Thursday Sports Entertainment News Report 08.30.12

Greetings, folks, and welcome to another edition of Thursday Sports Entertainment! Lots of great comments last week – keep ‘em coming. Let’s see what you had to say, shall we?

WORLD (WRESTLING ENTERTAINMENT) NEWS TONIGHT

The Rock posted the following on Twitter…

Cena leaps 15ft & crashes down on the back of my neck – tearing my right hamstring. Intense pain. #IFinishedTheMatchhttp://t.co/NYuJDzht

This particular camera angle shows that Cena botched the move. Cena’s ass lands squarely on the Rock’s neck, forcing the Rock to fall awkwardly. Kudos to the Rock for finishing the match, though. Close calls like this make me appreciate the Rock’s return that much more. Think about it. The man is responsible for launching movies that cost hundreds of millions of dollars to make and promote. If he were seriously injured, his career, and the jobs of literally thousands of others in the movie industry would be affected. “Oh, remember the guy who is going to help carry Fast 6? He can’t film because John Cena broke his leg. We’ll have to push the schedule back a few months.” When I sit back and think about it, the Rock is a huge idiot for bothering with wrestling at all these days. And that’s exactly why he’s so awesome.

As for Cena, I’ve been thinking a lot about the frequent calls for him to turn heel. After much ruminating (2 mins worth), I’ve figured out when Cena’s heel turn is going to happen.

Wrestling is frequently referred to as a “cyclical business,” meaning that there are peaks and valleys in terms of popularity. It takes a long time to build up new stars (valley), and after all the build-up, the main eventers have an incredible run at the top (peak) until they’re too old or broken down to continue. (valley). Thus, the cycle repeats itself.

For Cena’s heel turn, I’m going to make the case that his career will likely follow the path of Hulk Hogan’s. Back in the 80’s, Hulk was a god to children everywhere. He was one of the top Make-A-Wish ambassadors. Sure, older folks would rather cheer for Macho Man or the Ultimate Warrior, but those high pitched squeals from the thousands of Hulkamaniacs were constant. His T-shirts were top sellers, and he got endorsement deals from the likes of Right Guard. Sound familiar?

Cena’s career is following a very similar path. He’s a god to children everywhere. He’s one of the top Make-A-Wish ambassadors. Sure, older folks would rather cheer for CM Punk or Daniel Bryan, but those high pitched squeals from the thousands of CeNation fans are constant. His T-shirts are top sellers, and he has endorsement deals with the likes of Gillette.

At some point, just like with Hulk Hogan, those cheers will fade. The merchandise sales will slow. Cena’s core audience will grow up and grow more cynical of his boy scout ways. Faced with losing all that Cena money, WWE will do what WCW did with Hogan when facing a similar predicament – they’ll turn him heel, revitalizing his character and giving him a whole new dimension.

The way I see it, your average Cena fan is 7-8 years old. Kids these days seem to get cynical around 11 or 12, so expect a Cena heel turn in four years: 2016. Mark your calendars now!

Is that sound reasoning, or am I stretching a bit here?

Ric Flair is encouraging his fans to get him an appearance in The Hangover Part III. Flair endorsed the movement, started by several wrestling fans, and is encouraging fans on Twitter to get the hashtag #FlairHangover3 trending worldwide. The movement is also being endorsed by the official Ric Flair Facebook page.

The film will see the returns of Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms and Zach Galifianakis and has a release date set for May 24, 2013.

I like this idea a lot. Let’s say that in the next Hangover film the boys swear to each other that they won’t get involved in any more hijinx. They’re going to go out, have a good time, but not do anything excessive. They show up at the bar only to find The Nature Boy doing his thing. If they are wrestling fans – who’s going to turn down shots with Ric Flair? I don’t even drink and *I* wouldn’t turn down a shot with Ric. Plus, a paycheck from The Hangover oughta keep Naitch off the streets a few more months. WOOOOOOOO!

Scorpio Sky played Harold in the anger management class scenes with Daniel Bryan and Kane. Sky had reportedly skipped out on a WWE tryout last week, but that was obviously not the case.

