Wacky Wrestling Theory 12.25.08: Wacky Awards 2008 – Part 1

Webster’s defines ‘wacky’ as something that is unusual, weird, fucked up and strange, but I define wacky by giving out the 2008 Pro-Wrestling Wacky Awards! I’d like to look back at the wackiest moments of the year and honor some of those professional wrestlers who keep doing what they do because they can’t do it any other way! So, I now declare that it is time for the Wacky Awards to begin! Let’s get this started the same way as the Academy Awards…

Notable Nominees:
Kelly Kelly – aside from her ass, I’m not sure what skills Kelly Kelly exactly brings to the wrestling world… and I don’t care!

Velvet Sky – another chick with little to offer other than her ass, but this ass gets such a porntastic camera close up I’m just waiting for the inevitable Wacky Award winning lip slip.

Hornswaggle – not for his actual ass, but he is ass high, so that should count for something.

Edge – he’s just an asshole.

Winner = Hulk Hogan rubbing suntan lotion on his daughter Brooke’s ass
– who needs the critically acclaimed movie ‘The Wrestler’ to get pro-wrestling into the mainstream, when we’ve still got Hogan making headlines like this! For all those wankers who think pro-wrestling is about redemption and dramatic artistry, Hogan dedicates this award to you!

Worst Exposure of the ‘Business’ Moment

Notable Nominees:
TNA Slammiversary King of the Mountain match – try showing this match to someone who isn’t a pro-wrestling fan and see if they think any of the weak and phony looking offense on display here is anything other than stupid men doing a bad job of pretending to fight.

Batista / Michaels Feud – calling attention to taking dives and faking injuries cannot be a good thing in s sport that supposed to secretly about guys faking injuries and taking dives.

Winner = John Cena at the Royal Rumble
– The Royal Rumble used to feel a little like a genuine athletic competition, but sadly it has become predictable and clearly scripted. Not only is it usually easy to call the winner, but the guy in second place ends up getting a title shot at Wrestlemania as well. Granted, John Cena appearing at the Royal Rumble was a shock, but what are the chances that he would draw #30, just so coincidently the audience can be surprised at the last moment? As usual, the final two, Triple H and Cena both end up in the title match at Wrestlemania anyway, so winning the Rumble was pointless. A sixty minute match that meant nothing in the long run, was used only for cheap shock value in the final few minutes, proved that the WWE writers have no respect the patient craft that attracted us to wrestling in the first place, and made all of wrestling seem absolutely predictable, scripted and fake in hindsight.

‘Rowdy’ Roddy Piper Award for a Wrestler’s Most Unnecessary Jumping of Ship

Notable Nominees:
Shingo Takagi – this guy hopped around from one stable to the next all year long, first turning on his long-time partner BxB Hulk, then forming the new Real Hazard faction, only to make up with Hulk and get kicked out of Real Hazard, then joined Typhoon and then get kicked out of there too. Can’t this guy just focus on being champion?

Scotty Goldman – obviously Colt Cabana didn’t leave Ring of Honor this year, but even leaving developmental territories like OVW and FCW for his few pathetic appearances on Smackdown had to feel like a terrible demotion for one of the most gifted young wrestlers out there.

… but the Winner of this award is easily one man: Mick Foley
– is anybody buying that the former Mankind is having some of the best time he’s ever had in pro-wrestling in years? He’s been in some of the greatest moments in wrestling history, including an awesome interview with Edge on his way out the door, yet he left the WWE so he could retread his old General Manager role with worse script writers. And now he’s gonna get back in the ring? In a TNA tag team match?! Mick may be having a good time, but he’s torturing the rest of us!

… speaking of the ever so lackluster TNA…

Most Watchable TNA Pay-Per-View of the Year

Notable Nominees:
Bound for Glory IV – while still not really seeming any different or special from the other TNA PPVs, with the top two or three matches being at least average, and since most TNA shows are lucky to have one match that good, this skyrocketed Bound for Glory up to almost the level of the first hour of any ROH PPV.

Lockdown – the all steel cage format is wacky enough to always make this a watchable PPV, at least for one match, and this year was no exception as the main event of Joe vs. Angle was a special moment in pro-wrestling.

