit A with respect to how obnoxiously overworked can be a TNA match at times. I’m a very patient man in such instances, but I simply got bored trying to follow announcers Mike Tenay and Don West’s explanation of the rules and just decided to watch and figure it out as it went along. Who had the bright idea to Cyber Sunday the Royal Rumble? How much overkill can YOU stand? And, although the order was INCREDIBLY contrived (I don’t buy that the voting was actually a factor for a second), the match densely over-gimmicked and the Abyss/Matt Morgan business slathered on top served to make this drudgery all the more difficult through which to plod, the performances themselves by all involved were superior and a lot more fun than I was expecting. There’s a VERY strong tag scene in TNA at the moment (far superior than WWE’s, even should all three brands combine their divisions into one), with even the hot-and-cold TEAM 3D working hard, there was a fair amount of sloppiness implicit in this match. Lose the pretention and just let these guys go and we’ll all be the better for it!

I’m disappointed at the state of The X-Division. For one thing, I’ve never been impressed by The Middle-Eastern Nightmare Sheik Shawn Abdul Bashir Davari in the ring and he doesn’t seem to have improved much from his WWE days, although in a 2:00 match, who can say? And does ANYONE think that, were it not for his WWE recognition factor that he’d be going over TNA homie Jay Lethal for The X-Division Title in TWO FUCKING MINUTES?! This falls into the “why bother” category, and, like Samoa Joe, does more to grind Lethal under the heel into the mat than make Bashir and CERTAINLY the XDT look any the better. And now we’re going to see Rhino apparently challenge Bashir…? Could be interesting and could go a ways, if Rhino is victorious, to put The XDT back on track in terms of looking like the come-one come-all origin of the division’s intention instead of Russo’s CWT. However, if Bashir goes over Rhino, what kind of a puss does that make The War Machine…?

Elsewhere in the “why bother” category was the opener between Christie Hemme and Velvet Sky. Granted, at least they opened with a match to capitalize upon the energy of the remote venue, the debut of the H-D broadcast and the live feed, and it was a short little innocuous curtain-jerker, but come on. Where are the REAL Knockouts? And what are a couple of young, hot chicks doing hanging with their dad in “Cute” Kip? Cute? Are you fucking KIDDING me?! You’d think they’d be all up on THE MCMGs or, if they’re looking for a sugar daddy, I could see them sniffing after Scott Steiner, but Kip…?! I like the BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE gimmick, I like the brown bag deal, but they’d be better served as an also-ran attraction for a Chris Masters-type than Anna Nichol-ing their way after an old man.

Finally, with respect to TNA, and this may upset some people, I had absolutely no problem with either the backstage correspondents or the announce team. Perhaps everyone was on their best behavior, but I find myself more gratingly aware of Michael Cole on Mondays than I was of Tenay or West, even if I have to remind myself that West isn’t trying to sell me an OxyClean product. We’ll see if that changes as the weeks turn to months…but thus far, I am optimistic about TNA’s current product and future, which makes me happy to be able to say!

A SIDE OF VITRIOL
I expressed my interest to both have the same quality look at WWECW as I’ve done Raw and SD! in the past couple weeks, as well as to focus solely on the handful of recently-elevated developmental wrestlers…wait…performers…wait…entertainers to have debuted on WWE-TV, but, quite frankly, I’m going to need a couple/few weeks to really study and familiarize myself with both so that I can offer something a bit more informed and substantial than the sound of my own ass talking (I mean, that’s why we keep Cook around, after all). SO, in lieu of such a discussion, I decided that, since I’ve shared with you my top favorite wres…uh, entertainers, that we’d look into my LEAST favorites…and, in some cases, MOST HAAAAAAATED. Before we get into the actual Top Ten (next week), there are some honorable mentions upon which we’ll focus this time around.

