Five Star Conversation 11.04.08: Action in The Dome!

But we have a lot of ground to cover this week so let’s get this donkey show on the road! Your referee…Bronco Lubich!

THOUGHT OF THE WEEK: Of which promotion are you most sick? A) John Cena’s return, or B) High School Musical 3?

BAKO CROSSES THE LINE, TNA-STYLE!
When I first heard TNA was coming to California, I was absolutely stoked and prayed I’d have the good fortune to see the show…bearing in mind, they’d likely not be SO overconfident such that they’d attempt to sell out something like Staples Center, but, based upon some of their other such similar delusions of grandeur, one was left wondering. Well, no…and good for them.

They offered three shows in Southern California, one in the Inland Empire, specifically Ontario, one in Orange County, specifically Anaheim (and NO, not The Pond!) and the third at The Dome in Bakersfield (NOT Southern California, really, but close enough). I’m going to admit to prejudice here, I fucking HATE the IE (from what I can gather, it’s rows and rows and rows of identical, scary suburban tract housing…I mean, there’s not even a fast food joint or a gas station visible off the freeway…all in all, I can see why David Lynch’s latest film is set there) and I hate Orange County even more (Absolute RIGHTRIGHTRIGHTwing militant Republican fundamentalist Christians…SHUDDERS, and those who aren’t tend to be spoiled, self-righteous brats in their own right…there’s a reason Bravo’s “Real Housewives” franchise started there), which left Bakersfield, a town for which I hold a grip of disdain, being my Godforsaken hometown, as well, but at least I have family and friends there, so the choice was pretty obvious. Besides, I think ticket prices were collectively cheaper for the closer seats. So Bako it was.

I met up with my brother, Kevin, yes the one who has commented here in the past, at The Dome, which sounds like a really big deal, but, quite frankly, my parents’ church dwarfs the venue, which is NOT an insult; quite to the contrary, it proved to me that I’d made the right choice, for, as soon as I walked through the door and two feet to the left, I could see one of the turnbuckles set up maybe 20 feet from where I was standing. As chance would dictate, our seats were in the section just in front of the entrance to the “arena”. Third row ringside, opposite the talent entrance. It was more than a little surreal seeing this set-up mere feet in front of me after having seen it on television from the other side of the country for years.

We took our seats and settled in, which was difficult, as the seats were crammed tightly together. Kevin is a bigger guy than I am and had to kinda scrunch to prevent his elbows from digging into either me or the young lady who sat next to him on the other side. As the place wasn’t quite filled up (no, this was NOT a sell-out by any means, which is sad for such a small place, say about 1,000 capacity with 700 people there), it struck me that management could have spaced out the seats some and given us more elbow room, especially since the bleacher seats were going for the same rate I paid for our seats, but meh.

As we sat down, Jeremy Borach was already in the ring, hyping the crowd. “Who’s that?” Kevin leaned over to inquire. “Ryan Seacrest?” The fans were filing in and getting anxious for the show to begin, but JB wasn’t done stoking the fire, as he claimed it was the intention of TNA to reward the loudest, rowdiest fans in attendance, so if the fans were screaming and getting into the action and felt a tap on their shoulder, a TNA representative would be there, not with a T-shirt, not with a DVD, not with a program, but with a backstage pass! And the place went NUTS. There was a guy I was sure gonna be thrown out because he was twirling a T-shirt over his head with one hand and slamming the guard rail into the floor, up and down, with the other, but he wasn’t even reprimanded. Wow…

The crowd suitably pumped, the first match was announced, an X-Division ThreeWay Dance involving “The Guru” Sonjay Dutt (I thought of our beloved Christi Csonka), who came to the ring collecting cash in his little tambourine (although if that was his gas fund, he’d better hope TNA’s flying him to the next venue!), New Japan’s Hiroshi Tanahashi (whom I found to be quite impressive) and “Living In America” Consequences Creed (who was sporting one boot that said “Creed” as usual, but the other read “Austin”, which I suspected was his full name, and which Larry later confirmed for me). There was an audible amount of disdain for Creed which I found surprising (although the USA chants were predictably impressive), as there was virtually NO love for The Guru and the expected “who the fuck are you” reaction for Tanahashi.

The best part of this opener was the obvious story playing out from the onset. As soon as the bell rang, the foreigners’ pact to take out the American became apparent and the majority of the first part of the match was Creed fighting the odds, and with an admirable amount of success, but the hallowed words of Michael Cole rang through my ears as “THE NUMBERS GAME CAUGHT UP” with our American hero. However, Creed’s break came when, as Dutt was drawing heat from the crowd (ripping off everyone from Hogan’s posing to Rick Rude’s swiveling hips), Tanahashi broke the deal by attempting to steal a victory, scoring only a two-count. Dutt was incredulous, but Tanahashi managed to smooth things over, only going for the pin a second time, only this time there was no quelling Dutt’s outrage (or ‘roid rage…his amazing abs are balanced by the network of bacne he’s sporting) at having been double-crossed again. Fool me once…This was Creed’s chance to divide and conquer which was exactly what he did, scoring a pinfall for the victory (apologies…I don’t recall upon who).

