The Dope on Smackdown 12.19.08

We open with the surreal visual of the WWE championship’s nameplate, and the belt is lowered to reveal the painted face of the man whose name now graces it. Oh, that would be Jeff Hardy, on the off chance you’re somehow reading this with no prior knowledge of what has occurred in the last six days. Jeff has only three words to share: “Here I come”. Whoa there fella, I know you’re excited about finally becoming WWE champion, but there are children watching.

We were live from Baltimore, MD with J.R. & Tazz and I still can’t believe Jeff Hardy won the WWE championship! I guess I should have seen the writing on the wall…

Jeff Hardy comes on down to the ring to enjoy a fireworks show amidst a torrential downpour of confetti. Jeff is the champ! Can you believe it? I still can’t!! Once the explosions and “Hardy!” chants die down, Jeff gets on the mic and addresses the fact that he is one of the least likely champions in recent memory, but now that he’s holding the gold, the WWE has changed for good. Jeff then cribs from this week’s lost edition on the Cheers ‘n Jeers, saying that his victory wasn’t just for him, but for fuck-ups and weirdoes the world over. Yes we can!

Edge marches down to the ring to spoil the celebration and to say that Jeff ain’t changed shit around here. Edge continues, saying that he’s better than Jeff and reiterating that he had nothing to do with the attack. Blah, blah, blah…Matt vs Edge tonight, blah, blah, blah…Jeff vs Kozlov later tonight. Jeff asks Edge if he’s done and then rudely delivers a Twist of Fate before he can answer.

R-Truth & Hurricane Helms vs Shelton Benjamin & MVP
R-Truth won a slammy? I didn’t know that! MVP gets caught with a roll-up for 2 and takes a pair of Truthy armdrags. Bodyslam! Helms gets the tag and comes off the second rope with an elbow. Hurricane stays on the attack but MVP punches him and puts him down with an STO. That is what that move is called, right? I mean, they call it that in the Smackdown games, but they have a tendency to totally fuck up move names, so let me know if that’s wrong. Ah, you know what? JR just called it a drop-toe-hold facebuster. I think I’ll go with that. Then again, J.R., wrestling hold authority though he may be, has also been know to fuck up move names on occasion. Holy useless tangent, Batman!

Shelton comes in just in time to get chopped and armdragged. R-tard tags in and hits a suplex. Damn, a bodyslam and a suplex, both delivered competently? Somebody’s trying to impress the higher ups. Truth charges and gets caught with a big Samoan drop. Shelton gets his stomp on and snapmares Truth into the turnbuckle before slapping on a chinlock. Truth gets out of it somehow, I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention, and Shelton misses his big corner splash. Benjamin tries to prevent the hot tag, but Truth DDTs him and the hot tag is successfully completed.

Helms runs in with some clotheslines and knocks MVP to the floor. Hurricane goes up top and hits a big cross body on Shelton but MVP breaks up the pin, causing R to run in and send him back to the floor. Shelton dumps Truth to the outside and then gets into a “battle of the backslide” with Helms. MVP runs in to give his partner the advantage, but the opposite ends up happening as his poorly timed kick hits Shelton in the back. Truth takes Porter out with a spinning corkscrew something, allowing Helms to hit an inverted unprettier type thing on Benjamin for the win.

Helms pinned Shelton
Fine, fast paced little opener that benefitted greatly from the absence of a lengthy face-in-peril segment. Seriously, those need to go. It’s almost 2010, time for a new tag match formula. But I’m so not trying to get into a rant about that so I’ll stop here and say the match was **

Vickie, Chavo and the lukewarm coffee he just brought her are in the back. Vickie forces Chavo to have a taste and slaps it out of his hand in mid sip. “I…said…HOT COFFEE!!!” Oh, put that on a fuckin’ t-shirt, please! An irate Edge runs in to bitch about the Hardy boys. Go tell Nancy Drew, dude. Or, wait, she was friends with them, wasn’t she? I’m not really sure what point I’m trying to make here. Ummm…I need drugs!