First off we’ll have a look at those wrestlers (fuck it…Vince can call them whatever he likes, the following three man were WRESTLERS) on the list whom I, in my abject ignorance as a kid, failed to truly appreciate as fully and completely as I’d do were they currently involved:

Rick Rude: Man did this guy bug back in the day, and having the then-incredibly-hated Bobby Heenan in his corner only dug that trench all the deeper. There was simply nothing redeemable about Rude. He won, hands down, as the single most disgusting entity in the business. That foofy, wavey mullet, that vulgar moustache, his greasy abs and those nauseating airbrushed tights. He made me cringe to look at him. Additionally, there was his “I’m too sexy for my robe” attitude, the same, tired line, “What I’d like to have right now…” and the swiveling hips…that was just the dingleberry cherry on the shit sundae that was being put through a Rick Rude pre-match. By the time he finally got down to wrestling, I was so grossed out by this Magnum PI/’80s gay porn wanna-be I couldn’t have cared less whether he was hey-day Ric Flair or Power Plant-level Bagwell…until he defeated my favorites…and did so by cheating, via Heenan’s interference. OMG, did I EXPLODE when Heenan yanked The Ultimate Warrior’s leg out from underneath him as he attempted to Gorilla Press Rude to finish the match, Heenan hanging on to the ankle (which was under the rope anyway, ref!) for not only the match but Intercontinental Title! (Yes, I was a Warrior mark…I’ve admitted numerous times since this column’s inception at what a fucking ignorant lunatic mark I was back in the day, and long after I should have known better…I’ve gone to wrestling church and lit numerous candles in abject repentance.)

Of course, eons later, I recognize Rude for the talent he was and would LOVE a two- or three-disc career retrospective and would go so far as to say that I wholeheartedly believe he was cheated out of a deserving HWT run. I retroactively acknowledge the brilliance and completeness of his gimmick and the power he had to milk it for all it was worth to revile me the way he did…that’s a full-blown performer (no pun intended), and one must respect that quality of ability, to say nothing of the fantastic wrestler he was. Too, I don’t think anyone had ever stuck it to Vince McMahon the way he did back during the Monday Night Wars, taking advantage of the facts that 1) Raw ran a week live and a week taped, alternately, 2) he lost all respect for Vince after Montreal and so, 3) abruptly left The WWF (with whom he had no contract) and signed with WCW, becoming the only man to appear on both Raw ANA Nitro in the same night. Vince never got him back for that, either, because he passed away before McMahon consumed the business, thus gaining the ability to force anyone who wanted to work to play nice with him.

Randy Savage: WOW did I hate this guy back in the day. As was the case with Rude, the nuances that all contributed to a successful gimmick were all in play and completely working on me to earn my absolute disdain: coming to the ring to a song like “Pomp & Circumstance”, that Flair-like egomania to feel such a song as that was appropriate (of course, today, I view as absolute brilliance), his ridiculous sunglasses, that…HAIR…or lack of it, as was the case…in some parts of his head (I used to wonder if he had mange), the disgusting manner in which he treated his valet and apparent romantic (using that term loosely!) interest Miss Elizabeth used to infuriate me! And, as is always the case with heels, his propensity to cheat to climb to the top of the card (especially over my favorites) only pissed me off more. Oh, and Macho Man? Are you shitting me with that? Macho Man. In the ‘80s. I was like, you…DO know the Village People were the epitome of gay ‘70s disco, right…?

Compounding the issue were the things I wasn’t supposed to hate about him that I did, like his completely annoying delivery of promos…I was never sure if he was trying to actively pass a particularly impossible turd, a stubborn kidney stone or both, but his grating, YEAH, gravelly voice was like dragging a rake across a chalkboard for me. Then he had these weird-ass quirks like randomly lifting those ridiculous glasses up so his freaky bug-eyes could peek out, or the way he’d flick out his tongue, YEAH, at the most random moments…the FUCK was this goof ON?!

Then the absolute ‘80s WWF heresy…I HATED Elizabeth. True, Savage’s treatment of her was unforgiveable, but he’d have treated ANY docile woman in such a manner and it sent me to the moon. However, I couldn’t help but kinda not blame him, because she was just SUCH a jellyfish. She contributed absolutely NOTHING to his success. She just stood there with that pathetic expression glued on her face, clapping lethargically on cue through an apparent Xanax haze to support her freakshow of a man, who apparently hogged all the amphetamines for himself. She wasn’t even that exceptionally attractive, either. She looked like some Arbor Mist-sipping stay-at-home wife that could be found in any two-bit Arkansas beauty parlor. By the time they ran the whole wedding angle between the enlightened Savage and Liz, I was BEGGING for Jake Roberts’ cobra to bite them both.

