VIOLENT PANDA Wrestling Review: WWE Presents MSG Classics 07.26.06

I don’t know what percentage of homes get the MSG network – which is a channel about a building…. pretty ludicrous on paper. But I figure this “WWE Classics” show might just be a heck of a lot of fun. It is footage from the WWE/WWF’s many many wrestling events, including portions of Raw episodes from the past. Vince always tries to pull out the stops for MSG shows, as he considers it the penultimate wrestling venue and the “home” of the WWE.

The MSG network will be airing two one-hour episodes back-to-back every week.. except for times like last week, where local soccer took pre-eminence.

WWE Presents: Madison Square Garden Classics (A WWE 24/7 Production)

Haha.. yes! That’s the actual title. In case you’re wondering, the WWE made this. The MSG network just put it on the air, is all.

We open to see our host, Mean Gene Okerlund, behind a desk in front of a gaudy set. Behind him is images of WWF wrestlers past. Who’s that right behind Gene in clear view? Why, HHH of course! Off to the right is that Rock guy, I dunno if you remember him.

Gene sets the scene. It was 1985 – New Coke came out and people vomited in rage. Only the debut of The Macho Man Randy Savage could quell the raging within their bosoms!

Randy “Macho Man” Savage vs. “Quick Draw” Rick McGraw:

– Our announcers are Gorilla Monsoon and Gene Okerlund. Their casual tone is much easier on the ears compared to the current trend of announcers SHILLING REALLY LOUDLY.

– The ref has one of those old-timey curly mustaches, heh heh. He should be riding a unicycle.

– We are told Macho Man is the hottest free agent in wrestling, and all the managers are vying for him. Savage does a lot of prancing around before the start, saying unintelligible things in his hoarse voice and showing off his shiny purple robe/cape.

– Savage grapples with McGraw for a moment, then doesn’t like it and bails to the outside. He grabs a chair and a fan tosses a full cup of soda at him. The crowd roars at this, and Savage acts enraged and makes like he’s going to climb into the crowd.

– Savage composes himself and poses on the turnbuckle, spitting at McGraw. Crowd is booing. Savage locks in an armbar for a minute or two. McGraw tries a cool escape where he ends up on Savage’s shoulders as if he’s going to hit a headscissors, but Randy holds him there and then plants his neck on the top rope.

– Macho elbows McGraw, who falls out of the ring. Savage climbs the top rope, and the crowd FREAKS OUT… but Savage just hits a double axehandle, and the crowd sits back down. It’s funny, Cena did this move at ONS 2006 in response to a “you can’t wrestle” chant and not surprisingly it didn’t win many people over then, either.

– Savage follows up with a vertical suplex on the floor! No mats, there, it’s just spine and concrete. Gorilla thinks the ref should DQ Randy. He poses on the turnbuckle, and fans boo and chuck a few pieces of garbage at him.

– McGraw suddenly gets in and rallies, and the crowd just eats it up. Savage gets whipped toward the turnbuckles and does the corner flip bump, then falls into a tree of woe set-up – awesome. McGraw unleashes some stomps, but his rally ends when Savage clotheslines him.

– Elbow drop.. 1, 2, 3.

Really slow.. but man, did the crowd love it when McGraw suddenly got the advantage.

Winner: Randy Savage

After the commercial break, we get a graphic showing us the champions at the time of this show. Interestingly, they are not “WWF” belts, they are “WWE” belts.

WWE Champion: Hulk Hogan
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Greg Valentine
WWE Tag Champions: Mike Rotundo & Barry Windham

Intercontinental Title Match – Ricky The Dragon Steamboat vs. Greg The Hammer Valentine©:

– Ricky goes into a karate pose in the ring.. Jimmy Hart is at ringside, and loudly complains about “kung fu karate! Kung fu karate, ref!”. Hammer goes for a shoot-style takedown, but Ricky rolls through and hits a chop to escape to big cheers.