Although certainly not a horrible match with blown spots or whatever (there were none at the show), the general artistry of the match was lacking…it was pretty obvious, eg, that Dutt was charging, pausing and jumping a split-second before he and Creed locked arms for the armdrag and there were some embarrassingly weak body shots throughout. Kevin, who, during the match, wore an expression of someone who’s just realized he’s shat his pants in church, later told me, “I was sitting there thinking, ‘Oh, shit, what have I gotten myself INTO?!'” On the plus side, and I will admit preference for Japanese wrestling, Tanahashi displayed the best psychology in the match, recalling to me, at least, a young Chris Jericho, which are NOT bad shoes in which to follow.

Next up was a tag team attraction between 2/3 of THE PRINCE JUSTICE BROTHERHOOD Hot-N-Spicy Curry Man & Super Eric Young versus Hernandez & Homocide, THE LATIN AMERICAN XCHANGE. (The several kids in Sharkboy masks throughout the arena must have been depressed.) This seemed to me to be, on the surface, at least, a total mismatch, as, although we know Christopher Daniels can freakin GO and Showtime has earned that moniker on more than a couple occasions, LAX are former BADASS tag champs and PJB is pretty much a capable comedy act. Plus, with a STRONG Latino contingent in Bakersfield, I figured LAX would blow the roof off the place, and they did, but Curry Man and ESPECIALLY Eric Young had a VERY solid and vocal fanbase in the house for this rugged match, as well, to the end that, when a fan held up a “Super Eric” sign, Hernandez (who is gigante in person!) looked at my section, pointing to the sign, saying, “Is this guy KIDDING?!” We all came together and cheered Hernandez, though, when he busted out The Three Amigos on Young, garnering a HUGE and extended “EDDIE!” chant.

PJB made a strong showing for themselves and lasted a whole lot longer than I thought they would, but LAX seemed ready and able to cut them off every time they managed to turn the considerable tide against the former champs, who were able to back up the other at every turn until finally, they seemed to be of the same mind, exhibiting like “Okay, that’s IT” facial expressions to end the competitive bout with The Border Toss on Curry Man. LAX walked the circumference of the ring, grabbing high-fives from La Raza, Curry Man limping after them to head backstage, but Eric called him back and had his music start up again. Curry Man found his energy and helped escort four little kids dressed as Mr. Hot-N-Spicy into the ring for a consolation dance party, which was cute.

The following match was a brief affair pitting Roxxi, sporting her new look, to face in vain TNA KnockOuts Champion, Awesome Kong, with Raisha Saeed, who addressed the fans with what appeared to be a prototypical “You stinking Americans” monologue. I say “appeared” because the sound system at The Dome left a little to be desired and it was difficult to hear what was being said a lot of the time. What followed was a pretty typical “game opponent does her best but can’t stand up to the power, size and ferocity of Kong” match, although Roxxi was WAY over. Except with my brother. “Is SHE the best they got…?” He meant both in terms of looks and talent. I explained how she used to be a voodooienne with purple dreads who backed Kip and BG James. Quickly losing the modicum of interest he had to begin with on the subject, he had an expression of “I guess she’s on her way up then…” on his face.

A fun side note, the guy behind me (who, we’ll say is small in stature) had a sign that said “Kong is carrying my baby” as he was trying to win the favor of the TNA representative in the ring toward the end of intermission, to which the TNA rep replied, “Judging from the look of you, guy, you wouldn’t last two minutes and twelve seconds with Kong!” To which the sign guy admirably replied, “Yeah but it’d be the BEST two minutes and twelve seconds of her LIFE!”

The final match before intermission pitted “The Samoan Submission Machine” Samoa Joe versus “Olympic Gold Medalist” Kurt Angle. I was quite frankly SHOCKED that we got such a marquee match at a house show and that, not only was it NOT the main event, but that it was closing the opening portion of the evening. Quite honestly, it was surreal to see Angle so close up and in such a small venue, all things considered. He hit the ring and my brother had two thoughts: “Man, he looks torn UP.” (I, for one, did not concur, although, Kevin was the athlete, not me.) “Right now, Kurt’s thinking, ‘What the FUCK has happened to my career?!” Then Joe swaggered to the ring to cheers and Kevin had two more questions, “Who the fuck is that?!” and “He logs a lot of gym time, huh?” We all hope Kevin comes out of his shell soon and really starts to speak his mind.

What followed was a greatly abbreviated version of the same match we’ve seen from these two many times in the past, very basically broken down to Joe hitting a series of signature high-impact moves, Kurt slowing things down by getting him on the mat (“Do they,” inquired my brother, “have to resort to those rest spots so Joe can catch his breath…?”), Joe fighting up and escaping, hitting more high-impact maneuvers, Kurt countering, sinking The Ankle Lock, Joe countering, going on the offense, Kurt landing The Angle Slam, Joe recovering and nailing The MuscleBuster for the surprising three.

After the match, Angle grabbed the mic and I actually said out loud, “Oh, boy. Here we go…” expecting a scathing heel promo, but, to my utter surprise, he humbly thanked us all for coming out and supporting TNA and all the great athletes like Joe, whom he thanked for a great match, and said TNA would be back again. Wow, that was completely unexpected, but incredibly classy!

Oh, Joe’s reaction to the sign in the crowd that read “Joe is a fat, over-rated jobber” was quite funny, just that smug, Oh YEAH?! as he sauntered by with a satisfied expression on his face after having won the bout.

