411’s WWE Main Event Report 5.29.13

So… who binged on season four of Arrested Development yet? I know every review says this, but don’t give up before three episodes! It sets up jokes and begins to deliver the punchlines every minute afterwards. It’s my least favorite season sure, but this is groundbreaking television that you should check out if you’re familiar with the series. But yeah…

SHOW… ON!

WWE Championship Roll Call:
WWE Champion: John Cena
World Champion: Dolph Ziggler
IC Champion: Wade Barrett
US Champion: Dean Ambrose
Unified Diva’s Champion: Kaitlyn
WWE World Tag Team Champions: Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns

WWE MAIN EVENT 5.29.13

– We have a new Main Event announce team that includes The Miz, Josh Mathews, and Ricardo Rodriguez. Interesting.

Sheamus vs. Wade Barrett The two men lock up to start. Sheamus comes out on top and sends Barrett to the mat and follows with a knee drop. Barrett makes his way to his feet and tries to mount a bit of offense but can’t get it done. He rolls to the outside for a breather. Barrett rolls back in and eats a snap suplex almost immediately. Sheamus pins him for two. Sheamus charges at Barrett in the corner but gets a boot to the face. Barrett sends Sheamus to the outside with a clothesline as we head to break around the three minute mark.

-Commercial Break-

During the break, Barrett sent Sheamus into the stairs that’s left him with the advantage since. Sheamus’ left arm is hurt and Barrett is putting in work on it, including a hard Irish whip into the corner. Barrett puts him in an arm wringer but Sheamus makes his way out before taking a hip toss right on his injured arm. Sheamus finds himself on the apron and Barrett kicks him down to the mat. Barrett drops an elbow from the apron and covers Sheamus for two upon rolling him back in the ring. Sheamus tries to fight back with a few rights before getting whipped back into the corner left arm first. Barrett goes upstairs for an elbow drop but there’s nobody home. Sheamus attempts an axe handle but gets hit with a big boot from Barrett! Sheamus still manages to get a roll up for two! We’re heading to break with Barrett still in control.

-Commercial Break-

We’re back as Sheamus fights back with a few rights and a DDT. Ricardo is kind of hard to understand on commentary at times. He speaks English as fast as he speaks Spanish and it blends together at times. Sheamus goes for a powerslam and Barrett escapes. Sheamus locks in the cloverleaf but Barrett makes it to the ropes. Sheamus tries to lock it in again but Barrett catches him with a roll up. TWO. Barrett delivers a series of mule kicks and covers Sheamus for another two count. Barrett goes for Wasteland but Sheamus escapes and hits the Irish Curse. Both men are down. Sheamus makes it to his feet by three and sets up for the Brogue. Ricardo is slowing his speech down now. Sheamus misses the Brogue and Wade hits the Black Hole Slam for TWOOOO! The crowd is chanting “this is awesome”. Sheamus fights back and hits an Irish Curse back breaker for TWO! Sheamus goes upstairs but Barrett crotches him on the top turnbuckle. He hits Wasteland and Sheamus kicks out. Why? Barrett signals for the Bull Hammer and Sheamus dodges it. He tosses Barrett to the apron and delivers the CLUBBERING. Sheamus attempts White Noise but Barrett escapes. Barrett goes for the Bull Hammer but gets caught with a Brogue Kick. It’s over. These guys put on a great match as they always do, I just can’t wrap my head around jobbing your Intercontinental Champion every week though. If they wanted Sheamus to get a win in a good match, there were plenty of other options for opponents that don’t have gold around their waist.

OFFICIAL RESULT: Sheamus 17:54 via pinfall
RATING: ***1/4

– We get a Raw Rebound of John Cena announcing that the title match will be Three Stages of Hell. Lumberjack match? Lame as shit. Tables match? That’s an easy win for Ryback. Ambulance match? Well that was already booked and makes sense. This is probably going to tarnish the legacy of said gimmick however.

– They shoot to Curtis Axel defeating John Cena via count out This video package would have you believe that Axel is a world beater. Better than nothing, right?

-Commercial Break-

– We get a Wyatt family video package. This gimmick is too good to be true. I’m so afraid of it being watered down on national TV. My three year old is in the room and says “I don’t like these guys. I like John Cena.”

– They air a recap of Chris Jericho’s Highlight Reel with Paul Heyman, in which he challenges CM Punk for a match at Payback. Paul Heyman accepts on behalf of CM Punk. I can’t wait to see Chicago’s reaction to Punk this year. (My daughter marked out for CM Punk like crazy and hates Jericho. Punk and Cena are the two wrestlers she acknowledges and pops for. It’s just a minor note. She’s usually asleep by now but I figured I’d throw her thoughts in just for shits and giggles.)

-Commercial Break-

Justin Gabriel vs. Antonio Cesaro They go back and forth to start. Gabriel gives Antonio a rana to the outside. Cesaro chokes him on the top rope from the apron and gives Gabriel a suplex into the ring. Cesaro hits a huge uppercut followed by a dead lift suplex for two. Cesaro locks in a headlock. Gabriel eventually reverses with a modified jaw breaker. He hits a splash off the top rope from the apron for TWOOO. Gabriel gets a roll up for TWOOOOOOO. Gabriel goes upstairs for the 450 and Cesaro crotches him. Cesaro locks in another headlock. Gabriel make it to his knees and takes a Neutralizer. OVER. This is a hard match to have an opinion on. Gabriel got in a bunch of offense and Cesaro found the opening to win with the Neutralizer. It was nothing special but it’s nice to see Cesaro picking up a win.

OFFICIAL RESULT: Antonio Cesaro @ 4:05 via pin
RATING: *1/2

Tons of Funk and R-Truth vs. 3MB There’s no need for another match. Just give Cesaro/Gabriel another seven minutes. I don’t understand this. Slater takes a double clothesline from Tons but kicks out at two. Tensai punches Drew off of the apron with a punch in the face. He tags in Jinder, and Tensai gets killed with a bunch of knee strikes. In comes Truth! He delivers a few kicks and gets a two count on Jinder. Double body splash from Tons of Funk and R-Truth hits his kick for the win. I don’t understand why this was on the card. It was pointless and essentially got nobody over.

OFFICIAL RESULT: Tons of Funk and R-Truth @ 2:24 via pinfall
RATING: N/R

OVERALL: Check out Sheamus vs. Barrett! The rest isn’t worth your while.