However, there WERE two occasions when, even back in the day, I was forced to respect Savage:

1) The infamous ring bell incident which set up the legendary WrestleMania 3 match against Ricky Steamboat. That angle was absolutely brilliant from inception to culmination. My brother and I, to hear Steamboat try to talk after Savage’s amazingly realistic-looking attack to the throat with the time bell, we were actually wondering if Savage had gotten carried away, overzealous or had really, accidentally injured The Dragon. Of course, the blow off speaks for itself. GOOD SHIT right there.

2) When Savage, who had wisely dumped pitiful, pathetic Liz for The Sensational One Sherri Martel, a corner-person who could REALLY help make a difference on his behalf and the duo jumped and beat the living shit out of polka-dot Dusty Rhodes and that blubbery picture of uselessness, Thweet Thapphire. I NEVER hated Savage & Liz as much as I hated Rhodes & Sapphire, for reasons we’ll get into next, if I may tip my hand a bit. Sherri threw her whole body into kicking Sapphire when she was lying on the ground, Savage repeatedly coming off the top buckle to land on Rhodes, who languished in pain on the floor. It was even as close to male-on-female violence The WWF ever came, which, in ANY other case over which I’d have been furious, but in Sapphire’s case, I was willing to make an exception. And then Savage grabs the mic at ringside and busts out an, “OOOOOOOOOH, YEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!!!” and I realized why they call it “heat”; the crowd’s angry, disdainful response was so complete and sudden, it was the sonic equivalent to opening a hot oven and feeling that rush of heat overcome you…it was AWESOME.

Now, of course, through the craziness into which we’ve seen Savage slide over the years (Macho Madness, indeed), I recognize him for being one of the most incredibly savvy and capable performers of his day, even being a pioneer (no, I will NOT say maverick) for the quality of performance afforded us today by Shawn Michaels. As with Rude, Savage deserved more time on top as a HWT holder.

Dusty Rhodes: I know, I know…how dare I? It’s been a LONG, arduous process to healing in Duthty’s regard, and I owe a lot to Larry and thegun for helping me see Rhodes as more than just that black-woman-trapped-in-an-impossibly-obese-white-man’s-body, and I finally have come to the point where I really revere Rhodes’ ability. His charisma is as infectious as a pair of panties worn back to back by first Missy Hyatt, then Lita, which fuels his way with words foreign even to some of wrestling’s most silver of tongues and a great mind for the business. What really forced me to swing my opinion, though, was that which I hated in the first place…how could someone so incredibly ENORMOUS manage to go night after night in hour-long matches with the likes of Ric Flair?! At his age, I was ¼ his size, but I don’t think I could have managed it, even at my most athletic, which, admittedly, has always been fairly negotiable.

However, his arrival in The WWF back in the day made my skin crawl. As I’ve made clear here numerous times, I was greatly deprived The NWA growing up, but I did know enough to recognize that Rhodes was a BIG name. However, with those ridiculous vignettes of The Common Man running for months before his actual debut, he looked like a big fat idiot, posing with toilets and digging ditches and God knows what all else they had him doing. THEN he finally debuts and here comes Blotchdutht, sporting HUGE yellow & black polka dots, in these little Speedos, prancing around the ring, shaking his fat ass…I swear, I was skinny as a teenager because Dusty kept me off food for over a year. Then to bring Sapphire, God rest that horribly ugly face…she made Elizabeth look like JJ Dillon in the corner. And then SHE’D start dancing too! Bless them they were having fun, but it was absolutely NOTHING for which I was watching wrestling.