The anger management scenes were filmed in Los Angeles last week and will run for at least one to two more weeks.

I must say, the anger management sketches with Kane were 100% fortified with AWESOME. When the sketches were done, I remember thinking to myself “why didn’t Kane beat up Harold?” Surely the anger management counseling didn’t take that quickly. Then I let my imagination wander off a bit, and pictured a scenario where Kane actually likes Harold and becomes friends with him – Harold would be Kane’s first real friend. (Please forgive my fantasy booking just this once).

The problem is that Kane has no idea how to be a friend to someone. I pictured Kane doing some wild things to showcase his friendship, like busting into Harold’s boss’s office, demanding that Harold get a promotion or he’d set the boss on fire. Of course, Harold would also be a target for whomever was feuding with Kane, forcing Kane to do some drastic things to save his only friend.

It reminds me of a classic exchange from the movie Tombstone, where Doc Holliday and Turkey Creek Jack Johnson sit by a river, waiting to engage in a battle of impossible odds in support of Wyatt Earp:

Turkey Creek Jack Johnson: Why you doin’ this, Doc?
Doc Holliday: Because Wyatt Earp is my friend.
Turkey Creek Jack Johnson: Friend? Hell, I got lots of friends.
Doc Holliday: …I don’t.

Ah, the power of true friendship. Think WWE will go down this route, allowing Kane to become a more complex, interesting character, elevating Scorpio Sky aka Harold in the process?

Nah, me neither.

Cameron, real name Ariane Andrew, was arrested on a charge of driving under the influence. The Funkette was arrested on Friday at 2:44 AM in Hillsborough County, Florida and was released on a $500 bond. Andrew refused a blood alcohol test at the scene. She also listed Wells Fargo as her employer, not WWE, on her arrest report.

Somebody call my lawyah! Many have speculated that this will lead to Cameron’s ouster, and I didn’t think that will happen. My prediction was that she would be punished in some way where she got to keep her job – a fine, on screen beatdown, etc. After all, Alex Riley did the same thing and is still collecting a paycheck, right?

But then update number two came out:

TMZ reports that Cameron allegedly tried to bribe cops after she was arrested for DUI. The site has the arrest report, which says that Cameron (aka Ariane Nicole Andrew) was arrested at 2:23 AM just outside of Tampa International Airport. Cameron blew a .20, which is over twice the legal limit in the state.

A rep for the company said, “Ariane [Cameron] did not alert us to this matter, we are investigating and will take appropriate action.”

So now she’s dead. DUI is bad enough, but DUI, attempted bribery and trying to hide it = TERMINATED. Besides, it’s not like she’ll be tough to replace. How hard can it be to find a dancer?

My only hope is that somehow Cameron parlays this into an endorsement deal so we can hear that holier-than-thou prick CM Punk bitch about it on Twitter!

WWE Continues to be happy with Ryback and the reaction that he has been receiving. WWE understands the damage that has been done to other talents who are pushed very hard at first and then reigned in. This is the reason that WWE continues to build Ryback slowly, with him just now moving onto mid-card talent.

I like Ryback’s push. No need to hurry things up. Let it slowly build until he reaches the top of the food chain. The question is, what’s the top of the food chain? My initial reaction is that it’s John Cena, but I’d much rather see a Ryback vs. Lesnar match, ideally at WrestleMania. There’s no better way to make Ryback a star than to have him take out Lesnar on the grandest stage of all.

My wife walked by when I was watching RAW & Ryback was just coming out. Usually, she ignores wrestling and would much rather focus on making a wacky cake. This time, she actually stopped and said “holy shit, who is that?” She then proceeded to watch Ryback’s entire match with me – something she never does. (We both thought that Swagger was nearly killed, by the way). To me, this shows that Ryback has what it takes to attract new eyeballs. If he can make my wife, who’s practically immune to wrestling programming at this point, stop and take notice, then he has the “it” factor that’s necessary to become a main eventer.

