Not An Evolution Schematic 11.15.08: How Do You Solve A Problem Like Marella?

Victoria have mercy on us all.

Before we start-

Memo to Lena Yada- While I must agree with Meehan as to the reasoning and logic behind your firing (A company that thinks we can’t distinguish between guys with the same name, same hair style or same general look is also going to think we can’t tell between people with the same racial background. Although the number of blonde bimbo look-alikes is a counterpoint to that, but the counter-counterpoint to THAT is that Playboy has shown that vast numbers of blonde bimbos appears to sell to a sizable number of men in the world), I still think you should prove to WWE that you’re different from Gail Kim. When you do your naked photo shoot, go all the way, not just topless, that’ll show me everything.

Uh, that is, that’ll show them. Yeah.

Moving on. Since everyone and his dog is talking about Christian, I’ll leave him to one side for now, and get to him next week, which will give me time to make sure TNA isn’t just pulling the Abyss is Gone worked shoot angle again. Instead, I’m going to look at what appears on the surface to be a dumb move by the WWE but is, in fact, a chance for one man to step up.

On Raw this week, Santino Marella gave us an example of one step forward, 3 steps back for a guy. He took away the Honk-A-Meter, and replaced it with the Honk-A-Perfect-Mountie Meter, although really if he was going to do that why didn’t he add together his reigns?

Regardless, after introducing this Honk-A-Perfect-Mountie Meter (which sounds like some Canadian woman’s wet dream, doesn’t it? ‘What do you want to do?’ ‘I want to Honk A Perfect Mountie!’.

Although you’d be hard-pressed to find one that measured in at a meter.)

After that introduction, William Regal came out and crushed Santino to win the title, then gave a somewhat face promo. Many people are up in arms about this, saying that it’s stupid booking, that it shouldn’t have gone down like that. Well before I talk about what Santino should do next, I first want to defend the title switch.

Defending the switch

First off, I’m not going to argue that the segment worked in terms of what the goal was. The crowd clearly didn’t get the memo that they were supposed to ignore the fact that Willie was/is heel and cheer him because he was a hometown boy. And to be fair to them, I don’t think WWE really sent that memo at all. A pre-show ‘Cheer Me’ promo to the crowd or something from Regal would have helped immensely.

Still, there are some people crying foul over the booking for a variety of reasons. Let’s go down the list.

1. It made Santino look weak as all hell: Yes, it made Santino look weak. But given the guy has lost to someone not on the roster in about the same amount of time on a bigger show with less moves (RVD, 15th Anniversary show, a kick and a frog splash with like a 15 second delay, for the record), and remained as over as he was prior, losing to an established, credible guy like Regal is easily recoverable from. And it makes Regal look a lot better.

2. No more Honk-A-Meter: Well, it went out with a bang, and given that it lasted a lot longer than most WWE storylines nowadays you should be thankful for what you get. Besides, there might be a replacement coming up…

3. It should have involved HTM: Maybe, but after they used him leading up to and at Cyber Sunday, and gave us such classic moments as Santino busting himself open with a guitar and HTM nearly tearing his ankle on Goldust’s hair, maybe it was for the best that they didn’t extend anything with him.

4. Santino was making people care about the IC title, and now all that’s ruined!: Uh, why? If anything this should help keep the heat the IC title has gotten right now. If there’s anyone on the Raw/ECW roster that can make you care about a non-world title, it’s Regal.

5. It should have been the Ultimate Haas!: This one is probably the biggest one I’ve read. It should have been Charlie Haas running out as the Ultimate Warrior and winning in 30 seconds. There’s a couple problems with that idea. That would rely on a level of knowledge about history that the WWE clearly doesn’t trust us with. They think we can’t tell two Asian women apart for goodness sake, you think they think we remember that? Secondly, that outcome relies on people cheering for Warrior/the concept of Warrior. Warrior is still persona non grata in the WWE Universe, and Vince would NEVER allow anything related to him that directly be seen in a positive light. Thirdly, it’s Charlie Haas, Impersonator we’re talking about here. WWE might have wanted to push him slightly, but that reaction or lack thereof for Bret Haas probably scuttled that option. The gimmick’s got a limited shelf life, and this leads into another major point I’ll address in a moment. The 30 second squash nature of the match was a tip of the hat to the HTM/Warrior, and that’s enough.

6. The IC title’s going to fade back into obscurity now!: No it’s not. Fact of the matter is, Regal is, right now, a better choice for IC champ than Santino. It’s about Gimmick V Straight Man.

See, in Wrestling you have Gimmicks, wrestlers with outlandish personas and such. Santino, Haas, Cryme Tyme, Umaga, Boogeyman etc, these are gimmicks. But in order for Gimmicks to work, you need Straight Men. Not comedic Straight Men, although the roles are similar. You need guys who have simple names, simple concepts and look like wrestlers. These allow your outlandish characters to be outlandish, to give them a base to be wacky off. Even Gimmicky feds like CHIKARA and HUSTLE have their Straight Guys to give all the Gimmicks something to play off of. And Regal is perhaps the perfect Straight Man in wrestling today, with his facial expressions. Gimmick V Gimmick can work in small doses, and if the Gimmicks are similar enough you can do long programs with them (Undertaker’s story in SDVR09 is a perfect example of this), but extended programs between wacky guys doesn’t really work.

