Tremendous Tirades 5.27.13: WWE Monday Night Raw

Oh Hey, John Cena’s Back: I was not a fan of this right from the get go. Keep in mind this is not a rant against Cena the person, but the booking of the character. This dude comes out to the ramp, all smiles, and then proceeds to RUN to the ring, fresh as a fucking daisy. Apparently the week off was a nice vacation in the Bahamas, because he looked spectacular. Not at all like a man that was taken to the limit and then ran through a wall and laid out like he was dead at Extreme Rules after coming off of an Achilles injury. He then discusses the brutality of the match, but blew right by that and discussed the controversial ending of the match. Instead of showing rage at a man that was once his friend that tried to kill him and them challenged him to an ambulance match. Seems to me he still wants to kill him. But the Cena character is all smiles, took time to address the “we want Bret” chants, and came off like a giddy goof. He then DID FUCKING COMEDY when discussing the Ryback making the ambulance match. And then jumped into announcing a “three stages of hell” match; the three stages are a lumberjack match, a tables match and finally an ambulance match of it has to go to a third fall. Ryback came out; people chanted Goldberg and didn’t care judging by the general silence. Ryback tried to say he took Cena to hell, named himself Satan, and left. Would it kill the Cena character just to come out, be pissed off and look for revenge? Maybe a little something like this…

That’s an angry man out for revenge. Anyway, this did absolutely nothing for me due to the joking manner, they did get to the point, but we had to use comedy to get there, and in a match where one guy is looking for revenge, that doesn’t make any sense. If Cena would have come out, selling the injuries and pissed off like never before and demanding the match, that would have worked. They made the main event for Payback official, which is good, but this segment was not good.

Rating (1-10): 2.0

Alberto Del Rio vs. Big E. Langston w/AJ: This is their third match in a week, can’t tell you how excited that makes me. I get that it’s the “rubber match,” but you only hype those when they either mean something important or draw money. They had a good match, and Langston has looked good in his limited in ring time on the main roster. Del Rio got the victory after the heels plan of undoing the turnbuckle pad failed. That led to AJ yelling at Langston, which goes into theories that Langston could turn face soon and could also be Kaitlyn’s secret admirer. It makes sense because AJ messed up, but laid all the blame on Langston. I hate the repetition, but the segment was fine.

Rating (1-10): 6.0

US Title Match: Dean Ambrose © vs. Kofi Kingston: And yet another repeat match. Trust me, I get that it makes sense, but we saw it at Extreme Rules and then got some of it on Smackdown. It makes the show feel like I can miss it, because I’ll just see it again on Wednesday, or Friday, or next Monday. This was a good outing for both guys, Ambrose used a trip into the steps to set up Kofi for the victory, which again was a clean win for Ambrose. Rollins and Reigns joined him for a celebration as they held all the titles high. Again, I hate the repetition, but the segment was and led into the tag title match.

Rating (1-10): 6.75

Tag Team Title Match: Rollins and Reigns © vs. Team Hell No: So, the Shield vs. Team Hell No is the WWE Feud of the year, and it isn’t even close. Good promos, consistently great matches on TV and PPV in traditional and six-man tag matches, and they alas have my attention when they are out there. This was another very good, 20 + minute TV match from these guys, and as far as I am concerned, keep throwing them on TV if we’re going to get quality like this. I also loved team Hell No doing the Hart Attack early in the match, which fit into the Bret Appreciation night as well as the pep talk from Bret earlier. This was just another damn fine TV segment between these teams, Shield won clean again, and we’re apparently moving closer to the Team Hell No split. The Shield continues to be the bets booked thing on WWE TV, and they also constantly deliver in the ring. I cannot ask for more than that.

Rating (1-10): 9.25

Non-Title Match: Wade Barrett © vs. Fandango: The WWE Universe voted for the Miz to be the special guest referee of this match. Nothing of a match as it was all to set up a three way for the IC Title. Barrett shoved Miz, and then ate the skull-crushing finale. He kicked Fandango in the face for good measure, and counted the pin when Summer Rae fell onto Fandango. I won’t lie and say that the possible match excites me, and the execution wasn’t even all that good. Lets just move on.