Festus w/Jesse vs John Morrison w/The Miz
They show a replay of M & M’s Festus fuck-withery from a few weeks ago, reminding me that I totally forgot to vote for that as spot of the year in the upcoming year end awards that you’ll be able to find right here, at 411mania. Thumbs up, cheap pop! Yes, kudos to Mr. Pibb and Faygo indeed. Holy shit, I think that may have just been the worst joke anybody will ever read on this site. Remember that when you’re voting for the best 411 writers. Or don’t. What am I doing? What is this rambling, unfunny nonsense filling up the page? Will it get cut before I post this later? If you’re reading this, then the answer is “no”.

Miz goes for the bell but Jesse takes him out and grabs it. Jesse, who is not an official timekeeper and thus has no business ringing the bell does it anyway, leaving Morrison to contend with the rabid retar…uh, developmentally challenged person. Hmmm, trying to be sensitive, but retard is just such a better word. Festus whups him but good and delivers a huge bodyslam. Morrison barely evades a corner charge and slides between his legs but gets caught with a retarded right hand anyway. Johnny boy brings him down throat first on the top rope and takes over with punches and kicks before locking on a seated full nelson. Festus stands up, breaks it and puts Morrison down with a shoulderblock. Slaps! Punches! Morrison goes for his fancy, rope assisted kick but Festus catches him and hits the retarded fallaway slam. Miz and Jesse start back up on the outside as Festus plants John with a face first drop. Jesse takes a swing at Miz with the bell and misses, hitting the ring post and causing the bell to be rung. Festus goes numb, allowing Morrison to hit the Moonlight Drive for the win.

Morrison pinned Festus
I’m really bored by Jesse & Festus when they’re in matches that don’t involve bell related shenanigans. Thankfully this wasn’t one of them and I had fun from start to finish, so, let’s say **3/4. Yes, yes, I’m sure that’s over-rating the match when you only take the actual wrestling into account, but I had fun watching it, so suck on it.

DX are “here” for yet another hilarious shill segment. Or at least, it would be hilarious if I wasn’t so bummed out by the knowledge that HBK is completely and utterly broke. Wait, why am I bummed out by that? I lost every single cent I had at a casino last weekend! Hey JBL, are you still hiring?

Some Chick is in the back with Matt Hardy and asks him…something. I don’t know, who cares, her questions are always stupid anyway. Matt says he’s happy that Jeff shut the critics up and he’ll kick Edge’s ass later and stuff. That bad feeling I’ve had lately that Matt is the perpetrator is worsening by the second.

ECW champ Matt Hardy vs Edge (non-title)
Lock ups and counters and go behind waistlocks,
arm wrenches, rope breaks, drop-toe-holds and headlocks,
a punch to the face, Edge tossed out of the ring,
these were a few of the match starting things…

Yeah, see that there? That’s why I hate Christmas music. I don’t even celebrate the fucker and I’ve got that shit stuck in my head. Speaking of Christmas, here comes Santa Claus with a commercial break. Go! Buy!! NOW!!!

Back from, with Hardy dodging a corner charge and catching Edge with an armdrag, which, moments later, becomes an armbar. Edge shoots Hardy into the ropes and has a knee waiting for his stomach upon return. Edge dumps Hardy to the floor and hits him with a baseball slide kick before coming out and tossing him shoulder first into the steel steps. Matt makes it back in before the 10 count, but gets his ass stomped and his arm fucked over in the ropes. Edge keeps up the assault, blocking Matt’s attempt to kick him from the corner by shoving him into the ropes and beating on him while he’s caught between them and slamming him back hard into the ring. That was straight outta Finlay’s playbook, which means of course, that it was great.

Edge slaps on an armlock and blocks a Side Effect attempt with an armbreaker. Nice. Matt tries to fight back but gets caught with another armbar takedown. Edge sends Hardy to the ropes for a big boot but Matt counters with a back suplex and follows with a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Hardy goes up and Edge follows to presumably deliver a back suplex, but an elbow to the face sends him crashing down and Matt hits a moonsault for another 2. Edge counters a Side Effect with a DDT attempt, but matt counters the counter with a Twist of Fate attempt. That gets countered to full nelson slam, which gets 2.