Back from intermission we were treated to a hell of a fun contest pitting TEAM 3D against BEER MONEY, INC. with Jacqueline Moore. The last time I saw Jackie in person was in Fresno (ah, yes, so much of God’s country in this week’s column…) at Selland Arena for the inaugural FULLY LOADED PPV where her titty popped out during a bikini contest against Sable. Not really anything either here or there, just a fun little mention.

Now I know 3D get a LOT of shit these days, but this crowd was going fucking NUTS for these guys and it was easy to get drawn into it. Hell, I was an old school ECW fan. So imagine my utter surprise and delight when an abrupt and absolutely rafter-raising “EC-DUB! EC-DUB!” chant BUSTED out when they hit the ring! Ray took the mic and said, “That’s great to hear, Bakersfield, and you know the original ECW…not that CRAP they’re putting out now…[resounding boos from the crowd]…the original ECW is near and dear to our hearts, but now, how about a loud, heartfelt T-N-A!!!” And the fans followed the chant…it was a great moment.

But it didn’t end there! Almost seamlessly, the chant morphed into “We want tables!” with Ray and Devon egging us on. But James Storm grabbed the mic and barked, “You can chant all you want, but there ain’t gonna BE no tables tonight!” which earned a chorus of boos. He carried on cutting a great heel promo about how B-Town should be kissing B$’s asses and how they’re better than all of us. Fat chance, Buck, you drink domestic beer.

Once they got down to the match, it was such a basic blueprint that was so well ornamented by these five professionals who truly appear to enjoy working with each other. They did the spot where the face gets the upper hand on the heel and slams him to the mat, the heel, stinging, quickly crawls on his knees to the corner and wraps his arms around his partner’s legs, his face in something of a, erm, negotiable area. Ray grabbed the mic and referred to Storm, who was the heel on the apron, as “Peewee,” which incited a HUGE “PEEWEE” chant and sporadic ones for the remainder of the match.

There was also a hilarious spot where Ray ended up sling-shotting all three foes into a corner and charging it to sandwich them altogether, Storm falling flat on his back, Jackie then falling face-first into his crotch, then Roode, dazed, hit his knees, his groin squishing into Jackie’s upturned and considerable hinder. Realizing his good fortune, he began simulating doggy-style, the crowd reacting, Roode getting on his feet, obviously proud of himself and self-amused, Ray right there when he turned around, smiling and joining in, the two high-fiving, only for Ray to lay him out with a roll of fives. GREAT fun. Not innovative, but played SO well.

On the go-home, 3D had everything going their way, despite frequent and effective interference by Jackie, Devon did his spin, “Oh, my brother, TESTIFY!!!”, Ray smacked him on the chest, “DEVON…” then he turns to the crowd, “ALL TOGETHER…GET THE TABLES!!!” But “Queer Money” as one creative member of the crowd kept yelling, rallied, Jackie jumping Devon on the outside as Roode snuck in with a devastating super kick to Ray’s jaw, slid Storm’s arm over Ray’s chest and that was all she wrote for one of the most entertaining tag matches I’ve ever seen in person, second only to LOS GUERREROS versus THE BASHAM BROTHERS with Shaneequa at Staples Center years ago. BEER MONEY have TOTALLY gelled and are as solid a team as WWE has ever offered, they work tremendous heel and have such obvious fun doing so, and Jackie STILL is a gorgeous woman who is a HELL of a lot more than ¾ of the Barbie dolls Vince has “wrestling” for him.

As they exited the ring, Ray again got the mic and addressed us, like Kurt Angle, thanking us for being such a great crowd and promising to return, ending with, “Thanks, Bakersfield, you’re hardcore!”

What truly surprised me the most about the evening was the fact that AJ Styles and Christian Cage closed the show, that they would oppose one another, as they’re supposed to be on the same side in the veritable war on-going in TNA, but I suppose those battle lines haven’t necessarily been too terribly clearly drawn on the faces part.

Granted, the crowd was still pumped from the awesome tag match preceding it, but the place just came unglued when Cage and Styles hit the ring…about the same time my GODDAM camera battery decided it’d had enough action for the night. Nope, not pissed at ALL to have missed getting pics and video THIS CLOSE to such a great match with two of my current favorites. Not at ALL. I’ve been a card-carrying Peep for years and I’ve always believed in AJ’s talent (that whole period where he was wasting time with Karen Angle and being a prince or whatever, that’s a different matter, but that’s ALL behind The Phenomenal One now!).

By the way, with respect to the photos versus video ratio, I took many more videos than I did pics. I’m going to attempt to upload the videos I took to YouTube.com this week and feature them next week.

