411’s WWE Heat Report 11.11.07

Okay, I have two HUGE items to discuss, so let me start with the quicker of the two.

To all of my readers in the great state of Ohio, I’ve just got THREE words for you:
SUCK IT, BITCHES!
Love always, THE ILL F’N INI!
P.S., Ron Zook may have just overtaken Ron Simmons as the greatest Ron in history.
P.P.S., Byers, you totally just missed the greatest night ever at Murphy’s.

And now, without further ado, I present to you the news that you have waited TWO YEARS to hear:

I WON THE FUCKING WAR OF THE 411 HEAT REPORTERS!
I WON THE FUCKING WAR OF THE 411 HEAT REPORTERS!
I WON THE FUCKING WAR OF THE 411 HEAT REPORTERS!
I WIN! I WIN! I WIN! I WIN! I WIN! I WIN!
SMALL LOSES! SMALL LOSES! SMALL LOSES!
SLIMMER > SMALL! SLIMMER > SMALL! SLIMMER > SMALL!

That’s right, it’s over. I mean, it’s REALLY OVER. No fucking truces. No teaming up against Csonka (worst… idea… ever…). No, no, this time, IT’S REALLY FUCKING OVER! AND I WIN! I WIN! I WIN! After two years, Jeff Small FINALLY admitted to himself that he could NEVER write a better Heat Report than me and thus had no choice but to quit his Heat Report… FOREVER! Look, I know that this must be a joyous day for all of the 411 readers, but you simply can’t imagine the sheer orgasmic pleasure that I take in all of this. I WIN! SMALL LOSES! I WIN! SMALL LOSES! I WIN! SMALL LOSES! And sure, some of you may think that my little celebration is bit childish and immature. But you have to remember that I’ve been fighting this fight for TWO FUCKING YEARS. For TWO YEARS I’ve had to deal with Small. For TWO YEARS I’ve had to put up with his bullshit. For TWO YEARS I’ve had to read to his idiotic twaddle. But no more. NO FUCKING MORE!

I WIN, BITCH! YOU LOSE, BITCH! You hear me, Small? So go ahead and tell people that this has nothing to do with me. Tell them that you’re moving onward and upward. Tell them that you’re going on to bigger and better things. Tell them that this was the best decision you could have made. Because I don’t care how many people believe you. I don’t care if each and every 411 reader believes you. Hell, I don’t care if Ashish and Larry and Randle and Wilcox and the entire 411 staff believes you. Because all that matters… ALL THAT FUCKING MATTERS… is that you and I know the truth. You and I know that I drove you away from Heat with your fucking tail between your legs. You and I know that this truly was a war, and that it was a war that I won. You and I know that NOTHING mattered to you more than your Heat Report. You and I know that I’m the one that took it all away from you. And you and I know that there is now a hole in your soul that will fester and rot and eat away at you for the rest of your life. So I could end this by calling you a loser or a douche bag or a cocksucker, and all of that would be true. But instead I’m going to end it by calling you the one thing that we both know you really are deep down inside. So farewell and fuck off, you sad, pathetic QUITTER.

Now then, with all of that said and done, I sincerely would like to officially welcome Stuart Carapola to the 411 Heat Reporting Team. Stu has filled in for both Small and me on numerous occasions in the past, and he’s always done a great job. Now he’s accepted the position on a permanent basis and will be writing The Cult of Personality Heat Report each and every week, right here at 411. His first report is already up, and it’s a great read. And in case you’re wondering, the answer is no. There WILL NOT be any sort of Feud of the 411 Heat Reports II. My feud with Small was never about trying to be the only Heat Reporter at 411. I love the fact that 411 has such a wide variety of content and such a plethora of different voices and opinions. I think it’s great that we have multiple reports of all wrestling show so that each reader can find the report that they enjoy most. No, Small and I truly did just have some bad blood based on some personal history that even most members of the 411 staff don’t know about. But I’ve got nothing but respect for Stu, and I’m more than happy to share the Heat Reporting duties with him. So welcome, Stu. I hope you enjoy Heat as much as I always have.

Anyway, I think we have some wrestling to discuss. You’re probably aware that unlike Raw and Smackdown!, Heat is now available exclusively on WWE.com. You may also be aware that Heat is now only available as full-length episodes instead of individual segments. This change in presentation means that the previous Preview / Review format of the Heat Report is now somewhat obsolete. So from now on I’m going to be using a more traditional recapping style that will be most similar to the Review section of previous Heat Reports. Be sure to email me and let me know what you think of the new format. I want this Report to be as useful as possible, so I’m always open to suggestions. Okay, enough with the boring stuff. Let’s get to the wrestling.

