The 411mania Imperial Rumble 01.25.08: The Match

Lavin: Live, from a jam-packed Pontiac Silverdome, in front of 93,176 screaming fans, readers and trolls, it’s the 1st Annual 411 Staff Imperial Rumble! I am your host, “Queen Of The Ring” Gloria Lavin. To my right is my co-host, the guy with 1000 putdowns, all of them PG13, The Family Roaster.
Roaster: That’s right Gloria The Ever-Lovin’ Lavin, it’s the Silverdome, it’s Imperial Rumble time, so let’s go to THE FINK~!
Lavin: Wait…isn’t that Jarrod Westorfield?
Roaster: I guess he wasn’t popular enough to earn a spot in the match.

Westorfield It is now time for the IMPERIAL RUMBLE! In this match 2 writers will start in the ring. Every so often another writer will come to the ring in random order. Elimination can only occur when a writer goes over the top rope and BOTH feet touch the floor. The last writer standing in the ring will be declared the winner and will received a world title shot at WRESTLEMANIA! And now, introducing the individual who drew number 1!

Lavin: Now that we’ve got those rules out of the way, all we have to do is await the opening bell and find out just which unlucky writer got the worst draw…
Roaster: Small. Have you SEEN his banner efforts?
Lavin: No, I hav en’t. Larry, sitting on his throne, bites off some chicken and then tosses it at a gong, signaling the start of the match.

Entry #1 is Daniel Wilcox

Roaster: It’s Wilcox!
Lavin: Whoa, and he does NOT look happy! Still, he’s somewhat overlooked by the betting community, and he might very well be a ‘dark horse’ as they say.
Roaster: Wilcox has the experience. He has the skill. He has the stamina. And he has the British tenacity to back him up. I got a few dollars on him in Vegas.
Lavin: Well I’ve made a few bets in various locations, but I’ll keep them quiet for now, as we find out who is number 2, an equally unlucky number…

Entry #2 is surprise entrant Joseph Martinez

Roaster: He looks familiar…
Lavin: Who the hell… I’m getting words in my ear, wait, yes, yes, the voices want me to kill again… I’m sorry, I mean I’m getting word that this is Joseph Martinez. And for all of us, I ask, who?
Roaster: I’ve either seen him before, or it’s a case of déjà vu!
Lavin: It’s going to be a long night folks. But they’re locking up, and the Rumble is underway!
Roaster: It’s important early on to pace yourself, preferably by pulling up a deckchair and relaxing for about 40 minutes.
Lavin: Of course, another ideal set up is to toss your opponent early, rest up a bit, then you can just toss guys 1 by 1 as they come in. But for now, the two are jockeying for position in that lock up.
Roaster: Got to give the edge to Wilcox here.
Lavin: Well, he does appear to have the upper hand and, he goes for The Wilcox 1, that modified Stunner, but Joe counters with a hard shove into the corner!
Roaster: Martinez has done some scouting! He was ready for The Uno and had the perfect counter ready. Good planning from this young man.
Lavin: Knee to the back, follows up with a hard snap suplex, Wilcox is up, atomic drop! A somewhat classic approach to the moveset for Joe, don’t you think?
Roaster: Definitely something I’ve seen before. Nothing flashy, just good old-fashioned beatery.
Lavin: Well, while he is taking it to Wilcox, he’s not getting him in a position for an elimination, he seems intent on just delivering the punishment as the countdown to our #3 begins!

Entry #3 is Surprise Entrant THE BOMB!

Roaster: It’s Ann Margaret!
Lavin: Huh, I would have thought a woman like that would be wearing a top… No wait, again I’m getting word, it’s The Bomb, apparently.
Roaster: I bet he didn’t fly here. How the hell do you clear airport security with a name like that?
Lavin: Singing jaunty show tunes… Well that is an impressive powerbomb on Martinez, and here comes Wilcox…Spiral Bomb by The Bomb!
Roaster: Damn, this young boy got moves! His first name isn’t Adam is it?
Lavin: Maybe it is! Maybe it is. He’s working the crowd now… The Bomb has gone off, a dropkick to the back from Joe sends him over the top rope for our first elimination!
Roaster: Playing to the crowd, Gloria. Costs you every time! To hell with the fans, just kick some ass! Otherwise you get your ass Mavened. At least he beat the Warlord though.
Lavin: And Bushwacker Luke… Martinez spent too long gloating there, gets a stiff German suplex from Danny for his troubles!
Roaster: Sharpshooter! Sharpshooter!
Lavin: It won’t eliminate a guy, but it will incapacitate… wait, Joe counters with a kickoff, Wilcox rolls out into the ropes…
Roaster: No, don’t charge…oh boy. Dumb dumb dumb.
Lavin: And Joe almost ends in the 4th row, eliminated by a huge backdrop. Wilcox gets about 15 seconds to rest, while Joe has a long walk back to the locker room to think about what just happened.
Roaster: What is with these young boys? You don’t charge a guy who’s next to the ropes. It’s like going off alone in a horror movie. Better luck next year rookie. Thanks for coming, we have some wonderful parting gifts for you.
Lavin: Yes, a year’s supply of Epic Fail Noodles and a copy of our home game. Here’s the countdown.
Roaster: Wilcox being smart and chilling out with a pint and a pork pie.
Lavin: I’m surprised Larry let him take some from his magnificent spread here. Now here comes our 4th entrant…