To that end, I WISH I’d have been able to get video of the first minute of the match when, really, for a solid MINUTE, there was an absolutely UPROARIOUS, CONSTANT “LET’S GO AY-JAY!/LET’S GO CHRIS-TIAN!” back and forth chant that would have had the iMPACT! Zone whimpering to the corner of Disneyworld with a poop in its pants! It was truly special and the boys reacted accordingly in the ring, fucking GOING for it against one another, stiff-shot after stiff-shot…Cage popped Styles in the jaw and his gum went flying, landing on the canvas and I swear to you, we weren’t sure if it wasn’t a tooth. AJ responded with an uppercut that had Christian shaking his head and I caught him muttering something to Styles as he whipped Cage to the ropes, shaking the cobwebs as if he was actually saying to him, “Easy, man, that almost knocked something loose!” Fast-paced, engaging and snug, this was a much better match than I think anyone in attendance was expecting to be treated to. There was a wealth of false finishes, including a beautiful frogsplash by Cage I was certain was going to end the contest, but, NO, just TWWWOOOO!!! Styles fought out of The Unprettier several times, FINALLY twisting around, lightning quick wrapping one leg around Cage’s, then the other, out of literally NOWHERE, Styles Clash for the pin! And as the third count went down a spontaneous “TEE-YEN-AYY!” chant went up among the entire crowd for an incredible end to a hell of a fun night!

Styles grabbed the mic as Cage left the ring, selling being absolutely dazed from the battling beautifully, such that he didn’t know where Styles was at first, Styles alluded to the war in TNA and said he doesn’t really know where Cage’s allegiance lies, but asked him to please defeat Booker T for the Legends Title. Cage gave him that crooked grin, while selling a sore jaw, an expression of pained determination on his face, and gave him a thumb’s up to resounding cheers.

The same TNA official from intermission hit the ring again and, I don’t know if they said this at the other Cali shows, but seemed to be genuinely bowled over by the incredible fan response and asked us what we thought about TNA holding a Pay-Per-View from somewhere in the area. Of course we screamed our approval. Fuck YEAH I’d be there…this was a DAMN FINE show…like, that SmackDown! I paid $150 to be ringside for fucking SUCKED, ESPECIALLY compared to this show. It simply upholds what many of us have said all along…if the booking wasn’t so horrible and insulting, the talent these guys have and the manner in which they know how to connect with the fans, TNA would find themselves a hell of a lot closer to where they should and deserve to be.

Kevin’s final synopsis – Although reticent to actually admit he had a good time (I’ve mentioned that he hasn’t really followed or enjoyed wrestling since we were kids), he did admit, “You could really tell when the guys who really knew what they were doing and had been around longer hit the ring.” Bottom line, if you get the opportunity to attend a TNA show, DO IT. ANY fan of wrestling will be entertained.

I HAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE YEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW!!!
As promised, we continue to look at the wrestlers who have earned my utter hatred over the years. Last week we touched on a couple performers who, for one reason or another, I held utter disdain for in the past, but, upon reflection and age, have come to respect, along with a couple more whom I still wouldn’t piss on if they were on fire. We continue on in this fashion this week, delving into the Top Ten itself and starting off with a bang:

10. Bret Hart.
Yeah, sorry. The second solo piece I ever wrote for 411 detailed in a simultaneous lengthy yet concise manner exactly why I hold both such respect and utter disgust for Hart, so I’ll not labor the point here, other than to say, if I didn’t respect Hart so much, I’d probably not dislike him so much. On the other side of the coin, if he didn’t respect HIMSELF so much, he’d probably be a lot easier to like. Nothing and no one can take away the stellar career he had with The WWF, that there are few if any who could match him in the ring, on the mat, but few can refute in real, honest terms that his obsessive NEED to be remembered as the best EVER combined with his newly found compulsion to be the self-appointed truth police in the world of professional wrestling (as long as that truth acknowledges him as being the best there was and the best there ever will be) is running his legacy through the mud. Believe me, I’ve cooled a LOT on Bret over the years and am extending a MUCH larger amount of respect and grace than I did even a few years ago, as can attest Larry, thegun, Cook, The Penguin, Crucial…any of the old TWTF gang. But until Bret stops believing his own “hero” gimmick, there’s always going to be a place on this list for him.

9. Tito Santana
Larry hates me for this, and I’m likely going to get a sound talking to by thegun, but Chico was just the soundest poster boy for what I uniformly refer to as “The Audience-Pandering Glad-Handing, Baby-Kissing Face” who was just so obviously playing a nameless, uniform character, the player absolutely interchangeable and inconsequential. Santana, THE ROCKERS, The KILLER fucking BEES, Kerry Von Erich, Koko B. Ware, Hillbilly Jim and all those other happy-snappy late-‘80s/early ‘90s midcard face acts who played the same, generic face-in-peril role with their third-rate Hulk-up come back. Ugh. Sickening.

8. Lita
Fucking whore. Okay, aside from the whole Matt Hardy/Edge scandal, riddle me this, Batman, how many accomplished WWF/E performers actually depreciate in ring value the more experience they acquire? She made her name in The WWF by being the first woman to finish with a moonsault, even though it looked like a ten year-old on a diving board going a long way to hit a bellyflop. Then she hooks up with THE HARDY BOYZ and is a nice third, the extreme chick, worked in well with the young daredevils. Then she breaks her neck, which I’ll not attribute to recklessness, because just the same injury was unfortunately commonplace at the time (although, if she knew how to work safer, she might not have had to have spent that year out).

THEN she returns and it’s not long till the whole Hardygate story breaks. Now never mind that McMahonagement decided to turn it into a storyline, because that’s what they should have done in the first place, and we can even put on the shelf the fact that McMahonagement decided to make Lita a bigger star than Matt in the aftermath, thus sending the message that lifelong dreams and dedication to craft is a sure second to being a frolicking WHORE. Lita spent the remainder of her WWE career as injured as she was healthy and that was a clear result of her being careless to downright dangerous in the ring. And her opposition couldn’t be blamed, she was working with Trish Stratus, the best and safest female worker of the modern age. Remember when Lita took that unnecessary dive at Trish on PPV that even had the announcers practically taking off their headsets to run over and check on her?

