Not An Evolution Schematic 01.03.09: Top 10 Promos Of 2009

So, it would appear that I am far, far too nerdy for the likes of you Ask 411 Readers. Ergo, I will now give you a walkthrough on how to solve my Ultimate Challenge, Spoiler Free.

That is, this is how you solve it, not the answers.

Step 1: Find out the True/False answers to all 15 questions, and write them down in order.
Step 2: Bash a couple of brain cells together and work out which intentionally known ‘Code’ has only two components, one larger than the other.
Step 3: Convert your Trues and Falses into these two components, True for the smaller one, False for the larger one.
Step 4: Play around and try to work out the name based on your encoded message, work out where the spaces are between groups of symbols.
Step 5:???
Step 6: Profit!

OK?

As for this weeks NAES, which is the final in our series for now, I go along with the flow and do a cheesy List for the new year. However, since I never got to flex my writing prowess this holiday season, I’ll use it now. Shamelessly ripping off Inspired by Wilcox’s Top 10 Matches, the following are just 10 promos I would like to see happen this year, and how I’d write them. If you miss the Schematics, don’t work, ES: Eric Bischoff will be here next week. I swear.

Kinda.

#10: 3 Men, 1 Title. Sound Familiar?

TNA Impact 04.25.09

TNA Impact goes through it’s normal opening, and before Mike and Don can run down the card, AJ Styles’ music plays, and the new TNA Champion comes down to the ring, showing off his new title. He gets in the ring, posing for his adoring fans before he gets a microphone.

AJ: I know that everyone expects me to come out here tonight and talk about how glad I am that the Main Event Mafia died at Lockdown. I know that they expect me to talk about what a great job Joe, Chris, Eric, Rhino and Ms. Kong did in the Devil’s Den match.

And sure, they did a great job. But I think you can all forgive me for being a little bit selfish here, and want to talk about my new belt!

AJ holds it up to cheers.

AJ: Sting, I just wanna say that that was a hell of match you gave me, and despite everything we’ve been through, the handshake meant a lot. Thank you.

This gets a somewhat mixed reaction.

AJ: But, while I’m still feeling great over my win, I gotta look ahead. Sting was a good champion, despite his opinions, and the last thing I want to do is disappoint my fans. So to that end, I’d like to ask Mick to join me in the ring.

After a moment, Mick Foley, still banged up from his tag match with Jeff against LAX, eventually limps down to ringside to cheers. He plays to the crowd then steps in the ring, shaking AJ’s hand.

AJ: How you feeling Mick?

Mick: Like I got tossed into a steel cage half a dozen times, AJ. Oh wait…

AJ: Heh, well, I know we got a full card tonight Mick, so I’ll make this quick. I’d like to ask a favor.

Mick: *pauses* Well, all right, ask away.

AJ: I’d like to pick my first major title defence, at Sacrifice. I wanna name my opponent.

Mick regards AJ oddly.

Mick: Well, AJ, I’m not so sure about that. I mean, as Champion you do have some say in your opponents, but Sting I’m sure will want to cash in-

AJ: If Sting wants a rematch, he can have it tonight, or next week, or any time, heck, I’ll give him one at Sacrifice as well if I have to. But I want to show respect to the man who broke up the Mafia. I want to fight Christopher Daniels at Sacrifice for this title, and I’m sure these fans wanna see that too!

AJ looks to an approving crowd, when Joe’s music hits. Joe storms to the ring, his head sporting a nasty bandage on his forehead and looking severely pissed off. Joe slides into the ring and goes face to face with AJ.

Joe: I’ll admit that I’ve got a wicked headache right now, so I may not be thinking too clearly, so I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt there AJ. I’ll assume that I didn’t just hear you give Daniels the credit for MY hard work!

AJ: Daniels scored the last 2 pinfalls-

Joe: OFF MY BACK! I won the matches that got us those stips. I’m the one who hit Booker with the Buster that gave Daniels that pin, and I busted Nash open with a chair that took him out, Angel’s Wings or no Angel’s Wings. And considering how much I’ve been jerked around by the Mafia, the only fair thing is to give me a clean shot at that title.

Mick: Joe, you-

Joe: Stay out of this Foley! AJ, if you’re scared of fighting me, fine, but I’ve been waiting too long to let Daniels waltz back into the company and take MY shot away from me!