– Ricky with some STIFF AS HELL knife edge chops, and Valentine bails out to re-group with Hart. Steamboat.. wow, he’s just roided to the gills. I don’t remember him being this big, but he’s freaking gigantic here.

– Steamboat hits some big sumo slaps (not nearly as nice as Mike Quackenbush’s) and then cinches in the dreaded Randy Orton lock. They follow this up with lots and lots of nothing. Circling each other. But Steamboat hits all these intense poses and does some quick kicking.. it seems like there’s not many wrestlers out there who can get over through body language any more. Though Low Ki/Senshi definitely has that Steamboat-type ring presence.

– Steamboat is super-fast, hitting some chops, then coming off the ropes with a big crossbody that gets a two count. Then he brings us back to RKO-land. Hammer goes for a figure four, but Ricky turns it into a pin and almost steals it. Hammer takes control with dull forearms and Ricky lies on the floor for awhile.

– Ricky then turns his head and the crowd roars. Through just a few gestures, the crowd is whipped into a frenzy. Ricky climbs into the ring, and these two proceed to trade stiff shots as the crowd roars. Ricky wins the exchange with a dramatic final chop, and covers.. only two. Crowd bit on it. Ricky goes up top – top rope crossbody. He covers.. Valentine gets a leg on the ropes. Crowd is super-hot.

– A “Steamboat” chant breaks out as Valentine hits some elbows. Ricky counters out of the figure four and hits a big back brain kick which sends The Hammer to the floor. After what seems like 6 seconds… the bell is rung. Ricky wins by countout.

Pretty good match, mostly due to the striking of Steamboat. Is it just me or was Valentine’s shtick pretty unoriginal? All he did was a figure four, a mediocre flair flop, and 2 million ok-looking clubbing forearms. Steamboat was really good. Seems like Vince ended up missing out on him a bit.

Winner: Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat

Next up is Hogan vs. Don Muraco in a steel cage. We see a backstage interview conducted by Gene, who is with Don and his manager Mr. Fuji. Fuji says that Hulk will be “trapped like a bear”. OK, then. Don Muraco rears back and cuts a freaking awesome promo, saying that this is just another day at the office, and he’ll be hailing a cab in an hour while Hogan leaves in his stretch limo. Muraco says he’s made legends and was reality before Cyndi Lauper and Mr. T. He’s wearing a “no smoking” shirt, which is funny because I guess back then that was a heel heat shirt. Now BIG TOBACCO IS KILLING OUR CHILDREN!

Hulk Hogan is in the locker room with Mean Gene. Hulk is wearing a Hulkamania headband that covers one eye, a torn to shreds white t-shirt and an Ultimate Warrior-esque red white and blue tassle. Mean Gene looks him up and down and opens with: “Hulk Hogan – what in the world? This has gotta be shades of Rambo First Blood Part 2” hahaha. Get this.. whenever Hulk says “WWF”, the post-production edits out the “F”. So he goes on and on about how all he cares about is the “WW –mute- Title”.

Now.. we can see the WWF logos in the background throughout this show. The announcers called it the “WWF” a million times in the last two matches. And then, does Vince think fans are really so freaking stupid that they will be confused if Hulk talks about the “WWF”? Because even he cannot re-write history to the degree where nobody remembers that it was called the “WWF”.

Hulk says he only cares about his WW_ Title. The movie contracts, the front page news, “that’s all a bunch of ga-ga, daddy!”, heh heh. Hulk says he’s been in Hollywood and training with Rambo: “He’s not an actor, brother, he’s a stark raving maniac”.

WW_ Title Steel Cage Match – “Magnificent” Don Muraco vs. Hulk Hogan©:

– Did Hulk have a different theme back then? “Eye of the tiger”, maybe? His “I am a real American” theme is over-dubbed along with a generous helping of extra crowd noise. Gorilla points out that whether you escape the cage over the top or.. through the door… you must “reach the floor” to win. The ref stays on the outside to control the door. Mean Gene points out there are no rules in this one… so basically, this is an ECW extreme rules match! Hogan is gonna take us into his house of hardcore, brother!