Match 1: Mickie James vs. Melina

We start off with the new WWE: The Power is Back video followed by the Heat opening video. Todd Grisham, alongside Jonathan, welcomes us to Heat. Melina’s music hits, and the reason that Johnny Nitro… um, I guess that’s John Morrison now… cries himself to sleep every night makes her way down the ramp. I miss the paparazzi. They were awesome. Anyway, Melina climbs up onto the ring apron and hits a springboard variation on her split-legged ring entrance. Oh my stars and garters. She is just… so… bendy… By the way, Grisham and Coach just simultaneously orgasmed. I shit you not. Melina hits the corners to pose for the crowd, and the crowd seems rather, um, stimulated. Mickie James’ music hits, and THE HOTTEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD makes her way down the ramp. What, you want to argue about that? Really? Because you’ll lose. Seriously, I thought that Mickie already was hotter than the laws of thermodynamics should allow, but tonight she literally does look better that she ever has before. How does she keep does that? Mickie hits the corner to pose for the crowd, and I’ll be typing the rest of this match with only one hand. So please forgive any spelling errors. Anyway, both Divas seem ready for action, so the referee signals for the bell, and this match is officially underway. Man, would I like to be under… well, you know…

Mickie and Melina circle each other to start before locking each other up in a collar-and-elbow tie-up, but Mickie quickly switches into a modified arm drag takedown. Both Divas get back to their feet and circle each other before locking each other up in a second collar-and-elbow tie-up. Melina hits a modified arm drag takedown, maintains the collar and elbow tie-up, and pins Mickie’s shoulders to the mat but only gets a one count before Mickie gets a shoulder up. Mickie gains the advantage, maintains the collar-and-elbow tie-up, and tries to pin Melina’s shoulders to the mat, but Melina bridges out and gets back to her feet. This is some swank wrestling right here. Both Divas are back on their feet and still in the collar-and-elbow tie-up, but Melina connects with a kick to Mickie’s ribs and switches to an arm wringer. Mickie hits a one-handed cartwheel to reverse the pressure and then hits a modified arm drag takedown into an arm wringer of her own. Mickie wrenches on Melina’s arm and tries to dislocate Melina’s shoulder, but Melina breaks the hold with a forearm shot to Mickie’s face. Melina locks in a full Nelson (sniffle… sniffle… I miss the Masterlock…), but Mickie drops down and rolls up Melina. Mickie has Melina covered but only gets a two count before Melina kicks out.

Mickie drags Melina back to her feet, takes her over with a snap mare takedown, hits the ropes, and connects with a basement drop kick to Melina’s face. Mickie covers Melina but only gets a one count before Melina kicks out. Melina crawls to the ropes and climbs back to her feet, but Mickie catches her with a forearm shot to the face. Mickie tries to whip Melina to the ropes, but Melina reverses and instead whips Mickie to the ropes. Melina waits for Mickie to rebound and takes a swing at her, but Mickie baseball slides between Melina’s legs and gets a single-leg takedown into a half Boston crab. Melina desperately crawls towards the ropes and finally makes contact, so the referee forces Mickie to break the hold. Mickie turns to face Melina, but Melina kicks her in the face and flings her between the ropes so that her shoulder slams into the ring post. Mickie tumbles between the ropes, and Melina kicks her all the way down to the arena floor. Melina follows Mickie out of the ring, drags Mickie back to her feet, and rolls her back into the ring before sliding back into the ring herself.

Melina drags Mickie back to her feet, wraps her arm around the top rope, and wrenches away at it before guiding Mickie back to the middle of the ring and hitting a cross arm breaker. Melina raises Mickie up into a seated position and bitch slaps her across the back of the head before spinning her around and giving her a FUCKING STIFF bitch slap right across the face. Holy shit. Melina kicks Mickie back down to the mat and covers her but only gets a two count before Mickie kicks out.

Melina drags Mickie back to her feet, takes her over with a snap make takedown, and locks in an overhead key lock, but Mickie bridges back to her feet and hits a modified arm drag takedown to create some distance. Melina gets back to her feet, kicks Mickie in the shoulder, and locks in an arm wringer, but Mickie retaliates with a forearm shot to Melina’s face to break the hold. Mickie connects with another forearm shot to Melina’s face and tries to whip Melina to the corner, but Melina reverses and instead whips Mickie to the corner. Melina charges after Mickie, but Mickie hits her with the Mick-a-rana (i.e., a back elbow shot from the corner followed by a rope-aided spiral hurricanrana). Both Divas get back to their feet, but Mickie connects with a Louise Thesz press followed by three mounted forearm shots to the face. Both Divas get back to their feet, but Mickie scores with an arm trap neck breaker (i.e., a Regal Cutter). Mickie covers Melina but only gets a two count before Melina kicks out.