AJ: It’s not your shot, and maybe if you had shown this fire when you had a shot, you might have-

Joe suddenly headbutts AJ, and begins to lay in chops and kicks, sending him back to the corner, before nailing a running knee. As the fans boo, he goes to set AJ up for the Muscle Buster when Foley goes to pull him off. Joe slaps Foley, then picks up the title belt and brains Foley with it, then AJ again for good measure. As Joe glares at the booing fans and lifts AJ up onto the top rope, Daniels comes sprinting from the back and tackles Joe, the two trading blows until Daniels gets the upper hand and clotheslines Joe out of the ring to the floor. He then looks out at the crowd, then sees AJ on the top rope. And suddenly, he scurries up and hits a Reverse STO on AJ from the top rope. As the crowd is shocked, Daniels picks up the TNA Title and stares at the metal, as if entranced. We cut to the back…

#9: That Bloody Raven…

WWE Raw 11.02.09

Before the opening credits, we fade up onto Shane McMahon’s face. He looks tired but focused.

Shane: Good evening. Before Raw starts, I have an announcement to make. As you may or may not be aware, a particular lawsuit against this company has just been decided upon in state court. This lawsuit, one of a number of persecutions and attacks his company has unfairly and unjustly fallen under in the past few years, has been upheld. While we have, of course, appealed this miscarriage of justice, and we fully intend on winning said appeal, we must abide by some of it’s findings until such appeals have been completed. Ergo, since this lawsuit was attacking our contracts for somewhat dubious reasons, the WWE Board has declared that all Employee Contracts are hereby suspended until further notice. All WWE performers will now be allowed to appear on any and all shows that they wish, provided they negotiate with each brand’s General Manager. This removal of Brand Exclusivity will continue until such time as our contract status has been finalised. Thank you, and enjoy the show.

#8: The King Is Dead, All Hail The King!

WWE Raw 04.06.09

Raw returns from a break, and William Regal’s music hits. The Englishman eventually walks down to ringside, his face downcast and his body slumped as King and Cole recap how CM Punk won the IC title off him last night at Wrestlemania in a brutal Ultimate Submission match, forcing Regal to tap a total of 5 times on his way to victory. King is so impressed by the win he barely talks about Layla’s outfit at all.

Well, almost.

Regal: I…

Ahem. A true gentleman is many things, and an English Gentleman many things more. He is honorable, he is polite, he is determined, and he is unwavering. But he is also a realist. And last night…

I gave it my all last night. And I cam up short. No, I was outclassed in every way. CM Punk last night proved that he is the better man than me. No, he did Layla. And it’s made me realise that, frankly, as much as I hate to say it, I’m just not good enough for this sport any more. Therefore, I announce my immediate retir-

Punk’s music cuts Regal off, and CM comes out, the belt around his waist. He doesn’t play to the crowd, instead staring a hole at Regal, who doesn’t even turn around to face Punk. Punk comes down to ringside, then gets in the ring, his face incredulous.

Punk: So that’s it? You lose one match and that’s it? William Regal’s gonna take his cricket bat home due to one measly match? Willie, you held this belt twice. You held the European title 4 times, and the WCW TV title 4 times. Each time, you lost the belt, you lost a match, sometimes quite badly, but you got back up again. Willie, I may not like you, but I sure as hell respect you, and I hate to see you go out like this.

Regal: Punk, this wasn’t any match. This was MY match, and you outclassed me. 5-2? That’s not the kind of result any self respecting Englishman would be happy with. I’ve made up my mind, I’m retiring, effective immediately.

Punk stares at him, head cocked.

Punk: And there’s nothing I could do to change your mind?

Regal: None. I’ve already handed in my letter of resignation to Ms. McMahon, I was just announcing it to the fans.

The fans actually seem a little upset, and a noticeable “Please Don’t Go” chant starts.

Punk: Well, if there’s no way I can change your mind, I guess there’s only one thing to do, and that’s say goodbye.

Punk holds out his hand. William takes it and shakes, before Punk pulls him in and hits a sudden GTS on him. As Cole gasps, Punk mounts William and lays in punches, before pulling him up, unclasping the IC title and getting a run up to blast Regal in the face with the belt. As Regal goes down, and the fans boo, Punk goes out and grabs a chair, slides back in, and then, as Regal tries to sit up, blood streaming down his face, Punk calmly smashes Regal’s face with the chair. He then wraps the chair around the neck he worked on last night, and comes off the top with a stomp, Pillmanizing the neck. Punk then grabs a mic.

Punk: Now you’re retired.

As officials swarm from the back, Punk looks over at Layla, who stood in the corner, shocked. The two lock eyes, before Layla suddenly bats her eyes and slinks up to Punk. He looks out at the fans as he grabs her by the hair and holds his title up, as Raw goes to break…

#7: Listen To A-Me-A!

