411’s Impact Wrestling Report 3.8.12

Championship Roll Call:
TNA WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP: Bobby Roode
TNA X-DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIP: Austin Aries
TNA TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: Samoa Joe and Magnus
TNA KNOCKOUTS CHAMPIONSHIP: Gail Kim
TNA KNOCKOUTS TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP: Gail Kim and Madison Rayne
TNA TELEVISION CHAMPIONSHIP: Robbie E

I’ve decided against snowflakes.

New Ratings System for tonight:
* I didn’t like it.
* Meh.
* I liked it.
* I really liked it.
* That was bad ass.
* HOLY SHIT!
* Best. Match. Ever.

Opening Sequence
The Bischoff Family Saga…followed up by Garett’s arrival at the arena, where the disembodied voice questions his actions thanks to the target on his back. Garett’s fine with it, and says that target has gotten bigger.

Opening Promo with Eric Bischoff, Gunner & Ric Flair
Eric loves Flair’s music. Eric also says that he is forced to handle business in public. Umm…why? Anyway. Eric talked to Sting, and arranged for a match later: Gunner & a partner vs. Garett & a partner. Eric thanks Ric for trying to protect Garett last week. Eric says that no one wants to team with Garett, and it doesn’t matter who wants to team with Gunner, because plenty of people want to kick Garett’s ass. Enter: Kurt Angle.

Eric pretends to be shocked. Kurt is happy to volunteer, because he hates Garett. Garett doesn’t respect his dad. Kurt listened to his dad and became an Olympic Gold Medalist. Kurt says that everyone hates anyone with the last name Bischoff. “No disrespect, Eric!” He says they’ll make Garett tap…tap…tap.

Flair: Wooooooooooooo!

Sting backstage (in a bathroom)
Sting is slowly painting up, telling Bobby Roode he has 10 days. He talks to himself, telling himself he’s snapped. And may be ha has. Enter: Eric Young.

Eric wants to give ODB the world—the biggest surprise and what she deserves. He wants Sting’s blessing. Sting says ODB wants gold—a shot at the gold. Eric suggests partners for ODB—including Moose! Sting says Eric Young is the partner, and he’s a warrior.

Sting goes back to talking at the mirror—to Bobby Roode.

[Commercial Break.]

Knockouts Tag Team Championship
Eric Young & ODB vs. Gail Kim & Madison Rayne (champions)
No. Please no. Young ties up with Earl Hebner to start as we get an immediate Twitter plug. ODB tags in, and Taz thinks the champs are in trouble. Bronco Buster by ODB, and Eric sets up in the opposite corner hoping for one. Fall Away Slam by ODB, and she rolls to the corner. ODB charges in and gets pulled into the corner. Gail slams ODB into the corner as the crowd gets behind Ol’ Dirty. ODB up top and she pummels Madison’s head. Thesz Press gets two. Gail interferes and Madison takes over. And immediately starts screaming. Eric Young tries to get involved, allowing Gail to attack ODB on the outside. Madison with the cover, and gets two.

The heels cut off the ring, and Gail tags in. Quick tag back out. Double team avalanches in the corner, and a face buster by Madison gets two. Madison charges for the clothesline and ODB gets a spear for two. Eric tags in, and goes after Earl Hebner. Eric gets both heels up, and takes them both for an airplane spin! Everyone is dizzy, even ODB! Eric goes for the pin, but Madison breaks it up. Gail & Madison clothesline Eric, and ODB clotheslines the champs down! On the outside, Madison sends ODB shoulder first into the steps. Eric strips in the ring, and Madison nails Eric in the back with the belt, sending him down on top of Gail…for three.
Winners and NEW TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions: Eric Young & ODB, 5:49, Meh

Post match, Eric offers a hand to ODB, gets down on one knee and sorta proposes. She says…

[Commercial Break.]

Back in the ring, and Eric is still talking to ODB. I presume she didn’t answer. He says they have momentum, belts and a studio apartment. Then he proposes for real. ODB contemplates, starts to leave, then gets on one knee of her own! She is the manly one! ODB proposes back to Eric, and he says YES! He does his best Daniel Bryan.

YES! YES! YES!

Eric takes a victory lap and they make out in the ring.

Some guy that I should recognize but don’t tires to get credentialed, and does.

Bully Ray talks shit to James Storm, saying he’ll prevent Storm from making it to Nashville, and Sting will do the right thing.

Austin Aries checks his e-mail from Sting, who made a title match for tonight—Austin Aries vs. Zema Ion tonight. Aries says it’s another bad business decision—because Aries is one of the few reasons people have to buy the PPV will be Taking His Talents to South Beach.

Still to come, Kurt Angle & Gunner vs. Garett & ???.

[Commercial Break.]

X-Division Championship
Zema Ion vs. Austin Aries (champion)
Tremendous (canned) heat for Ion. Aries gets equal (canned) heat, and what sounds like a (canned) “You Suck” chant. Taz & Mike Tenay talk about Aries being in the main event last week, and how he fit right in. Agreed. Both men talk some trash and trade headlocks. Aries gets the better of Ion, and takes a victory lap. That’s lap #2 of the show!