Entry #4 is Owain J. Brimfield

Roaster: The Ravenian-like Brimfield…does he even care, Gloria? He seems more interested in quoting the lesser marsh warbler, or some bird, nevermore.
Lavin: WILL YOU STOP… Although I will admit that he’s just sitting in the corner like a sort of bird…
Roaster: So let me get this straight Lavin…Brimfield comes into the biggest match of his 411 career to sit in the corner and look pissed off?
Lavin: Wilcox seems to agree with us, he’s finished his pie and is charging into the corner… RIGHT into a drop toe hold into the turnbuckle! You’ve felt that Roaster, what’s it like?
Roaster: It’s like a vicious bully hitting you in the skull with authority
Lavin: Viper like, would you say? OH! Vicious Ghostbuster by the broody one!
Roaster: He’s pounding and grounding Wilcox!
Lavin: But Wilcox is trying to fight from the ground, kicking and punching! It’s not having much effect on Mr. Emo, but it is preventing him from trying to toss the Brit.
Roaster: Look out, Owain’s got him hooked! He refutes it thus!
Lavin: Ultimate Refutation…no, Wilcox falls to the apron to avoid it, and now he’s trying to suplex OJB out to the floor!
Roaster: Brimfield’s blocking it!
Lavin: A quick jab by Wilcox and Brimfield’s up, he’s out, no! He lands on the apron, quick kick to the gut, he grabs Wilcox, DDT ON THE APRON SKIRT!
Roaster: Wait…he just eliminated himself Lavin! I told you he didn’t care! I told you! He just wants to hurt people!
Lavin: It appears you were right, and he’s not done! He’s grabbed a chair from ringside, no, not like this!
Roaster: OH MY GAWD! A vicious blow. Wilcox is done, Lavin. Whoever’s next just got a freebie.
Lavin: And he’s leaving to the boos of the crowd, giving the one-finger salute to all and sundry… Indeed, whoever this next entrant is, he’s going to be very lucky. It’s… OH MY GOD!

Entry #5 is Surprise Entrant J.D. DUNN!

Roaster: No way! This Rumble is Dunn! JD Dunn! It’s over! Forget it!
Lavin: Well, there’s still a few more big names to come, but I’ll agree that this is the end of Wilcox’s night, and it’s going to be hard for anyone else coming in. Still, Wilcox is pulling himself up, he’s not going up and over without a fight.
Roaster: It’s a matter of time, Gloria. Dude is so far out of his league
Lavin: Well, Dunn is indeed now a heavy favorite to… Dunn lays in a vicious chop to Wilcox, but it seems to fire him up, the two trading chops and European Uppercuts in the center of the ring!
Roaster: STRONG STYLE BABY! WHOOOO!
Lavin: Snap suplex, and Dunn begins to stretch poor Wilcox in ways the human body was not meant to go!
Roaster: Only Dunn could go from a crossface, to a Fujiwara, to a single leg crab, to a Texas cloverleaf and then into an Indian deathlock. He’s a walking wrestling encyclopedia.
Lavin: And me with no index! No wait, that doesn’t work… Dunn appears to be tired of playing around, he’s got Wilcox up for an elimination!
Roaster: Wilcox is squirming like a virgin on prom night!
Lavin: And just like a guy on prom night, Dunn can’t seem to get the right moves together! Wilcox is tenaciously hanging on as the counter starts right back up!
Roaster: I always thought Wilcox was a pussy, but now I see that’s because he has 9 lives! Will this be some help for him?
Lavin: Will you stop! The countdown’s over and it’s…

Entry #6 is Will Helm

Lavin: Will Helm! This will be interesting!
Roaster: These three guys, Lavin…these 3 right here have so much talent, so much ability…this is gonna be a rocketbusta for the next 2 minutes
Lavin: Vintage Helm here as he and Dunn lock up! Headlock from Helm!
Roaster: Hammerlock reversal by Dunn!
Lavin: Snapmare by Helm!
Roaster: Dunn lands on his feet and sweeps the legs
Lavin: Helm jumps the sweep and grabs… something…
Roaster: No, Dunn counters into a, umm…
Lavin: Ok, I’ve been in this sport for nearly a decade, and I don’t even know where to begin with these moves. Wait, did Helm’s leg just pass through his arm there? My god, this is an incedable display of technical prowess!
Roaster: I give up. I don’t even know what that’s a modified version of. And that may be the first 450 sunset flip bomb reversal I ever saw. At least Wilcox is getting a chance to recuperate
Lavin: If that’s what you can call it. Helm and Dunn now back up on their feet, it’s a stand off as the crowd goes wild with respect!
Roaster: Look out for WILCOX!
Lavin: Wilcox out of nowhere with a double clothesline to both men!
Roaster: He’s a controlled frenzy!
Lavin: Ha ha ha, indeed he is, and now he’s trying to toss both Helm and Dunn at the same time, a risky move here!
Roaster: DRAGON SUPLEX!
Lavin: Second Dragon!
Roaster: Helm is dropping Wilcox on his Limey neck! A third Dragon, that’s the Jailbreak!
Lavin: Helm rolls through, and he’s going for… He’s locked in a Liontamer! He’s got that cinched in tight!
Roaster: Dunn treats Wilcox like Daniel! Crippler Crossface!
Lavin: I, uh….
Roaster: Dunn is killing him with that while Helm spreads those legs and pulls on it
Lavin: A double team, ugh…
Roaster: They’ve had this locked in so long, Dunn is looking for a Bible to leave by Wilcox
Lavin: Would you please shut the f- oh thank goodness, the countdown!
Roaster: The dogs are in the yard! Who’s next in the ring?
*silence, then sounds of someone getting slapped with a rolled up stack of paper*
Roaster: Chris Benoit was an evil man. There’s nothing funny about what he did.
Lavin: Well, that’s not totally fair, I mean he did give us all some great matches.

