The Dope on Smackdown 4.11.08

We were live from The Bahston Gahden with Cole and Coach, who hype tonight’s Undertaker/Festus main event.
I’m not sure I get the point of having The Undertaker take on a sympathetic simpleton, but at least it’s a fresh match up.

Former World champion (and future hall of famer) The Great Khali is in the ring flanked by an assortment of Bollywood types. Apparently this is going to be some sort of Punjabi peace ceremony to win over The Big Show. Khali shows off his improving English by clearly saying Big Show’s name. Fans of Khali’s existing microphone prowess need not fret as everything else sounded as garbled as ever. Show is out now and receives his first gift, which is some supposedly “special water”. It looks more like a carafe of dysentery to me. Next up is a bottle of the world’s finest scotch. Boy, the sure make scotch yellow in India. Show takes a swig (HEY, KIDS ARE WATCHING!) and nods in approval. Next, Big Show receives a chicken so he’ll never run out of eggs and an adorable little goat so he’ll never run out of milk. These are actually some pretty thoughtful gifts. Big Show is speechless, but he’s not fistless so he lays out Khali with a big punch. What an ingrate!

We go too commercial as Khali does a really, really terrible job of looking knocked out in the ring. Big Show shoulda ate the chicken Ozzy style and then smashed the cage over Khali’s head.

Tag team champions John Morrison & The Miz def. Jimmy Wang Yang & Shannon Moore in a non-title match when Miz pinned Yang after a neck breaker
Hahaha! Morrison called Moore a virgin! This was a really good TV match but it’s hard to care about the goings on of the tag team division on either brand. What does it matter who holds the belts when they’ll just lose them down the line to some other thrown together tag team that nobody will even remember in a year.

Teddy Long is in the back watching Vickie & Edge get massages. Oh wait, apparently they are not in the back, they are out having the night off. The spa they chose sure has that dressing room ambiance. Edge has been understandably stressed out over the Undertaker lately but Vickie thinks it’s nothing a pedicure won’t fix. Hmmm, I’m no clairvoyant but I get the feeling Edge’s night won’t end as relaxing as it started out. These two are really starting to grow on me as a couple.

Finlay w/Hornswoggle pinned Matt Striker after a shillelagh shot to the dome
I wrote the above sentence during Striker’s entrance. Perhaps I am clairvoyant after all? Finlay and Horny got quite a nice pop. Assuming Batista is Raw bound, Finlay is now the number two face on Smackdown. Who’d a thunk it? Finlay was not dq’d after tossing a bucket at Striker’s head. Hey ref, do your fuckin’ job. A post-match Tadpole splash added injury to, uh, injury.

Victoria introduces us to her new best friend, Natalya Neidhart, and shows a package of her daddy, “The Anvil”. Natalya says it’s all about her, not her dad and puts the other divas on notice. Not that you’d know it from what I just wrote, but Nattie seems like she’s pretty good on the stick.

Victoria def. Michelle McCool with a handful tights…
Err, I mean, she pinned her while grabbing a handful of tights, not by hitting her in the head with a handful of tights as those of you reading this who have never watched wrestling may have construed. Good match, you know, for GIRLS! I’m looking forward to seeing Nattie in the ring.

Mick Foley is in a movie with Willem Dafoe? That’s certainly a step up from working with ICP.

WWE.com… “our stuff, your statement”. Exactly what statement are you making by wearing a John Cena t-shirt? I don’t care if I get laid before the end of this decade?

Michael Cole is in the ring and introduces us to a Batista/HBK video package. Batista and HBK are in the ring now and Cole is gone. I’d say the ring just traded up. HBK says Ric and everybody else has moved on from the events at Wrestlemania and Batista’s real problem is with HBK himself. Batista agrees and elaborates, saying he doesn’t like the way Shawn made it to the top and thinks he is still his same old cliquey self. Shawn says he did what he had to do to make it in the big man’s world and I’ll leave it to you to insert a Pat Patterson joke if you are so inclined. Speaking of things going down people’s throats, Shawn says that’s what is going to happen to Batista’s teeth. The superkick is blocked, and a demon bomb attempt is thwarted before the men part company. I hope the match at Backlash lives up to the build because everything between these two so far has been gold.

Vladimir Koslov def. Matt Logan via pinfall with a reverse DDT
Just what the world was waiting for, Ludvig Borga 2.0. Hopefully somebody finds a box of steroids in his attic or something.

More relaxation time with Edge & Vickie as Teddy watches on.

A very dapper looking MVP is out to join the commentator’s booth for our next bout.

Matt Hardy def. Chuck Palumbo with the twist of fate
This was certainly a lot better than I thought it was going to be. I don’t think I’ve seen Palumbo in a match that lasted more than two or three minutes since his return but The Chuckertaker was looking pretty good tonight, referring of course, to his in-ring abilities and not his long flowing locks or chiseled physique. Sigh.

Eve Torres is with a concerned Jesse and a somewhat more, ah, indifferent Festus.

A rundown of the Backlash card, of which Kid Rock’s ‘All Summer Long’ is the official theme song. Hey, why not, who pays attention to things like seasons anyway?

Goddamnit Michael Cole! Undertaker is NOT a six-time world heavyweight champion, he is a two-time world heavyweight champion and a four-time WWE champion.

Edge and Vickie are in bed and Edge shoots a creamy white load all over her face. Of whipped cream. Teddy Long has had enough and storms out. HAHAHA! They were going to force him to watch them have sex! Man, Edge & Vickie are really giving Beecher & Keller a run for their money in the category of Michael’s favorite TV couple.

Undertaker def. Festus with the go-go platter
Festus and his retard strength put up a good fight and he never actually submitted proper, but the second ref ended things for compassions’ sake (yeah, there was a ref bump, no I couldn’t say why). Much better match than I would have expected, which has kind of been the theme tonight.

When I glimpsed the non-spoiler match listing a few days ago I thought “ugh, this is going to be a shit show” and while it wasn’t, you didn’t need to be too quiet to hear the sound of wheels spinning tonight. Hopefully Smackdown gets the long stick for once come draft lottery time because a quick glimpse at the relatively shallow Friday night talent pool tells me it needs it now more than ever.

“See” you next week.