411’s WWE Smackdown Report 06.04.10

I’m not sure Kaval knows what to make of one-half of his WWE Pro team, the lovely Layla.

We open with Smackdown General Manager Theodore Long. He informs us that over the Memorial Day Weekend, the Undertaker was found by his brother Kane in a vegetative state. There is an ongoing investigation looking into who or what was responsible for this brutal, heinous attack.

LET IT ROLL! Todd Grisham & Matt Striker are your hosts of this week’s episode of Smackdown, taking place in Dallas, Texas! They’ve seen some wrestling there. Tonight, we see an Intercontinental Title match between Kofi Kingston & Drew McIntyre!

Opening Promo

Druids make their way to ringside with a casket and ominous chanting music. If Taker’s only vegetative, isn’t it a bit soon to put him in a casket? Who knows, he’s the Undertaker. Kane makes his entrance through hellfire & brimstone, and does not look to be in a good mood. Then again, when does he ever? He tells the druids to open the coffin. Nothing inside. Kane tells us that in all likelihood, the most feared, dreaded and respected force in the history of WWE, the Undertaker, his brother, will no longer walk amongst us. Gone are the endless nights where the Taker would strike fear into those in his presence. Gone is the face of darkness, his brilliance extinguished by an act of cowardice. Gone is the specter that was beloved and admired by millions of creatures around the world. Gone from the WWE is its most iconic figure. And gone forever are the bonds of brotherhood. His brother will rise from the dead no more. Gone is the Undertaker! But soon enough, those responsible for this atrocity will too be gone. They will be committed to the depths of hell, to a torturous existence that they can not fathom. He will personally prosecute and persecute anyone who had anything to do with this tragedy! There will be vengeance! There will be vengeance cold, cunning, cruel, vengeance never before seen, felt or imagined. There will be vengeance! Yeah, he’s not happy. He does the Undertaker pose and starts crying. He should have been there! He looks into the casket and cries as we go to commercial.

As ridiculous as this whole “vegetative state” business is, Kane’s promo was pretty damn good and made you want to see him fight…somebody. I really hope it isn’t him who ends up taking credit for this.

Match 1: Non-Title Match
World Champion Jack Swagger (w/Oklahoma Sooner jersey) vs. MVP

Fans are behind MVP here, to the surprise of nobody. Swagger with a double-leg and a waistlock, MVP up by Swagger takes him back down. Sounds like we do have some OU fans in the house, as a “Let’s Go Swagger” chant from a portion of the audience gets booed by the rest of the WWE Universe. Some trash talking leads to a slap from MVP, which sends Swagger outside. Swagger back in, MVP with a flying forearm for two. Headlock takeover by MVP. Into the corner, Swagger with a knee to the gut takes advantage. He whips MVP, who floats over in the corner and slaps Swagger from behind. Oh shit just got serial. They trade punches on the mat, MVP gets the advantage and then boots Swagger in the side of the head, sending Swagger outside as we head to commercial…

We’re back and MVP gets a 2 count on the World Champion. During the commercial, MVP hit a plancha. Now he hits an armbar, kind of a crossface chicken wing variation. Swagger punches out, but MVP punches back, Swagger with a boot to the knee, and then rams MVP’s shoulder into the ring post! One more time and now it’s MVP recovering on the floor. MVP gets back in after a 9 count by the official, and Swagger stomps away. He chokes MVP with his knee for a four count, and hits an armbar on his own, targeting the injured shoulder. MVP fights back, off the ropes, boot by Swagger. Cover gets 2. The Okies in the house chant “Let’s Go Swagger” to the disapproval of the Texans while Swagger continues to dominate MVP. Swagger back to an armbar as the fans chant “MVP”. Off the ropes, kick by MVP. Clotheslines by MVP, into the corner, Swagger catches MVP on the float over and power slams him for a two count! VADER BOMB! It gets a two count. Swagger continues working the arm, I can only assume that Arn Anderson produced this particular match. MVP back up, elbows to Swagger, knee in the corner! Swagger eats another elbow in the corner, MVP punches away, two clotheslines for Swagger, a knee to the face takes Swagger down…he sets up for the elbow but Swagger’s up, MVP arm drags him and now he elbow drops Swagger for two! Series of counters leads to a Perfectplex by MVP for two! Swagger with a chin buster and a belly to belly suplex gets two! Both men slow to get up, as this has been quite the knocker of slobber. Swagger sets up the Vader Bomb but eats canvas instead, MVP misses the boot in the corner, Swagger schoolboys MVP and gets a three count!

