VIOLENT PANDA Weekly Review 08.07.06

Umaga is the new Spirit Squad! Cue the “smarter smart marks” with their I’m so smart I like the guys that smarks think suck message board attitudes! Ah the anti-smark. Just another unfortunate phase in the evolution of the internet enthusiast.

WWE Raw

Will HHH job clean tonight in his match against Umaga? Of course not. Will it be remotely clean? That is the question.

We’re live in Memphis, Tennessee. We get a shot of Elvis’ home, Graceland. And inside the arena, Vince and Shane have dressed up like the Honky Tonk Man.. I mean, Elvis. Time for some “comedy”. They proceed to say stuff like “DX will be in the heartbreak hotel” and then warble a few lines of the song. Judging from the crowd’s lack of a reaction, this didn’t even work as cheap heat. I am working on a new theory that cheap heat often makes for bad TV. This would be a prime example, methinks, if this actually GOT any cheap heat.

We get a look at the fans. There’s a bunch of poor fellows in yellow shirts that spell out “H-U-L-K”. Sorry fellas, Hulk had a medic-alert.

JR tells us that Lawler will face Orton tonight, and admits that Hogan vs. Orton is now in question. Lillian hits the ring, and looks hotter than usual in a white sports bra-looking thing. She announces that the first match will be for the women’s championship, and the crowd response is a surprisingly loud cheer, I’m happy to point out.

Mickie vs. Trish?! Wow! Trish’s stomach muscle is dented. Ugh. Eat a cheeseburger you crazy broad. JR immediately starts talking about the new study on pro wrestling that came out. The study claims that kids who watch wrestling are more prone to fighting (gasp!). JR and King immediately start ragging on it, asking just what the hell “date fighting” is, anyway.

But, just as the match is about to get underway, Edge’s music hits. He and Lita hit the ring and they are “stopping the show”. Mickie quietly bails. Well they’re just totally dropping the ball on her, now, aren’t they? Trish stays in the ring.

Edge says he’s being overlooked. A “Cena” chant breaks out. Why couldn’t he interrupt the diva search instead of a match I wanted to see? Edge shows us the poster for Summerslam on the Titantron. Edge is not on this poster. He points out that DX are on it, holding up hot dogs. Edge makes fun of their “cutting edge” humor, hahahha. Man, that poster does look stupid. Cena’s on it, jumping into a kiddie pool, looking like an imbecile.

Edge then asks who is on the cover of the new issue of WWE magazine..? Trish. Are we setting up Lita/Edge vs. Cena/Trish for tonight? Or Carlito? Awesome either way. Lita ends up giving Trish a spear, looked good. Now EDGE wants to spear her.. BIG “Cena” chant. But Carlito hits the ring, and his first punches on Edge are actually met with boos for some reason. Carlito and Trish dispatch of the champ and his woman. Great segment.

I have heard rumblings that the WWE has been putting Cena on TV less so there’s less chance of him being booed. If true, that’s so dumb. Cena should be all over this show. Boos, cheers.. either way it’s awesome.

Ad for Snakes on a Plane. Samuel L. Jackson shoots a snake with a mutha-fuckin’ HARPOON GUN!

IC champ Nitro is ringside with Melina to watch:

#1 Contender’s Match – Shelton Benjamin vs. Kane:

– Why would they not give us a PPV version of Nitro vs. Shelton vs. Carlito before moving to this? That match could have stolen the show.

– Kane goes for his pre-match fire pose, but Shelton hits him with a sweet springboard bulldog. They got a great camera shot of that. Kane throws three punches, a clothesline and a sidewalk slam and Shelton’s selling like crazy.

– Shelton counters a Kane chokeslam attempt into a DDT, and does it much better than when Kane did it to Show a few weeks back. Then the finish…. Shelton leaps off the second rope, attempting a.. uh.. well, attempting to get caught in the chokeslam set-up. And chokeslammed he is. Kane wins.

Pretty fun, but the finish just didn’t do it for me. I mean, at least make it look like you’re attempting a move, there, Shelton. Even a double axehandle. It just comes off as so fake.

