The Very Best of GLOW: Volume 2 DVD Review

Also, I wanted to take a second to note that, as is often the case when I cover more obscure wrestling promotions, I’m getting a lot of e-mails and comments asking questions about the company and the wrestlers who competed in it. Feel free to keep those rolling in. I plan on answering them all to the best of my ability on my 411 Blog in an entry that will be made a couple of days after my review of Volume 3 of the DVD series is posted.

With that introductory material out of the way, let’s take a look at what The Very Best of GLOW: Volume 2 has to offer!

The Main Program

We start off in the GLOW Locker Room, where our head official informs the roster that they’ve been picked up for another season before making fat jokes about the lead heel manager, Aunt Kitty. Oh, and he also notes that her clothes are so old that, “when she bought them, the tags were in Roman numerals.”

Tiffany’s GLOW Gossip lets us know that Roxy Astor is dating a “diamond cutter” . . . the guy who mows the field at Yankee Stadium. This is going to be an especially long hour.

Match Numero Uno: Ninotchka vs. The Widow

I don’t recall what exactly was going on with Ninotchka’s gimmick at this point, as she was originally supposed to be a Soviet spy but then turned babyface. She’s not wearing her Rooskie garb in this one, but the announcer is constantly making fat jokes about her during the match, so I assume she turned back to the dark side at some point. If that’s the case, I have no clue why she’s going up against the Widow, who is also a heel. Perhaps somebody more versed in the history of GLOW can help me out. The Widow comes out with a pair of goblets, one of which she not-so-inconspicuously spikes with a sedative. The clueless European downs the drink within seconds of the drug being added. Ninotchka starts things off with a monkey flip and an airplane spin before dropping a leg on the Widow. She then starts to sell the poison and misses a second leg. Widow tries to take control with an odd flying snap mare, but both women do the flip and land flat on their backs. I’m not entirely sure who was supposed to be hurt by that one. I guess it was Widow, because Ninotchka gets a big slam and tries for another, though she falls down due to the mickey she was slipped, allowing Widow to get a two count. ‘Notchka tries to throw a dropkick at that point, but she misses and goes flying all the way over to the top rope and to the floor. Widow follows her to the outside, slamming the Soviet in to a foam board column placed in the middle of the casino for the sole purpose of giving wrestlers something to throw each other in to. A monkey flip on the floor is next, and it, combined with the effects of the sedative, is so devastating that Widow beats her opponent back in to the ring and gets the count out victory.

Match Thoughts: Over the years, Ninotchka has gained a reputation for being the GLOW girl who took to the sport of professional wrestling most readily (next to, of course, Tina “Ivory” Moretti). Of course, that means that she’s still not exactly a technical wizard in the ring, but her matches were always able to provide a few moments that were more exciting than the standard GLOW fare. That was exactly the case here, as her bump over the top rope to the floor off of a missed dropkick was something that I honestly can’t recall seeing replicated in professional wrestling. Of course, there’s probably a very good safety reason that it hasn’t bee replicated, but it’s not as though there aren’t hundreds of wrestlers on the indy circuit doing hundreds of more dangerous things every weekend.

Gynecologist Dr. Fiel tries to get fresh with Babe, the Farmer’s Daughter, but Tulsa reminds him of the shotgun owned by the Farmer’s Daughter’s Father (also known simply as “The Farmer”). You know, I’m not a woman, but, if I were, I don’t think that I’d be taking my tag team partner to the ob-gyn’s office with me.

Match Numero Dos: Tulsa & Babe, the Farmer’s Daughter vs. Daisy & Beastie

One of my favorite sub shops used to carry a sandwich called “The Beastie.” I no longer live anywhere near one of their stores. That makes me sad. Daisy tries to attack Babe before the bell, but the Farmer’s Daughter gets the advantage and supposedly ties Daisy to the bottom rope by her hair. Beastie fixes that situation in a manner that makes it patently obvious that Daisy was never actually tied to anything. Despite an immense size advantage, Daisy STILL can’t get the upper hand, as she’s sent to the turnbuckles. She finally turns the momentum in her favor by whipping Babe in to Beastie’s outstretched foot, but a second attempt at that is blocked. Immediately thereafter, she takes Daisy down with a dropkick but plays to the crowd and gets armdragged. Beastie chokes away at Babe in the corner, and then the flower-themed wrestler throws the bumpkin out of the ring and in to the waiting arms of Beastie. Babe is whipped in to a fan by the Australian, and then she eats another one of those foam board columns. If those things were actually load bearing, the Rivera would’ve fallen down the week after GLOW opened. Tulsa finally makes it in to the ring seconds later, but Beastie destroys her inside the squared circle while Daisy continues to beat on Babe on the floor. Beastie hits a big low blow right in front of the referee, and I guess that’s legal in GLOW. That results in Tulsa being indisposed, and the bad girls hit a double suplex on Babe for the three count. The Farmer’s Daughter completely no sells the move, popping up immediately at three, acting like she’s not hurt at all, and walking immediately away from the ringside area despite the fact that her partner is still getting beaten on. Buh?