And then there was the way she went out. She was heart-broken and crying that Trish got such a huge, warm send-off in her hometown when she retired and Lita was humiliated and called a slut by the fans as she walked through the curtain. Well guess what, tramp? You reached the levels you reached in the business because of those spring-loaded thighs of yours and because you at least had the good sense to cheat on your boyfriend of six years with someone who was destined to be a bigger star than your ex would become, but you rode his jock to the top and that made you a slut. It’s too late to cry about the choices you make that take you to the top and then decide you want to be a hero. You have be a Hogan for that kind of beneficial treatment.

7. Jim Duggan
This, like Santana, is a symbolic gesture for all those who sold themselves out and allowed Vince to make them a cartooned piece of shit for a payday. I’ve mentioned here before that Duggan, before coming to The WWF, was a fantastic heel in The UWF. There’s others. Terry “buh-KAWK” Taylor, we discussed THE BUSHWACKERS last week, Junkyard Dog, Harley Race, Dusty Rhodes, THE ROAD WARRIORS, Adrian Adonis…the list goes on and on (although the work Race and Rhodes did elsewhere is influential and legendary enough, such that they get a bye in this regard…but still…).

Duggan gets a special mention, though, because not only did he become an absolute cross-eyed, tongue-wagging, snot-globber in the beard-having idiot for Vince, he also sold out to nationalism, which, to me, is the absolute CHEAPEST form of heat known to man. When a performer is hung with a nationalist gimmick around his neck, it tells me this assclown has absolutely nothing else in the tank and must therefore rely on the fact that a true American can’t boo someone waving Old Glory (coughPatriotcough).

6. Lex Luger
Here’s another case in point in nationalism. Vince did the same to this idiot when the Narcissist gimmick “unexpectedly” failed. Like that wasn’t as one-dimensional as Luger’s move-set. Bottom line, this guy was a physique and absolutely NOTHING else, and we all know how he got that physique and the wages of obtaining and maintaining that physique.

Add to that the fact that this guy was SO stupid that he blabbered his way out of a HeavyWeight Title victory over Yokozuna at WrestleMania 10 in Madison Square Garden. He was scheduled to take the title to complete the whole Lex Express promotion and be shot to the moon by the WWF Promotion Machine and was so smug about it, he went out the NIGHT BEFORE WrestleMania, got hammered and started to brag to other bar patrons about how he, by the next night, would be world champion. Word got back to Vince who was, you might expect, a might perturbed, and decided to gibe the belt to Bret Hart instead. The Lex Express character was Vince living through Luger’s gimmick, which was how close he felt to the whole thing; Luger could have made Shawn Michaels’ politicking look like a kid at a lemonade stand, he had the wrestling world handed to him and he blew it because he’s an abject moron.

COMMENTPALOOZA!
I can understand hating The Bushwackers, but you got to check out some old Sheephearder matches. Try to find the cage match between them and The Fantastics. Before Vince, they were a monster tag team.
Posted By: Shawn S. Lealos (Registered)

Hey man I was about to say that. Luke and Butch as the Sheepherders were pretty bad ass. 

Posted By: Jan (Guest)

How funny that THE BUSHWHACKERS should garner such a large and specific response! I ALMOST included a bit about the stellar reputation they had coming into The WWF as a bad ass pair of hardcore brawlers, but, having never seen it myself, I decided against it in the eleventh hour. Now, though, my interest has definitely been piqued and I just might have to nose about and see what all the hoo-hah is about…although it might just depress me to see still another old school legend sanitized and dumbed-down by Vince.

But, yes, Kanyon, LOS WHACKERS certainly and absolutely stank like a freshly peed-upon turd. I got too close to them as they did their little retard march around ringside once at a Bakersfield house show and it was an odor one usually must take public transportation after last call to experience.

Specifically to my buddy Schmoove, I suppose you have a point with respect to the whole catering to kids thing, but I didn’t start watching until I was in seventh grade, so my whole perspective of wrestling was coming from a whole different place by then, and didn’t have the younger childhood memories upon which to fall when such a kid’s act like LOS WHACKERS were introduced, no “I would’ve loved them when I was a kid” mode of thought, because, even then as now, I look at something of that sort and think, “Wow, there’s a whole wasted segment of TV time that could’ve been used to build someone who’s going somewhere.” So, I guess I’ve always been a big stick in the mud.

Although you are disallowed from EVER providing the porn for 411 stag parties. Well, Cook might dig it…

Great frickin column man, I support your thoughts on TNA whole heartedly.

Writing your column using a lot of obscure words doesn’t bother me at all, because as Owen said, it is not coming off as an attempt to make yourself seem more intelligent than you are. Whatit does, is add a lot of color to the column, and I have absolutely no problem admitting if I do not know what a word means, and no problem looking up it’s definition. Keep up the good work, and Don’t worry about the haters.. They won’t stick around long. Excercise the brain and it will last you a lot longer kids…
Keep it up Geoff. 