Winner: Kane

We see a Summerslam commercial. The WWE wres.. SUPERSTARS! Are at a barbeque. Kurt Angle is in front of a blue screen taking a pie to the face for some reason.

We see clips of a WWE tour of Europe.

Meanwhile in Memphis, a woman in the crowd has a sign that says: “Please see me, Cena”. And at ringside, bah gawd, there’s a “I’m Kip James, b*@ch” sign hahaha. I bet the WWE doesn’t even know who Kip James is.. and why should they?

Cena hits the ring and has a mic. He says that Edge wasn’t on the Summerslam poster because market research shows that Edge’s face scares children. And Lita, she has a 7-11 deal. “Slurpees for Herpes. You can’t stop it, you can only suppress it”. Heh heh, hooo boy. The 7-11 thing didn’t make sense, but the little tag line at the end was funny. This is exactly the kind of stuff that polarizes the fans. And then he sucks up to Memphis to make it even worse. He tries sooo hard. It’s all there, he just needs some better material, is all.

Our authority figure of the month, Coach, comes out to boos. JR calls him the “well-dressed buzzkill”. Coach says Edge vs. Cena will not happen tonight. Edge/Lita vs. Carlito/Trish will. But Cena will wrestle a big fat guy. Viscera. Crowd groans/sits quietly.

Commercial. Pink Floyd concert on the public broadcasting station. I’m not the only fan of theirs who doesn’t do drugs, am I?

John Cena vs. Viscera:

– Match is in progress.. Viscera with a SWEET spinning heel kick! Wow, looked great! During the commercial, he also hit a NASTY samoan drop. “Let’s go Cena” chant. Vis pauses to shout at Lillian.. awesome. That Lillian/Vis/Haas angle just phased out, didn’t it? Didn’t want to have two romance angles going at the same time, I guess.

– Vis hits a fallaway slam, and cinches in a camel clutch of crowd support. And there it is.. “Cena” chants. The fans on camera chanting this are little kids, and a bunch of borthers with title belts slung over their shoulders, heh heh.

– Vis with a swinging slam, wants the “Vis-agra” ass hump. God, no… Cena dodges the splash and suddenly hits his finisher. He hoists the gigantic Viscera on his shoulders and hits the F-U for the win.

– Right after, Lawler says that Cena giving Vis an F-U should “win over some of his detractors”. Man, they just don’t get it. His detractors don’t care how much John can lift. Only VINCE cares about that. John can win the detractors over by having a bunch of four star matches and not being such a pandering phony. But that’s just not going to happen.

Viscera was ON. I’ll say this: Viscera is MUCH BETTER than the Big Show. His execution was great, he kept things going at a fast pace, and didn’t have that “I’m bored” look on his mug like Show does during every one of his matches.

Winner: John Cena

On ECW tomorrow. Angle.. Sabu. Versus each other? I think that’s what they were trying to get at. That will be the ultimate style clash right there.

This Week in Wrestling History: 1980 – The Showdown at Shea. Andre vs… Hogan! The Wild Samoans vs. Backlund & Morales. No fans at ringside? How the hell could people see what was going on, sitting so far from the ring?

The McMahons have cops to protect them from HBK.

Carlito is with Trish. She is upset about what Edge and Lita did to her. She paces frenetically and delivers stilted dialogue. Does not bode well for this acting career she’s going to embark on, that’s for sure. She ends up kissing Carlito randomly. Carlito breaks his streak of ending 100 segments with “That’s cool”. Probably a good idea.

Shane decides to go look for HBK. He leaves the McMahon “office” and starts yelling for HBK. He bumps into the Highlanders. “I’m Robbie”. We could see two divas over Shane’s shoulder sitting on a couch. As Shane talks to the Highlanders, the divas get up and get on their marks. Shane comes back and talks to them. It’s Candice and Torrie, heh heh. They flirt with Shane. HBK then blindsides Shane, cops get involved, and Shawn is taken to jail for punching a cop. What would Jesus do?