Winner = Destination X
– Gimmick matches glamour, but acceptable, and even the Elevation X match had something going for it this time. The Fish Market Street fight was the highlight of the show, but I also liked how Samoa Joe’s intensity made you forget about the convoluted rules in the 6-man tag main event.

Best Use of the Greco-Roman Knuckle Lock

Notable Nominee:
Bryan Danielson vs. Claudio Castagnoli – the opening sequence of ROH Northern Naviation’s fantastic match between these two had a crowd pleasing and wacky use of this old favorite.

Winner = Kensuke Sasaki vs. Akitoshi Saito
– these two power wrestlers made this test of strength look like the real thing in the final GHC Title match of the year.

…speaking of Saito…

Youngest Looking Old Guy Award

Winner = Akitoshi Saito
– maybe it’s the mullet, but I hadn’t really thought of Saito as a guy who could be outside of his 20s until seeing some of his big matches from this year.

–okay, this picture doesn’t really help my case

Oldest Looking Young Guy Award

Notable Nominee:
Festus – squint and he’s a 40-year-old gym teacher.

Winner = Claudio Castagnoli
– he went from looking like a rocking member of Dethklok only a couple of years ago to now pretty much looking like a middle aged Arn Anderson from the neck up.

2008 Award for the Most Overlooked Stunt from 2007

Winner = Batista jumping from one side of the Punjabi Prison to the other
– uhm, hello! Didn’t anybody see this?

Kane Award for Best Full Body Spandex

Notable Nominees:
Super Eric – not exactly full body, but close, and extra points for having a cape.

Black Reign – he was kind of like the Bizarro Goldust, but still, I prefer the real Goldust who has thankfully returned.

Winner = Suicide
– Kazarian goes from a guy in traditional briefs and boots to a full body spandex outfit, neck and head included. Talk about having no confidence in a guy as a gimmick. Did he have to cut his hair to fit into that hood/mask as well? For that alone he deserves this coveted award.

…speaking of Suicide…

The ‘Wait, He Murdered His Family’ Award for the Most Insensitive Use of a Chris Benoit Special Move

Winner = Tie
– HHH and HBK for using the (don’t call it the Crippler) Crossface as good guys, regardless of the awkward buzz it hangs over the crowd. Are there really no other submission holds to choose from?

The Best Worse Use of International Superstars by an American Company

Notable Nominees:
ROH – Kensuke Sasaski vs. Claudio Castagnoli was probably a good match up on paper but not in practice… and the whole Tokyo weekend could have used some higher profile Japan/ROH crossover matches as well.

WWE – Although they passed on hiring the exceptional NOAH stars Morishima and Shiosaki, at least they didn’t tease us by televising their try-out matches.

Winner = TNA
– Talk about having no clue, in 2008 the Impact Zone housed some of the top international main event wrestlers in Hiroshi Tanahasi, Shinsuke Nakamura, Ultimo Guerrero, Rey Bucannero, along with Volvador and Averno, and relegated all of them to meaningless, quick, spotty matches, while still leaving plenty of time for the revolving Karen Angle saga and the Kevin Nash/Samoa Joe mentoring drama. C’mon everybody, let’s all do it together one time…
clap clap clapclapclap “This – Is – Wrest – ling!”

Kevin Kelly Memorial Award for Sticking Around Eventually Does Pay Off

Notable Nominees:
Eric Young – finally in one PPV main event after being the focal point of Samoa Joe’s ‘shoot’ speech about work rate in TNA. Eric was back to the mid-card moments after the bell rang to end this match, but it had to feel good for one night.

Kung Fu-Naki – a new look, a new song, dance parties in his honor, a clean win over MVP; Funaki hit his cyclical payback for hanging around this year. The WWE knows that Kung Fu is Chinese and Funaki is Japanese though, right?

Winner = Todd Grisham
– count me as one of the guys who thought Grisham was never going to Michael Cole his way into a permanent position, but he stuck around doing those backstage interviews and finally found his grove thanks to Matt Striker’s brilliant turn as the intelligent ‘heel’ foil ala Jesse Ventura to Grisham’s competent Vince McMahon-ish straight man.

The James Woods ‘Hard Way’ Award for Best Blood (non-blading)

Notable Nominees:
Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk – I thought that GTS broke Rey’s nose, didn’t you?

Floyd Mayweather cold cocks the Big Show – Whoa, I thought that punch broke Big Show’s nose too.

