411’s WWE Survivor Series Report 11.23.08

Just in case we hadn’t seen enough of them, we get a John Cena-Chris Jericho hype package to start us off. Is Cena coming back or something? You’d never know it.

PYRO~!

JR updates us on the Jeff Hardy “situation”, neglecting to tell us anything about law enforcement. Work much?

Survivor Series Rules Match: TEAM ETHNIC: HBK, Rey Mysterio, Cryme Tyme and The Great Khali vs. TEAM FREAKY SEXY MONEY: JBL, Kane, MVP, The Miz and John Morrison

Individual entrances, it would seem. No wonder we only have 6 matches on the card, this could take a while. You can say what you want about Rey, he connects so well with his fans. Merchandise machine. JBL is an enemy of the environment and does not carpool with the rest of his team. It also seems we have everyone on commentary. Hey, remember when JBL called MVP a Power Ranger? Looks like Rey starts with MVP. Striker makes a Captain and Tenille reference!

MVP starts strong with shots in the corner to Rey. Whip, Rey ducks a clothesline and hits a head scissors. One count for Rey. JTG is in and they double-team MVP with a low sandwich dropkick, which gets 2. MVP reverses a whip but drops his head and eats a couple of fists, but he shakes them off and hits the drive-by for 3! JTG is gone! MVP celebrates and KHALI JUDO CHOP! 1…2…3! MVP is gone! Kane is in and we get a rematch from that classic Wrestlemania bout. Khali takes control with ease and lays in some elbows in the corner. Kane fights back, GOOZLE! Khali fights it off, JUDO CHOP! Tag to Rey who hits the splash off Khali`s shoulders for the 3! Ownage! Morrison back in, they miss the double clothesline and get taken down by Shad! Shad kicks some ass, then hits a powerslam on Miz followed by a ridiculous dancing elbow for 2. Morrison distracts Shad, REALITY CHECK by Miz gets the 3! Michaels makes his first appearance in the match to grapple Morrison gets the tag and hits some shots for 2 more. Anaconda Vise variation applied by Morrison. Kip up by Morrison! He goes to the top rope and tries for the HBK elbow, but misses! Tag to Rey! Tag to Miz! Rey flies around with head scissors and hits a springboard dropkick to the back of Miz! Dial it up, 619! Splash by Rey, and Miz is gone! VINTAGE MISTERIO! JBL tags himself in and CLEANS Misterio`s clock. Elbow drop gets 2. “You can`t wrestle!” chant for JBL, who is working his scintillating offence on Rey. Tag to Morrison who hits a European uppercut and chokes Rey over the rope. Backbreaker by Morrison into a backstretch. Rey escapes and goes for the wheelbarrow bulldog but gets it reversed into a backbreaker by Morrison. Tag to JBL who applies an abdominal stretch! Striker namedrops Skandor Akbar! Tremendous. Rey escapes but JBL stays in control, whip chest first followed by a SICK boot to the back of Rey`s head. JBL perches Rey on top and lays in the shots to the back of Misterio, then goes up for a super back suplex! Rey fights it off and JBL falls! MOONSAULT PRESS by Rey! Didn’t catch all of it. Michaels is in! 5 moves of HBK Doom! JBL rolls away before he can hit the elbow, so Michaels hits a slingshot cross body to the outside! I smell double count out. No! Michaels makes it back in! JBL is counted out! HBK turns around, ducks Morison’s super kick and hits Sweet Chin Music for the win!

Winners: Team Ethnic (Michaels and Khali survive)

JR shills the Jeff Hardy situation some more. HHH is backstage with…Eve I guess? Anyway, she asks HHH for his opinion, and he plays diplomat. He seems pretty happy to have Kozlov one on one, but that’s natural I guess. Kozlov is big, bad, tough and undefeated, but he’s in uncharted water. He’s got butterflies, he’s got nerves, it’s his first WWE Championship match, and his first defeat. Cocky much?