Entry #7 is Leonard Hayhurst

Lavin: Here comes our next entrant, Leonard Hayhurst, business has now picked up! Hopefully.
Roaster: Hayhurst just wants to kick some ass, and he won’t have a long weight to hang out…sorry.
Lavin: Why you f- Mic Check to Helm! Mic Check to Dunn! Mic Check to Wilcox!
Roaster: Check 1! Check 2! Check 3! Hayhurst dominating here Lavin!
Lavin: And showing a great deal of skill here, and now he’s… Garvin Stomping Dunn?
Roaster: Hey Dunn…FUCK YOUR WORKRATE!
Lavin: Uh… Yeah, Lenny holding his own here, Wilcox and Helm now in the ropes, trying to toss each other. Over, toss each other over I mean…
Roaster: There’s an image I could have done without. Right now I’d have to rate Dunn as one of my favourites, as long as he doesn’t choke. Up there with Randle, Lansdell, Double M…
Lavin: Harrison and Randle both still to come, some big names, perhaps one will be coming out of the back with this buzzer now…

Entry #8 is Aaron Hubbard

Roaster: Oh Mary Mother of Sweet Baby Jesus.
Lavin: Oh, Aaron Hubbard! And who gave him a mic?

Hubbard: PRAISE THE LORD! HE IS RISEN! I am completely DISGUSTED with you people. You are all a bunch of no-good liars and hypocrites! You cheat, you steal, you sleep around, you do drugs. This world is heading to Hell in a handbasket! What is wrong with you people? Don’t you understand what I’m trying to say? You all must turn to God and repent of your sins! This is the only way to save yourself. Listen to me. LISTEN TO ME! Repent of your sins! Praise God, the one and only God. The God who is on my side, and will allow me to win the Royal Rumble. And when you see everyone fall at God’s feet and watch me stand in victory, I pray that each and every one of you will get down on your hands and knees and BEG God to forgive you. Honestly, I don’t know how he could forgive this bunch of filthy, immoral, GODLESS group of sinners, but hey, you might as well try. HALLELUJAH AND AMEN!

Roaster: Is he still talking?
Lavin: Dunn with a vicious lariat there to Hayhurst.
Roaster: Random fan with a vicious Pepsi shot to Hubbard. I don’t think they like him much.
Lavin: Just ignore him and maybe he’ll shut up…Woah! Wilcox almost out there!
Roaster: Another life used up! Helm just kicked Wilcox’s teeth clear to Flint!
Lavin: And that’s a fair way… Well, hate him or not, he’s used up the 2 minutes, saving himself a beatdown, and maybe the next entrant will be able to help him out…

Entry #9 is Mathew Sforcina

Roaster: Oh boy! Here comes the beef!
Lavin: Mathew Sforcina, my personal favorite to win this, comes storming out from the back, and damn near takes Aaron’s head off with that clothesline, thank you very much big guy!
Roaster: The crowd just gave him a standing ovulation!
Lavin: I don’t think that means what you think it means.
Roaster: Sure it does! Sforcina just came to The Conclusion all over Hubbard, through a table!! God Boy is now in 2 dimensions!
Lavin: He’s not done, he’s dragging him over to near us, wait a minute, he has him by the throat, Chokeslam through one of Larry’s Salad Bars here at ringside!
Roaster: He’s stopped talking! Hubbard is silent! Praise Jebus!
Lavin: Sforcina steps into the ring while Aaron lies there among the lettuces and leeks. No wait, sorry, that’s the radishes and peas.
Roaster: This talented superstar Sforcina has to be a favorite now, Gloria, even at #9
Lavin: The action has stopped, everyone is looking at him… Helm is the first to break, and runs right into a Phaser! This young man is broken in half, my god!
Roaster: Will he ever be the same again?
Lavin: Probably not, as now everyone changes the veteran big man, but he throws them all away like so many used burger wrappers, and goes after Wilcox with vicious bodyshots.
Roaster: Sforcina is beating Wilcox like a teenager beats it to an AJ Grey post!
Lavin: There was a massive queue to try and take on the big guy, but after those shots everyone else seems reluctant to give it a try! Maybe the number 10 entrant will be more cocky and/or stupid…

Entry #10 is SAT

Lavin: It’s SAT! He runs down to the ring while Sforcina rolls outside to check on Aaron, who you would expect is out of the Rumble due to his injuries. SAT comes in with a crossbody on Wilcox, and it’s Dropkick-O-Mania for all!
Roaster: He’s on fire! SAT is rolling here!
Lavin: Dunn goes down, Helm’s down, Wilcox gets another one, and… SAT just dropkicked a building, albeit a building with a half-pound of Canadian Bacon in its hands in Sforcina.
Roaster: Man that ain’t gonna work. That’s like trying to take down an aircraft carrier with a rubber band and a paper clip.
Lavin: And he’s certainly no MacGuyver. Sforcina takes the much smaller man down and lays in shots with his hand and the bacon, I’m not sure which is worse and THERE GOES WILCOX NO WAIT!
Roaster: ANOTHER life gone. And this one by skinning the cat. IRONY!