Posted By: Toddo (Guest)

Thanks, Toddo! There is a certain convenience implicit in allowing for a mock title run to gauge fan response to a new one, although, and I don’t mean to sound snatchetty here, but I don’t think TNA Creative have thought that far ahead or deeply. Too, the manner in which a TV Title is booked is unique unto itself and would most definitely be booked different than the Legends Title, in fact, because the LT is really just a prop in the MEM scheme, there really is no prestige or honor where it’s concerned at all and is ALL booking, at least it SHOULD be, and we’re off to a good start in that regard *fingers crossed*.

Although I’m a sucker for a TVT, and believe such a belt could contribute a LOT to the franchise overall, especially considering the vast amount of tainted matches as a result of some terribly inopportune commercial breaks suffered on iMPACT!, to say nothing of re-introducing the modern wrestling world to one of the most convenient, yet, for some reason, banished gimmick in the business, the time limit, I have to agree with other writers here on 411, in that, TNA really needs to get the X-Division back on track and learn to write compelling stories for ALL its title divisions SIMULTANEOUSLY before adding still another title to the fray.

I appreciate the support with respect to my writing style and vocabulary. It amazes me that there would actually be people suggesting that a writer not only not attempt to grow and improve but to sell himself short. No one suggests to Robert DeNiro that it might be in his best interests to act more like Keanu Reeves, right? Quite frankly, my personal vocabulary grew quite a bit as a RESULT of watching wrestling, both from Vince McMahon and Gene Oakerlund. Words such as “proclivity”, “propensity”, “pandemonium” and several other words, that didn’t necessarily start with “p” were all introduced to me via wrestling, and, in this day and age of “Vintage Undertaker” on a continuous loop, I suppose I can do my part to uphold the intellectual side of professional wrestling. You can go ahead and laugh at that last sentence if you like.

This was a good topic this week. We all have wrestlers/angles/matches we all don’t care for or think are overrated. Sometimes we come around, sometimes we don’t. Here are things I didn’t particularly care for:

Big Poppa Pump: I do agree that the Steiners were stale by 97. But splitting them up and turning Scott into a roided up freak wears chainmail SUCKED! I’ve never bought him as a singles wrestler. Still don’t. Sometimes all is needed to freshen something up is a simple turn. I would’ve turned both Steiner heel, join the NWO, and have them feud with a face Harlem Heat. That would’ve been interesting.
Posted By: JLAJRC (Guest)

You know, as much as I abjectly HATED Bret Hart at this time, I completely bought THE HART FOUNDATION as a faction. True, Neidhart had seen better days (a real shame, because, having gone back and paid more attention to his contributions to the tag team back in the day, he really was a psychology machine and was an excellent partner for a fledgling Bret), as had Pillman, as a result of the car accident that nearly ended his life; Pillman, too, although I completely accepted his place in THF, came off much more like exactly that which against THF battled, ie, the loud, brash American. I suppose, being a heel stable, though, that simply lent credence to the hypocrisy Bret was spewing at the time. It seemed to me, as well, at this time, the fans were more interested in cheering Daveyboy Smith, coming off the Owen/Smith split that was teased for MONTHS prior to the formation of THF (although, because of his embarrassingly limited micwork, there was really only so far Smith was ever going to go as a face).

Bret was brilliant during this time, as one could wonder forever exactly HOW much of his rhetoric was a work and how much was truly “Hart”-felt. But the fans were absolutely RABID on both sides of the fence for this gimmick and just watching at home, I felt a thrill shiver up my back at the voracity of the fans, whether in Canada one week in absolute support of Bret or in Texas the next where one got the impression a riot may break out. It’s little wonder Bret regards this period as his favorite time in the business.

Your comment with respect to Angle is highly subjective, obviously, and I hope that’s not interpreted as a dig, because that’s not how it was intended. It’s been his gimmick from day one, although, these days, one gets the notion that he’s living his gimmick in this regard (although I truly respect him for putting over the fans the way he did after he jobbed clean to Joe at tonight’s house show…that was classy). He’s most definitely in my Top Ten, but the fact that he brings the pedigree of an Olympic gold medal to the ring with him automatically sets him above the rest and thus gives his argument credence, as well as a great jumping-off point as the cocky heel he plays SO well.

Yeah, I’m with you on Steiner. THE STEINERS remain one of my favorite tag teams of all time, which makes me hate what happened to Scott all the more, although, unless I’m mistaken, the reason why he changed his gimmick so drastically was because as he aged, he was no longer able to pull off the fantastic mat wrestling upon which he and his brother made their names, as well as a real-life falling out between them, thus necessitating the splitting of the team. Scott decided to go in a different direction. Granted, it’s obnoxious and one of the most irritating in the history (Big Poppa Pump? Big Bad Booty Daddy? Are you fucking KIDDING? Talk about booking to ten year-olds…), but one can’t argue with success, and he was just that in WCW. I must admit, the chain-mail/sunglasses/bleached-blond Caesar cut look is impressive, but the second he opens his mouth, he tends to lose me.

However, in his favor, he’s done everything RIGHT since coming to TNA…no diva attitude, performs to the best of his ability in the ring, jobs when required of him…I have nothing negative to say about him since that embarrassing WWE run. Let’s hope that stands!