Survivor Series Rules Match: TEAM RAW: Beth Phoenix, Kelly Kelly, Mickie James, Jillian Hall and Candice Michelle vs. TEAM SMACKDOWN: Michelle McCool, Victoria, Maria, Natalya, and Maryse

The SD girls certainly APPEAR to be a coherent unit. SANTINO~! Kelly Kelly looks imminently edible tonight.

Phoenix and McCool to start. Top wristlock by Beth, Michelle kip-ups out, but gets yanked down by the hair. BIG forearm by Beth, the exchange shots and Michelle gets a dropkick…of sorts. Tag to Maryse, who is not happy with Michelle and they get it on! Beth watches and smiles. Maria tags herself in, and gets lifted up by the throat. Maria reverses the beating in the corner and lays in some nice shots! Head scissors by Maria, Beth reverses into a front facelock. Kelly tags herself in with a sunset flip for 2, than a backslide for 1. Victoria tags herself in, huracanrana by Kelly for 3 and Victoria is gone! Maryse is in and she eats a rana for 2 only. Backbreaker by Maryse and Kelly is gone! Mickie James is in and takes control of Maryse. Charge to the corner, Maryse struggles to tag Michelle, single leg by Mickie and a jackknife cover, Michelle bridges out and they exchange near falls. Mutual admiration society time. Michelle with a boot to the gut and a whip, Mickie comes off the ropes with a forearm, Maria tries to break up the pin but hits Michelle! She’s pissed, Mickie hits the Mickie-DT and gets the 3! Mickie celebrates and gets rolled up by Maryse for 3! Candace is in with Natalya now. Slap by Natalya, she tries for the Sharpshooter and gets it! Candace fights for the ropes but can’t make it. Jillian breaks the hold, Natalya is distracted and Candace hits a spear for 3! Natalya is gone! Jillian is in and reverses a crucifix try into a Samoan drop! She’s not even Samoan!!! 2 count only. Whip and the handspring elbow by Jillian, but Maria gets the Victory Roll for the 3! Nice reversal. Candace in, she may have pulled a hammy there but hits a Northern Lights anyway for 3 on Maria! Maryse is alone now with Candace and Beth. Figure 4 variant by Maryse and Candace taps! Watch that injury report. Beth and Maryse alone now, BIG heel kick by Maryse for 2. Whip, Beth charges into Maryse’s elbow. Maryse tries for a cross body bet Beth catches her! Maryse slides out and gets a schoolgirl for 2! Glam Slam by Beth! 3 count and it’s over!

Winners: Team Raw (Beth Phoenix survives)

Todd is backstage with Matt Hardy, and now all of a sudden the incident was in his hotel room. WORK WORK WORK. He confirms that Jeff was hit in the back of the head with a blunt object. Like a chair maybe?

Casket Match: The Undertaker vs. The Big Show

Show is a touch afraid, it seems. That’s a new and novel approach. Nobody fears Taker. Taker’s entrance: 3 minutes 47 seconds from gong to starting bell.

Taker calls for the casket to open right away. They lock up and Show with some heavy body shots early. Show charges Taker who moves and tries to tip Show into the casket, but Show avoids it. Both men to the outside, and Show regains control. Taker gets whipped into the barricade. More body shots by Show, who then rams Taker’s head into the announce table. Shots to the back of Taker now, and Show is taking the monitors off one of the announce tables. Taker has a monitor and crowns Show with it! The first one missed but Show sold it anyway, the second looked better. Taker positions Show’s head on the table, climbs on the adjacent table and hits a leaping leg drop on Show’s head through the table! That was different. Repeated knees to the gut of Show, who is rolled back in. Arm wringer by Taker and headbutts to the shoulder of Show. Old School time! Show blocks it and hits a suplex. The crowd is SILENT. HUGE whip to the corner by Show, followed by a side slam. Show calls for the casket to be opened, Taker is rolled into the casket! Show calls for the refs to close the casket, but they won’t do it! Show has to close it, but he doesn’t want to touch the casket! He finally works up the courage and Taker blocks it! Taker fights his way out of the casket, ducks a couple of clotheslines and hits the leaping lariat! Running clothesline in the corner, Taker goes for a second but eats a huge back elbow by Show. Show is…going to the top??? Taker sits up and chokeslams Show off the middle rope! Taker calls for the casket now, and kicks Show in, but he’s too wobbly-logged to capitalize! Taker recovers and tries to shut the lid, but Show blocks! Show is out, Goozle! Chokeslam! Show is destroying the casket! Geez I was only kidding when I said he should do that! Big Show is leaving!!! Taker sits up! Sign in the audience: “Jeff Hardy please stay clean” Amen. Big Show tries to escape, but Taker’s POWERZ call forward a burning wall of fire, and it burns burns burns, the wall of fire. Show takes Taker down but TEH DRUIDZ are here with another casket! Taker is back up and gets some shots, but Show regains control and lifts the new casket on its edge before ramming Taker into it. He lifts it again and opens it, they exchange some shots and Show is teetering on the edge of the stage! He manages to avoid that plight but Taker whips him into the vertical casket, which falls and closes! New finish!