Match Thoughts: I’d be curious to know whether there was anything behind Babe walking out after the match, because it came off as something that was not planned as opposed to being an angle. (And this isn’t exactly a period in history in which a promotion would be trying for a “worked shoot” feel.) Aside from that odd moment, I’d say that this was the second better than average GLOW match in a row. The opening sequence of the bout was typical of the company, but, towards the end, Beastie and Daisy were allowed to really open up and beat the southern girls from pillar to post. It wound up being a halfway decent looking brawl given the experience levels of the women and, at least in my mind, did a good job of establishing the heel team as one that shouldn’t be screwed with.

Godiva informs us that it’s perfectly fine for two women to date the same eighty year old man simultaneously. After all, that gives them somebody talk to when he falls asleep.

Melody T. Vixen, GLOW’s resident veejay, wows us with some music-themed puns, each one punctuated by the obnoxious sorority girl “Wooo!”

Match Numero Tres: Tiffany Mellon w/ Jeeves vs. Major Tanya

Tanya is a former tag team partner of Ninotchka, and she retained Ninotchka’s old Soviet look and gimmick despite the fact that the Colonel had abandoned it at this point. Mellon tries to sell the Russian on some caviar prior to the match, but Tanya fights capitalism by throwing it aside and attacking Ms. Mellon. Biting political satire in GLOW, ladies and gentlemen. Tanya’s offense begins with – you guessed it – a monkey flip! An armbar is next from the Ninotchka clone, but Tiffany shoves her off and starts working over the leg. The Major eventually kicks her opposition off and hits a shoulderblock before applying the headlock. I’d call it a resthold, but, in GLOW, it’s more of a “this is the only hold I know” hold. Eventually the headlock becomes a bulldog, and Tanya stomps away, only to have an Irish whip reversed in to a Mellon armdrag. A bodyslam is next, and Tiffany heads to the top for the world’s daintiest cross body. It only gets two, though Mellon stays on her opponent with a dropkick. Tanya responds with a bearhug, and that softens up Mellon enough for the Major to hit a PILEDRIVER of all things. That is the abso-freaking-lutely last move that I would be taking from a GLOW girl, though I suppose that if I were also a member of the roster, I wouldn’t know any better. Naturally, it ends the match, and we’ve got (kayfabe) paramedics out to check on Tiff.

Match Thoughts: The piledriver made this one memorable, simply because I was fearing for Tiffany’s life for the last five seconds of the contest . . . for all the wrong reasons. However, we all know that she’s currently still alive and bounty hunting, so things apparently worked out just fine. Before that, though, I began to suffer from the same type of boredom that sets in every time I watch more than two or three GLOW matches in a row. As I discussed in the last review, these girls received very quick training in the absolute basics of wrestling, after which each of them was taught how to do only a handful of moves. In fact, they were all taught essentially the same maneuvers. That was on full display here, as I believe I’ve seen at least seventy-five monkey flips over the course of a DVD-and-a-half, and Tanya’s extended headlock in to a bulldog was a virtual carbon copy of a move that we saw just a few matches ago.

Beastie apparently moonlights as a waitress, as we get footage of her frightening a customer.

Match Numero Cuatro: Big Bad Mama, Hollywood, & Melody T. Vixen vs. Thunderbolt, Lightning, & Mountain Fiji in a two out of three falls match

We’ve see her run for mayor, and now it’s time to see Big Bad Mama in the ring! In a . . . two out of three falls match? As Sam Beckett used to say, “Oh boy.”

Mountain Fiji enters the ring with Thunderbolt and Lightning riding on her shoulders, which reminds me of the famous picture of Andre the Giant balancing four ladies on his arms. It’s a six woman donnybrook at the opening bell, and Lightning actually manages to take down Hollywood with a Mickie James-esque headscissors out of the corner. Not long after that, all three of the good girls are piled up in the corner for a triple avalanche, and Holly slams Thunderbolt. That allows the heels to isolate Fiji and triple team her, but eventually the superheroes break that up with stereo dropkicks. Seconds later, Lightning comes out of nowhere with a top rope cross body on Hollywood to take the first fall. Somebody ate her Wheaties this morning. It’s more aimless brawling in fall two, and not much of note happens until Hollywood catches Thunderbolt with a schoolboy to tie up the score. The second fall literally lasted about forty-five seconds, and we’ve got a Mountain Fiji insert promo to kick off fall three. She provides the “youngsters” in the crowd with advice, telling them that they’ll never know if they can do something until they try. Inspirational. Speaking of inspirational, as soon as the promo is over, Fiji slams Vixen on to Hollywood and pins them both with one foot.