Now.. I have a hard time buying Michaels being this angry over a screwjob finish. Why? They happen ALL THE TIME! EVERY WEEK! There’s far more screwjob finishes than clean ones! Almost no WWE matches end in a clean finish. How are we supposed to buy that HBK is angry enough to punch a policeman over this?

Lita & Edge vs. Trish Stratus & Carlito:

– Why wouldn’t Coach re-book Trish vs. Mickie? It was a title match. He could have booked this for next week, no? JR is quick to note that this is a mixed tag, not an intergender tag. Uhh.. huh? Are we supposed to know the difference? Fill us in there, buddy.

– Edge hits a real nice, high standing dropkick. Earlier, in her segment with Carlito, Trish was sure to mention the phrase “whoop that trick” twice, and it pays off as the fans begin chanting that unique southern catchphrase, heh heh. Front row fans had tried to chant it in the show opening, but it didn’t catch on. Maybe Trish decided to try to help it along.

– Howsabout this for Summerslam.. Women’s Title – Mickie vs. Trish vs. Lita? The vets are leaving, why not use them while they’re here? Trish goes for a handstand headscissor toss on Lita, but Edge blocks it by holding Lita by the pants. Lita hits an ugly, limp flying clothesline. Lita cinches in the Ortonlock. Or is it the heatlock? Fans chant “Edge is gay” hahahha. How random! They do this as Lita goes on a stomp odyssey. Trish and Carlito hit incredibly well-synchronized stereo dropkicks. Awesome.

– Commercial time. PBS has paused the Pink Floyd concert to hype up their other programming… Phish concerts? Dave Matthews? Grateful Dead? This is what happens when 60 year old hippies run a TV station. They’re so gone that the audio on their shows is messed up half the time and nobody even fixes it. Anyway, for a $90 donation, you get a Floyd DVD or something.

– We’re back. Edge really grinding in that commercialhold. You know, I thought that ad breaks would really ruin long matches when the WWE started doing them. But I don’t mind at all. You’d think purists would want to see every moment of every match. But it just isn’t like that, I guess. It’s not like they’re going to book anything big during the commercial, after all.

– Carlito hits his super-high backflip escape into a lungblower attempt. Edge grabs the ropes to prevent the move. So the “story” of this match seems to be that the heels are blocking all the big moves by grabbing the ropes and each other, I guess.

– Another Ortonlock. Trish ends up countering a Lita Twist of Fate (minus the OHHHHHHHH~!) attempt into a spinebuster. Lita ends up getting crotched, which totally horrifies Edge. Edge tries to spear Carlito, but Carlito dodges and Edge ends up spearing Trish. Now… I believe this match is operating under the idea that the men and women cannot wrestle each other., so wouldn’t this merit a DQ? Who knows.. Lita covers for the 1, 2, 3.

Fun match! Crowd was very into Trish vs. Lita. Trish’s sell of the spear was top notch, hurtling head over heels. Trish was much more “on” then Lita. Lita looked really.. mild. Soft.. she did not bring the smarmy heel persona she’s been carrying so well over the last year.

Winners: Edge & Lita

HBK’s going to jail or something. Commercial. Hey.. David Gilmour looks quite like The Sandman, doesn’t he? Who’s done more drugs?

Smackdown Rebound: Booker looks pathetic in that crown. I mean.. wow. Smackdown’s for the kiddies. Khali and Taker will be in a last man standing match. It’ll double as a Last Fan Awake match.

JR says that Orton vs. Hogan is in doubt. GRISH (1) is in the back with.. hey, where the hell is Maria?! Use her! …in the back with Randy Orton. Randy says Hogan is using this “torn meniscus” to get out of their Summerslam match. Seriously. Get Nick Hogan. Nick Hogan vs. Randy Orton, and just sportz entertain the shit out of it. No way in hell can Randy Orton carry someone to a PPV match, but the WWE can prop this up with shenanigans galore. Hogan run-in, a Brooke encounter, trash can lid shots… 8 minutes, lots of stalling. Piece of cake. Hell, bring in “Fake Nick” (Larry Sweeney) to help.