And when you look at the IC title scene, the Raw and ECW roster below a certain level that isn’t directly tied up in other storylines/a tag team/injuries and thus could work a long IC program…

Raw:
D-Lo Brown
Paul Burchill
Deuce
Charlie Haas
Goldust
Mike Knox
Santino Marella
Rey Mysterio
Jamie Noble
Snitsky

ECW:
The Boogeyman
Armando Estrada
Finlay
Ricky Ortiz
Gavin Spears

15 sounds like a lot, but remove those off TV (Deuce, Goldust, Boogey, Armando) you have 11, with 6 faces (D-Lo, Haas, Rey, Jamie, Finlay and Ricky) who are all somewhat interesting as opposed to the heels who, let’s be honest, are as interesting as dried spit, apart from Santino, obviously. The fact is, that if you’re going to take the belt off of Santino, you had to put it on a heel quick smart, preferably Regal. The fact that they were in England just helped cut out the middle man. Regal is a good a talker as Santino and a much better wrestler, and now we have some very good match ups to be had for the IV belt (Regal/Jamie, Regal/Finlay, Regal/Rey, even Regal/D-Lo) as well as wacky hijinks (Regal/Haas, Regal/Boogey) to come. D-Lo was brought in to be the Straight Man to Santino, but then he went and got injured, although he’s back now in a bad case of timing.

And if Regal is on a last run before retiring to become head trainer in FCW or something, this is a good way to go about it. Although I’m worried that Vince might make this into some sort of bizarre dig at Flair’s retirement run or something.

But that’s the rub, right? Why take the belt off of Santino? Santino was doing great, and he was helping the IC belt. He’s almost certainly not fired, maybe suspended but that’s unlikely. And even WWE has to realise that Santino needs something to do. To be entertaining, he has to have a MacGuffin, Maria, the IC title, Ron Simmons, Rodney The Piper, something.

So, let’s assume that you didn’t want to waste Santino, that you wanted to move him on from the IC title, now that he’s helped it out a little. What’s next? How do you move Santino up the card? There are a bunch of options.

A killer move: Right now, Santino doesn’t have a finisher, something even Honky had. In SDVR09, he uses the Roll The Dice, the single most generic finisher on earth not involving Chokes and Slams. He needs a finisher. And, if you gave him one on par with the Burning Hammer or the Veterbreaker, that could be a way to move him up the card, if he started hurting people with it. That said, ‘Santino and ‘injury rampage’ hardly work well together. Santino’s finisher should be something simple but bitchy, like an Inverted Stunner into a roll up with tights or some such, not a deadly hold or move.

Make him a manager: This idea has been around since he first turned heel. Santino is, after all, a great talker but merely an ok wrestler. So, why not turn him into one who can talk all day long and not wrestle? This does hold some promise, but the problem from my end is that Santino has yet to show any ability to transfer heat, only generate it. Santino is over as a heel, and yes, he’s gotten the IC belt a little more respect than it had. But is Beth Phoenix more over as a heel now than before she hooked up with Santino? Compare that to, say, Larry Sweeney, who when he talks pissed you off at both himself AND his clients. True, Santino hasn’t ever really tried to get someone else over, but maybe we should hold back on that until he’s much more established and/or injured or something.

Give him a bodyguard/stable: Considering Kendrick’s already doing the “Egotistical Braggart with Giant Bodyguard” thing and WWE is trimming the roster, neither seems likely. Besides, who is there, Knox? Snitsky? Burchill?

Move him up into the world title: So we’re left with the simplest option as to how to push Santino, which is to, you know, push him. Give him wins. But the thing is, the World Title picture is crowded enough as it is, and Santino, while entertaining, is hardly on the same level as Jericho and Orton.

But there is another option.

The ECW Championship.

Through sheer dumb luck, the WWE has managed to create a belt which is pretty much an elevation machine. In the past you had the IC champion being respected, and King Of The Ring and such, internally. Prior to that, Santino would have made himself a nice little career going from territory to territory, coming in, getting over, winning a title, losing one, leaving, rinse lather repeat. But now, there’s the ECW Title. A belt that is low enough on the totem pole that practically anyone can get a shot at it (ok, Maria might be a bit of a stretch but you see my point), but respected enough that main eventers can conceivable fight for it. In some cases you’d need a very specific storyline (Taker is banned from winning the World title, HHH is going for the first ever post brand trifecta and so on), but it’s believable. Ergo, anyone can get a shot, and if you can get a shot you can work a program, and if you can work a program you can win the belt, and if you can win the belt you can hold the belt, and if you hold the belt then by the time you lose it, you’re elevated. Right now, if Mark Henry received a WWE Title shot, you wouldn’t bat an eyelid. He’s a former World Champ after all. Compare that to prior, when he was just that big fat dude.

The ECW Title is the best way to transfer a guy from the midcard to the main event right now, and Matt Hardy is a great guy for Santino to play off. Just make lots of jokes about rednecks, his brother, Lita and not dying, and the Santino/Matilda Herdy wars would be long, funny, and end with Santino in a position to maybe be seen as a viable threat to a world title.

Which is messed up when you think about it, but hey, the guy’s over, so why not?

And if you really, really, REALLY miss the Honk-A-Meter, if Santino was ECW Champ, surely he could talk about how there was that one guy in ECW who held a ‘World’ title in ECW for 100 or so weeks, and how he, Santino Marella, would surpass that, all wrapped up in the RDVDR-Meter…