Both Divas get back to their feet and Mickie whips Melina to the ropes. Mickie waits for Melina to rebound and ducks her head to telegraph the back body drop, so Melina leap frogs over Mickie and spins around to face her. Mickie spins around, connects with two bitch slaps to the face, and hits the Goodnight Kiss (i.e., a reverse roundhouse kick preceded by a kiss). Mickie covers Melina and gets the three count. Mickie James’ music hits as the referee raises her hand in victory. Mickie celebrates her victory, blows one more kiss to Melina, and rolls out of the ring. Mickie makes her way back up the ramp and gets some love from the crowd as Melina sells like a champ back in the ring.

Match Result: Mickie James defeats Melina with the Goodnight Kiss (i.e., a reverse roundhouse kick preceded by a kiss)
Match Length: 5:07
Best Spot: Um, dude, is there really any question? Mickie’s Goodnight Kiss

We move on to a commercial for Batista vs. The Undertaker in a Hell in a Cell Match for the World Heavyweight Champion ship at Survivor Series, live on Sunday, November 18 at 8e/5p, only on pay-per-view. Um, am I the only one who finds it really amusing that that both the opening and closing shots of that commercial are actually of a normal cage instead of a Hell in a Cell? WWE’s production work is usually second to none, but that’s just plain sloppy right there.

Next up is the newest Save_Us.222 / The Answer is the Code commercial.

Match 2: Ron Simmons vs. Aaron Aguilera

“DAMN!” We’re back on Heat, Ron Simmons’ music hits, and the only performer in WWE to get paid by the word makes his way down the ramp. Simmons climbs into the ring where Aaron Aguilera is already waiting for him. Some of you may remember Aaron Aguilera as Carlito’s old sidekick Jesus. And yes, I REALLY wanted to use Ron Simmons vs. Jesus as the teaser for this column, but I just couldn’t resist the Lou Gehrig quotation given my momentous victory over Small. But really, any other week, Ron Simmons vs. Jesus would have been a SWEET headline. Anyway, both men seem ready for action, so the referee signals for the bell, and this match is officially underway.

Both men circle each other to start and Aguilera goes for a collar-and-elbow tie-up, but Simmons kicks him in the gut, gives him a clubbing forearm shot to the back, punches him in the face, and punches him in the ribs. Simmons connects with another punch to the ribs and another punch to the face before stretching Aguilera across the top rope and landing four more punches to the ribs. Simmons takes Aguilera over with a snap mare takedown and then hits a head drop to the ribs. Simmons drags Aguilera back to his feet, but Aguilera fights back with a rake to the eyes. Aguilera connects with a double ax-handle shot to the back followed by a clubbing forearm shot to the back before guiding Simmons over to the corner and slamming his head into the top turnbuckle. Aguilera guides Simmons back to the middle of the ring and his him with another double ax-handle shot to the back followed by a kick to the ribs and an elbow shot to the top of the head. Aguilera hits the ropes and charges at Simmons, but Simmons catches him with a power slam. Simmons covers Aguilera and gets the three count. Dude, this match went 1:23. That’s damn near going Broadway in Simmons’ world. Anyway, Ron Simmons’ music hits as the referee raises his hand in victory. Simmons grabs a microphone, and it looks like he’s got something on his mind.

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Ron Simmons: “DAMN!”

Match Result: Ron Simmons defeats Aaron Aguilera with a power slam.
Match Length: 1:23
Best Spot: Simmons’ power slam

We move on to a commercial for WrestleMania 24, live from the Citrus Bowl in sunny Orlando, Florida on Sunday, March 30, only on pay-per-view.

Match 3: Paul London & Brian Kendrick vs. The Highlanders

We’re back on Heat, and it’s time for our MAIN EVENT! Paul London & Brian Kendrick’s music hits, and my FAVORITE TAG TEAM IN WWE run their crazy little asses down the ramp. Goofy bastards. London and Kendrick slide into the ring, hit the corners, and flip back to the mat. AWESOME goofy bastards. And yes, I STILL think that Paul London killed Vince McMahon. The bagpipes hit, and “Rowdy” Roddy Piper’s EVIL cousins make their way down the ramp. Evil bastards. The Highlanders climb into the ring and give the Black Panther salute. I’m… not really sure what that’s all about. But hey, you gotta stand for something, or you’ll fall for anything, right? Anyway, all four men seem ready for action, so the referee signals for the bell, and this match is officially underway.