Flair comes to the ring. He’s got Mick’s second book “Foley is Good” in his hands. Uh oh. Book references haven’t been going over too well. Ric says he has spent 10 years trying to make Foley into a man. Ric attacks the book hahaha. Elbow drop! Knee! He chucks it into the crowd. Ric keeps one page – the page where Foley lists his favorite matches. #1 on the list – Terry Funk vs. Ric Flair. Ric says that Mick Foley is a Flair fan. Ric says that his match with Funk wasn’t a Mankind stuntfest. It wasn’t a Cactus Jack bloodbath… Ric never got to a point, there, and it took a lot of time. Mick Foley comes out to interrupt.

Crowd is not into this. Mick says that Ric vs. Mick would be the real Summerslam main event. He says that in WCW, Ric stepped on his wrestling dreams and now Mick can do it right back by refusing to work with him. Is that a bit of a “boring” chant? These guys are just not quite on the same page. And the issues aren’t clear. It’s just not clicking.

Foley ends up accepting the challenge. Flair vs. Foley.. “I Quit” rules. Crowd cheers a bit. Very disorganized. They try so hard out there, but their thoughts are jumbled and as a fan you’re not sure what exactly you’re supposed to do with it all. Ric has been trying and trying to get Mick to wrestle him, and how did he get Mick to accept? Bringing up Flair vs. Funk? I dunno.

Foley’s music hits.. too early? Mick makes them cut the music. He adds that this just may be the last match for one of them. Ric says one of them will bleed to death in Boston. So we’re looking at a Cactus Jack bloodbath after all, I guess.

What would have worked for me is if Mick had said he’ll do this match if he gets paid a ton. Play it up like he’s just doing it for the money. Who wouldn’t boo him then? Then in the match, Ric goes apeshit, and Mick has to bust out the big moves just to survive.

Randy Orton vs. Jerry Lawler:

– Lawler looks odd in that pure white singlet, there. This is brought to you by Snakes on a Plane: “Relax. Sit back. Enjoy the fright”! Lawler slaps Randy to a big reaction. He misses his fist drop, Randy slips in a low blow and hits the RKO after maybe two minutes of action.

Really, really short. Felt pretty pointless. But Vince wants to stick it to the fans, I guess, by jobbing the hometown guy like always. Mission accomplished, douchebag.

Winner: Randy Orton

Summerslam ad. They actually hype Cena vs. Edge!

A hype video for JEFF HARDY. Awww.. I wanted to see him in EC DUB at least once.

Diva Search. The ladies are in the ring. Man, The Miz is a grade A TWAT. He’s such a hipster nimrod. Clearly a heel. But supposedly the very femme WWE employee Brooklyn Brawler thinks Miz is “too cute to ever be a face”. These people are from another planet.

Miz asks the fans who will be eliminated. Fans don’t respond. Erica is eliminated. Polite ringside fans slap her hand and offer words of encouragement as she makes the walk of shame and probably signs a contract in the back.

Miz says there’s more. We’re going to play “Diss the Diva”. I guess the WWE is hoping for a Christy Hemme “cum-guzzling gutter slut” line here. Each woman has 20 seconds to trash talk. Crowd not into it.

Jen: She’s says she’s agile like a cat and she purrs like a kitten. Who wants to tame this kitten!? She asks that. Fans just kind of roar in response.

Layla: She goes off, saying she will “lay” people out, and has more ass then the other girls. The crowd actually boos her. I still say she’s the only one who gets it. You want the people who actually come alive in front of a live crowd, and she is the only one.

Milena: She says she knows jiu jitsu. Oh, come on. Show us a move, then! I think she meant she knows of jiu jitsu She says she can kick ass. Crowd turns on her a bit.

JT: JT just tanks. She starts out saying she doesn’t need to tell us anything, but it all just comes apart. To fill time, she shows her body, thinking that’s all that matters. Fans actually boo, to my delight.