The Sheepherders-Fantastic barbed wire matches back in the UWF were a joy to watch!

My only concern is that they need to put some more TNA guys to team up with Joe and AJ. Wherever Christian Cage goes will be a big factor in whether or not he will stay.
Posted By: Orlando (Guest)

You’re getting ahead of me with respect to the Hogan politics, but it’s encouraging to know we’re on the same page…stay tuned!

No, LA FAMILIA does not count and it discourages me that McMahonagement created the stable simply as a means to make Edge a coward when the others involved could have greatly benefited from the rub had it been so designed. Yes, MEM is looking good and I remain hopeful…I just hope they don’t bloat to nWo proportions and that the Christian Cage factor doesn’t muddy the waters (insomuch as he’s forced to join, acts as if he’s into it, but is really a mole for the good guys…we’re heading dangerously into Russoville if things become that complicated and that could short-circuit a really good thing).

i have the same problem with the big words man. i haven’t even been to college either. i say something with more than three syllables, people look at me like i’m gomer frickin pyle. that’s what kills about living in arkansas. i have an iq of 108 and people here treat me like i’m stephen hawking.
Posted By: the dude (Guest)

I hear ya, dude. I mean, I’m a college drop-out…if supposedly educated people are having trouble following a drop-out, that concerns me…and blows my earlier claim that this generation coming up now is smarter than any preceding it straight to hell…LOL.

I always wonder if Lawler’s hate of ECW is legitimate. I’m from Memphis, and I remember a lot of the matches had a brawl around the arena ECW feel to them even in the seventies. Sometimes I think he secretly had a soft spot for the bingo hall.

-Lawler was unathletic but could definitely work a crowd either way. I’m also pretty sure is strap-down routine was the inspiration for “hulking up” I tend to think of him as talented for his time and place despite being the booker of his company.
Posted By: Tom (Guest)

I’ve been hesitant to really harp on this too much, as well, Tom, because I DO think Lawler’s that good of a showman to sell that precisely, but I’ve seen some sit-down interviews with The King which were supposed to have been out of character where he maintains his utter disgust for Heyman’s product, which, if legit, makes me hate him all the more, because of the complete hypocrisy implicit in his beliefs for just the reasons you state. It would not, though, surprise me to find that Hogan ripped off the shoulder strap and modified it for his own purposes; I’ll talk a lot of head about Lawler, but I’ll also give him his due in that he’s a fantastic heel and a great psychologist.

The following is a call-and-response between thegun and me:

A podcast with us? It would be like seeing if O’Reilly and Obermann could do a split screen interview with Chris Matthews, no one would hear anything coherent.

Sort of like when LaFave and I talk politics…we’ve learned just not to do that anymore…

I like the idea of the legends title but I immediately didn’t understand the first angle. Let me get this straight, if Booker wins Christian has to be part of the mafia? That is just STUPID! You are either worth legend status or you are not. It isn’t up to Booker or any of the other mafia members to beat you into joining them, it is up to them to beat you for them to distance themselves from you.

STUPID STUPID STUPID

Your logic is pretty solid, gun, although the ultimate of pessimism as were trying to see a ray of hope on the TNA scene. However, your caution is well-warranted, because I think all of us crossing our fingers expect Russo to fuck up this fantastic start eventually…why not plant those seeds the very first week?

Speaking in terms of abject optimism, though, I’m assuming Booker believes without a shadow of a doubt that he CAN beat Cage and bring him into the fold, as he, and, thus, the entire MEM, would rather have as much talent in their stable as possible, as opposed to willing to organize themselves and take them down. There’s also the theory of keeping one’s friends close and one’s enemies closer, although I believe it’s this latter mode of thought that could stand to undermine the entire angle from reaching greatness.

Another irk, you don’t offer the belt to people who are not LEGENDS or potential LEGENDS. Christian has more potential as a tag team legend than a single’s legend (at this point). He is falling to Rhino TNA status which each passing day. If Christian does the job, you or me, isn’t surprised.

Great idea, poor execution out of the gate.

Hmm. Before I go on in this regard, I will absolutely admit that this is my complete markdom for Cage coming to the fore, but it’s my belief that TNA’s respect for Cage ranks just this highly, or, if nothing else, TNA Creative is playing off of the recent internet rumors over whether or not Cage will return to WWE or remain in Orlando, thus, the tacit story being told will view Cage, should he remain, will side staunchly with the TNA youth originals. It’s also my belief that this decision will go a long way in deciding exactly how Christian will be booked in 2009.

Regarding your list:

Dusty – I have previously mentioned that I have done a 120 but not a 180 on Dusty. Time hasn’t been kind to Big Dust, mainly that he put himself in positions to hold down younger talent in favor of his own ego. The fact that he was a figure (a big one) in the title scenes in the NWA during the mid-late 80s is a shame, given they had easily the greatest talent roster in history at the time (taking all the territories and multirelationship in account). I don’t know who is more selfish of these 3 “Joe the Plumbers”, Jerry Lawler, Dusty Rhodes or Jimmy Valiant.
Posted By: thegunisgood (Registered)

I really envy the fact that you got to see Savage cutting his teeth before the big time (or, perhaps more appropriately, the big top). It’s always a bummer when a talent has chops Vince disallows them from displaying on his stage, be it the cruiserweights with the handcuffs or a gag order on potential riot-starters like Savage and THE DUDLEY BOYS. Nice of him to have picked up your tab, even if it was unwittingly…what was wrong with Granpappy’s shirt in Savage’s eyes? Not enough sequins?