Edge flies off the top but gets caught with a boot to the gut and a Side Effect. The bearded Canadian gets his foot on the rope though, so Matt goes up. Edge dodges the elbow bat, and snags himself a roll-up, but Matt counters to a roll-up of his own. Both have the same idea as they hit the double clothesline, but neither stays down long. Matt makes it to a corner and Edge charges but a drop toe hold sees him hit the second turnbuckle face first. Matt goes for the Twist of Fate but Edge counters by chucking him shoulder first into the post and follows it with a match ending spear.

Edge pinned Matt
Great fuckin’ match! ***3/4

Zeke (A.K.A. Ezekial Jackson, A.K.A. THE Brian Kendrick’s bodyguard) w/ THE Brian Kendrick vs Carlito
(A.K.A. The afroed dildo) w/ Primo Colon
I must say, that is some Primo Colon that Carlito has backing him up. Oooh, I think the previous “worst joke ever written on this site” from earlier might have some competition now. Zeke, looking very Ahmed Johnson in his red get up, takes some shots from Carlito (Colon shots?) until he’s had enough and slams him into the corner. Zeke knees him in the tummy shoots him to the other corner and charges, but Carlito flips right over him and hits him with a dropkick. Zeke is barely fazed and plants him with a shoulderblock. Bearhug! Colon escapes but eats a clothesline and gets kicked out of the ring.

Brian tires to hit The Kendrick on him but Colon slips out of it and Primo runs over to kick some ass. Carlito brings Zeke throat first down on the top rope and goes up so he can hit a terrible, CCW style crossbody. Seriously, I don’t mean to get on Colon’s ass, and maybe Zeke is as much, if not more to blame, but that looked about as good as the crossbody Tabitha from Bewitched was doing on Hogan’s show. Carlito goes for the springboard back elbow but Zeke counters by hitting him in the back with a forearm and his release Uranage puts this one out it’s misery.

Zeke pinned Colon
Ewww, what’s that smell? Somebody needs to wipe a little better. Oh, wait, no! It was this match! 1/2*

Diva’s champ Michelle McCool comes out to no response. I mean, NO response. The audience is reacting as if no one has come out. Gee, I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that she’s still coming out to her good guy, er girl, er, person music and acting like a face despite all the heelish shit she’s been doing lately. Talk about hung out to dry. Anyway, she’s here to find out who the next number one contender is…

Maria vs Maryse: winner gets a title shot
Oh, this should be great. Maryse ducks Maria’s attempts to lock up and gets slapped in the face. Maria does some ground ‘n pound, and Maryse takes a powder. Maria follows but runs right into a clothesline and gets rolled back inside. Maryse puts the boots to her and hits her with a drop-toe-hold facebuster. Well, at least she was watching a good match from earlier and tryed to incorporate some of that stuff. 2! Forearm shots beget a crappy tilt-a-whirl backbreaker and a 2 count.

Maryse repeatedly slams Maria face first onto the mat and slaps on a camel toe clutch. Maria backs her into the corner and takes her down with a pair of clotheslines. Maryse charges and eats a back elbow, allowing Maria to fly off the top. Maryse ducks whatever it was Maria was trying to do and hits a DDT for the win.

Maryse pinned Maria
Wow! Thought Maria had that in the bag. I guess “The E” saw the error of their Maria pushing ways and gave the title shot to the slightly less crappy Maryse. The match was awful, naturally, but I was fully expecting to see the worst match of the year, so my expectations were surpassed at least. Kudos, ladies! DUD

Post match, Maryse gets in McCool’s face and gets slapped in hers. So, have they decided to just drop the Michelle McHeel thing? I can understand why, as there really aren’t any good face wrestlers for her to go through right now, but it seems a little late to change direction now.