Aries back in, and an elbow ends a combination for two. Aries sends Ion across the ring, he floats over, crosses the ring and spring boards into a pinning combination. We’re back outside, and Ion drives Aries’s back into the ring apron. Zema up to, but Aries slides in and cuts him off. Aries up and sends Ion from the top to the floor. Aries flies…and connects with the guard rail. Ion rolls him in and gets two.

Ion climbs up top…450 misses! Aries goes to work with forearms, but Ion reverses a whip and rakes the eyes! YES! Now we get a “kick his ass” chant that sounds real. They trade reversals, and Aries backs Ion into a corner. Reversal countered and the referee avoids disaster. Ion misses the hairspray spray, and Aries steals the can, spraying Ion in retaliation. The ref sees that one, and we’re done.
Winner: Zema Ion via disqualification, 3:50, I liked it.

So the mystery guy is backstage, and it’s Abyss’s brother. He talks to Velvet Sky and asks about Abyss’s whereabouts. Velvet who didn’t think Abyss had a brother. Something tells me he doesn’t…

[Commercial Break.]

Bully Ray In-Ring Promo
We abruptly return from break with Bully Ray in the ring, talking about his calves. He took out James Storm. He kicked chair into his head. He scrambled his redneck brains. He requests that “Mr. General Manager” Sting come out and name him #1 Contender. Seriously, this was taped and you can’t edit THAT out? Enter: Sting.

Sting mocks Ray’s accent (“I’ll do ya a favah!”) as he makes his way to the ring. Sting informs Bully that he feels alive, and tells Bully that he can’t just make a match because he supposedly injured someone. Bully Ray wants Bobby Roode, but Sting can’t hear him. Sting makes him repeat it, and then talks about the calves, giving Bully Ray what he wants—Bobby Roode. Sting calls himself a General Manager, too. Sting then tells Bully Ray that his match with Bobby Roode is…right after the break!

Taz & Tenay aren’t sure if the title is on the line as we head to break.

[Commercial Break.]

Backstage, Roode is upset at Sting for the title match. Sting informs him that it’s a match—not a title match. So he is a General Manager.

Non-Title Match
Bully Ray vs. World Heavyweight Champion Bobby Roode
Bobby asks Bully why he wants to do this. Bully ain’t having any of it, says let’s go. Bobby tries to shake and call it off, but Bully is ready to fight. Third match of the night, second between two heels. Another “Kick His Ass” chant, as the crowd is behind Bully Ray. Bully tells the champ to fight him like a man, and they lock up. Ray backs Roode into the corner, and we get a clean break. Barely. Jockeying and Roode ends up with a headlock. This match was unscheduled according to Tenay. How come we never hear what was supposed to be on? Bully Ray eats a slap to the face that seems to wake him up.

Roode continues to stay on the offensive, chopping away at Ray in the corner. Bully oversells, but I appreciate it. Corner-to-corner for Ray by Roode, backdrop by Ray, followed up by a backbreaker for two. Roode, like a good heel champion, rolls outside. He snaps Ray’s neck on the rope, and heads back in. Roode chokes Ray on the rope, and tells the fans to shut up. Bully Ray fights back, and is starting to get some support. It doesn’t last long, as Roode takes over and scores a nearfall. Roode continues to unload on Ray, but he comes back with a huge chop. Ray takes over with clotheslines, and charges the corner. Bad move as Roode gets his foot up. Ray keeps it going though, and hits a modified urinage for two.

Bully Ray is getting all the face heat now, but misses a boot and eats a spear for two. Yup, a Canadian hit a spear. Shocker. Roode brings Ray’s chain. Ray gets control and has the chain, and James Storm is here! Ray runs off and Roode eats a superkick! Storm has the belt, lays it over Roode and we play Storm’s music!
Winner: Uhhhh, I dunno, 6:58 (ish, no bell), I really liked it (outside of the non-finish)

Backstage, Garett Bischoff is very confident, but isn’t going to reveal his partner.

[Commercial Break.]

Backstage, Joseph Parks talks to Matt Morgan & Crimson, looking for Abyss. They didn’t know Abyss had a brother, and they also know nothing about his disappearance.

Is this going to lead to him snapping because no one really cares that he’s gone?

Crimson talks about their upcoming match with The Rob & Rob Express, which is apparently for a title shot. I hope they lose.

#1 Contender Match for the World Tag Team Championships
Television Champion Robbie E & Robbie T (w/matching pink sweaters) vs. Matt Morgan & Crimson
I don’t see The Rob & Rob Express winning here, but I really hope they do! Robbie & Crimson to start. E that is. They play around until Crimson connects with an Exploder Suplex for two. T in with Crimson, and he gets the better of the exchange. They trade chops and Crimson gets the advantage. Robbie E nails Crimson with the clipboard, giving the Robs the advantage. E tags in, and flies with a top rope knee. Gets one. E goes after the knee, then holds Crimson in the corner and tags in T. World’s Strongest Slam by T gets two. T now steals from Sheamus with the clubbing forearms to Crimson’s chest. Crimson connects with a spine buster while Rob wasn’t paying attention. Hot tag to Morgan, and E is in as well. Morgan demolishes him with shots and knees, then sends T into E. He clotheslines both men, and connects with the Carbon Footprint. Crimson tagged himself in, and steals the pin.
Winners: Matt Morgan & Crimson, 4:06, I liked it.