Winner: The Undertaker

Carlito and the Bella Twins are backstage with a GOBBLEDY GOOKER SIGHTING!! It’s the Boogeyman!!!!!!

Orton talks to his team, trying to psych them up. Cody thinks Orton being eliminated would be a good thing, which aggravates the captain.

Survivor Series Rules Match: TEAM BATISTA: Batista, CM Punk, Kofi Kingston, Matt Hardy and R-Truth vs. TEAM ORTON: Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes, Shelton Benjamin, William Regal and Mark Henry

One day, Batista is going to do his machine gun pose during the lull in his entrance theme. Orton gets a decent pop, they’re going to have to address that. Manu is accompanying Rhodes, and Regal is out with the very hot Layla. God bless me the things I would do to that woman. Henry is last out with the ever-awesome Tony Atlas and his sleeveless dress shirt. If I grow up I wanna be like Tony.

Bell rings, GO TO SLEEP on Regal! 3 count! NUMEROUS FUCKING PURCHASES! Layla throws her shoe at Punk!!! Benjamin in schoolboy for 2. Benjamin gets some early shots before eating a spin kick. Tag to Kofi who hits a flying forearm for 2. Front facelock by Kofi, he turns it into an arm wringer. Shelton backs Kofi to the corner whip by Benjamin is reversed and Kofi tries for a monkey flip, but Benjamin lands on his feet only to eat a ridiculous high dropkick from Kofi for 2. Forearm by Benjamin and Mark Henry is tagged in. Clubbing blows by Henry who tags in Cody, who has an arm drag turned into a monkey flip. Hardy in, shots to the gut followed by a back elbow and an elbow drop. R-Truth in now, double arm drag to Cody gets 2. Tag to Batista and Rhodes flees. Smart boy. Benjamin tags in and lays in some knee shots, Batista shrugs them off and levels Benjamin. Suplex by Batista and a cover gets 2. Shoulders in the corner and a tag to Matt Hardy who charges into a Benjamin elbow. Tag to Orton who gets whipped in and eats a bulldog from Hardy for 2. Body slam by Matt who goes up top and misses a moonsault. Tag to Henry who stomps on Hardy and slingshots him into the middle rope. Tag to Cody, he avoids a charging Matt in the corner and they each hit a clothesline. Both men down, they tag in Truth and Benjamin. R Truth reverses a beale into a rollup for 2, then hits a BIG heel kick for 2 more. R Truth does some dancing and some splits, hits the corkscrew forearm and tries for the axe kick, but Benjamin avoids it and hits Paydirt for 3 to eliminate Truth!! Kofi in with a high cross body for a quick 2! “The Jamaican getting high!” – Striker. Big dropkick by Kofi, leaping clothesline and the Bo! Bo! Bo! Legdrop gets 2. Did Striker just namedrop Cutty Ranks??? My God I’ve heard it all. Kofi lays in some right hands and gets nailed from behind by Henry, who tags in. Typical big-man offence, and Orton tags in. Orton Stomp! Kofi avoids the knee drop and hits a couple of forearms, but Randy holds the arm and hangs Kofi on the ropes gut first. Kofi hits a few shoulders from the outside but Randy catches one and hits the rope-assisted DDT for 3 and the elimination. Punk in immediately with kicks and a knee to the gut. Whip and a heel kick by Punk gets 2. Punk drops his head and gets booted, tag to Rhodes who hits a sweet dropkick followed by a drop toehold into a hammerlock. Punk elbows out, ducks an elbow and hits a Kevin von Erich cross body for 1. Spinning neckbreaker for 2 more. Running high knee bulldog combo gets 2 more. Punk elevated to the apron, he kicks Rhodes and goes up top but gets distracted by Manu long enough for Rhodes to throw him off the top and hit the DDT for 3. Hardy comes in and hits a side effect for 2. He tries another but Rhodes elbows out and tags Henry. Henry charges to the corner, misses and eats an elbow to the back of the head, followed by a Side Effect! 2 count only. Hardy to the middle rope, Henry catches him and makes him 2-dimensional for the 3 with the World’s Strongest Slam. Spear by Batista gets the 3! Benjamin in and Batista blocks Paydirt! Clothesline! Batista drops his head and gets kicked, but hits the spinebuster! Batista Bomb to Benjamin! 3 count and Benjamin is gone! Rhodes is in and gets a HUGE boot. Cody gets in a shot and goes up top but gets nailed and eats a powerslam. Manu on the apron, Batista gets distracted but gets Rhodes up for the Batista Bomb! No, tag to Orton! Bomb connects, Batista has the cover but Orton is legal…Batista turns right into an RKO for the 3 and we have winners!