WWE Raw 08.24.09

Raw opens on the entire Raw Roster standing in the ring, friends and enemies side by side, all looking displeased to be there. We find out why (although we all already knew) when Opera hits, and Santino walks out in a fine red and black Italian Suit and a huge smile on his face. He waves to the fans (a couple of which are Santino supporters, it must be said) as he approaches a podium set up, with WWE and Italian flags.

Santino: Welcome to you all, to the era of Santino! For after my hard fought victory last night at the Summerslam over the Steph-hanie Mickey Man, I am YOUR General Managers of Raw!

I tell you all now, I will be running the tightest ship, and I will not stand for any of the jinks, high or otherwise! I am da law, I am de man, and I am YOUR Boss! Now, I have many announcements and changes, but I don’t wish to take up too much time right now, I will have plenty of time to lay out the changes, but for now, the 3 main things. Uno, The WWE European Championship is now an active belt once again, and the first champion will be… Me.

Santino pulls the WWE European Title belt from under the podium, showing it high before putting it over his shoulder.

Santino: Due, I feel that the WWE Championship match last night was no good, so I’m booking a rematch, here tonight, H H H vs. Johnchena vs. Ran The Often vs. Christy, tonight!

And Tre, tonight, Ms. Beth Phoenix, you traitor you, you will be defending your new Women’s Titles against… Rosa Mendesi! Enjoy!

But finally, let me make the one thing crystal clear. If you cross me, then you are gone. 1 of the strikes, and it’s game overs, understand? Good, now on with the shows!

#6: Oh, Canada!

WWE Smackdown 09.18.09

Smackdown opens with 5 men and a woman standing in the middle of the ring. Edge, Christian, WWE Champion Chris Jericho, DH Smith, TJ Wilson, and Natalya Neidhart. Edge has a microphone.

Edge: You people might find it strange that I helped someone else a few nights ago. You might not understand why I, along with my brother, helped Chris Jericho win the WWE title off of Big Show, nor why Chris helped the Hart boys here become the Number 1 Contenders for the Tag belts. I’m sure, since we are in Canada tonight, that you’re overjoyed-

Edge pauses for cheers.

Edge: But this is hardly about patriotism. It’s about one thing, and one thing only.

Self Interest.

You see, ever since Vickie quit, and Shane took control of Smackdown, we have all been held down, held back. Even Christian, who Shane swore to when he officially chose Smackdown, that he would get a fair deal, was screwed over by Show and his buddies. And how long has this tag team been around, and held back? Far too long.

But in the words of a countryman, enough is enough and it’s time for a change! Tonight, we officially declare WAR on Smackdown. We’re going to take over, and then once we have cleared out the deadwood, then we will fight to find out just who the better man is. But here and now, we’re united, and we are going to Stampede over all who stand before us.

For if you’re in front of us, The Stampede will trample you into the dust. No matter what.

Edge throws down the mic and the men and woman hold a fist up in unity, as the opening credits start.

#5: MVP Wakes Up.

WWE Smackdown 02.20.09

MVP stands in the ring, about to discuss (we assume) his narrow loss last night in the Chamber match to crown SD’s #1 Contender, when he is stopped before he begins by THE Brian Kendrick’s music. He and Ezekiel Jackson run down to the ring.

Brian: Dude, man, finally found you. Look, we got this 6 man against The Colons and Khali tonight, I assume you’re cool with partnering with THE Brian Kendrick, right?

MVP: No.

Brian: Cool, I’ll go tell… Wait, did you just say No?

MVP: Yes.

Brian: Oh good, I thought you said no there for a moment.

MVP: I did say no. Why would I help you? You cost me the title shot last night, why would I help you now?

Brian: Because we’re buddies?

MVP: Buddies? Dammit, this is the problem! I’m MVP, but I’ve been playing for the wrong side.

Kendrick takes a step back.

Brian: Whoa man, I didn’t-

MVP: An MVP is no good without a good team with him, and I’ve spent too long teaming with slimy, whiny bitches that I’ve become one myself! No more! I’m not going to tag with you, or anyone else who has been dragging me down, you hear me?

Brian: Oh, I hear you.

Brian nods at Jackson, who charges and attacks MVP. As the two begin to beat down MVP Matt Hardy, winner of SD’s Elimination Chamber match, runs out and helps MVP, fighting off the two, the former tag champs eyeing each other carefully to cheers as we cut to a break…

#4: Hey hey hey, Goodbye!

