411’s WWE Raw Report 01.16.12

Hi, hello and welcome to 411’s Raw Report! I’m Steve Cook, and it’s time for another week of the longest-running episodic TV show in history! We’ve got the dirt here as always, and I’ll be taking you guys through the show for one week only. Let’s get it started!

We pay tribute to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Long live the dream.

Nickelback plays the Raw theme, and we’re on the air in WWE HD! We’re in Anaheim, California and Michael Cole & Jerry “The King” Lawler are at ringside. Justin Roberts introduces the Hardcore Legend, Mick Foley! Tonight we get Punk/Bryan vs. Henry/Ziggler & Zack Ryder defending the US Title against Jack Swagger..maybe?

Opening Promo

Mick Foley is here tonight for two simple reasons. He would never bypass an opportunity to spend the day at Disneyland, right here in Anaheim, California! A few months ago he was content to appear in a non-physical, nostalgic role. He was happy to appear as Santa Claus on an episode on Smackdown, and was even happy to host This is Your Life, John Cena. He’s had the opportunity to live out every single one of his dreams in WWE, including headlining WrestleMania, which he did right here in this very building. He’s got one more dream, as he’s got two more kids that were too young to see their dad in this ring. It would mean a lot to him if his kids got to see their dad in this ring one more time! He announces his intention to be one of the 30 contestants in the 2012 Royal Rumble Match!

EXCUSE ME bellows Vickie Guerrero. She tells Mick to welcome the next WWE Champion, Dolph Ziggler. They head down to the ring and Dolph takes the mike. He wants to get this straight…there are 30 precious spots in the Rumble, and Foley just wants to show up and take one? He wants to shove aside some superstar that’s worked all year long so he can make a fool of himself one more time? Foley responds in the affirmative. Dolph went to one of Mick’s comedy shows, and if this is a skit, it’s funny. But if it’s not…it’ll go like this…He imitates Mick’s kids disappointed their dad got thrown out and ate their lunch. Mick loves that you can’t predict the Rumble…who’s to say that he won’t draw a number in his favor, and the magic will be in the air at the Royal Rumble! He’s not in it just to participate, he’s more ambitious. He’s not just in it to be in it. He’s in the Royal Rumble to win it! Dolph thinks that’s great, that’s what everybody wishes for. He worked all year long to prove himself. Last week John Cena awkwardly ran away from him. He beat CM Punk two weeks in a row. He can’t believe that Mick’s out there, and he can’t believe that when he beats Punk at the Rumble…what a letdown it would be if he was forced to defend the title against and out of shape has been glorified stuntman walking punch line that Foley is! Foley came here to make one more point…to make a fool out of himself one more time. And for once in his career, he’s succeeded. Dolph tells Mick that it’s over, and to go home. Buy a new shirt, eat a salad and just go away!

Cult of Personality plays and out comes CM Punk! Punk is pleased to see Mick in Anaheim, California! Dolph says they get their clothes from the same homeless person on the street. Punk points out that he & Mick are both unconventional, they don’t fit into the mold of a WWE Superstar, and they don’t hide behind a woman. They like to do their talking themselves. Vickie is a poor excuse for a woman. Everything they’ve ever achieved they’ve earned, unlike the guy with a pink shirt that has a guest referee in their back pocket, who spray tans, and highlights his hair. Even with that ref, at the end of the match Punk will still be the WWE Champion because he’s the best wrestler in the world! He thinks it would be damn cool if he got to face Foley at WrestleMania. Vickie calls it Anorexia vs. Grossly Obese…

Big Johnny comes out to make an announcement! He is the executive vice president of talent relations and the interim general manager of Raw. He assures us he will be completely unbiased. He tells Mick he’ll take his request under consideration. He’s trying to do what’s right in this situation…and his answer is no!

Vickie laughs at Mick and gets all up in his grill.

Air Boom is walking backstage without their tag team championships, which they lost to Epico & Primo! The rematch will be next!

Match 1: WWE Tag Team Title Match:
Champions Epico & Primo (w/Rosa Mendes) vs. Air Boom (Evan Bourne & Kofi Kingston)

We get clips from last night, where Epico & Primo won the straps with a Backstabber to Evan. Epico punches away on Evan to start, a nice back and forth, Borune with a twisting hurricanrana, Tag to Primo, Evan tries to cross-body them but they counter with a double fall away slam! Primo kicks away on Evan, tag to Epico, Evan ranas Epico off the top into Primo! Tag to Kofi, springboard splash, forearms, big flying clothesline! BOOM DROP to Epico! Primo gets tossed out. Trouble in Paradise to Epico! Evan goes up top for the Air Bourne, but Primo knocks Kofi into the ring post, Evan off the top rope, and Evan eats a backstabber for the three count!