Winners: Team Orton (Rhodes and Orton)

Kozlov says it doesn’t matter who he fights, he will become the champion. JR informs us that Jeff Hardy will NOT be able to compete. We then see a package hyping his participation in the match.

WWE Title Match: HHH © vs. Vladimir Kozlov vs. Jeff Hardy

I’m sure I’m not alone in expecting a Hardy appearance before the end of this match. Super special ring announcing time.

Kozlov with a waistlock takedown early. HHH fights up and gets a headlock takedown. Kozlov tries to throw HHH off but HHH blocks and retains the hold. The crowd seem pretty pissed at the lack of Hardy. Top wristlock by Kozlov, into a facelock. HHH turns into a hammerlock and wrestles Kozlov down to the mat. “We want Hardy!” – Boston. Nice counter by Kozlov into a firemans carry, but HHH regains control with the hammerlock. Kozlov pushes HHH to the corner but misses the shoulder block, HHH gets an armbar for control. Wow the crowd are shitting on this. High knee by HHH, charge and a corner splash, a second one by HHH. Kozlov reverses the whip but drops his head and eats the facebuster followed by a DDT. Punches by HHH get 2. Seriously? Whip to the corner, HHH charges to a boot by Kozlov and then hits the spinebuster. Kick wham Pedigree…countered! Battering Ram headbutt and both men are down. HHH with knees to the gut, Kozlov reverses a whip and HHH goes over the top to the outside! Kozlov follows and administers beatings. HHH gets thrown back in, he tries to catch Kozlov with a cross body (!!) but Kozlov catches him and hits a fall away slam for 2. Shoulders in the corner by Kozlov, traps the arms and hits some headbutts to the sternum. Running powerslam gets 2. Shades of the Bulldog! Rear wasitlock now, that deadly submission hold. HHH breaks the hold but gets headbutted to the kidney, then eats a backbreaker for 2. This is slow, but not bad. Another backbreaker by Kozlov gets 2, and he’s back to the hug. JR calls this a mat wrestling match. I call it slow. HHH with some rights to break the hold, but runs into a powerslam for 2 more. Back to the waistlock. Seriously guys? Come on, variety! Boston still wants Hardy. Again HHH breaks and again he gets headbutted to the back, followed by a belly-to-belly suplex. Kozlov stalks HHH, tries for a big headbutt in the corner but HHH moves and Kozlov catches turnbuckle. KICK WHAM PEDIGREE! Both men are down, and Vickie Guerrero is out! She has a huge grin on her face, she says He’s here…IT’S EDGE! BOSTON HAS GONE NUTS! BEARDED EDGE IS HERE! MIKE KNOX’S BABY BROTHER! Edge sets for the Spear, waiting for someone to get up… SPEAR to HHH! JEFF HARDY! BOSTON EXPLODES AGAIN!!!!! Hardy has a chair! Creams HHH! Creams Kozlov! Spear to Hardy by Edge! Edge covers HHH…1…2…3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Winner, and NEW WWE champion: Edge!