Winner: World Champion Jack Swagger (11:56 shown, ***½)

I’m probably friendlier with my stars than most reviewers, but that was a damn fine bout reminiscent of the olden days where the world champ would get taken to the limit by a crowd favorite but would manage to win in the end.

After the match, MVP gets attacked by Curt Hawkins & Vance Archer. Reverse DDT by Hawkins & a top rope elbow drop from Archer is their attempt to make an impact. They’ve got a week left on their contract, we’ll see if that was enough to impress the brass.

Backstage, Vickie Guerrero tells Theodore Long to get a hold of himself. Somebody has to take the Undertaker’s place…doesn’t he have any idea who? Vickie suggests Dolph Ziggler, but Theodore decides that every man on the Smackdown roster will compete in a battle royal tonight, and the winner will get the slot. I like his idea better than Vickie’s.

Backstage, CM Punk is accosted by Kane, who claims he has a stench of guilt. Punk denies that he attacked Undertaker, and offers help from himself and the Straight Edge Society. Kane will hear none of it and tosses Punk down.

Match 2: Intercontinental Title Match
Drew McIntyre vs. Intercontinental Champion Kofi Kingston

The challenger enters first, which should make the wrestling purists happy. Kofi with a go behind on Drew, who clubs Kofi down. Stomp to the head by Drew, Kofi fights back with kicks, Drew with a head butt, he sends Kofi into the turnbuckle and kicks him down. Drew tries to toss Kofi out of the ring, but Kofi does the old M-Dogg head off the ropes spot and dropkicks Drew. Kick to the leg by Kofi, off the ropes, Kofi with a monkey flip, he punches away from Drew in the corner, but Drew fights back. McIntyre belly to back suplexes Kingston for two. European uppercut by McIntyre…as Drew drops Kofi on the ropes and knocks him out of the ring, we notice that Matt Hardy seems to have purchased a ticket. Well, it’s good to know that somebody in his family’s saved some money over the years. He sits right next to a somewhat larger woman (This is too easy even for me) as we go to commercial…

Drew hits a gut buster for two as we return. He punches away on Kofi and then he gestures towards Matt. He chokes Kofi on the ring ropes and then hammers him on the ring apron twice. It’s all McIntyre right now, as he stomps Kingston, but then he gets knocked into the announce table! But Drew answers that by ramming Kofi into the steps, and then suplexes him on the floor. Back in the ring, Drew covers for two. Drew with crossface blows, and then a version of the surfboard. Kofi kicks his way out of it, punches away on Drew, but McIntyre answers with a knee to the gut for two. Drew clotheslines Kofi in the corner a couple of times, and puts Kofi down with a regular clothesline. Kofi kips up with a rana after Drew gets too busy posing, and knocks down Drew. Both are slow to get up, Kofi with double chops and then a dropkick to Drew, a crucifix gets a two count. Into the corner, Kofi kicks Drew, he goes up top and hits a big cross body block for two! Drew does a knee-assisted neck breaker for two, Kofi slides out of a suplex, clobbers Drew from behind, and hits the BOOM BOOM BOOM. He goes for Trouble in Paradise, but Drew gets outside, and also manages to avoid an attempted plancha by Kofi while decking Matt Hardy! Good for him. Drew sends Kofi back in, but gets distracted by Matt, leading to an SOS from Kofi for the victory!

Winner: Intercontinental Champion Kofi Kingston (9:55 shown, **½)

Decent enough match here…it seemed like it was missing a little something to push it over the top, but a good effort from two guys WWE hopes to see big things from the future.

Matt Hardy runs in and gives Drew a Twist of Fate! Well that just wasn’t nice. Matt Striker claims that Hardy committed assault, and I’m inclined to agree.

Backstage, Kane meets up with Rey Mysterio. Rey offers words of support & condolence, but Kane thinks Rey’s here to cover his tracks. Rey claims he had nothing to do with it, Kane will not blindly assume anyone’s innocence. Rey backs off.

Battle Royal later tonight!

Jack Swagger stands backstage with a big smile on his face and the World title on his shoulder. It appears some people doubt his accolades and the University of Oklahoma. In this state, and in this city, the University of Oklahoma invented Swagger. Not only was he a two-time All-American American wrestler, but he started all four years for the Oklahoma Sooners, and all four years they beat the Texas Longhorns. He asks everybody to stand up as he sings the Oklahoma fight song. Apparently it’s Boomer Sooner over and over again, followed by O-K-U, but he is interrupted by Kane, who wonders if Swagger had something to do with his brother. Unfortunately we don’t find out tonight.