I would like this diva search if they did different things with them. Like, say, have each of them throw a chop and see who throws the best one. Or have them each pick a finisher and try it out on a jobber, and see who does theirs the best and which is the coolest.

UMAGA JOE IS WALKING~!~! (RIP CRZ. Oh wait, he’s back). He’s flanked by the McMahons and AAE. They’re probably wondering which finisher is better, the Musclebuster or the THUMB TO THE NECK?

HHH vs. Umaga. It’s 10:57 EST. After entrances and post-match sniveling, there’s about two minutes allotted for actual wrestling. There are TONS… TONS! Of DX signs in the crowd.

Umaga vs. HHH:

– We start off with spirited striking. Umaga unleashes a spinning heel kick. Vis did one earlier so whatever impact it would have had is lost here. “HHH” chant.

– HHH is put in the tree of woe headbutt set-up. HHH tries to make it look realistic. Instead of just sitting up and waiting to be headbutted, he tries to make it look like he’s sitting up trying to escape. Doesn’t really look realistic, but it’s cool that he tried.

– CHARGING BUTTOCK! HHH dodges a diving headbutt. Umaga then comically oversells that weak knee HHH does. Umaga sells like he’s drunk from the knee, doing the cartoon-y “I’m going to tip over” stagger.

– HHH hits the spinebuster. Now, remember that HHH pinned a Spirit Squad guy with the spinebuster. The HHH spinebuster is capable of finishing off non main-eventers. So HHH covers Umaga. 1..2.. Umaga does not kick. Vince pulls the ref out of the ring to break up the count, realizing that Umaga was about to lose.

– So here come the McRun-ins. HHH avoids them. He sets up to pedigree Vince. Here comes Umaga. THUMB TO THE NECK~! 1, 2, 3. Umaga wins. NO crowd reaction. Umaga IS NOT, repeat, NOT getting over. Probably because he’s doing a Samoan Kamala gimmick in 2006. Just a guess.

Sportz entertain-y. I hate every wrestler involved in this, so I couldn’t tell you whether this was good or really, really stupid.

Winner: Umaga

Cena vs. Umaga. Good luck with that one.

After, Vince pedigrees HHH. Looked odd somehow. Vince was looking sideways when he hit it. Vince tries to pose like HHH, but stumbles on the ropes. Camera super-quickly cuts away. Vince probably tore some hammies. Sign: “Vince loves Weiners”.

OVERALL: This show got worse and worse as the night wore on. I enjoyed all the Edge/Trish stuff and Cena vs. Vis was a surprise. Foley/Flair was not so hot. So I guess I’ll go with a low TWOOO out of FIVE.

ECW Episode #8

Extreme Rules – Sandman & Tommy Dreamer vs. Test & Mike Knox w/ Kelly:

– Sandman’s entrance takes forever. Tommy looks very happy to hear the “ECW” chant for them. It’s annoying but understandable that certain chants have to be tuned way, wayyy down, to the point where almost all the viewer can hear is Tazz and Joey. The chants: “She’s got herpes” and “you suck dick”, in reverse order.

– Test gets a “you take steroids” chant, and then a “you can’t wrestle” one for good measure. That just makes the show for me. It is so good when you know you’re not the only one thinking this stuff. I should note that Kelly is just beautiful. I mean.. wow. You actually feel sorry for her standing out there. Kelly IS the ECW virgin.

– Sandman and Dreamer hit big moves on their opponents and go digging for PLUNDER~! Fans chant “we want tables”, so what the hell.. here come the barbed wire boards. So are these rubber-tipped barbed wire dealies now or what?

– Kelly ends up in the ring alone with Dreamer, whose face is covered in blood. Polite fans: “Show your tits”. Will we get the piledriver? No, we get a creepy spot where Dreamer bends her over, exposes her ass, and spanks her as she screams. His hand is bloody. There’s that seedy aspect of ECW that I wish would stay in 2001.