Entry #11 is UncleTrunx

Lavin: And speaking of Irony, our #11 entrant is UncleTrunx! You know, for something that’s really only a 1 in 10 chance, tag partners seem to draw consecutive numbers an awful lot…
Roaster: This is a big advantage for these 2 talented young stars!
Lavin: Indeed it is, Trunx comes to his partner’s aid, he pulls Sforcina up, he’s getting a grip on the big guy… no way he gets him up…dropkick by SAT and OH MY GOODNESS!
Roaster: A German so big, 15 Jews just left the building!
Lavin: Would you stop! I’ve had enough… My goodness, Aaron’s up! He’s fighting off the EMTs, it looks like he’s ignoring the doctors and getting back in the match!
Roaster: Good God!
Lavin: The ring is filled with talent, and here comes some more as the counter does it’s job and here comes our #12!
Roaster: Who’s it gonna be?
Lavin: And it’s… Oh you have got to be…

Entry #12 is Surprise Entrant K-Money

Lavin: K-Money? Who the hell let him in?
Roaster: Didn’t we discuss a minimum IQ requirement for this match?
Lavin: Well, that’s what you get for using a multiple choice IQ test, flukes can get through, and here is K-Money, soiling our ring with his entrance, and… Everyone’s stopped in the ring!
Roaster: K-Money is oblivious. This can’t end well.
Lavin: He’s looking around, a big smile on his face… And to the delight of the crowd, the other entrants are all beating the tar out of him!
Roaster: A gangbang of epic proportions! The only thing missing is Missy Hyatt!
Lavin: Well, K’s probably taken more… GODDESS SPECIAL by The Big Man!
Roaster: Trunx positions him….BOTH ROADS by SAT and UncleTrunx!
Lavin: Wilcox grabs him and hits, what else? The Wilcox!
Roaster: Hayhurst is measuring him, Machiavellian-like…ASK, AND YE SHALL RECEIVE!
Lavin: Things aren’t through yet, here’s Helm… deep breath Gloria… THE CONVOLUTED SERIES OF EVENTS!
Roaster: You should be used to getting your mouth around big things and spitting them out.
Lavin: Do I look like K-Money to you?
Roaster: Dunn is asking Helm to step off!
Lavin: K-Money is damn near out of it, and Dunn wants to finish the job, and he locks in the Cattle Mutation, I’m sure we’ll hear bones snap any… Huh?
Roaster: What the hell? Money is acting like he never saw it! HOLY SHIT Helm decapitated him with the jawbreaker lariat!
Lavin: And he’s right back up? What the hell is going on here? Look out…God’s Last Gift!
Roaster: Where did Wilcox learn THAT? Wait a second…Money is still standing! He looks like nothing’s happened!
Lavin: Trunx grabs him, Backdrop Driver! That’s gotta… WHAT?
Roaster: This is…Gloria, you know what this means?
Lavin: It can’t be… He couldn’t possibly know… Could he?
Both: He’s displaying FIGHTING SPIRIT!
Lavin: But of all… Wait, Dunn seems to have an idea, he spins K-Money around, kick to the gut and he hits a rather sad and pathetic looking Pedigree…
Roaster: HE KILLED HIM!
Lavin: Indeed, K-Money appears to be totally discombobulated! But Aaron pulls him up, and now it’s Rolling Germans!
Roaster: He calls this the 10 Commandments, cos he does ten of them. Get it?
Lavin: Yeah, very witty. And it’s a release 10th, right over the top rope and K-Money is gone, as the buzzer counts down.
Roaster: You know, that almost makes up for the proselytizing
Lavin: Almost…

Entry #13 is AJ Grey

Lavin: And here’s our unlucky for some entrant, it’s AJ Grey!
Roaster: This will not make Hubbard happy.
Lavin: Hey, where did my clothes go?
Roaster: This guy is an example of everything that’s wrong with 411mania
Lavin: Aaron seems to agree with you, as he charges him, attacking him while he enters the ring and then locks in the Christian Crossface. Wait…
Roaster: Now I really expect to see a Bible. That’s just WRONG.
Lavin: Grey is tapping like a drum major on speed, and Aaron then pulls him up and tosses him out. Now seriously, where are my clothes? Not that I mind sitting here in my underwear, but that shirt was expensive…
Roaster: I certainly don’t mind. Did Larry pay for the implants?
Lavin: No, they were a gift from my wife… Wait, Hubbard turns around, and now it’s HIS turn to get beat down, clearly everyone else was upset at losing out on the hot babes, oh wait, there they are, on the floor.
Roaster: No wonder Hubbard is so scared to go outside the ring!
Lavin: Well, that group didn’t last long as now everyone is brawling, Hubbard’s on the mat in pain but for now, alone.
Roaster: Woah, where did that come from? Was that Helm?
Lavin: I… Yes, Wilcox has just eliminated Helm! Wilcox so far has been a real star of this Rumble, wouldn’t you agree Roaster?
Roaster: He’s been in there since the start and has eliminated some big names. Like I said, I got money on this guy
Lavin: Well, so far he’s looking to go the distance, but here’s yet another entrant…

Entry #14 is Surprise Entrant Jake Chambers

Roaster: Chambers! Jake Chambers! This isn’t getting any easier for Hubbard!
Lavin: Aaron is pulling himself up, and he looks very upset at this, and Jake is running full pelt down to the ring! He’s a man on a mission!
Roaster: Mabel, Oscar and Mo?
Lavin: Well, he is wearing purple and CACTUS CLOTHESLINE! Both he and Aaron are up and over, both are out of the Rumble, what a shocker!
Roaster: They hate each other so much, they don’t seem to care!
Lavin: The refs are trying to separate them, but they are just brawling all over, much to Larry’s amusement I see. Wait, Dunn’s nearly over! Dunn’s nearly out!
Roaster: This could be huge for Hayhurst, Lavin…HUGE!
Lavin: Indeed, anyone who gets Dunn up and over will see a big boost to their career! The crowd is counting down, here comes the halfway point, who do you think it’s gonna be?
Roaster: Ann Margaret? The ANIMAL Batista?