On the Late Show, David Letterman made a joke about wrestling fans in his top 10. Number nine on his list of “The Top 10 Signs You’re Not One Of The Smartest People In The World” was “Invested all of your money in Wrestling Magazines.”

I’ve never been a David Letterman guy. As far back as I can remember, Dave had this attitude like he didn’t give a shit about his show and was just going through the motions. If he doesn’t care about his show, then why should I? Also, he’s tremendously unfunny.

I also never understood the appeal of his Top 10 lists. When done right, they can be entertaining, but his never are. So I’m taking the liberty of showing Mr. Letterman how a Top 10 list should be done:

From the home office in Brooklyn, NY…it’s Thursday Sports Entertainment’s Top 10 Signs You’re Not One of the Smartest People in the World!

10. You lose the tonight show to the Doritos spokesperson
09. You think repeatedly saying “Oprah, Uma!” at the Oscars is hilarious
08. You air unfunny sketches like “Will it float?”
07. You find Paul Schaeffer to be an interesting conversationalist
06. You get worked by Jerry Lawler and Andy Kaufman
05. You’re an executive who routinely pays a has-been comedian top dollar to broadcast a late night talkshow with low ratings
04. You make a joke about a 14-year old girl getting “knocked up” by a New York Yankee
03. Cher calls you “an asshole” on your own talk show. CHER!
02. Crispin Glover tries to kick you in the face
01. You’re a young woman working for David “creepy sexual harasser” Letterman!

Wow, that list was a lot easier to put together than I thought it would be. Anything on there less funny than “you invest all your money in wrestling magazines?”

AN IMPORTANT FIRE SAFETY REMINDER

All schools, office buildings, etc. are required to carry out fire drills. These drills are meant to inform you on how to best escape a fire should, Lord forbid, one ever occur. I find fire safety to be very important, and, in the spirit of safety and learning, we’re going to conduct our very own Thursday Sports Entertainment fire drill. I do this out of concern for you, my dear readers. If any of you ever perished in a fire, the last thing I want is that dreaded feeling of “NO! I COULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING! HE DIED BECAUSE OF MEEEEEEEEE!” That’s not going to happen. Not on my watch. By God, if you’re ever in a fire, you will know what to do because SEAN KELLY GAVE YOUR ASS A FIRE DRILL!

So take a moment to study the graphic below. Learn it. Live it. If you’re ever in a fire, it just might save your life.

A CALL TO ARMS

When writing this news report, I don’t expect much in return. More often than not, you leaving a comment below makes me a happy camper. Today, I need a very, very small favor from you, dear reader.

My wife entered the wrestling-themed baking competition SugarSlam. Right now, voting is taking place for the People’s Choice Award. All you need to do to vote for my wife is to click HERE, scroll down to the poll, click on “The Undercaker” (the last choice) and click the vote button. That’s it. You only vote once, and there’s no need to create an account, sign in, give personal info – nothing. It’ll be the easiest 10 seconds in your life and it’ll make me very happy. You have to do it right now though, as voting ends this afternoon.

Take a look at this picture of her 100% edible creation and you’ll understand why she deserves the most votes:

So won’t you please take a few seconds to click HERE, click on the Undercaker, and click Vote? Pretty please? It’s just three clicks! Let’s show everyone that 411 readers are the best readers!

Like I said, it’ll be the easiest 10 seconds of your life. In fact, I bet you can do it in LESS than 10 seconds. I’ll tell ya what, post how long it takes you to vote for the Undercaker from the time you click on the link until the time you hit the vote button. Post your time in the comments and we’ll see who has the fastest trigger finger on 411! Very apropos with the Doc Holliday reference earlier. Besides, she’s down by like 30 votes as of this writing. Surely I have more than 30 readers? Thanks for your help!

YOU’RE IN FOR A REAL TWEET

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SIGNING OFF

Thank you for making Thursday Sports Entertainment your destination for Wrestling News, Opinions, etc. Please don’t forget to vote for my wife by clicking on The Undercaker radio button and then clicking the vote button. Thanks a million!

Hasta Jueves,

This is Sean.