I have to chuckle at the sad irony that, those talents with whom you grew up (Flair, Duthty, etc.) have taken me so long to warm to just as you’re throwing your hands in the air saying, ENOUGH! Someday, gun…SOMEDAY we’ll find ourselves on the same page at the same time!

I just thought of a couple of other wrestlers I liked until something killed their momentum.

I also think that Vader and Bam Bam Bigelow would be more fondly remembered today if their WWE careers were more sucessful. Bam Bam should have never lost to Lawrence Taylor and Vader should have at least held the WWF title at least once.
Posted By: JLAJRC (Guest)

We have completely differing opinions of Crush. DEMOLITION remain one of my VERY favorite tag teams of all time, and Crush had something to do with that, when he was brought in as a third. The original intention was to run them similarly to a FREEBIRDS trio team, in that, their opponents never knew which two of the three they were to face, thus making preparation for them all the more difficult, the sad reality of the situation being that Bill “Ax” Eadie (my favorite member of the team) was coming to a painful conclusion to his career and so Bryan “Crush” Adams was required to carry on the DEMOLITION franchise, so Ax would simply stalk the outside as opposed to really performing in the ring.

The Pineapple Head Crush, as Bobby Heenan referred to the gimmick, never really grabbed me, even when I wanted to like him. I think it was the neon tights. Plus, he teetered dangerously on the edge of being the pandering-to-the-fans, hand-shaking, baby-kissing face I absolutely detest.

Convict Crush who later joined THE NATION OF DOMINATION, then later founded DISCIPLES OF APOCALYPSE caught my eye much more and he was originally brought in to look and behave in a much meaner fashion than he was before, but ended up fizzling out, lost in the mucky gang warfare gimmick against NOD and Savio Vega’s LOS BORICUAS. Don’t even talk to me about KRONIK…

Yes, it seemed as if McMahonagement had a plan for Goldust with respect to the whole Pillman-in-a-dress angle and, had it not been for Pillman’s untimely passing, both men could have found themselves in a much more favorable position on the card than they’d been previously. It seemed an attempt was made to salvage the story, using Dustin & Terri’s real-life split as a catalyst onscreen, but the whole Goldust gimmick jumped the shark and became a freak show (although I think they were really onto something with “Marilyndust” with Dustin and Luna in goth gear, and I must say Goldust dressed as a Christmas tree reading “The Grinch Who Stole Christmas” in a stereotypical gay voice was hilarious).

Tatanka and Luger…? I’d just as soon use a tomahawk to break The Narcissist’s mirror and slice open my eyes with the shards. Shane McMahon found more pure wrestling talent at the bottom of the shower drain this morning than these two ever displayed combined.

Vader just got lost because fans were more into seeing Bret Hart versus Shawn Michaels/Steve Austin and The Undertaker take the belt from Sid. They tried to find a role for Vader, but he simply wasn’t the monster in The WWF that he was in WCW.

Bam Bam losing to Lawrence Taylor is one of the darkest days in pro wrestling history. When a fucking FOOTBALL PLAYER comes into a PROFESSIONAL wrestler’s backyard and beats him at his own game…what does that say about the wrestler? And it pisses me off that such a gifted performer as Bigelow could only make a WWF main event facing a football player. Positively maddening

If you actually think that Elizabeth contributed nothing to Randy’s success or nothing period, then you obviously were not paying attention.

Anyways, it’s great to read your columns because I begin to reminisce on my past experiences, and it refreshes my love of wrestling currently.
Posted By: Carnivore (Guest)

Liz was a prop, pure and simple. As I said last week, Savage could have abused any such fragile, docile female ringside personality and it would have been effective, and it was, but Elizabeth was just so PATHETIC and lethargic it drove me mad. Of course she shouldn’t have been a Sherri Martel because that wouldn’t have suited her purpose, but a LITTLE enthusiasm maybe…? And I’m glad she pleased your libido, because, although nowhere near as dog ugly as Precious or Baby Doll, if that’s your idea of heaven, then maybe hell won’t be so bad once I get there.

Wondrous. Dayum…I am humbled…thank you! Glad I can contribute a little something toward why you fell in love with this frustratingly glorious business! “Mid-nineties ‘goofy kid with braces’ phase”…LOVES IT! Yeah, poor Yoko. I mean, the level of flexibility, dexterity, agility and speed he was able to display was truly amazing for his daunting girth, but that just makes one stop to consider of what he might have been capable at a healthy, more athletic weight. He could have truly paved the way for the Umagas and Manus of today…if nothing else, he’d likely still be alive.

Excellent column this week, Geoff. I read it three times. Far above anything else posted on this website, be proud.

Keep churning them out and I’ll keep reading. 🙂
Posted By: Crucial (Guest)

I’ll admit, I add this for my own self-edification and to thank you, my old pal. Keep reading and I hope you continue to enjoy!

That’ll do it for this week! Next week we’ll finish off the “most hated” list (and bring a tarp…the aggression will be palpable and flying like watermelon at a Gallagher show) and get back on track with respect to TNA’s “new beginning”!