Entry #15 is Randy Harrison

Lavin: Maybe, we’ll have to see… it’s Randy! Randy Harrison! This young man is looking to make an impact here tonight!
Roaster: His MMA experience should help him in this environment! The $700 man is a legit threat here Lavin!
Lavin: Hayhurst seems unimpressed, and mocks him with some Crane style! Bad move! Randy with a Nokaut, and Lenny is staggered and falls out! Randy with one punch has eliminated Hayhurst!
Roaster: Shot to the heart, Randy’s to blame, Hayhurst just lost in this game!
Lavin: We’d like to again thank Bon Jovi for their song “Always Run To You”, the offical Imperial Rumble theme.
Roaster: I don’t quite know how to tell you this, but Harrison has mounted Wilcox and is pounding away.
Lavin: That’s disgusting. MMA really has no place inside that squared circle. But here comes another entrant, the ring is filling up fast with quality performers. And Sforcina.
Roaster: This time it really is Ann Margret

Entry #16 is Adam Tool

Roaster: This time it really is Ann Margret
Lavin: Would you stop it! It’s Adam Tool! Wait, who’s Adam Tool?
Roaster: SAT and UncleTrunx are trying to hip toss Sforcina out!
Lavin: They have the big guy up, no, wait, he counters, Sforcina tosses both SAT and Trunx at the same time! Wow!
Roaster: Look out for Tool….I thought he had your favorite there! He managed to get Sforcina over, but not to the floor!
Lavin: He just manages to land on the apron, and then sends Tool flying back with a stiff right hand. Well, Sforcina’s the biggest target, but unless everyone gangs up, I can’t see any one man tossing him.
Roaster: My God, my eyes. I just saw JD Dunn try a Spinaroonie.
Lavin: My eyes, the goggles do nothing!
Roaster: Don’t tell me…Sforcina is gonna try one!
Lavin: I’m not sure the ring could handle that… Ha, he was just suckering in Tool for a Phaser!
Roaster: Thank the maker. 400 pounds of spinning white doom could cause a rupture in the time-space continuium. Or his tights. Which would be worse.
Lavin: Indeed. Everyone seems reluctant to make any rash moves, everyone knows we’re heading into the home straight here, Roaster, what would your tactics be here?
Roaster: I’d roll under the bottom rope, buddy up with Larry and try to ass-kiss the win
Lavin: What, and steal the damn victory? Dammit that’s low!
BAUER: BINGO!
Roaster: Winner! Bauer wins a title shot in the future, 5 minutes in the ring with K-Money and a year’s supply of Rice-a-roni! Come on down and get it!
Lavin: Not now, the counter’s about to hit 0! Which next superstar is going to make his way down to the ring and try for immortality?

Entry #17 is Surprise Entrant CHRISTI CSONKA!

Roaster: What the…? That’s no man, that’s a woman!
Lavin: Don’t tell me Ann Margret really is…I-IT’S CHRISTI CSONKA! THE WIFE IS IN THE RUMBLE! You know, maybe she should trade music with Sforcina…
Roaster: No way, he loves Victoria too much. Anyway, who the hell is going to attack her?
Lavin: YEAH! You go girl! She looks determined, even with Dunn holding the ropes open for her like a true gentleman.
Roaster: WHAT? What the hell just happened???
Lavin: She got in the ring and then kicked the ropes behind her, sending Dunn up and over! My god, Christi just tossed Dunn like he was yesterday’s garbage!
Roaster: HOLY FUCKING FUCKERY OF FUCKTASTIC FUCKS! God, I feel so dirty.
Lavin: And so you should. But can you imagine what a boost this would be for Christi’s career, to beat 29 men and win this thing?
Roaster: It’s not out of the question! I mean, would you so much as tap the boss’s wife?
Lavin: Well yes, I would tap that…err, wait, I mean no, I see your point.
Roaster: I see you drink from the furred chalice.
Lavin: Let’s just say I shop on both sides of the street.
Roaster: Awkward…
Lavin: Hey, a girl’s gotta keep her options open. As opposed to Tool, who’s getting choked out by Sforcina there.
Roaster: Wilcox is not only still going, he’s trying to toss out Harrison!
Lavin: What a competitor, and here comes another one now in just a few seconds!
Roaster: It’s getting interesting Gloria!

Entry #18 is Jeremy Thomas

Lavin: Indeed it is Roaster, here’s #18, and it’s… Jeremy Thomas! Now here’s a dark horse if ever I saw one.
Roaster: The Cruiserweight Sensation is going to have to ground himself to have a shot here, but he could surprise some people.
Lavin: Wait, where is he going? He’s going up top, my gosh, this man has no fear!
Roaster: Or no brains…
Lavin: Crossbody to the mass of competitors! Everyone’s down! Spinning wheel kick to Harrison!
Roaster: He’s everywhere! Where does he come UP with this stuff?
Lavin: He’s all over the place and OOOOHH, dropkick right to Christi’s…uh… chest area! And she rolls out of the ring to recover!
Roaster: Smart girl, she’s rolling under the ropes to catch her breast, I mean breath.
Lavin: Look at that chest heaving and… Wait, Tool has JT hooked…
Roaster: THE BACK MOUNTED CHOKEHOLD OF SUPREME DISCOMFORT! THE BACK MOUNTED CHOKEHOLD OF SUPREME DISCOMFORT! TOOL USED THE BACK MOUNTED CHOKEHOLD OF SUPREME DISCOMFORT! DAMN HIM! DAMN HIM TO HELL! HE SWORE WE WOULD NEVER AGAIN SEE THE BACK MOUNTED CHOKEHOLD OF SUPREME DISCOMFORT!
Lavin: Uh, yeah, that…bastard.
Roaster: How about the big man, still standing strong!
Lavin: Sforcina appears to be signaling for the rest of the competitors to bring it on and… No, wait, sorry, he just called for another hunk of bacon, my bad.
Roaster: Can you imagine the titanic showdown if he holds out until Lansdell comes out?
Lavin: Well, we may not have to wait long, the counters nearly there, but I’m both looking forward to and dreading that encounter, they could be there all night and no-one would budge!
Roaster: Wilcox in trouble! No, Thomas saves him
Lavin: But not for long as Harrison now takes it to Wilcox as the crowd counts down, who on earth will be next in?