Match 3: Diva Action
Rosa Mendes vs. Kelly Kelly

Both Divas are looking good tonight, but I have a feeling this contest could be bowling shoe ugly. Tieup, Rosa with a knee, float over in the corner by Kelly, flips and then a neck breaker gets two. Here comes Team Laycool, who are also looking good tonight! Rosa stomps Kelly and gets a two count. Splash in the corner by Rosa, then some choking. Kelly hits the mat face-first. Vertical suplex by Rosa gets two. Rosa with the old seated head scissors for a little while, but Kelly fights back with a Thesz Press and some clotheslines. Kelly with a cross body off the middle rope gets two. Kick by Rosa, a neck breaker reversed and Kelly hits the K2 (I could have sworn that was something else, but apparently now it‘s a Rocker Dropper) for the three count.

Winner: Kelly Kelly (1:55 *)

Could have been worse.

Team LayCool look stupefied while Kelly seems happy with how she spent her Friday night.

Back in the locker room, Big Show plays cards with Hornswoggle until they’re interrupted by Kane. Big Show tries to apologize, but Kane says that Undertaker’s always had his number and there’s never been anything he could do about it. Big Show tells Kane that messing with him would be a Giant mistake, and Kane kicks the card table. I didn’t see or hear Hornswoggle offering an explanation for his actions or whereabouts, so I’d still consider him a suspect. ASK HIM, KANE!

Match 4: Smackdown Battle Royal where the winner gets a spot in the World Championship Match at Fatal 4-Way
Featuring Rey Mysterio, Dolph Ziggler, Finlay, MVP, JTG, The Dudebusters, Chavo Guerrero, Chris Masters, Curt Hawkins, Vance Archer, Luke Gallows, Christian, Drew McIntyre, Intercontinental Champion Kofi Kingston & Kane

If you’re scoring at home (or even if you’re alone), Rey & Dolph get your entrances before the commercial and Drew, Kofi & Kane enter after the commerical. It’s a scrum when we start, as you’d expect. Lots of fisticuffs and people going after the hurt McIntyre while staying away from angry Kane. Finlay almost gets Kofi out, but nothing doing. Christian almost knocked out, but he squirms back in the ring. Rey heads outside to attack CM Punk and try to remove his mask! Punk’s not even in this match, and Gallows comes out to fight with Rey on the outside. Punk & Serena head for higher ground and nobody’s been eliminated as we head to commercial…

We’re back and everybody’s still there. Kane’s down in the corner and everybody’s ganging up on him…Gallows pulls people off of Kane, which makes no sense to me. Gallows tosses out Caylen Croft, Kane tosses Chris Masters, Trent Berretta & JTG bite the dust and now Gallows & Kane go at it. Kane punches away on Gallows while Archer & Finlay fight next to them. Kofi Kingston & Drew McIntyre take each other out, ensuring their feud is still active. Rey barely hangs on after Gallows & Archer try to throw him out. Ziggler with a sleeper on Finlay, Christian takes advantage and tosses Ziggler, but Ziggler distracts Christian and Finlay eliminates Captain Charisma!

Back from a commercial and we have eight people left. Rey tries a 619 on Chavo, who ducks, a series of reversals and Rey head scissors Chavo out! Finlay tries to dump Rey, but Rey ends up blocking it and Finlay drops him. Gallows is almost eliminated by MVP but stays in. MVP goes after Archer, who takes him down. Finlay wants some too, and he dumps Archer & MVP, but Kane knocks him out and we’re down to four. Well, three after Rey takes out Curt Hawkins. It’s Rey, Luke & Kane in the ring now…Kane boots Rey in the head and Kane & Gallows go at it…the Masked Man kicks Kane and Luke takes advantage of the distraction and almost eliminates Kane…but Kane comes back and eliminates Gallows. It’s down to Rey & Kane. Rey kicks Kane in the knee, but Kane clotheslines him out of his boots. Rey slips out of a slam attempt, but Kane dumps Rey on the top rope and tries to toss him out, Rey avoids it and sentons Kane…but eats a big boot from Kane a few seconds later. Rey boots Kane in the corner, and counters a slam attempt by the Big Red Machine. 619 by Mysterio, but Kane catches him on the cross body attempt…Kane tries a choke slam, but Rey turns it into a head scissors and vaults Kane out of the ring!

Winner: Rey Mysterio (12:43 shown)

I don’t rate battle royals, but it was a pretty decent piece of business.