Rating (1-10): 4.0

Tons of Funk vs. 3MB: Naomi, Cameron, Natalya and Hornswoggle are at ringside. This match is taking place because 3MB tossed Natalya’s birthday cake into Hornswoggle’s face. Yup. WWE App everyone. It was short, it was all right, and the faces won to get the ultimate revenge for the cake incident. Since it was Natalya’s birthday, they had Khali sing “Happy Birthday” to Natalya. Yup. WWE Creative thinks this is entertaining because he’s foreign and talks funny. I guess the bright side is that they didn’t completely humiliate her on her birthday, but this just screamed, “filler, go get a refill.”

Rating (1-10): 3.0

The Highlight Reel Welcomes Paul Heyman: I enjoyed the opening of this segment, when Heyman discussed giving Jericho his big break, only for Jericho to note that Heyman still owes him money. Heyman playing it off and saying that he waved his appearance fee also was good. Sometimes it’s the little things. Heyman thought he was on the show to discuss Curtis Axel or Brock Lesnar, but instead, Jericho wanted to discuss CM Punk. Heyman was trying to downplay, and then Jericho went into annoying comedy mode and took away from the tone that they have established. Heyman promised an announcement, which led to Jericho discovering Punk was watching the show. Jericho was insulted that Punk could sit at home on his ass, and then they went into comedy shit as Jericho teased saying that he was the best in the world. I know that people like silly Jericho, but I tend to expect more out of a Heyman interview segment. This was all for Jericho to challenge Punk to a PPV match at Payback. I’m sorry, I just want builds that make sense and have a serious tone to them. Heyman tried to rally the segment and accepted for Punk, as did Jericho, but they got way to playful. The good news is that it appears that we’re getting Punk vs. Jericho, but I was not happy that we had to be silly to get there.

Rating (1-10): 5.0

Natalya and Kaitlyn vs. The Bellas Twins: It has to be Natalya’s birthday if they’re letting her wrestle on Raw. Sure they have to shoot matches and such for that Divas show, but it’s nice to see her get booked in a match. They got about four minutes, which is twice a long as most divas matches. Natalya got the hot tag, looked to have things won, but the Bellas fought back. Kaitlyn then accidentally speared Natalya, allowing the Bellas to score the win. The Bellas, being the evil bitches that they are, sang Happy Birthday loser to Natalya. The wrestling was rough, and at the end of the day, it was a segment. Not sure what it does for the division overall as the only story they are telling is AJ vs. Kaitlyn, and I doubt that they work Natalya into a title feud at this point. Also, if you thought Natalya was actually winning on her birthday, in Calgary, you’re insane.

Rating (1-10): 4.0

Randy Orton and Sheamus vs. Team Rhodes Scholars: Randy Orton and Sheamus are still friendly, and are also still pissed about losing to the Shield at WrestleMania. So they went out and had a good match with Team Rhodes Scholars, and they had a fine match. It felt as if it went long to kill time, but it was solid stuff and never felt too slow, just not necessarily important. Team Rhodes Scholars are in a holding pattern and have been for some time, but they work hard and people react to them still, so as long as the matches they are in aren’t shit, I have no problem. They also gave them a lot of close finishes, to make sure this wasn’t a complete squash or anything like that. I would pair Orton and Sheamus again for Payback, where they would challenge the Shield for the tag titles. I assume that is why they brought up the loss, in order to sell the “payback” theme. Also, having two established main event guys and former world champions challenging for the titles would be a nice move. Considering that they set up Orton vs. Ambrose for SD, I think my guess is right.

Rating (1-10): 7.25

John Cena vs. Curtis Axel w/Paul Heyman: So I am going to bring up once again the fact that Cena is working like he is coming of vacation, and not an Achilles injury and brutal last man standing match. Seriously, is it too much to ask for him to act injured? Guess so because WWE doesn’t want him to look vulnerable. I actually liked a lot of the match, I know a lot of people on Twitter were “bored” by it, but it was a good outing from Axel. He got a lot in, and then got the countout when Cena was distracted by the ambulance arriving. Axel wins, but more importantly they didn’t have him lose. BUT HERE IS THE PROBLEM. First of all, they had Cena kill the perfect-plex already. That shit was a move that meant something when Hennig used it, at least give it some run before killing the move. Secondly, when Cena “lost,” he did that bullshit smiling and clapping because he didn’t care stuff again. I absolutely the that. Cena and Ryback brawled by the ambulance, back and forth and Cena was able to send Ryback packing when he couldn’t get an advantage. It was fine, but while it did push their PPV match, Axel was a complete afterthought by the time they announced he won. It may have done something for the PPV build, but I feel we’re two weeks in and we haven’t done much of anything for Axel, despite what people will tell you.

Rating (1-10): 5.0