– Heyman and the RIOT BASHAMS hit the ring. They put Tommy through the barbed wire board. They leave. Test slides in and chucks him into the board. And there’s your pussy WWE-ized Test DVD for the win.

This was a really good chaos-style ECW tag. Unpredictable and fun. They really got the storylines over well too, with inter-cutting video clips.

Winner: Test & Knox

Heyman walks through the back with his police. Where’s NAILZ when you need him? Heyman passes by old ECW people, including Guido and Francine(!). They all give him the cold shoulder. Heyman runs into Sabu, and he tells Sabu he will never wrestle the Big Show.

We see a low rent, cheesy CM Punk promo. His debut is next!

CM Punk vs. Justin Credible:

– The Punker with the Great Muta’s pose? HHH: “SIMULATION OF A JAPANESE MATCH! De-push him!” Throughout the match there are “CM PUNK” chants, and there’s a million signs out there for him. One in particular is seen a few times: “I paid to see CM Punk”.

– Tazz and Styles seem to feel like they need to apologize for the fact that Punk looks “different”. i.e. he’s not on the roids. Only Vince has that concern, and unfortunately he’s probably on the other side of those headsets making them say that.

– Punk busts out a tarantula-type hold and the crowd eats it up. Punker takes a bodyslam off a slingshot and starts selling his back like he just took a bullet. Credible lands some forearms on the back, then hits a SWEET chain of two vertical suplexes followed by a bridging northern lights. How did pro wrestling get on this sportz entertainment program?!

– Credible follows up with a roll into a single leg crab, wrenching Punk’s leg so far back it looks like Punk could grab it. Crowd is loving this. Punk rallies with some stiff kicks and a springboard forearm, which looks devastating.

– Punk hits a nice kneecharge/bulldog combo, then takes a page from the book of Aja Kong and hits a sweet uraken. I think we have our first instance off a WWE crowd marking out for stiffness right here. Punk makes Credible tap to the uranage/submission, Anaconda Vice, is it?

– After, Punk kneels down as the fans applaud. He looks emotional. How many other new guys have you seen who actually look like they care this much? He again does the Muta pose.

Now that’s what I call a 4 minute match. No boring bullshit, just action. I’ve never been a big Punk fan, but the guy connects in a huge way. Great stuff. Why didn’t he throw up the “X”? A lot of the fans were doing it.

Winner: CM Punk

Kurt Angle vs. The Brooklyn Brawler:

– The big gay Brawler gets a good reaction. Angle has a new shirt, the logo of which is a Jack Kirby-style rendering of his face. It’s that whole Minoriteam thing going around, I guess. Looks cool.

– “Welcome back” chant. I don’t know why the announcers are talking over this. Angle immediately goes for the anklelock, BB with a rope break. Back to their feet, Brawler talks crap, Angle headbutts him to the mat. Grapevined anklelock, two-armed tap-out.

A really fun squash.

Winner: Kurt Angle

There’s a Big Show hype video set to this great music. Whoever made this thing is seriously the next Dave Sahadi. This stuff was awesome.

Ariel gropes Fertig the Impaler, who now has an official name: Kevin Thorne. The dialogue is right out of a B-movie craptacular, but both of them look really cool IMO. Ariel in particular is a breath of fresh air.

ECW World Title Match – Batista vs. Big Show©:

– The story of this one isn’t the ring action. It’s the fact that the fans immediately turn on both guys, and neither wrestler is able to navigate their way through the wave of heat. You’d think at least one of them would start playing with the crowd a bit or try SOMETHING, but instead they both get stone-faced and sullen and just try to get through it.

– Big Show hits the ring to an “RVD” chant. Batista comes out to big boos, probably 80%. There’s a quick exchange where Batista hits some soft strikes that send Show to the outside. Commercial.

– After the break, we get a “same old shit” chant and Show flips the fans off. At least a few fans have their backs turned, while others have their hands over their eyes. This is awesome.

– Batista does the “try to get the big man off his feet” thing and fans break into a “boring” chant. Show looks lost as he is in control and the fans break into a very loud, very clear “CHANGE THE CHANNEL” chant! Hahahhaa! Thank you! Styles and Tazz act confused, suggesting that the fans are saying they don’t like the network. Nice try.