MVP is chillin’ in the locker room when Mr. Kennedy plops down beside him. Haha! Kennedy has a moustache now! Yeah, just try and tell me that has nothing to do with my jeering of his soul patch a few weeks ago. Well, Kennedy might look like less of a douche, but I’d have more respect for him if he kept doin’ what he does in spite of my remarks. Man, I’m such a dick! Kennedy has some encouraging, albeit patronizing words for Porter and then yells his name in his face. If Ken is looking to reclaim the obnoxious, name yelling crown from Ziggler, this was a good start. “Mr. Kennedy!…Kennedy!” vs “I’m Dolph Ziggler! I’m DOLPH ZIGGLER!” is a war of words I am very much looking forward to.

Some Chick is now with Khali & Ranjin and we take a look at the Hall of Fame kiss between The Great one and Mae Young at Armaggeddon. Unlike when they replayed the JBL/Shawn shit on RAW, I’m totally happy about them showing this because I missed it the first time around. I was busy writing the Cheers ‘n Jeers *sniff*, not knowing that all my great work would end up *sob* being for nothing. Also, Mae Young gettin’ it on with Khali is much better than Shawn going to work for John, so they can replay this as much as they want with no complaints from me. Ranjin says that Khali fell in love with Mae, and while Some Chick is alright lookin’, she’s no Mae Young. I’d have to concur. So, now that Khali and Mae are in love, does this mean we can look forward to Mae giving birth to a foot or part of a torso or something? I have a feeling 2009 is going to be the year.

Vladimir Kozlov vs WWE champion Jeff Hardy (non-title, still can’t believe Jeff is champ)
Kozlov takes Jeff down arm first, but Jeff has a face kick waiting for him. Kozlov takes him down again and puts the squeeze on, but Jeff battles out of it and comes at him with some punches. A running forearm is countered with a shoulderblock and Kozlov drops the elbow before chucking Jeff to the outside. Vlad follows, but Jeff quickly runs back into the ring and nails him with a fancy, between-the-ropes fancy dropkick. Here come some commercials to remind you that you’d better run out and buy lots of shit ’cause it’s almost Christmas and lower than usual holiday retail sales make the baby Jesus cry.

Back from, with Vlad tossing Jeff shoulder first into the corner and following it with a pair of big knee smashes for 2. Kozlov slaps on an armlock-choke type thing. Jeff escapes and charges but gets caught with a big powerslam for 2. Vlad sinks in with an armbar and Jeff has absolutely nowhere to go. They stand and Jeff fights back, but Koz hooks the arms, does some ‘buttin and takes him down with a belly-to-belly. Koz slams him into the corner and misses a charge. Whisper in the Wind! Another one! Edge runs in and starts pounding away on Jeff, drawing the blatant DQ.

Jeff won via DQ
Smackdown’s streak of red-hot main event comes to a screeching halt with this one. Bad first match to showcase the new champ. I feel for Koz, ’cause his dominating, methodical style is solid and convincing but I don’t think it’ll ever get over with “The Universe”. **

Koz and Edge beat the shit out of him until Triple H comes out to make the save. Hunter? Not Matt? Hmm. Edge eats a Pedigree, and The Game turns his attentions to the Russian, pounding on him in and outside of the ring. Hunter retrieves his trusty sledgehammer, causing Kozlov to get the fuck outta dodge. Jeff goes up and hits a Swanton on Edge, and that’s our show!

The Dope:
Decent enough program, but a great Edge/ Matt match and Jeff’s celebration were the only things I’m going to remember later tonight. In fact, I can picture it now… I’ll be coming back here to respond to comments, skimming the recap and saying to myself “Carlito fought Zeke? Maria fought Maryse? Huh…I don’t remember that!”. And then I’ll skim the match recaps and go “Oh, yeah…those matches sucked ass!”.
And then I’ll wish I hadn’t remembered them. 2

4= Batman
3= Santa Claus
2= The baby Jesus
1= Nancy Drew