As I’ve said, I’ve come around a full 180 degrees in Dusty’s regard and I’m happy about that (and bummed that my 3-DVD set never came and that I had to file a claim with Amazon to get my money back). Rhodes is a real treasure and I’ve enjoyed every old NWA match I’ve ever seen him involved with and look forward to FINALLY owning my own DVD set, so as to enjoy those classic matches and promos whenever I like.

EEF you WEEE-yull.

Jerry Lawler: In like fashion, Lawler is someone I positively cannot stand to this day, but I reserve a lot of that hatred because I’ve seen precious little footage of his active in-ring career, from back in his prime. I don’t want to make the same mistake with him as I made with Rhodes and sound off too loudly against someone I may very well end up respecting once I’m properly educated. However, I do find myself mistrustful over someone who owned and ran his own territory for so long and has so many world titles to his credit because he booked his way into them himself. Too, as will be the case later on in this countdown, I am reticent to give a ration of props to someone who plays such an effective heel because he happens to be an annoying motherfucker simply as God made him and, furthermore, manages to allow that assholism to carry over in the ring in lieu of actual athletic talent (it could be suggested that his true talent lies in that of cartoon artistry).

He’s obviously an effective announcer and has been so for over a decade and called some of the most historic matches of the modern era, although his is an annoying ilk if not kept in check (one word…PUPPIES!!!). He knows how to play for drama, for comedy and an overall sense of believability, although, too, has the propensity to play up the overdramatic factor, as well as pander as a commentator at times, even telegraphing an outcome with his over-animated antics.

And this is just me, but when he goes off on his Extremely Crappy Wrestling, I want to see old school Taz rip off his arm and shove it up his ass. Oh, yeah…that king gimmick would have been stupid even in the ‘70s. Booker OWNED the king gimmick…THAT’S a wrestling mind, Jerbabes.

I’m hoping for a comprehensive Lawler DVD set because I truly want to educate myself to his ringwork, although I think we might have to wait till he retires from announcing for that to happen. S’okay…I can wait.

Sid: Jesus I hate this guy. He couldn’t have been more one-dimensional if he’d been a member of THE ROAD WARRIORS, but at least Hawk & Animal could cut a promo. “In this game, you must HIT…or be HITTEN! KICK…or be KICKEN!” Really. And that was one of his better ones.

My favorite Sid promo was when he was facing challenger Bret Hart for the HWT, and he was standing in the middle of the ring, JR holding the mic up to his gaping, lipless mouth, that glare of intensity and anger smoldering from his (empty) blue eyes as he bellowed, “I WILL be victorious, BRITMAN…” a short beat as his mouth closes as he realizes he’s undermined his intensity by accidentally combining “Bret” and “Hitman”, the expression of “shit…” flashing in his unblinking eyes only to go on, “HIT…MAN…” It’s gold and I’ve done it justice…ha, justice…I kill me.

The guy had power and intensity, there’s no denying that, but for all that intensity, you’d think he matched that for passion, right? Nope. It didn’t matter who put this numbskull over, what titles or main events he was given, come softball season, the dumbass was no-showing events on game days left and right. That’s just absolute disrespect for the business and for those who deserved to be HWC in his place, but weren’t so Vince could feature this country dumb assclown who’d abandon the company at a moment’s notice.

But you gotta love a guy who’ll lose a title while he loses a load in his shorts on the biggest stage of them all, as JBL would say, “Whennem LAUGHTS’RE own BRAUGHT!”

THE BUSHWHACKERS: And if there was anyone on the roster ever who could make Sid look like a Rhodes scholar, it’s these two crust stains. The single most one-dimensional, shallow and annoying gimmick in history. At least The Berserker was just…special. Cousins Luke & Butch made Hacksaw Jim Dugan look richly complex. An absolute waste.