Edge and Vickie celebrate as HHH looks PISSED.

World Title Match: Chris Jericho © vs. John Cena

BRRRRRRRRRRRR Imma sue! Cena gets very few boos. Surprising. Cena’s new shirt is not bad, but AWA fans are going to hate it. Hmmm, 42 minutes to go and this is the last match. Finishing slightly early maybe?

Cena goes right for the FU but Jericho escapes to the outside. Lockup again, Jericho grabs a headlock and takes Cena down. Cena backs Jericho into the ropes and gets hit with a shoulder block. Cena to the outside and seems to be favoring the neck. This could be the start of some serious psychology. Cena flies back into the ring and explodes on Jericho, avoids a boot and hits the release fisherman’s suplex for 1. Drop toehold, he goes for the STF-U but Jericho escapes. Kick to the midsection by Jericho and he takes control with shots to the back of the head. Whip reversed and Cena takes Jericho’s head off with a clothesline. Body slam by Cena and an elbow drop gets 2. Whip to the corner, Cena charges but hits turnbuckle. Jericho with stomps to the head again. Boot to the gut by Cena and he hits the Throwback!! Cena thinks about going up for the Rocker Dropper but changes his mind and gets hit with a kick and a DDT by Jericho as he tries to come back in. Yes, there IS some psychology happening. Jericho is stalking Cena whose head is positioned by the post…BIG KICK to the head of Cena. The ref checks on Cena who is not moving, however the ref thinks Cena is fit to continue. Cena gets back into the ring at 9, but gets kicked in the head. He fights back but Jericho gains control by throwing Cena over the top. Jericho follows with a low dropkick to the head, then rams Cena to the steps. Slingshot splash to the back gets 2. Neck vise by Jericho now, Cena fights his way up and breaks the hold with pure strength. Cena off the ropes and goes for a flying shoulder tackle, but Jericho ducks and Cena hits hard. 2 count for Jericho. MASTERLOCK TIME! Cena backs Jericho into the corner to break the hold, he goes for a haymaker but Jericho avoids it and locks in the full nelson again. C’mon Jericho, Dragon Suplex! Awww, Cena breaks the hold again, elbows to Jericho who goes for the one-hand bulldog…blocked! Jericho hits the corner! Shoulder tackle by Cena! Blue Thunder countered into a bulldog by Jericho. Lionsault misses, Jericho lands on his feet but gets hit with the Blue Thunder powerbomb. It is not possible for Jericho to visually perceive Cena. Yes it is, he gets a double leg and applies the Walls of Jericho OLD SCHOOL style, all the pressure on the neck!!! MARK THE FUCK OUT! Great escape by Cena but he gets leveled with a clothesline. Jericho goes back to the Walls, the normal version this time. Cena is not really trying to escape, this looks wrong. OK now he’s fighting for the ropes and makes it. Jericho argues with the ref, then goes back after Cena but gets hit with a sudden FU! Both men are down! Cena crawls over for a cover but gets a 2 count only. Cena charges Jericho in the corner but eats a stiff elbow. Jericho climbs the ropes and takes Cena with him, both men perched on the outside of the middle rope, exchanging shots. Headbutt and Jericho goes down! Cena is on top, ROCKER DROPPER! FU try…NO! Codebreaker! Can he cover? 1…2…2.77! Jericho is incredulous!

Jericho stalks Cena and hits a big clothesline. Jericho stalking again, another big clothesline. Cena has sold everything so well tonight. Jericho is set again, possibly looking for a third…Drop toehold! STF-U! Saw that coming. Jericho is fighting for the ropes…Cena drags him back! Kick to the face by Cena! Small package by Jericho…1…2…NO! Cena stands up WITH JERICHO! FU!!! 1…2…3!! New champion!

Winner, and NEW World Champion: John Cena