TNA Impact 07.25.09

After a few glimpses of him earlier in the show, eventually Foley makes his way to ringside. But this is not the happy, cheerful owner TNA has experienced for most of the preceding months, no, this is a downcast, unhappy owner. He gets into the ring and talks into a mic, his eyes downcast.

Mick: Jeff, get out here.

After a moment, Jeff Jarrett comes out to a somewhat mixed reaction for his win over Kurt Angle a few days ago at Victory Road, sending Kurt out of the company. Jeff gets into the ring and holds out his hand, which Foley ignores.

Mick: Jeff, I’ve been in this company for only a short time, nearly a year. But everyone knows that I’ve been in this industry for decades, and in that time, I’ve done some pretty wild things. Everyone remembers the punishment I’ve taken, but I’ve dished out a heck of a lot. Which makes what I’m about to say sound so weird, but Jeff, you crossed the line last night.

Jeff is incredulous, and says something off camera.

Mick: Jeff, you pushed for that Loser Leaves Town match, and you pushed for the No DQ stips, and you asked me, man to man, to ref that match. Why? Did you want me there? Did you want me to see first hand what you were willing to do, how low you were willing to go? I’ve used tacks, and barbed wire, and god knows what else, but I have NEVER gone to the lengths you went to at Victory Road, Jeff. If you had wanted Kurt gone so bad, you could have just fired him!

Jeff finally grabs a mike.

Jeff: Mick, the guy was a cancer, you heard what he was planning to do, what he was going to do to this company, I had to-

Mick: NO YOU DIDN’T! You did not have to try and kill him, and that’s what you did Jeff, you tried to KILL Kurt Angle, you ran him down like a damm dog, you sent him crashing head first into concrete, you son of a bitch!

The fans are torn, some agreeing with Mick, some clearly thinking he’s overreacting.

Jeff: All right, so I went over the line, I’m sorry.

Mick: No Jeff, this isn’t something you can just apologize for. Jeff, I should really be doing this backstage, but I wanted the world to hear this first hand, and not rely on gossip and the internet to trade 4th and 5th hand information.

Jeff: Tell me what Mick?

Mick: That we held an emergency meeting this morning, the TNA Committee. And while we cannot legally remove your control of your shares in the ownership of the company, as much as we wanted to, we CAN terminate your contract.

Jeff: What, what are you-

Mick: What I’m saying, Jeff, is that you’re fired.

The Impact Zone gasps

Jeff: You can’t-

Mick: We can and have Jeff. I’m sorry, but we cannot risk you attacking anyone else on the roster like you did Kurt. Security!

As Jeff tries to reason with Mick, TNA Security come to ringside and ask Jeff to come with them. After a few more attempts to get Mick to look at him, Jeff drops his guitar in the ring and leaves TNA with security, the fans still mixed, as Mick looks like he’s about to cry.

#3: He’s back!

WWE No Mercy 10.04.09

Santino awaits in the middle of the ring, awaiting his WWE Board Of Directors mandated WWE European Title defence against a TBA opponent. As he looks out at the Pittsburgh crowd, familiar music hits. The crowd goes wild as Kurt Angle appears from backstage, pyro exploding while the fans do likewise. Kurt looks in something resembling healthy shape as he comes down to the ring. He gets in the ring as Santino grabs a mic.

Santino: Who in de hell are you?

Kurt asks for the mic, and when Santino doesn’t give it, Kurt takes it.

Kurt: Hi, I’m Kurt Angle, and you have something that belongs to me.

Santino: I do?

Kurt: Yeah, you do. Gold.

As Santino looks puzzled, Kurt nails the Angle Slam and then as the ref calls for the bell, locks on the Ankle Lock for a very quick tap out and another title reign to his credit…

#2: A Sour Start

ROH: Hi Def Wrestling 03.05.09

After a superb Jigsaw V Shiozaki match that opened the very first edition of ROH’s new Weekly TV show, ROH is greeted with an unexpected guest, Wrestling Legend Bruno Sammartino. Bruno waits for the ROH fans to quiet down a bit, before he talks.

Bruno: As much as I dislike what certain people have done to this industry, it does feel somewhat special to be back in the ring in front of fans who appreciate good wrestling.

An “ROH” chant starts, but Bruno quiets it down.

Bruno: And it’s even better that it’s now getting a shot on TV. You know, ever since-

Larry Sweeney’s new music hits, and Larry struts out, much to the disgust of the fans. Larry seems bemused by Bruno’s presence, and gets in the ring like an old man, holding his back and hip at various points.

Bruno: Larry, Larry, do you mind?