COMMENTPALOOZA!
this column is really tedious to read. it seems like you’re throwing in every big word you know (or can find in a thesaurus) in an effort to sound intelligent. but it makes your columns unnecessarily wordy. it’s not good writing when you use 15 words to say something that can be easily said in 5.
Posted By: Tim L. (Guest)

not a bad column, but there’s some odd word choice I picked up on. You mention the “alacrity” between Taker and Vicky, when in reality, alacrity is simply a synonym for “speed” or “haste”, while the word I believe you intended was “acrimony” referencing disharmony and malevolent feelings.
As for the column itself it was good, and I’m hoping for more humorous anecdotes about your brother, as my high school experience was rather humor free.
Still, an enjoyable read with solid analysis and some decent comments to boot, what’s not to love?
Posted By: Last_Rider (Guest)

Sorry if you find it problematic, but, really, and Larry, JT and Cook can vouch, this is really how I talk. I’m sorry if some folks need to have a separate browser open to Dictionary.com to get through this column, which I consider a complement, especially since I’ve not touched a Thesaurus in over a decade, but I refuse to dumb down this column to accommodate everyone. As Morris day once said, “This dance ain’t for everyone, just the sexy people.” To attempt to express myself in any other manner than that which I’ve been doing for the near 4 years for which I’ve been writing for this site would be insincere and bogus and I refuse to do that. People have criticized Rob Van Dam for ornamenting his style just to land an elbowdrop, too, and, as might be inferred by the column’s title, he’s regarded as one of the greatest of all time up in here.

HOWEVER, I am most certainly NOT perfect, and I will make mistakes, and I enjoy having readers such as Last Rider point them out and correct me on them to keep me honest! Thanks, Rider, hope to see you around here again!

i think Geoff meant where they are RIGHT now. (William Regal is feuding with Jamie Noble who has only recently been seen as anything other than comedy guy that loses) Although I do find it strange that Geoff thinks that THE Brian Kendrick is an upper midcarder and Shelton isn’t.
Posted By: markhenrysquash20740234 (Guest)

HAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH
Posted By: TBK (Guest)

I take it you disagree. LOL. And I’ll actually concede in Kendrick’s regard, who appears to be in a holding pattern, especially as Zeke is being established more in his own regard. However, Kendrick was involved in more than one main event level contest soon after the draft and more than held his own, so I held onto that spot for him, even if, admittedly, he may have slid in the interim.

I will not waver, though, on my assessment of Regal. He’s a fantastic talent, and was poised to go on a roll after having won KOTR, but that Wellness infraction just skidded the traction off his tires and knocked him down the hierarchy such that he’s lucky to make it on Raw to participate in a disjointed feud with Jamie Noble, a talented but bottom-feeding roster member.

Benjamin, on the other hand, is where he is because he is a midcard guy among other midcard guys (MVP, R-Truth) holding the midcard belt. Now, I DO believe that this run is SO solid that we will likely be seeing Benjamin moving up the Friday night card very soon, but for now, he’s the lord of the midcard.

Geoff – The stuff with your brother was the funniest stuff I have read in a long time. I miss high school already and I didn’t have anything like this in my life to fall back on. Thanks for sharing.

More later but I am still trying to figure out how big those doors are to get the desk out of the class without the war hero noticing.
Posted By: thegunisgood (Registered)

Thanks, old friend…I had a great time relating my brother’s exploits and recalling those days in the Moroles Army. And to answer your question, El Capitan’s desk was small and light, although Kevin & Eric were pretty strong.

You make some great points with respect to why SD! is the WWE DogHouse, such that I didn’t consider, as always seems to be the case with you. I swear, the two of us on a Podcast…

It irritates me that so much of what MADE wrestling back in our day is being eschewed as useless in Vince’s eyes today. Tag teams…managers…a knowledgeable second would make SUCH a difference with so many of these green kids out there trying to develop a personality and would, as you said, do a LOT to further more established acts such as MVP. I DO think UNTOUCHABLE as a whole could really use a solid corner person to help anchor and guide the team.

But why does EVERYONE still talk about Kennedy’s ONE wellness infraction as if he’s Jeff Hardy or something? When he was suspended, for the record, like EIGHT other guys were suspended at the same time INCLUDING Morrison and Umaga. So please, someone address/explain that to me.

Finally, no your column is in no way difficult to read. But then I have advanced degrees in Literature and Philosophy– so, take that as you will but I found it an intelligent and thought provoking piece.
Posted By: M:-X (Guest)

Thanks, M:-X…you’re one of the regulars whose comments I look forward to reading each week.