London and Robbie head to their respective corners and climb out onto the ring apron, so it looks like it’s going to be Kendrick and Rory to start the match. Kendrick and Rory circle each other to start and Rory goes for a collar-and-elbow tie-up, but Kendrick catches him in a standing hammer lock. Rory breaks the hold with a back elbow shot to Kendrick’s head, traps him in the corner, punches him in the face, whips him to the opposite corner, and charges after him, but Kendrick floats over and lands on his feet behind Rory. Kendrick connects with a deep arm drag takedown into an arm bar, drags Rory back to his feet, guides him over to the corner, switches to an arm wringer, tags London into the match, and holds Rory as London climbs into the ring. London and Kendrick whip Rory to the ropes, wait for him to rebound, and catch him with a double Japanese arm drag.

Kendrick slides out of the ring as London applies an arm bar to Rory. Rory fights back to his feet, muscles London to the corner, and breaks the hold with a knee shot to the gut before landing a clubbing forearm shot to London’s back. Rory punches London in the face, whips him to the opposite corner, and charges after him, but London just manages to slide out of the way. Rory slams chest-first into the top turnbuckle, and London catches him with a deep arm drag takedown. Rory gets back to his feet, but London immediately catches him with a second deep arm drag takedown. Rory again gets back to his feet and London muscles him to the ropes to go for a roll-up, but Rory grabs the ropes to maintain his vertical base. Rory turns to face London, but London connects with a standing drop kick. Rory rolls under the bottom rope and out to the arena floor to catch a breather.

Rory takes his time on the outside before sliding back into the ring, heading to the corner, and slapping Robbie across the face to tag him into the match. Rory climbs out onto the ring apron as Robbie climbs into the ring. London and Robbie circle each other before locking each other up in a collar-and-elbow tie-up. Robbie goes for a knee shot to the gut but London catches his leg, so Robbie counters with a head butt that sends London flying across the ring. Robbie drags London back to his feet, knocks him silly with a European-style uppercut, and chokes him across the second rope. Robbie drags London back to his feet and gives him a forearm shot to the face followed by a punch to the face, but London fights back with a kick to the gut. London scores with a second kick to the gut, but Robbie regains the advantage with another punch to the face. Robbie tires to slam London’s head into the top turnbuckle, but London gets his boot up on the second turnbuckle to prevent contact. London kicks Robbie in the gut and does successfully slam his head into the top turnbuckle, but Robbie no-sells the impact. Robbie takes a swing at London, but London ducks under his arm to avoid contact and levels him with a standing drop kick. Robbie gets back to his feet, but London catches him with a deep arm drag into an arm bar. London drags Robbie back to his feet, guides him over to the corner, switches to an arm wringer, tags Kendrick into the match, and holds Robbie as Kendrick climbs into the ring. London and Kendrick whip Robbie to the ropes, wait for him to rebound, and catch him with a double hip toss. Kendrick covers Robbie but only gets a one count before Robbie kicks out. London climbs out onto the ring apron as Robbie gets back to his feet and Kendrick catches him with a deep arm drag takedown into an arm bar. Kendrick is in control as we head to a commercial…

We move on to a commercial for Randy Orton vs. Shawn Michaels for the WWE Championship at Survivor Series, live on Sunday, November 18 at 8e/5p, only on pay-per-view. Wait, so Michaels can’t use Sweet Chin Music? Dude, he’s fucked, right? I mean, that’s his finishing move, right? I mean, it’s not like he can win a match, much less a championship, with any other move, right? I mean, there’s no way that Michaels could ever win the WWE Championship… at Survivor Series… with a move other than Sweet Chin Music. I mean, he’d have to use something completely different… maybe some sort of submission… maybe something like the Sha… Oh, I get it now…

We’re back on Heat, and during the commercial Robbie regained control of the match. Robbie whips Kendrick to the ropes, waits for him to rebound, and drops down to the mat, so Kendrick leaps over him, hits the opposite ropes, and connects with a forearm shot to Rory on the ring apron after Rory took a swing at him. Robbie gets back to his feet and nails Kendrick with a forearm shot to the back that sends him tumbling between the ropes and down to the arena floor. Rory drags Kendrick back to his feet, rams him back-first into the ring apron, and rolls him back into the ring before climbing back up on to the ring apron and returning to his corner. Robbie covers Kendrick but only gets a one count before Kendrick gets both a foot on the ropes and a shoulder off the mat.