Winners: Epico & Primo (about two minutes)

Big Johnny meets up with David Otunga, who hands him a memo and tells him that he has somebody waiting outside the door. Johnny addresses this person and tells them that they have a 6-man tag team match in the main event tonight…Dolph Ziggler, Mark Henry & David Otunga vs. CM Punk, Daniel Bryan and them…the camera pans right and we find out it’s Chris Jericho! Jericho is all smiles…

Sin City Smackdown, this Friday on SyFy!

Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler talk about the memo that Otunga handed Johnny, which is a doctor’s note regarding Zack Ryder. Josh Mathews asks Zack (w/rib tape) if he’s been cleared. He says he hasn’t, and Eve Torres says that there’s no way he should have to go out there tonight. Zack & Eve are going out there, and Zack says he won’t forfeit his title…

In case you missed last week’s installment of the Cena/Kane/Ryder/Torres drama, we get clips of it now.

Match 2: US Title Match
Jack Swagger (w/Vickie Guerrero) vs. Zack Ryder (w/Eve Torres)

Swagger has this title match due to being screwed in last week’s match he had with CM Punk. A fair ruling from Big Johnny! And in case you’re wondering why Twitter > Facebook, I was able to post this on Twitter on seconds and FB’s still loading. Pfft. Jack’s all over Zack at the start of the match, he whips him hard into the corner and pounds him down into the mat. Backbreaker by Jack, followed by a Vader Bomb! Cover gets two. He hit’s the Doctor Bomb, and Zack kicks out! Isn’t that Swagger’s finisher? Oh, there’s another one! And Ryder kicks out again! I feel like I’m watching Final Battle, but Swagger’s just getting mad now. He paintbrushes the man, and delivers a third Doctor Bomb! And this time it’s over!

Winner and NEW United States Champion: Jack Swagger (about three minutes)

The All-American American holds the top title in all the land! ON YOUR KNEES!

WrestleMania commercial!

Moments Ago, Jack Swagger delivered multiple Doctor Bombs to Zack Ryder and won the US Title!

Backstage, Big Johnny apologizes to Zack Ryder, as he didn’t read Zack’s doctor’s note until after the match. Eve yells at him and Johnny tells her to show some respect.

Our special guest ring announcer for the next match was the bane of my existence for a brief period of time in 2010, Perez Hilton. God, I hated his website. So glad I don’t have to visit that dung heap anymore. The fans are as happy to see him as I am.

Match 3: Divas Tag Team Match
Alicia Fox & Kelly Kelly vs. The Bella Twins

Oh man, the Bellas look great in those black cat suit type things. Kelly starts out on the receiving end of a Bella beat down, getting driven and kicked down into the corner. Kelly gets a two count with a faceplant. Twin Magic is foiled by Hilton, and Kelly rolls Bella up for the three count.

Winners: Alicia Fox & Kelly Kelly (about a minute)

Well that was a glorious waste of time, but at least it didn’t last long. The Bellas smack Hilton down, then Kelly & Alicia chase them off. I’m sure Cole loves that site.

Cole & Lawler talk about the tragic accident that happened on Smackdown when AJ got run over by Big Show during Show’s match with Daniel Bryan. Cole has heard that it wasn’t an accident, but Lawler is pretty well convinced that it was.

The Royal Rumble is in two weeks, and I’ll be there with Penguin, Critchell and company! We get clips of the historic 1992 Rumble, which is still my favorite of all time. YES YES YES YES YES YES! I TOLD YOU MONSOON! I TOLD YOU MONSOON!