Winner = Villano V in his mask match vs. Blue Panther
– Villano hit the back of his head on a ringside chair after absorbing a big dive from Panther, which lead to him bleeding a big circle into the back of his yellow mask. Considering this was a mask vs. mask match, it really focused the attention on getting that mask off of him, at least for the purposes of hygiene.

Best Outside of Wrestling Happening (non-kayfabe)

Notable Nominees:
Ric Flair quitting the WWE so he could charge indy fans $100+ for an autograph – thanks Ric for giving back to your fans, all those free autograph sessions that the WWE put on were too easy to get to and had way to many happy fans.

Jeff Hardy attack getting mainstream news coverage – great work by the WWE, but a sad revelation about the state of the media in America.

John Cena coming to the Smackdown tapings the day of his neck surgery – some neck surgeries put guys out for over a year, Cena is back to work the same day he was cut open!

Winner = Kurt Angle on Howard Stern
– Angle told Eric the Midget that he could fuck him since Eric couldn’t get a date with American Idol nobody Diana DeGarmo. Candid stuff.

Best Outside of Wrestling Happening (kayfabe)

Notable Nominees:
Jimmy Jacobs ‘stabbing’ Lacey outside of her gym – Jacobs taking things to the next level!

Jeff Hardy getting attacked in his hotel – those Survivor Series 3-ways are jinxed.

Vince McMahon on the RAW ramp when it collapses – I’m still waiting to find out who was responsible for this… it’s supposed to me a mystery, right?

Winner = Edge and Vickie Guerrero have a whirlwind romance
– dates in the park, spa treatments and tons of gratuitous tongue kissing made these two the It Couple of 2008.

Best Training Sequence

Notable Nominees:
Grizzly Redwood Chopping firewood

Kurt Angle and Samoa Joe training MMA with Frank Trigg and Marcus Davis

Jimmy Kimmel’s Cousin Sal training with Roddy Piper for a match with Santino

The Briscoes shoot stuff in a forest

Winner = Claudio Castagnoli doing the ‘giant swing’ on a log in a park
– Claudio takes home his second award of the evening for this Rocky Balboa style of preparation for a big fight. He may not have won the ROH title, but he won my heart.

Best Dancer

Notable Nominees:
Curryman – he’s always got the same move, but it’s hot!

BxB Hulk – dancing in synch with his background dancers is no gimmick to Hulk, he even had an extra long sequence this year before his big title match against Shingo.

Alicia Fox – she might be managing some guy, but she only seems to care about shaking her ass.

R Truth – the look of serious concentration on Truth’s face when he’s in the midst of a heavy dance sequence shows that his man has title contender written all over him.

Winner = Sgt. Slaughter
– there have been some classic moments in dancing in pro-wrestling, the Gobbledy Gooker, Brock Lesnar with the mariachis, McMahon with the Dudettes, Stephanie McMahon getting down to Booker T’s theme music at the ‘Invasion’ PPV, but nothing gets me more than watching octogenarian Sgt. Slaughter dancing!

.. and now the big one…

Most Serious Wrestler of the Year

Notable Nominees:
Maria – this chick went from being the world’s biggest idiot to all of a sudden being super serious about everything. That Santino Marella should rent out his dick to dyslexics.

Brother Ray (Team 3-D) – Oh god, if I have to hear one more grand declaration of how important this moment is, or the illustrious list of the Dudley’s achievements, in Ray’s ‘now I’m not joking’ voice, I’m gonna… well, I’m not gonna do anything I guess, but I’m gonna be really bored.

Austin Aries – He almost had this one locked up, but he did crack a few to many smirks (although obviously faked) when Sunny offered herself to him earlier this year, and then goes and cackles like a lunatic after losing to Tyler Black recently, but this super-serious dude has had one hell of a trying year, and it shows on his constantly furrowed brow.

Winner = Randy Orton
– there was nothing funny to Randy Orton in 2008, as he has impressively become one of the most intensely serious wrestlers of all time. All those years of committing to the chin lock when other young wrestlers were practicing spirals on a trampoline have paid off as Orton has cashed in his seriousness for some main event cache. Oh, that and the coveted, first ever, annual Wacky Award for Most Serious Wrestler of the Year!

Come back next week for more Wacky Awards!