411’s WWE Smackdown Report 05.21.10

So let’s get this started!

We open with a video package showcasing Jack Swagger’s exhibition of his greatness, which was rudely interrupted by the Big Show. Some people just have no respect, you know? The usage of the 1812 Overture during Big Show destroying Swagger’s stuff made me laugh, though.

Smackdown is in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada this week! Todd Grisham & Matt Striker are your hosts and they pimp the card.

In the ring, the Straight Edge Society are flanked by three would-be pledges. Luke Gallows says there was a time where he was like everybody else: weak minded, pathetic and riddled with addiction. He used to think it was impossible to expect a better life for himself, but CM Punk can make the impossible possible! Serena tells us that we need to stand up right now and show this “perfect man” the respect he deserves. Luke can’t think of a better place for his most generous act. In Canada it’s legal for teenagers to drink alcoholic beverages! Well, that explains a lot about the Canadians I know. They handicap themselves while their parents turn a blind eye. These three will change that for themselves and take a pledge. Serena says they represent the decay and worthlessness of Canada. They are here to heal them. At Over the Limit, CM Punk will heal Rey Mysterio. Through him, the power of Straight Edge will be seen from now to eternity. Punk tells the pledges to raise their hands and reach for the sky, and the audience members in the arena and television who were moved by the words of Gallows & Serena can feel free to join them and feel the power of straight edge flow through them. This pledge absolves them of all their weaknesses, of blame for all of their bad decisions, and makes them better than everybody. Repeat after him:

“I pledge allegiance to the Straight Edge Society,
One Nation under Punk
Indivisible,
With Integrity & Sobriety for all!”

This moment begins the rest of their lives. No longer are they weak like the other fans. Just like Rey will do at Over the Limit, they need to show their devotion through action as well as words. Punk is a kind savior, but he does have needs. Let the healing begin! We get some dramatic music as Punk, Gallows & Serena shave the heads of the pledges. Punk tells them to feel the power of CM Punk flow through them. In defense of the SES, these three had some pretty bad haircuts anyway.

Here comes Rey Mysterio! He says this mass induction ceremony is way too ridiculous. He claims the three bald guys look silly. Everyone will really be laughing this Sunday when CM Punk has no hair. We get a picture on the Titantron of Punk with no hair, but still rocking the beard. Yeah, he’d probably do that. Punk expresses outrage as we go to commercial.

We come back and we see that during the commercial, the SES demonstrated what they would do to Rey at Over the Limit by beating up their pledges. Well that’s no way to treat your minions. Or is it? I don’t know, I’ve never had minions.

Match 1: Divas Tag Team Match

Co-Women’s Champions Michelle McCool & Layla vs. Tiffany & Kelly Kelly

Side headlock by Layla on Kelly to start the match, off the ropes, Layla rolls through a hip toss attempt into a funky pin cover for two. Arm wringer by Layla, Kelly up top, bounces off the top rope and arm drags Layla. Kick by Kelly, Layla gets vaulted over the top rope, she lands on the apron but Kelly knocks Layla off, who hits her head on the apron! Michelle charges at Kelly on the apron and gets kicked onto the floor. Kelly on the second rope…PLANCHA! Well, she was a little short on it but did manage to hit McCool. Layla runs off, but runs into a clothesline off the apron from Tiffany! Back in the ring now, Tiffany hit’s a sunset flip for two. Elbow, into the corner, Tiffany with a dance and then a monkey flip. Layla takes control, tags in McCool, who gets tossed across the ring. Layla gets knocked off the apron, Michelle counters Tiffany’s attempted monkey flip and hits the Faithbreaker! Three count!

Winners: Team LayCool (2:01 *1/2)

Wow. That looked like it was headed somewhere with some fun offense from the Hollywood (Florida) Blondes, but it just ended out of nowhere. Reminds me of my sex life.

Hi, he’s the Big Show. The number one contender for the World Championship. Jack Swagger has been telling us about his accolades. They’re all great. But did you know that three weeks ago, he knocked Jack Swagger out? If you think that was impressive, that was just one of his many accomplishments.