The Truth has set R-Truth free! He enters the ring with a microphone and is about to speak, but is interrupted by Wade Barrett! Wade questions R-Truth’s name and introduces himself. He has a name you’ll hear announced very soon as the winner of the 2012 Royal Rumble match. There will be 30 competitors and let’s thank God that one of them isn’t that old git Mick Foley. Wade is a competitor, and so is R-Truth. Little Jimmy wants R-Truth to ask Wade if anybody told him that he talked funny. Is it ok if he calls him Wade? Don’t what him, Wade! They’re across the street from Disneyland. He misses Wade’s smile and offers to show him a slideshow! We see pictures of R-Truth with Mickey & Minnie Mouse, and Donald Duck. Wade asks what this has to do with anything, and R-Truth shows a picture of him with Pinocchio. Pinocchio told R-Truth that Wade would win the Rumble, and his nose grew! R-Truth’s not sure that’s PG. R-Truth believes a mouse can talk, and elephants can fly, but he doesn’t believe for one second that Wade will win the Royal Rumble. The Miz attacks R-Truth from behind! Miz & Sheamus double team Truth until Sheamus comes down to even the odds! Truth & Sheamus clear the ring, and Teddy Long comes out to make an over the top rope challenge with these four men. Hell, I thought for sure he’d make it a tag team match.

Match 4: Over The Top Rope Challenge
R-Truth, Sheamus, Wade Barrett & The Miz

Barrett & Sheamus go at it on one side while Miz & Truth fight on the other. Wade ends up flying out after Miz joins up with the other two guys. Sheamus & R-Truth go back and forth, Truth takes Sheamus down with the Lie Detector! Miz tries to throw R-Truth out, but he lands on the apron. Miz runs into a clothesline from Sheamus! Sheamus delivers multiple shots to Miz, then clotheslines him down. Sheamus beats his chest and readies himself, but misses the Borgue Kick! Sheamus is up on the rope…he gets oR-Truth dumps Sheamus & Miz & wins!

Winner: R-Truth (about four minutes)

Sheamus Brogue kicks Miz on the outside! Play his music!

John Cena yells at Big Johnny backstage for screwing Zack Ryder out of the US Title. Johnny tells him that people make mistakes, puts Cena & Kane in a match at the Royal Rumble, and he books Cena against Jack Swagger tonight!

Match 5: Non-Title Match
US Champion Jack Swagger vs. John Cena

Cena is all over Swagger before the bell even rings! Clothesline by Cena, he tosses Swagger over the top rope and rams him into the apron! He slams Swagger head-first into the announce table, then punches away on the All-American American. Swagger’s on dream street as Cena continues to pound away. I’m not sure a bell ever rang here. Swagger gets whipped into the steps! He slams Swagger face-first into the steps repeatedly, and is about to smash Swagger with the steps when the pyro hits!

Kane is backstage, and is impressed with Cena. By the time they meet at the Royal Rumble event, he will have erased the hate! Pyro! Cole says that Cena has been driven to a place he’s never been before…

Funkasaurus Time!

The Funkasaurus Brodus Clay gets a personalized introduction from who I assume are his dancers judging from their voices. SOMEBODY CALL MY MOMMA!

Match 6: Singles Action
The Funkasaurus Brodus Clay vs. JTG

I don’t expect this to go well for JTG. Clay is jiggling! JTG with a punch, and a single leg take down that Clay shakes off. Headbutt! SHOULD I GET HIM? SHEWAA suplex by Clay! MY BAD! Corner splash, and the Fall of Humanity! It’s over!

Winner: The Funkasaurus Brodus Clay (about a minute)

Brodus seems less blown up after the dancing this week. He’ll get used to it.

Coming up next, an update on the status of AJ!

Cole & Lawler are at ringside discussing the events of last week’s Smackdown, and we get clips of Daniel Bryan vs. Big Show. YOU ARE A BASTARD!

Daniel Bryan hits the stage with microphone in hand. The fans don’t seem pleased. Most of us think of Big Show as loveable, gentle giant. Big Show is a cruel, inhospitable freak, who at 500 pounds had no problem running over his 95 pound girlfriend AJ. AJ has been traumatized and will never be the same. Big Show could have stopped, but he intentionally ran her over to get to him and to get to the World title. Did he even say he was sorry? No. He just stood there crying like a blithering idiot. They were crocodile tears, 1000% fake. If Big Show shows his face on Smackdown again, Bryan will make him pay. This week on SD, Bryan has a title match with Mark Henry. Right now he will tell us that he dedicates that match to his girlfriend AJ! Last week, she told him that she loves him, and he appreciates that! This week he will show her exactly how much.