Sweeney: Yes, I do mind. I mind very much so. Who the hell invited you, old man? Who dug you up, brushed you off, gave you that ugly suit and wheeled you out here, just for a few cheap laughs? I’m upset for you Bruno, coming out here, making an ass out of yourself, and for what? You care for this industry? Please. You only care about yourself, unlike someone like, oh, say, me, who wants to leave something for this industry, a blazed trail unmatched in the annuls of Professional Wrestling, Sweet ‘n’ Sour Inc., the single greatest-

Bruno cuts Larry off with a stiff slap, knocking the obnoxious blonde down. The fans chant something derogatory towards Larry, who bounces up looking red with anger.

Larry: You got a death wish there Zombie?

Bruno responds with another slap, again knocking Larry down. He gets back up, removing his sunglasses.

Larry: One more time, and you’ll-

Bruno chops Larry in the chest, Larry crumples to the floor, then gets back up slowly. He takes a deep breath in and removes his jacket, doing some mock marital arts poses before once again getting in Bruno’s face.

Larry: You do realise how much of a beating I’m about to give you, right?

Bruno headbutts Larry, who falls back, clearly knocked out. As Bruno plays to the crowd, Chris Hero sneaks down to the ring, and locks in a Cravate on the 70+ year old Bruno as Larry begins to stir, and seems to call for more people to come down. However, it is Brent Albright who answers, and runs down to fight off Chris Hero who does a runner, dragging Larry behind him…

#1: Do Your Job

WWE Wrestlemania 04.05.09

Backstage, Special Guest Interviewer Nicole Richie is with The Heart Break Kid, Shawn Michaels.

Nicole: Shawn, in just a few moments, you head down to the ring to fight The Undertaker, on behalf of JBL. What are your thoughts going into this historic match?

HBK: My thoughts, Nicole? My thoughts are what they always are, right before I step through that curtain. I’m thinking about giving it my all, and putting on the best…

I mean, I’m just looking at this match like any…

Who am I kidding? This isn’t some ordinary match. This is Wrestlemania, in my home state, in front of my fans, Mr. Wrestlemania, taking on… The Undertaker, the guy who has never lost here. 16 men before me have tried to defeat The Phenom, and all have failed. The Undertaker is a superb wrestler, he’s perhaps mkore than anyone else the backbone of this company… And I have to fight him, at Wrestlemania, an event that I’m not exactly about to lay down at.

See Nicole, I’ll let it slide that you probably don’t understand exactly what Wrestlemania means to the Heart Break Kid. This is the place where HBK was really born, where my Boyhood Dream was fulfilled, where I was Stunned into the history books and where I got to beat 25 types of hell out of Vince McMahon, where I had to retire Ric Flair, and now, all that history, all that water under the bridge, goes up against a guy with a perfect record that he earned by taking people out.

Nicole, for once in my life, I’m nervous. I have Goosebumps, for the first time in my life, I’m worried. But not that I’ll fail to live up to hype, not that I’m worried about that, but instead, I’m worried about killing another dream. I retired Ric Flair last year. And this year, I might just retire-

JBL: SHAWN!

JBL steps into frame, ice on his neck, a towel on his bloody head.

JBL: Where were you? I gave you exact instructions on when I wanted you to come in and help me get that damm briefcase, and you decide to not turn up?

HBK: John, you heard Stephanie, anyone who went to ringside that wasn’t a participant would be fired.

JBL: You don’t work for Stephanie, you work for me!

Still, I think I might overlook this failure, provided you get the job done tonight.

HBK: Look, I’m going to go in there and do what I always do, steal the show, and I’m going to give it everything I-

JBL: CUT the crap Shawn! I don’t want to hear about you giving it your all, or doing the best you can. I want you to go out there and take The Undertaker out.

HBK: I’m ending the Streak, and that’s-

JBL: NO NO NO! I told you, I want you to destroy The Undertaker. I want the Shawn Michaels who beat Davey Boy Smith in England for the European Title, I want the Shawn Michaels who tossed Marty Jannetty through a glass window, I want the Old Shawn, the REAL Shawn Michaels.

HBK: You listen here, John. Just because I work for you doesn’t mean I’m going to cripple-

JBL: Yes it does Shawn. Yes it does. Because after YOU failed to help me with Money In The Bank, I called my own Bank and made some arrangements. Shawn, the nest egg I have set aside for you, the money you needed to make sure your family was safe, the very reason you agreed to sign to JBL Inc, is riding on this match. If I don’t get the result I want, if you don’t go out there and DO YOUR JOB, you can kiss that money goodbye.

HBK: You…

JBL: I think that’s your cue Shawn. Now go get him.