You know, that seems familiar, but I can’t quite put my finger on it…

Match 2: Singles Action

JTG vs. Caylen Croft (w/Trent Barreta)

We get a brief promo from the Dudebusters before the match which doesn’t tell us a whole lot. They’re about busting dudes up. Well how about that. JTG with a clothesline and a seated blockbuster gets a 1 count. Croft lands a cheapish shot on JTG, a neck breaker gets a 1 count. Cravate by Croft, JTG taps on the mat several times, which by all rights should mean he’s tapping out, but the referee doesn’t recognize it. Where’d this guy get his license, in a box of Captain Crunch? Back to the cravate and the tapping, JTG fights out, punch, shoulder block and clothesline followed by a dropkick by JTG. Into the corner and a botched Mug Shot. Baretta’s up on the apron with a distraction, but it doesn’t matter as Croft runs right into a Shout Out for a three count.

Winner: JTG (2:32 *)

Well, that was something. Boring offense by Croft leads to botched offense from JTG and a victory. I don’t think that’s the effort these guys needed to have.

Backstage, Vickie Guerrero plays on her cell phone until Christian shows up. Vickie heard that tonight is the return of the Peep Show! She wants to know who the first guest is and puts herself over for it. Christian says he’d like to, but he wants people to watch the show. EXCUSE ME? The peeps have sent in numerous requests and Vickie didn’t reach the top 100. Who’s on the list? Bret Hart, The Mountie, The Brooklyn Brawler, Jared the Subway Guy, and Lester, the guy who loves chicken. Christian doesn’t know who Lester is, but the guy loves chicken and the people need to know these things. Who’s #1? Christian won’t answer, but he does reveal that he’s never seen eye to eye with his guest tonight. Vickie sighs.

Match 3: Tag Team Action

Curt Hawkins & Vance Archer vs. Brent Roberts & Jeremy Barner

I’m not familiar with Roberts or Barner, but I doubt that will matter. Hawkins slaps…ah hell, I’ll just say it’s Roberts, nobody will know the difference. Big body slam to Roberts, tag to Archer, drop toe hold into a big boot by Archer. Archer just wings the poor guy out of a fall away slam position…excuse me! Barner ends up in the ring and doesn’t do much better. Archer hits a cracker jack. Tag to Hawkins, Archer reverse DDTs the kid, and Hawkins hits the elbow drop for the three count.

Winners: Curt Hawkins & Vance Archer (1:15 SQUASH)

SLAP THE PORPOISE~! These guys are still no Dark City Fight Club, but there may be some potential here. Archer tells the crowd to pay attention, and Hawkins says they have 22 days left to make an Impact. So that’s where they’re going.

Big Show is back with another informative Did You Know segment. He lists some of Swagger’s accomplishments, but did you know that two weeks ago he choke slammed Swagger through an announce table? That was impressive, and one of his many accomplishments. Cheesy smile!

Jack Swagger…….IS WALKING!

Match 4: Non-Title Match

World Heavyweight Champion Jack Swagger vs. Kofi Kingston

I wish Swagger would bring back the pushups and the pyro. Swagger says that the Big Show disrespected him and all of his accomplishments, the great state of Oklahoma, and his daddy! Yes, he said that. Most importantly he disrespected the World heavyweight championship itself. So this Sunday, he’s going to disrespect Big Show. When the dust settles the ring announcer will say that the winner is Jack Swagger.

Swagger powers Kofi in the corner, Kofi fights back with kicks and dropkicks Swagger out of the ring. Swagger tries to get back in, but Kofi dropkicks him down to the floor. Grisham claims that the captain of Ghana’s soccer team called Kofi and told him to keep his chin up about the stuff that happened last week with him and the Intercontinental title. Somehow I doubt it, but I love ridiculous stories like that. Swagger gets back in and they exchange punches, Kofi clotheslines Swagger and knocks him back out of the ring! Kofi does his BOOM BOOM BOOM thing as we head to commercial…