Entry #19 is James Craig, The Hooligan

Roaster: The Hooligan!
Lavin: James Craig is taking his time coming down to ringside, he seems to be picking his spot carefully…
Roaster: Damn, Harrison and Wilcox are really waffling each other
Lavin: Hooligan in, he rushes those two and… Eliminated Harrison! Wow, that’s a shock, and Harrison does NOT look pleased.
Roaster: Looks like he’s about to chair some people up!
Lavin: Not again, can’t the refs control him? Chairshot to Craig!
Roaster: Chairshots for everyone!
Lavin: Sforcina takes one right to the skull… And he’s still up! My god, he’s… Nope, that second one knocked him down.
Roaster: Harrison just hit the giant reset button on this match with AUTHORITY!
Lavin: Sforcina rolls out, my god, he didn’t just fall on top of Christi did he? That would be… Oh no, there she is on the other side, she looks dazed.
Roaster: Once again, whoever comes out next is going to have an easy time
Lavin: Especially after that vicious Croatian Crunch Piledriver Harrison just gave to Hooligan on the chair. Harrison is leaving, a wake of destruction left behind him.
Roaster: That move will fuck up your spine, man.
Lavin: I’m glad I don’t know if that’s true or not, but here comes the 20th entrant, we are two thirds there…

Entry #20 is Dustin James

Lavin: …and it’s Dustin James!
Roaster: He looks pretty confident, and who wouldn’t? Everyone in the ring is dead!
Lavin: Indeed, he’s sliding into the ring at the same time as Christi… Wait, I think she must have hit her head on the way down, did she just call Thomas ‘Larry’?
Roaster: Wouldn’t be the first time someone made that error…
Lavin: She’s helping him up, dusting him off, she seems to be about to kiss him, lucky HEY HEY HEY! Tool just rushed her from behind, and Christi is out of the Rumble! BOO! BOO!
Roaster: Larry is going ballistic! He’s spitting bullets! No, wait, those are sunflower seeds.
Lavin: He does seems upset, but whether it’s about her elimination or about her mistaking Thomas for him is hard to say. Everyone is pairing off, this Rumble is nowhere near over yet!
Roaster: Csonka just told Craig, Thomas and Wilcox to kill Tool!
Lavin: The three seem a little hesitant, but they do as ordered, Tool is attacked by all three men while we count down another entrant!
Roaster: While we wait, I just got word that our attendance has gone up to 93,177.
Lavin: What, someone scam a ticket off a scalper?
Roaster: No, someone gave birth.
Lavin: Oh. Well, maybe they can name the kid after the winner…

Entry #21 is Surprise Entrant ROB! VAN! DAM!

Lavin: What the heck?
Roaster: It can’t be!
Lavin: Rob! Van! Dam! The crowd is going nuts, RVD is running down to the ring, chair in hand!
Roaster: Did he sign with 411mania?
Lavin: Van Daminator to Tool! RVD poses and Thomas clotheslines him up and over!
Roaster: Damn, already?
Lavin: I guess it was just a one-shot deal.
Roaster: What a wreck in this ring! Look at the carnage!
Lavin: Everyone is brawling, except Sforcina who’s still pulling himself up off the floor, and James who looks to be hiding.
Roaster: He’s not hiding you ham and egger, he’s being SMART!
Lavin: Smart, Scared, it’s all the same in the end. Now look at Wilcox, he’s been here longer than anyone, but he’s still trading shots with Craig.
Roaster: If you can call them shots. It’s more like love taps.
Lavin: Well, they are both exhausted, and both try desperately to cling on, as another fresh entrant is about to emerge…
Roaster: Wait a second! Larry just passed Sforcina a Dunkin’ Donuts box!
Lavin: Sforcina bends over it, my god, he’s destroying that box and… He’s up, my god, it’s like he’s a new man! Heaven help his opponents, including the next entrant.