– Show scoop slams Dave in between about 45 seconds of standing around doing nothing. He slowly climbs the ropes and starts arguing with a ringside fan, again pointing out that he makes a lot of money. I presume he’s telling us he doesn’t give a crap because he gets paid. What’s sad is it’s pretty clear that’s his honest take. He admits to being a hack and probably could care less.

– Batista hits a second rope superplex to a “you still suck” chant. Batista finally gets Show off his feet with a spear to a “boring” chant. Tazz foolishly addresses it, saying: “The crowd’s chanting that this is boring, but it’s anything but boring”. Judge Judy said it best when she said “don’t piss on my head and tell me it’s raining”.

– Batista hits the chokeslam, Batista kicks. Show grabs the ECW belt, looking to get DQ’ed. Batista ducks it and hits a spinebuster to major boos. Batista goes for the Batista bomb, giving a half-hearted “thumbs” pose, but Show converts it to a WWE-ized.. AIR RAID CRASH?! Talk about trying to throw the fans a bone. Unfortunately, this is not Akira Hokuto’s head-dropping destroyer of a move, it’s one where the victim lands flat on his back. It’s sad that a Japanese woman weighing about 135 pounds does this move 2,000 times better than the Big Show.

– Show then really weakly hits Batista with the belt, to no drama, for the DQ. Sabu runs in and blows some hardcore-y spots to try to keep us happy and build to Sabu/Show, which should be INSANE!

Winner: Big Show

OVERALL: I am sorely tempted to give this a FOUR out of FIVE. The crowd did what I hoped they’d do – they told Vince what they wanted. The “change the channel” chant is most certainly one they do not want going out on the air in any form. A wild show, enjoyable for different reasons than most wrestling shows, but enjoyable nonetheless. This is a high THREEE out of FIVE. If they stop running the Hammerstein… then Vince needs a punch in the mouth.

It’s funny how the WWE puts on a totally different kind of show when they know they’re going to have a crowd of diehard fans, isn’t it? Why don’t they ALWAYS try to put on a show like this?

TNA Impact

BORSH is in the back with JJJJ and Steiner. They are looking for Cornette and Christian. So it’s one of these things again.

LAX vs. ??:

– Don’t know who the jobbers are. After maybe a minute of brawling, LAX hit their finishers and pin simultaneously. Hernandez hits a sweet Razor’s Edge Toss thing… and Homicide unleashes the Kudoh Driver. Fans eat it up. LAX are getting mostly cheered, heh heh.

A squash, but entertaining stuff. It sure took a long time, but Homicide’s finally getting a chance to shine. Hernandez is impressing as well.

Winners: LAX

AJ and Daniels pop up on the big screen. AJ isn’t going to win any Emmys, that’s for sure. Daniels vs. Homicide for next week! Sweet. Heh heh, Konnan calls Daniels a “shell-less turtle”.

BORSH (#2) is with Joe. Joe cuts a pretty awesome promo on Rhino and Monty. Joe says that just like Monty did in the super bowl, he’ll choke in the big time. Joe is really on his way, promo-wise.

BORSH (3) watches Jeff Jarrett and Steiner beat up Lethal. They’re looking for Cornette, you see. They’re also looking for TV time, methinks. What a ratings-grabber.

Then there’s a hype video on wrestling’s hottest free agent: The Rock! No? Jericho? Goldberg? No.. it’s Bobby Roode. You know, the guy who does a lot of stomps and stuff? Yeah…

Shane Douglas gets in the ring and introduces the “new look” Naturals. New tights, pretty much. Not exactly drastic, but better, I guess.

Naturals vs. AMW w/ Gail:

– Gail… O…M…G. So hot…

– This is an interesting bout, as The Naturals actually win it with a flash pin during the opening sequence. Cool idea! AMW tease dissension.