– Lots of stalling and limp striking… Hogan finally mashes Muraco’s face into the cage and he’s busted open, or as Mean Gene puts it: “hemorrhaging profusely”.

– Muraco catapults Hogan into the cage. The cage, by the way, is no more than 9 feet tall from what we can see here. Hulk does a hemorrhage job as well. Don climbs the turnbuckle to escape, but Hulk follows and bites Muraco’s bloody wound, then looks at the crowd as if to say “look what I did, I’m naughty!”, then does it again a few times.

– Hulk comes off the ropes and hits a big boot, which sends Muraco head over heels while getting his neck caught in the ropes. Hulk tries to use this opportunity to escape, but Don gets free and grabs Hulk’s leg before he can get out the door. Hulk stomps a few times.. and escapes the cage. Anti-climax.

I dunno.. cage matches kind of suck, don’t they? And this one was practically content-free. Usually I love a hot crowd, but the in-ring action was so sparse that it just came off as brutally dull.

Winner: Hulk Hogan

And that’s it for 1985. Time for the next show…

The year is 1997 and The Simpsons has become the longest-running animated show in history. Also, I distinctly remember teasing my friends Kris and Mike Lorefice for watching pro wrestling in this year. It would be another year before Lorefice would show me an All Japan Women tape and totally change my mind.

This is stuff from an episode of Raw.

Rocky Maivia vs. Ahmed Johnson:

– This is right when “The Rock” persona was starting to emerge. He is still in the Nation of Domination at this point. Hahaha.. that hamball Vince McMahon is commentating, this should be a riot. JR and King are at his side. Commish Sgt. Slaughter bans the NOD from ringside.

– A gigantic “Rocky Sucks” chant breaks out. This match is part of an intercontinental title tournament. This is the final match of the first round. Other matches were:

Brian Pillman over Foley
Owen Hart over Goldust
And whoever Farooq beat has the word “OUT” over their name. Shamrock, is it?

– Vince says it’s time to let the fisticuffs fly and calls Rock “Rocky Johnson” right out of the gate. Ahmed hits some terrible, super-fake looking punches in the corner. Another big “Rocky sucks” chant breaks out. The fans boo as Rocky hits a DDT. Funny.. fans turned on Rocky, he turns heel and becomes “The Rock”. But in this era, the fans turned on babyface Cena.. and he remains a babyface.

– Rock tosses Ahmed out of the ring, turns to the crowd and goes “who sucks now?” and hits a quick pose to boos, heh heh. Both guys collide and go down. Crowd starting to lose interest. Both get to their feet, and Ahmed hits the Pearl River Plunge – a powerbomb the WWE probably would not allow today, for the win.

OK match. Ahmed looked really, really sluggish. They said he was coming off an injury,so there you go.

Winner: Ahmed Johnson

Stone Cold’s music hits, and he’s in the crowd with a mic in hand. He’s almost buried amidst the fans’ waving arms. He says he’s gonna do stuff tonight, so STAY TUNED~!

Here’s your champions:

WWE Champion: Bret Hart
Intercontinental Champion: Shawn Michaels
Tag Champions: The Headbangers

Brian Pillman’s in the ring with Owen Hart and a comely lass of questionable virtue. Brian says his arm is broken, so he’ll have to forfeit his match with Owen tonight. Slaughter debunks this and makes them wrestle. It’s a semi-final of the IC tournament, I believe.

Owen Hart vs. Brian Pillman:

– They give each other sportsman-like clean breaks, then go into some purposefully soft hammerlocks and takeovers, heh heh.

– Things get heated when the woman hits Owen in the back of the head with her purse. Is that Terri Runnels? She looks so different… in a nose ring, leather and a collar.

– Both guys go down to simultaneous crossbodies and Goldust runs out and attacks Pillman. I see… apparently, Pillman is involved in Vince rape angle #340 where Pillman has her as his slave, and she is Goldust’s wife. Owen wins by DQ.