We’re back and Swagger is stuck in Move #982: Arm-Bar. He knees out of it, whips Kofi off the ropes, Kofi holds on, Swagger charges and lands back outside! Kofi goes for a plancha, but Swagger catches him, puts him in a fireman’s carry position and chucks him forward, with Kofi landing head and shoulder first hitting the ring post! That will turn the tide of this one. Swagger rolls Kofi back in and forearms him in the corner. Swagger stomps a mud puddle in Kofi. He fights back, but Swagger maintains control and clotheslines him in the corner. Kofi rolls out of the way of the Vader Bomb, but springboards right into a boot from Swagger for two. Looks kinda low on the replay. Swagger with a reverse bear hug on Kofi, then some elbows to the side. Kofi fights back with some kicks, then punches Swagger in the corner. He lands the SOS for two! However, Kofi misses the Trouble in Paradise. Swagger goes for a back suplex, Kofi flips out and hit’s a Russian leg sweep! Swagger rebounds with a forearm to the back of the head, then a big boot! Big Show decides that now would be a good time to walk down because there’s one more thing he has to tell him. Swagger tosses Kofi out of the ring and listens…this is not good strategy. Because Kofi comes back in with a springboard cross-body and pins Swagger!

Winner: Kofi Kingston (8:21 aired ***)

Show tells Kofi he did good and presents his last fact. The Titantron informs Swagger “KOFI JUST BEAT YOU!” How did they have that graphic ready? I think the fix is in.

I liked this match more than anything else on the show so far. Not that anything else other than the SES promo was all that great, but it was still a good showing for Swagger & Kingston. I don’t think this will be the last we see from this pairing…

The Peep Show!

Christian comes out to present the show that’s by the peeps and for the peeps. He says it’s great to be back on Smackdown and wants to get things started by bringing out his guest, with whom he’s never seen eye to eye with…Hornswoggle! Well, the man has a point. Does Horny know that DX isn’t around anymore? He’s still wearing that ridiculous t-shirt. Christian tells him to give the ladies a strut. He knows what the Swoggle wants to do…the DX chop! And he does. Hornswoggle manages to get into the chair. Christian says they have some things in common, they’re both on Smackdown, they’re there to make a big impression and get themselves in trouble. Christian offers to teach Horny some Canadian. He learns “eh”, “hoser”, “hockey” & “beer”. Something tells me ‘Swoggle’s already familiar with beer.

EXCUSE HER! Vickie & Chavo Guerrero come out to ruin the fun. I’m sure Chavo’s pleased to see Hornswoggle again. Vickie says nobody wants to hear from Hornswoggle and claims that Canada is the most useless country in the world. Christian tells her that he was about to teach Horny the words “obesity” & “moose”. Chavo says that he can’t talk to Aunt Vickie like that. She says Chavo will help Christian leave the ring. Horny hides in the box. As it turns out, Chavo serves as a distraction for Dolph Ziggler, who attacks Christian from behind! Guess he was pissed about losing that Superstars match the night before. Zig Zag! Chavo heads up top and frog splashes Christian to the dismay of the Ottawaonians. Dolph flicks his hair sweat at Christian. He has a lot of that.

MVP & Rey Mysterio….ARE WALKING!

Match 5: Tag Team Contest

Rey Mysterio & MVP vs. CM Punk & Luke Gallows (w/Serena)

MVP & Gallows start…how long has MVP been doing the unzipped top part of his outfit thing? It’s kinda weird. Headlock by MVP, off the ropes, shoulder block by Gallows. Gallows punches away, but MVP hit’s a kigh knee off the ropes. Tag to Rey, MVP press slams him onto Gallows for two. Tag to MVP. Big boot by MVP gets two. The SES gets the advantage with an assist from Serena when MVP gets yanked off the second rope.

After a commercial, Punk works a submission hold on the knee. Tag to Gallows, who clubbers away in the corner. Boot choke! MVP fights out of the corner…he blocks the knee in the corner by Punk, but can’t get a tag. Gallows back in, big slam and a splash by Gallows gets two. Tag to Punk, he spin kicks MVP down. Tag to Gallows, who cinches in a reverse bear hug. MVP fights out, knee lifts Gallows and makes the tag to Rey! Seated senton! Springboard twisting cross-body! 2 count! Punk gets knocked off the apron, Rey twists into a bulldog on Gallows for two. Rey goes for the knee and sets up the 619, but Punk tags Gallows and clotheslines a charging Rey from off the top rope! A cover gets two. Rey rolls up Punk out of a G2S attempt, but Gallows breaks it up. MVP back in and he takes Gallows out with him. Rey sets Punk up for the 619, but the NULL