Entry #22 is Double M

Roaster: The cagey veteran could be seeing his last chance at glory here Lavin. Never count out the desperate.
Lavin: Indeed, he’s certainly showing some smarts, rolling into the ring to avoid Sforcina, who seems to be high on a sugar rush outside, running around like a mad man.
Roaster: He rolled Dustin James in too, and the ring is starting to fill up
Lavin: Thomas nails a stiff Transplant on Craig there, and… That’s the loudest roar I’ve ever heard out of a human that I just heard from Sforcina.
Roaster: LOOK OUT HE’S LOOSE! So we even sure he IS human?
Lavin: He’s nailing clothesline avalanches on everything that moves! My god, he just tossed James Craig into the 5th row!
Roaster: Tool is on Sforcina’s back, trying to apply a sleeper!
Lavin: And gets snap mared into the 12th row for his troubles! Now Sforcina has James in his sights!
Roaster: If looks could kill…James pulls a Sid and shits himself! I told him Gloria! I told him not to wear a shirt with a steak on it!
Lavin: And he eliminates himself! Thank goodness, he was starting to smell. Thomas appears to be less fazed by Sforcina, he’s taking it to the big man!
Roaster: WHAT A SHOT! Enziguiri to the back of the head!
Lavin: Sforcina looks stunned! He’s got that Krispy Kream look, glazed over, and Thomas goes up for a moonsault!
Roaster: Another dumb idea.
Lavin: And Sforcina shakes the cobwebs loose, pushes Thomas, and DEAR GOD did you hear that noise?
Roaster: Last time I heard a splat like that was Bundy at ‘Mania.
Lavin: I’d like to apologize for that remark, although if you’re still watching you probably found it funny, so let’s move on. Sforcina now seems to be having fun batting MM around like a rag doll.
Roaster: Can anyone stop Sforcina? He’s so big, so dominant, and he’s not tiring despite almost 25 minutes in that ring!
Lavin: Well, maybe the next entrant will have better luck against the Sugar Powered Victoria Worshipper, we’re just 10 seconds away from another entry!
Roaster: I hope it’s not Ann Margaret.

Entry #23 is Chris Lansdell

Lavin: So do I, and it’s… LANSDELL! Business just became more profitable!
Roaster: This…is going to get real physical, real quick. If I’m Wilcox right now, I’m hiding.
Lavin: And if I’m MM I start praying. But Sforcina has his eyes locked on the fellow big man, the two staring at each other, daring each other to make the first move.
Roaster: You can feel the tension here! It’s on a hair trigger!
Lavin: Sforcina breaks first, shoving Lansdell! Lansdell shoves him right back! The atmosphere is electric!
Roaster: Backhand! Dragon Punch! Lansdell connects with the dreaded PIMP…HAND…STRONG!
Lavin: Sforcina rocks, and now all 3 men are trying to toss him over! Is this where the Giant From Down Under Goes Down?
Roaster: Lansdell is directing Wilcox and Double M as Sforcina is still trying to count his teeth!
Lavin: Each man has grabbed a leg, while Lansdell pushes his chest, but Sforcina don’t want to go, and he ain’t going! Maybe with a little help, there’s another entrant due any second…

Entry #24 is Michael O

Roaster: Lansdell’s disciple! Sforcina’s goose is cooked!
Lavin: Well, it was a great run, but indeed, Sforcina’s up against 4 men, he has no… hope… Where is he? Is he coming through the crowd or something?
Roaster: Maybe he’s high up in the rafters.
Lavin: No, he’s not anywhere, Lansdell seems annoyed and… Wait, Larry just passed me a note here, it says here that Michael O has been suspended due to a Wellness Violation. Man, tough break.
Roaster: Aww, now Lansdell is going to have to get his widdle Pimp Hand dirty. Poor baby.
Lavin: He seems reluctant, and the teaming seems to fall apart, MM and Wilcox are in Lansdell’s face now!
Roaster: Lansdell is looking worried
Lavin: Wait, now Wilcox and MM are having words, and they come to blows! Lucky break for Lansdell there, although Sforcina’s hanging into the bottom rope, smart move.
Roaster: Not for long, Lansdell is using that bottom rope to choke out Sforcina as the countdown starts!
Lavin: Smart man, although if Sforcina passes out, it’ll be hard to send him up and over, even with…

Entry #25 is George H. Sirois

Lavin: Sirois! George H. Sirois is our 25th entrant!
Roaster: It’s time to go to school! The elder statesman of 411mania is on his way out!
Lavin: Breaking News to Wilcox! Breaking News to MM! Breaking News to Sforcina! BREAKING NEWS TO LANSDELL, my god!
Roaster: Sirois is rolling!
Lavin: He pulls Sforcina into a corner and starts stomping away! Wait, MM has Wilcox, MM sends Wilcox flying, he’s… No, wait, Lansdell just saved Wilcox from elimination! What the hell?
Roaster: Smart! Smart for both guys! Lansdell is a Brit too, he has a common thread with Wilcox here. These two can run the gauntlet from here on in!
Lavin: It certainly changes the dynamic of the match, the two of them now working over MM in the corner, trying to toss the veteran although he’s hanging on for dear life.
Roaster: Look out, Lansdell has MM up…Go Flasher!
Lavin: MM crashes to the mat, and Sforcina blocks a charge by Sirois, picks him up, Goddess Special to George, my god!
Roaster: Only 5 more to go! Here comes number 26, who is it?

Entry #26 is Mike Campbell

Lavin: I think it’s… Mike Campbell! Mike Campbell ladies and gentlemen! It’s been a fantastic Rumble so far, what star rating would you give it Roaster?
Roaster: *I* would give it **** at least. If Campbell wins, it MIGHT get ***.
Lavin: Maybe. He’s taking off his crocs now. Huh, didn’t know he was Japanese. No wait, he throws one at Wilcox, knocking him for a loop!
Roaster: Who throws a shoe? I mean really.
Lavin: Well, Mike does, as he throws another at Lansdell! Low blow to Sforcina, the big man falling down!
Roaster: Every man has a weakness, eh Lavin?
Lavin: Well, it’d be hard to miss that target, if the rumors are true, which they probably aren’t. A nasty looking Buzzkiller to Double M there from Mike.
Roaster: Lansdell is half dazed, half shocked that someone threw a croc at him. Northern Lariat to Campbell!
Lavin: Campbell flips up and over, landing face first to the mat. This Rumble is anyone’s, but Mr. Lucky is about to enter, #27 is about to come down to the ring.
Roaster: The tension is rising! Who’s got the lucky number?