Winners: The Naturals

Then Jarrett and Steiner come out and beat down the Naturals. Well, that was pretty counter-productive. JJ says they’re not leaving the ring until they get to have some physicality or talking with Christian. This is the opposite of compelling. Commercial..

We’re back. Zbysko’s still here? Why? He hams it up and says that the heels must leave. They do. Huh… TNA’s big problem is they only one hour and a huge roster. So why is Jeff in 4 segments so far? You know why. HHH is much more tolerable. Sad but true.

Sting video interview. This Christian turn is pretty obvious…

Senshi video. Senshi has the best voice in wrestling.

Jay Lethal vs. Petey Williams vs. Sonjay Dutt vs. Frankie Kazarian vs. Alex Shelley:

– The crowd has been put into a come after all the total non-stop talking on the show thus far. These X guys roll out the great spots and the crowd comes alive as it progresses…

– Petey at least got rid of the Canada jersey. Shelley/Nash/Devine need a better name. “Paparazzi productions” is a pretty putrid name for a faction. “New World Order” had a poetic air to it… “Four Horsemen” was awesome, as the men who bring forth the apocalypse… “De-Generation X” was a little witty and accurate at the time… Paparazzi are fat guys who don’t bathe and sit outside Cher’s house for days at a time.

– Tenay is much calmer this week, much better.

– Shelley with a twisty slingshot senton gets two. Kaz busts out a nice inverted hip toss, really cool move.. Sonjay with the WARRIOR ROPE SHAKE~! Hits a nasty spinebuster, but can’t get much of a crowd reaction, unfortunately. 4 guys chain up in a contrived-but-fun spot, where Lethal ends up dropkicking all of them at once. They need to do more of these lucharesu spots.. many more, IMO.

– Lethal’s cartwheel kick rules it every time. I honestly think I’d rather watch a Lethal match over a Shelton Benjamin match any week.

– Sonjay breaks up a pin with a standing moonsault. ALX hits a sweet inverted lungblower. Petey sneaks in and hits a Canadian Destroyer for the win.

Really, really good stuff! Petey Williams… ugh… What else does he have to offer? It better be a lot if he’s going to go over Senshi at the PPV. I’d much rather see any of the other guys in this face Shi.

Winner: Petey Williams

BORSH (4) welcomes Jim Cornette to the building. He arrived in a limo with Christian. Is Cage sleeping on his couch or something?

MAIN EVENT MEETING:

Cornette addresses the roster. He says as the boss, he doesn’t want to be on TV every five minutes like the schlubs in the WWE. We see a kid in the crowd who’s painted up like female Mexican wrestler Martha Villalobos of all people. Is it just me, or do the fat lesbian women wrestlers end up getting the most over?

Cornette books some PPV bouts:
#1 contender’s Match – AMW vs. Jameseses vs. Kazarian & Bentley vs. The Naturals
Runt vs. Abyss
Falls Count Anywhere – Joe vs. Rhino vs. Monty Brown

And for next week’s Impact: Lethal, Sonjay & Sabin vs. Nash, Shelley & Devine
Wow.. I actually want to watch next week!

And also for next week: Christian vs. Steiner. The stip is vague. Cornette doesn’t say the loser is banned from ringside at the PPV, but he does say you could beat your opponent to the point where they can’t show up. Like that happens.

Christian calls Steiner “Sir Lancealot” hahaha referring to Scott’s +1 chainmail headdress.

Then Jeff Jarrett, disguised as a fan in a Sting mask, ambushes Cage. Then he gets right up in the camera and cackles, like any cartoon villain would in 1976. Why not get a monocle and a doomsday device while we’re at it?

OVERALL: The X match was really good, but most everything else was abysmal. Jarrett was all over this thing and it just doesn’t pay off. I don’t want to pay to see him lose, I want to pay to see shows he’s not a part of. A ONE out of FIVE.

Match of the Week: Punk vs. Credible. Credible looked REALLY good in this. Both guys’ stock went up, IMO.

Show of the Week: EC DUB! TNA and Raw were both really off their game this week.

Check out my review of WWE MSG Classics.