Match 7: 6-Man Main Event
World Champion Daniel Bryan, Chris Jericho & WWE Champion CM Punk vs. Mark Henry, David Otunga & Dolph Ziggler (w/Vickie Guerrero)

Jericho continued to circle the ring and slap hands through the commercial break. I hear Mr. Belding was there, but I did not see him. Apparently the heels entered the ring during commercial. Punk & Ziggler start us off. Go-behind by Punk, down to the mat, front facelock. Chop by Punk, vertical suplex gets a two count. Arm wringer and a tag to Bryan, who kicks Ziggler in the gut. Headlock, elbow block by Bryan, Ziggler takes the advantage, KneeDT! Tag to Otunga, who works over the leg of Bryan. Otunga makes a wish with the legs of his NXT 1 adversary. Ziggler tags in, neck snap gets two. Ziggler with the half crab. Bryan eventually gets to the rope. Ziggler misses a splash in the corner and tags in Punk. Punk & Otunga face off now, Punk with a headlock takeover. Headbutt in the gut, off the ropes, kick by Otunga, tag to Ziggler who punches Punk down and stomps away on the Punker. Neckbreaker by Ziggler! Crossface by Ziggler, Punk fights out and lands a backbreaker! Jericho wants a tag, but Ziggler won’t let him tag in. Otunga stomps away on Punk, places him up top and goes for a superplex…nope, Punk wants none of that and knocks him off the middle rope. Punk up top…flying elbow! TAG TO JERICHO! Jericho’s all fired up! He riles the fans up! And then he tags Bryan in and exits the ring! Jericho smiles and is all excited as he walks up the ramp and exits the arena!

Ziggler has Bryan in some sort of hold as we return, while we see a reply of Bryan taking a bad fall in the corner during commercial. Big kick by Bryan and both men are down! Punk gets the tag and cleans house on Ziggler. Big knee in the corner and a bulldog by Punk! Springboard clothesline by Punk gets two. Henry breaks it up. Henry has Bryan in the World’s Strongest Slam position and Bryan gets put on the apron. Henry tosses Bryan up the ramp! They continue fighting out of the building, and Mick Foley makes his way down to the ring! He tells the referee that he’s in the match! Well, the referee goes along with it, and Foley stands in Punk’s corner. Punk misses the somersault kick and Ziggler hits the Rocker Dropper for two! Neckbreaker again by Ziggler. Another one leads to a two count. Punk with a big kick, and he tags in Foley! He unloads on Otunga, pounding him down in the corner! BANG BANG! Running smash in the corner! Kick, double-arm DDT! He reaches in his pants…IT’S MISTER SOCKO! Down the gullet of Otunga! Otunga submits!

Winners: WWE Champion CM Punk & Mick Foley (about fourteen minutes)

Hold on a second, says Big Johnny! He never gave Foley permission to be in the match! He’s not a legal participant, so the decision must be reversed!

Winners: Mark Henry, David Otunga & Dolph Ziggler

Punk asks Johnny if he finds him to be disrespectful. He tells Johnny what he’ll do about it. Absolutely nothing. Foley has nothing to do with it. Punk tells Johnny to take his balls out of his purse. The people have no idea who Johnny is. When he was a competitor in sports entertainment, he had the look, but he sucked! It must have been difficult, his brother being a Road Warrior and him being road kill. He was uncharismatic and boring. It kills him that he never made it to WWE as a competitor. He went from being somebody that sucked to somebody that sucked up. He can’t stand the fact that Punk achieved more in a year than he did in a career. Better men have tried to screw Punk, and they’ve failed. He will try out of pure jealousy for the man he is, and the fact that he’s the WWE Champion. No matter what happens, Punk will still be better than him, and he’ll have them talking about Johnny. He’s not going to do any wrestling moves on him, people will be talking about how Johnny looks like he went through a meat grinder because Punk kicked his pathetic ass! Punk rears back for a punch and Johnny cowers! Punk calls him pathetic and leaves the ring!

Mick gives Johnny the thumbs up…Johnny takes the microphone and re-introduces himself. He will soon be the permanent general manger of Raw! He is not pathetic, and he will not be imtimidtated. Mick tells Johnny to have the decency to admit that he’ll screw Punk at the Rumble. Foley calls Johnny a kissass. The fans tell Johnny that he sucks. Johnny asks Foley who the hell he thinks he is, and who he thinks he’s talking to. Johnny admits that he will screw Punk. He does his job well, and he’s tired of being pushed around and bullied. Every week he puts on the most entertaining show for the WWE Universe, and they crap on him. He won’t take it anymore! He cheap-shots Foley with the microphone! Johnny walks up the ramp and leaves as we fade to black.

So long and good night, everybody!