Entry #27 is Surprise Entrant Arnold Furious

Lavin: Here it comes, and it’s… My Lord, Arnold Furious! What a shocker!
Roaster: The man who is only alive because his liver is pickled! And he has a beer!
Lavin: Well, only in moderation folks. Although you’d have to be full of that Dutch courage to step into that ring right now. But with the lucky 27, and his history, Furious is now a clear favorite to win the whole shebang!
Roaster: Absolutely and OH DAMN! Sforcina just got the rest of that beer, AND the bottle!
Lavin: Glass everywhere! Matt’s down! Matt’s Down! No need to ask him how that felt, the blood tells the story there! And now Furious is going after everyone!
Roaster: He’s furious alright! He’s pounding on everyone!
Lavin: Campbell doesn’t go down from the punch, so Furious grabs him! Three Amigos! That’s gotta hurt!
Roaster: You wouldn’t know it unless you’ve been in there Lavin, just how bad that sucks. To go up and down three times, getting dropped from on high each time…trust me, it sucks.
Lavin: And he’s not done, he’s taking a chance going up top, but it pays off! Shooting Star Press to Campbell, and Mike is practically coughing up blood! What a move!
Roaster: That was breathtaking. Best move we’ve seen all night!
Lavin: Furious is on a roll, and Wilcox is back up! My god, the Iron Man of this match has Furious! Kick to the gut, Tiger Driver 99! My god, right on his head!
Roaster: He’s feeding him to Lansdell, Kevin Steen style! THE VIDEO REVIEW!!!
Lavin: Furious rolls up to his feet, he’s gotta be out of it, he’s… Smiling? He just took as vicious a Burning Hammer as I’ve ever seen, and he’s fine! What on earth is his secret?
Roaster: He has no brain cells left.
Lavin: But is that due to the booze or just fighting spirit?
Roaster: More like drinking spirits.
Lavin: True… Well, here’s number 28, about to make his way down to the ring, who could it be?
Roaster: Ann…No. Never mind.
Lavin: Yeah, that joke’s old. And it is… Wait, I know that music…

Entry #28 is Surprise Entrant Larry Csonka

Lavin: No, it’s… OH NO! Folks, I must apologize, but look, Larry Csonka has gotten up, and underneath his robes is his wrestling gear! DAMMIT, he lied to us all, he IS in the Rumble!
Roaster: Damn it all! Csonka fools us all again! That evil grin as he climbs the ring steps! WHY LARRY WHY?
Lavin: I’ll tell you why, no-one was prepared for him, no-one’s been training for him, he fooled us all! RKO to MM! RKO to Wilcox! Another to Lansdell! Sforcina eats one too! Furious is nailed, Campbell too, and George to finish it off, my god, 7 RKOs, and Larry is the sole man standing, and just listen to this reaction!
Roaster: Fuck the viper, that was black mamba-like. Csonka is going to berry every man in this ring, dammit!
Lavin: Furious and MM are pulling each other up, they may have formed a duo, they turn, and DAMMIT! Larry clotheslines them both over, the bastard!
Roaster: Someone has to stop him! Lansdell, Sforcina, team up and stop him!
Lavin: Campbell is up first, and he WAFFLES Larry with a croc!! But Larry isn’t phased, and he slaps Mike right across the face! Mike staggers back and trips on his other Croc! He’s out, dammit, Larry got another one!
Roaster: Damn that was a slap and a half! Campbell will be sipping soup through a straw for a month!
Lavin: George steps up, could he be the guy? He’s taking it to Larry, and Larry is staggering! George has Larry on the ropes, could this be it! He steps back, coming off the ropes for a massive shot…
Roaster: Lansdell you IDIOT! NO!
Lavin: Lansdell pulled the ropes down, George goes sailing over the top rope and to the floor, just as he was running for a shot to take Larry out! Larry looks pleased, especially after he low-blows Lansdell!
Roaster: Dammit, Sirois was our last best hope, and Lansdell took him out!
Lavin: Well, maybe #29 can be someone we can put our faith in..

Entry #29 is Surprise Entrant Rob McNew

Lavin: It’s… Oh, Rob McNew. What a surprise.
Roaster: Such an appropriate surname!
Lavin: He runs down to the ring, slides in, and Larry clotheslines him back out again.
Roaster: BUSHWHACKER AWARD!
Lavin: Well, better luck next year kid… Wait, Larry is distracted, and Sforcina, Lansdell and Wilcox are all waiting!
Roaster: YES! MURDER! DEATH! KILL!
Lavin: Larry charges, and Sforcina takes him down with the Phaser! YES!
Roaster: Lansdell wants a turn! Revenge for the nut shot!
Lavin: Smarksta’s Paradise! And Larry is down! Awesome! Wilcox goes up top, get ready…
Roaster: SPINNING THROUGH THE AIR~!
Lavin: Wilcox 3, and Larry looks spent! It’s all over now! Sforcina picks him up, it looks like he’ll have the honor, he goes to toss Larry out now!
Roaster: They’ve got him! They’ve…LANSDELL NO!
Lavin: Sforcina is eliminated! Sforcina is eliminated! Wilcox and Lansdell have turned their back on him, and why? They now take it to Larry, slugging him down while the final entrant is almost upon us!
Roaster: We know who this is! Larry has no hope now!
Lavin: Larry is busted open as here comes our #30…

Entry #30 is Stephan Randle