You bring up a great point in Kennedy’s regard and I think many of us are left a little cold because there was a time he was “SD!’s fastest-rising superstar” who defeated, how many was it, eight former world champions in the course of six months? And then he was busted and suspended (and you’re right, with a slew of others) and, although not an abject failure by any means, and has certainly assembled an impressive win/loss record, he just doesn’t seem to really be any closer to a WWET shot than he was his first day back from suspension. Hell, he’s not even in line for an ICT shot. That still counts as a significant drop in a lot of people’s books, especially when he was headlining a PPV challenging Batista for the WT just months before his suspension. Going back to that suspension is the only way a lot of us left scratching our heads can account for the derailing of what had previously been a runaway train to the top.

I like pie… but where was the pie in that column?! The love for the women wrestlers, that’s what I mean! Sre, it’s only one division, but if you do WWECW, at least do the women before working on TNA.
Posted By: Gothekain (Guest)

I’m sure I’ll get a ration of shit for this, but I simply don’t regard women’s wrestling as being REAL wrestling, not like the mens’ divisions, at least in WWE. And it’s not like the women are going to go up and down the card in their division with the same fluctuation. Their pushes are meaningless and arbitrary seem to be cycled. I think it’s a crime that REALLY talented women like Natalya and Victoria are forced to share the ring to put over lumps like Maryse and Maria, who are beautiful women and really improving, but, as thegun himself once said, a women’s match must be flawless to be passable and so few really are such. I know this is potentially offensive and I apologize for this, I don’t mean to suggest women are no good and should just be there to jiggle for the menfolk, but really, how many WNBA games did you sit through last season?

Charter friend of 5SC Toddo continues to wave the flag of his pro rasslin beliefs:

As far as the roster goes, They do have a great one, but as I have said in the past, we all know it is about more that just wrestling talent that gets these guys over the hump… Character development, would go a long way in making the sub-mid-carders seem more like upper midcarders, and so forth..
Posted By: Toddo (Guest)

What can I say, man, fight the good fight…I’m behind ya all the way.

Geoff, concerning the big words that you use, I don’t mind them because you don’t sound like your trying to sound smart. Pick up an Entertainment Weekly, they sound as if they are the entertainment gods and we are the weaklings. Great column as usual. I disagree with you on the Festus part though. There is so much you can do with the character. They need to give him some other personalities. He has the dumb and the wild man ones, but they have been showing him with the hots for Maria. Maybe that could be another one. Another idea is to have the whole thing be a hoax on the fans or one on Jessie. We could have Festus attack Jessie, only to find out that he has a mental problem. I know it would be a sensitive issue, but it could end with a touching moment between the “brothers”. Finally, it could educate the audience about multiple personality disorders. I don’t know if the “smart” fans would care about it but it’s certainly a noble cause and could give the WWE some good publicity.
Posted By: The Great Capt. Smooth (Guest)

I have no idea why I don’t have a job with the E.
Posted By: Owen Can’t Fly (Guest)

Or they could have Festus chasing a mariachi band around ringside and the backstage area trying to impress Maria…oh.

I don’t think either of your ideas are too far out of the realm of possibility on SD!, especially Owen’s. In fact, I think we’re headed squarely in that direction.

I agree with you about the suggestion that Vince is keeping a majority of wrestlers (Noble, Super Crazy, London) from going to TNA. Heck, you could even say that about Kendrick, who I think would RULE the X-Divsion with his heel antics.

I don’t think the R-Truth push will inspire many guys to jump ship. His push is more about continuing to build up the African-American initiative, which is a good thing.
Posted By: Orlando (Guest)

Thanks, Orlando…although with a weenus like Bashir as XDC in TNA, with the amazing roster of talent in the X-D, I think the cycle with the belt these days would start to resemble WWE’s women’s divisions. Good call on the multi-cultural awareness, too!

Okay, that’s 5SC for this week! Thanks for coming along…now it’s your turn!

RIP SD Jones
RIP Leah Maivia
God bless Jennifer Hudson and her family