Match Thoughts: The opening fall of the match wasn’t nearly as bad I as expected it to be and actually gave me a lot of hope for the rest of the match. Lightning in particular managed to impress with some highspots that would be fun to watch in 2008 and were even more eye popping when you consider that this bout was taking place in the 1980’s. Things were all downhill after that first fall, though, as the match turned from a “schmozz periodically punctuated by cool looking spots” to just a flat out “schmozz.” Falls two and three consisted entirely of directionless brawling, half of which was obscured by Fiji’s promo.

MORE PUNS~! The phrase “sewing wild oats” and the word “buxom” are featured. I’ll leave your mind to fill in the setups that went with those punchlines.

Match Numero Cinco: Godiva vs. Cheyenne Cher

This is the final match in the GLOW “Run for the Rubies” tournament, which was held to crown a new singles champion for the company. Cher’s gimmick is that she’s a Native American, and Godiva’s gimmick is that she’s British and mostly naked. Seriously, she sings about how little she’s wearing in her entrance rap. Fortunately, she’s easier on the eyes than Mideon was when he tried to do the same schtick.

Godiva kicks things off with a slam and some slaps in the corner prior to the obligatory monkey flip. A back body drop is next, and Cher overshoots her mark, hitting the ropes and almost falling out to the floor. Then they do what is actually a pretty cool looking, unique spot, as Godiva goes for a back body drop but Cher hits a big splash to Godiva’s back as she’s doubled over. She follows it up with a bow and arrow submission (ha ha), which Godiva eventually escapes. Cher’s next big offensive move is a tomahawk chop from the top, and there’s the Boston crab. Godiva reverses and does the same friggin’ extended headlock-in-to-a-bulldog that everybody on the roster performs. Cher gets a nearfall when Godiva carries her around on her shoulder for a while, which the “Native American” reverses in to a rollup. A sunset flip is next for Cher, but she’s tripped up afterwards and caught in a slingshot. Cher not only hit her midsection on the top rope on that one, but she also fell out to the floor. Godiva is content to take the count out victory, but Cher makes it to the apron. She’s suplexed backed in to the ring, which looked surprisingly good given the promotion that we’re dealing with here. The Brit then slams her opponent on to the top turnbuckle and blasts her with a big double sledge to the gut before slamming her on to the buckle a second time. We then have a REF BUMP, as Godiva accidentally swings Cher’s legs in to the official’s face. This sets up interference by Roxy Astor, who costs Godiva the match and gives the title to Cheyenne Cher.

Match Thoughts: This may have been the single best GLOW match that I’ve ever seen. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t any good when judged by the standards of normal wrestling (probably about *), but nothing was screwed up that badly and some of the offense – particularly the splash to the back and the slams on the buckles – wound up looking pretty damn good. I’d probably have liked it even more if I watched it in isolation from the rest of the GLOW product, as I wouldn’t have rolled my eyes upon seeing cliched spots like the bulldog and the monkey flip. If these women were capable of consistently performing like this, they wouldn’t have looked out of place in the ring with somebody like Maria Kanellis today. That might not sound like much of a compliment, but, trust me, the majority of the matches to come out of this group are far below that level.

After the match, we actually get serious promos to close the show, as Cher claims that she will defend the title against all comes and Godiva talks about how the promotion screwed her over. Astor even gets a few shots in at Godiva’s weight. Wow, that twenty seconds of talking from THE GORGEOUS LADIES OF FREAKING WRESTLING just explained an angle better than anything in the countless hours of TNA programming that I’ve watched.

Bonus Features

GLOW Scrapbook: The concept behind the GLOW Scrapbook remains the same as it was on the previous volume, with pages from a GLOW magazine or program being cut up and scanned in to the DVD for our viewing pleasure. Articles on Dementia, Zelda, and Godiva are featured, among others. This time around, instead of being able to click through the pages with your DVD remote, the selections are shown as part of a video that plays, showing pages of the scrapbook “turning” after a set amount of time. The result is a slightly less user-friendly version of the feature than what we got on Volume 1.

Trailers: We start out with the same SHIMMER trailer that was featured on Volume 1 and also get sneak peaks at Ultimate Insiders with Vince Russo & Ed Ferrara, Ultimate Insiders with the Hardy Boys, Ring of Glory, The Best of Deathmatch Wrestling: Mexican Hardcore, Valor Fighting, Desperados del Ring, and what appears to be an untitled compilation of Lizzy Valentine in XPW. For those who might be curious, I’ve got a two year old review of Desperados del Ring Volume 1 up here and a look at the first volume of the Russo/Ferrara Ultimate Insiders series archived here.