Robbie drags Kendrick back to his feet, drags him over to the corner, slaps Rory across the face to tag him into the match, and holds Kendrick as Rory climbs into the ring, head up to the second rope, and connects with a flying elbow shot to Kendrick’s back. Robbie climbs out onto the ring apron as Rory kicks Kendrick in the head, stands on his back, and hits a springboard knee drop to the back. Rory drags Kendrick back to his feet, levels him with a head butt, heads over to the corner, and slaps Robbie across the face to tag him into the match. Robbie climbs into the ring and kicks Kendrick in the back as Rory climbs out onto the ring apron. Robbie applies a rear chin lock to Kendrick and then flings him down to the mat as Kendrick begins to fight back to his feet. Robbie covers Kendrick but only gets a two count before Kendrick kicks out.

Robbie drags Kendrick back to his feet, guides him over to the corner, slaps Rory across the face to tag him into the match, and hold Kendrick as Rory climb into the ring and delivers a head butt to Kendrick’s ribs. Rory connects with a double ax-handle drop to Kendrick’s chest and covers him but only gets at two count before Kendrick kicks out. Rory raises Kendrick up into a seated position and locks in a modified surfboard submission. Kendrick fights back to his feet and lands three punches to the gut followed but three forearm shot to the face, but Rory takes Kendrick back down to the mat with a drop toe hold. Rory drags Kendrick over to the corner, grapevines his leg, and tags Robbie back into the match. Robbie climbs into the ring and immediately kicks Kendrick in the back. Rory climbs out onto the ring apron as Robbie applies a rear chin lock to Kendrick. Kendrick fights back to his feet and tries to break the hold with four punches to Robbie’s gut, but Robbie retaliates with a knee shot to Kendrick’s face followed by a clubbing forearm shot to Kendrick’s back. Robbie whips Kendrick to the corner, charges after him, and goes for a big splash, but Kendrick just manages to slide out of the way. Robbie slams chest-first into the top turnbuckle, and Kendrick dives across the ring to FINALLY tag London into the match.

London leaps into the ring as Kendrick gingerly rolls out onto the ring apron, but Robbie also manages to stumble across the ring and tag Rory into the match. Rory climbs into the ring as Robbie slowly rolls out onto the ring apron. London and Rory charge at each other and Robbie goes for a running clothesline, but London ducks under his arm to avoid contact and catches him with an inverted atomic drop. London hits the ropes, levels Rory with a running forearm shot, waits for him to get back to his feet, and levels him again with a running back elbow shot. London again waits for Roby to get back to his feet, levels him with a standing drop kick, drags him back to his feet, and tries to whip him to the ropes, but Rory reverses and instead whips London to the ropes. Rory waits for London to rebound and ducks his head to telegraph the back body drop, so London puts on the brakes and kicks Rory right in the chest. London levels Rory with a head scissors takedown and Robbie charges into the ring to aid his partner, but London levels him with a leg sweep. London waits for Rory to get back to his feet and connects with a standing drop kick as Robbie rolls back out onto the ring apron. London covers Rory but only gets a two count before Rory kicks out.

London drags Rory back to his feet and tries to whip him to the corner, but Rory reverses and instead whips London to the corner. Rory charges after London, but London gets both boots up and plants them in Rory’s face before floating over the top rope and landing on the ring apron. London hits a springboard mushroom stomp on Rory, and by some miracle Grisham actually calls the move. London covers Rory but only gets a two count before Robbie slides into the ring and breaks up the pin with a double ax-handle drop to London’s back. Robbie gets back to his feet, but Kendrick charges into the ring and drop kicks him back out of the ring before following him out of the ring. Back in the ring London drags Rory back to his feet and his him with three forearm shots to the face. London levels Rory with a SWANK spinning heel kick and hits the ropes, but Robbie grabs his foot from the outside. Kendrick flies in from out of nowhere and levels Robbie with a forearm shot to the face, but the distraction gives Rory time to connect with a head butt to London’s gut. Rory rolls up London and gets the three count. The Highlanders’ music hits as Rory rolls out of the ring. Robbie joins Rory on the outside and raises his hand in victory as London and Kendrick wistfully recall their glorious reign as WWE Tag Team Champions.

Match Result: Rory McAllister defeats Paul London with a roll-up pin after a head-butt to the gut.
Match Length: 9:21 (including commercial)
Best Spot: London’s springboard mushroom stomp