Nothing to this at all. Whatever action there was happened during the commercial break. That’s really, really sad. What a missed opportunity.

Winner: Owen Hart

Owen grabs the mic and talks about how much this win means to him, heh heh. He dedicates this victory to his brother, Bret. Stone Cold suddenly hits the ring and drops Owen. Police hit the ring, but Vince climbs in the ring and stops them. He has a mic. Austin apparently had a restraining order where he can’t come within 100 feet of Owen Hart?

Vince says Austin is not cleared to wrestle – nobody wants to see him end up in a wheelchair. Vince says people care and that Austin just has to work within the system.

Austin grabs the mic and says he appreciates the fact.. that you can kiss his ass, and hits a stunner on Vince. Vince gives it a weird sell, culminating in a campy “I’m being electrocuted” shiver on the mat. The fans freak out.. panning the crowd, you can see a bunch of fans holding their heads and going “Oh my God!”.

The police arrest Steve and take him out of the building. A big “Austin” chant breaks out.

Back in the studio, Gene says this was a watershed moment for the WWE.

Falls Count Anywhere – HHH vs. Mick Foley:

– HHH is in the ring. Dude Love appears on the Titantron with Mankind and talks about how there’s only one Foley persona who can handle a Falls Count Anywhere match with HHH – Cactus Jack. The crowd ROARS as Cactus comes from behind the curtain, with plunder. 70% of the arena breaks into an “ECW” chant!

– Cactus moves the mat from the floor and gives HHH a swinging neckbreaker kind of thing on the concrete. He gives a “bang bang”, which gets the best reaction I’ve ever seen that pose get.

– They fight into the back, then back into the ring. Another “ECW” chant… HHH gets whipped and does an awesome, high-speed flip bump over the turnbuckles to the floor. He is like a completely different man 9 years later.

– Foley goes for the cactus clothesline, but HHH moves and Foley lands on a garbage can. Foley eventually hits a weak sunset flip powerbomb off the apron.. I mean, really weak. Foley landed on his ass and then limply rolled HHH over for what looked to be no impact at all. Gets two.

– Chyna hits Foley with a chair. He sells for a moment, then lunges toward her and the crowd loves it. HHH hits Cactus from behind, and sends him and Chyna into the ringsteps. Looked great, until they show another camera angle which makes it look pretty fake.

– They fight up to the stage.. HHH gets a table. They both end up standing on it.. wow, it looks like it’s going to break under their weight.. but it holds, until Cactus hits his stump piledriver! Crowd freaks out! Cactus wins.

Wild stuff! Lots of neat hardcore spots. I love it when Mick wins.. it happens so rarely.

Winner: Mick Foley

Bret Hart vs. Goldust:

– These two punch and kick each other to crowd apathy, although JR creams himself on commentary. King entertains himself and pisses off JR by rambling on about what Pillman is probably doing to Goldust’s wife.

– Bret works over Goldust’s leg for an eternity. HBK comes out onto the ramp. The fans break into what sounds like a “faggot” chant. Directed at HBK or Goldust.. not sure.

– Hart works over the leg even more.. mind-numbing. Finally, after lots of fast-forwarding, Bret locks in the sharpshooter and Goldust taps right away. Crowd is barely interested. Hart doesn’t break the hold and still doesn’t get heat. HBK rushes the ring and attacks Hart. HHH and Chyna come to help.

Really, REALLY boring match. Just brutal.

Winner: Bret Hart

Then.. everybody runs in. I mean.. the Harts.. Bulldog…DX.. Rick Rude… And The Undertaker. Taker gives Hart and HBK a double chokeslam.

OVERALL: These shows were a lot of fun. The wrestling wasn’t great, though much of the wrestling from the ’97 Raw was much more cutting edge than the ’06 Raws we’re seeing. I think I can see why Vince changed his mind on Bret’s contract – the guy just couldn’t get heat here at all. This is a high THREE out of FIVE.

If you missed it, check out my Weekly review where I covered TNA, ECW and Raw. It was super!