Bonus Matches: Hey, more grappling!

Bonus Match Numero Uno: Angel, Hollywood, & Vine vs. Tina Ferrari, Ashley Cartier, & Little Fiji

Even though the main feature was entirely comprised of latter-day GLOW action, for some reason we’re back to the David McLane era of GLOW for the bonus matches. I mentioned this last time, but I’ll note again that Tina Ferrari would go on to become Ivory in the WWF. She and Hollywood (whose background I also discussed in the prior review) are the only ones here to have done anything of note post-GLOW.

Also notable is the fact that Colonel Ninotchka is on color commentary. Yes, she’s using the hokey fake Russian accent the whole time. Its’ a six woman brawl to start, as Angel sprays Fiji down with a beer and sets off a big brawl. Eventually all of the faces are whipped in to each other, and the heels put them in to the wacky six person rowboat submission. I don’t have a better way of describing it, but chances are good that, if you’re actually taking the time to read this article, you know exactly what I’m talking about. When the hold breaks up, all three heels choke all three good girls in the ring, and the referee doesn’t do a single thing to enforce the tag rules. Perhaps this is a tornado match? I don’t know. Nobody’s said anything about it. Also, Little Fiji winds up pinning somebody, but the match continues. I guess it’s also a two out of three falls match. Again, nobody’s said anything about it.

What I can only assume is fall two kicks off with Hollywood leaping from the ring apron with a cross body block on to Ashley, who was on the floor. Ninotchka refers to this as a “flying suplex,” and both of the women are counted out of the ring as they continue to brawl on the outside. Our Soviet announcer starts to talk about particular wrestlers being “in” and “out” of the bout, so maybe what we’re dealing with is a six person elimination match. Of course, that would seemingly be contradicted by the fact that all six women are still brawling with nobody being forced to the back after their “elimination.” I’ve completely lost track of this match. The referee is standing in the ring and counting as five of the six women are fighting on the floor. Now we’ve got a shot of Aunt Kitty laying on the concrete, and nobody tells us how she got there. Then the bell rings, and there’s no indication of why. Maybe more people got counted out? Seconds later, Tina rolls up Angel in the ring, and the ref counts to three. So I guess she wins the match. Or her team does. I don’t know.

Match Thoughts: WHAT DID I JUST WATCH?! This was like the most confusing match that I’ve ever watched while reviewing TNA had a child with the most confusing match that I’ve ever watched while reviewing the UWF. It was trainwreck city, ladies and gentlemen.

Bonus Match Numero Dos: Attache vs. Tina Ferrari in a submission match

Attache applies a primitive version of the keylock to start, but Ivory reverses it in to a headscissors. The military-themed wrestler slips out and gets an armdrag, after which she continues to work over the limb. The only thing that accomplishes is getting her kneed in the face by Tina, and the young lady with the Italian gimmick scores a takedown before going in to an armbar of her own. Ferrari transitions in to a leglock of sorts, and now we’ve got a sharpshooter, followed by a Boston crab. The surfboard is next, after which Tina rolls her opponent in to a full nelson. Attache manages to escape that and starts pounding her opponent down with axe handles, which soften Tina up just enough for a swinging neckbreaker to connect. This sets up another armbar, which eventually becomes a rope assisted hammerlock. We then learn that GLOW referees are completely incompetent, as Attache manages to tie Tina’s wrists together without the official taking notice. The announcers try to put it over as though the strap Ivory has been bound with is “digging in to her flesh” and making a submission more likely. Right. ‘Tache’s next move is a sleeperhold, but Tina is out quickly and applies a double chicken wing. She takes the hold to the next level by adding in a knee to Attache’s back, but the move is ultimately escaped and turned in to a double underhook of all things. Attache maneuvers Tina in to position for a pedigree and then just holds her there for a while, which Ferrari counters with a back body drop. This barely phases the heel, though, as she runs the ropes for a while and then goes for the pin. Of course, it’s a submission match, so that doesn’t count. Tina takes advantage of the pour positioning and slaps on a nameless submission before hitting the Rude Awakening. Another scary GLOW piledriver connects, and we actually get a closeup of Attache’s head bouncing off the mat. (Note to aspiring wrestlers: These fights are FAKE, and your opponent’s head isn’t actually supposed to touch anything when you do the move.)

Immediately after Attache’s near death experience, Tina applies a figure four. You know, because the piledriver softened up Attache’s legs. Attache counters the figure four in a unique manner, namely by sitting up and biting one of Tina’s knees. This actually DRAWS BLOOD, which I guess is a receipt for that stiff piledriver a minute ago. Attache continues her biting in the corner, but Tina shoves her off and goes back to the sharpshooter, which gets the submission this time around.