Morgan & Crimson argue about the stolen pin on the way to the back.

Backstage, AJ Styles has figured out how to handle Kazarian and Christopher Daniels, and they’re apparently not going to like it. Will we like it AJ?

[Commercial Break.]

Backstage, Gunner talks about how great Kurt Angle is. Kurt Angle says he doesn’t like Garett, because he doesn’t listen.

Video Package
Video package hypes the Styles-Kazarian-Daniels issue. We question is Daniels really has anything over Kazarian. Yeah, he knows that Kazarian knows what happened to Abyss.

Story Time with AJ Styles
AJ is out to do what he does best worst, and that’s wrestle talk. AJ brings up the upcoming 10th Anniversary (now they’re stealing ideas from ROH!) and how proud he is of the company. AJ talks about rivalries and partnerships, and memories he wishes he could forget. Daniels (thankfully) interrupts, clarifying his position in this whole issue. He says he was best friends and allies with AJ, coming back to stand by AJ’s side. His friendship got AJ fortune and fame, and got Daniels fired. That’s why Daniels put himself first, and encouraged Frankie Kazarian to do the same.

AJ says Daniels getting fired is a good memory. Kazarian says they turned their backs on AJ because he’s like Sting: transparent, gullible, and too trusting. He says the problem isn’t with AJ’s friends, it’s with AJ. He’s just a disease that needs to be cured. He continues to run AJ down, and AJ calls them lying backstabbing pricks. AJ says he isn’t going to associate with friends anymore. He, instead, is going to associate with an…a…um…ASSSSSSSSSSSSHOLE!

Mr. Anderson returns, aligned with AJ Styles, and they take it to Daniels & Kazarian. They clear the ring and celebrate. Kazarian goes back for more, but Daniels holds him back.

Isn’t AJ just setting himself up again?

Backstage, Garett Bischoff checks on his partner, saying he’ll see him out there.

[Commercial Break.]

Main Event
Gunner & Kurt Angle vs. Garett Bischoff & ???
Everyone gets separate entrances, including…Jeff Hardy.

Main Event
Gunner & Kurt Angle vs. Garett Bischoff & Jeff Hardy
Taz calls it a risk for Jeff Hardy to team with Garett. Isn’t that exactly what Hardy’s character would do? Tenay talks about the New Orleans Saints, and I groan. Really? Jeremy BOrash gives the super special ring announcing, and Baby Hebner is the referee. Angle looks near death bald and clean shaven. The heels attack to start, and Hebner holds Garett back. Angle starts off with Hardy, and repeatedly kicks him in the ribs. Angle with a nice modified camel clutch under the rope, too! Garett tries to come back in, but is held back. Quick suplex by Angle, and he locks in a front facelock. Clothesline by Hardy takes Angle down as Garett reaches for the tag. Gunner crosses the ring and takes Garett out, and Angle drags Hardy to the heel corner.

Tag to Gunner, who gets two on Hardy. Hardy slides out of a slam attempt and goes to work on Gunner. Gunner drags him to the corner as we head to a break at 3:15 into the match.

[Commercial Break.]

And we’re back at 7:02. Hardy is still your face in peril as Angle has a rear chinlock locked in. I guess Randy Orton stole that form him, too. Suplex by Angle on Hardy as Taz talks about everyone giving up on Hardy. Gunner tags in and takes over on Hardy, getting two. Angle is back now, and Hardy tries to fight up to his feet. Angle won’t have it. Hardy to the outside and Garett Bischoff tries to get involved. Rookie. That allows Gunner to send Hardy hard into the guard rails.

Back inside, Angle goes for the Ankle Lock, and Hardy gets to the ropes. Gunner back in, and he suplexes Hardy over—getting two. Angle tagged in now, and Hardy rolls him up for two. Gunner tagged in, but Angle wants to choke his Victory Road (remember that show) first. Gunner with a chin lock now, laying and putting all of his weight on Hardy. Hardy fights out—Whisper in the Wind! Hardy could tag, but Garett is on the floor being baited by Angle. Angle back in, and eats a twisting kick from Hardy. Hardy makes the hot tag to Garett, who takes it to Gunner & Angle. Taz puts over Garett’s offense, which is insulting to the rest of the roster. Front Face Slam gets two, and Garett clotheslines both Angle & Gunner down after Hardy tags himself in. With Angle down, Hardy lands a Swanton Bomb. 1…2…3!
Winners: Jeff Hardy & Garett Bischoff, 14:24, I liked it.

Taz & Tenay actually put over that it was Garett’s double clothesline that lead to the win. Okay.

DeMarco’s Knee Jerk Reaction
Impact Wrestling took a definite step back this week. The show was all over the place, with very little build to Victory Road. Even when things did build to Victory Road, Taz & Tenay were too busy to promote the show. I look forward to (hope for?) the rebound next week.