The Furious Flashbacks – WEW As Good As She Gets

I stand corrected; THIS is the worst wrestling show I’ve ever seen

5th January 2003 @ that big taping session they did in Dover, Delaware. I’ll be glad when its over. One good match doesn’t compensate for all the shitty shows with bad talent.

EARLIER We have a pre-taped bit in Goldfingers in Long Island. Hey, I wonder if they paid for that? It leads to softcore pornography. What doesn’t? Moving on and the theme music now has a rap bit that SUCKS. This company has remarkable skill at making something bad, even worse.

PROMO TIME – Eric Gargiulo opens the show in-ring. We’re interrupted by Becky (Bayless?) with the shocking news that Tara’s tits are fake. So she comes out to talk a bit before Sound Guy interrupts. What the fuck is this? Do they think this is an episode of Raw? Sound Guy objects to Tara saying she’s the best looking chick in the company and suggests “everyone” knows its Britney. His promo runs so long there’s a fucking CLIP in the middle of it. He leaves so Tara can run the town into the ground and get some heat going. Why would a heel interrupt a heel and run down a heel to big up a babyface? Seriously fellas, someone is smoking the crack. That’s the only explanation. Annie Social strolls in to tell Tara to shut it and when she doesn’t Annie decides to shut her up…WITH DANCING. Lil Davey Mae runs in to sloppily assault her. Barroom Barbie makes the save. Oh great, now they think its ECW. The fighting even looks sloppy. And we have a match? No. Barbie gets the mic and says it is SHE who has the bangingist body in WEW. Yeah, I think she probably does.

The Mae Family v Barroom Barbie

Papa starts and Barbie can’t get anywhere with that fat fuck. AWFUL attempts at wrestling follow. Papa tries to draw heat but the crowd is so bored/confused that he gets nothing. Barbie eventually figures out that the balls are the weak spot. Davey comes in but Sound Guy pushes him off the top (don’t ask; the one heel doesn’t like some of the other heels, it doesn’t really make much sense, although they’re probably aiming for ‘edgy’ ECW storylines). Barbie takes it with a Stunner. -** Barbie is hot but she sure can’t wrestle for shit. They moved her onto commentary only to discover she was even worse at that.

BACKSTAGE Davey Mae tries to get a promo done but before he hits point one Papa walks in and just screams at him. I actually know what he was trying to say but Papa never lets him get the point over. Fat and stupid and incompetent. What a winner, huh? He does coin a great line here saying he brought Davey into this world and he’ll take him out of it too. Shame he felt the need to just ruin Davey’s whole character to get himself over. Its not like anyone cares about either of them, luckily.

ELSEWHERE Riptide cuts a promo saying she fears nothing and nobody. She also doesn’t give a fuck. That “fuck” is bleeped and yet every other fuck on the show hasn’t. I just don’t get the policy on swearing. If they have one, someone should tell Annie Social who doesn’t have a vocabulary beyond it.

ELSEWHERE Tai Weed pretends to be a coat check girl and steals someone’s weed.

ELSEWHERE Riptide, who got changed quickly, is attacked by Amy Lee. A pull apart brawl follows.

Isis comes out to dance and get tips from the ringside fans. Gargiulo aside, Isis is the most useful person in this company.

Persephone w/BT Barnum v Psycho Bitch w/Lucky the Cripple

Persephone is quite dreadful. PB bumps her a few times. Both seconds are handicapped in case you wondered. BT is that other handicapped guy with an added circus ringmaster gimmick. Persephone works the leg! That doesn’t last as Persephone blows something or other and PB just grabs her and hits a suplex. Haha, Persephone goes for the same move again and blows it again. I think it was a crucifix. PB must have been working on the handspring elbow because she gets it done without falling over! PB would splash for the pin but BT breaks the pin. DQ? No. PB with a chokeslam but Persephone, who I’m beginning to think is completely useless, doesn’t jump for it. -*1/2.

POST MATCH BT slaps Psycho Bitch. That gets him laid out and he even has to run away from Lucky. Sad.

Riptide v Self Employed

SE is the name of the male tag team she’s facing. That would the second 2 guys Vs 1 girl match tonight. Sound Guy refers to them as part of the Ho Haters. Both of them suck. Riptide manages the crucifix but the dude just falls on his face. Nice one! As per usual I’m not comfortable watching two men beat up a woman. There’s something very wrong about it that WEW fails to see. The one dude is wearing a baseball hat. He’s wrestling in it. What a disrespectful jackass. Gargiulo stops off to mention the PWO don’t ever seem to turn up to these shows anymore. Is that because they can’t be bothered to drive to Delaware? This becomes a garbage match and its actually even more uncomfortable to watch. A man hitting a woman in the back of the head with an unprotected plunder shot is not something I ever want to see. For some reason this match just keeps trundling on. Like WEW think its essential for Riptide to wrestle a 10 minute+ match with these two idiots. The one of them starts no selling. What a joke. I assume these are just two guys they found on the street somewhere. Riptide crossbodies them both “through a table”. I assume that was the finish but no one told the ref. Riptide counters a double suplex into DDT’s for the best spot of the match and thankfully that finishes. -*. We might even get into positive snowflakes if this improvement continues. Horrible match. Total mess. What annoys me is they’ve got a good wrestler in Riptide so why is she in this shit match?

PROMO TIME – Whoever the Schoolgirl (they keep changing the person in the gimmick) says she’ll win the title tonight. Gargiulo reminds her she’s concussed and can’t wrestle. The sexy nurses clear her to wrestle. I think Becky Bayless is playing the part of the rumourmonger who keeps coming out and claiming she’s heard some locker room scuttlebutt. This was a weird segment because a) I didn’t know Britney/Missy was injured anyway and b) she gets eliminated somewhere in the middle of the battle royal and has no impact on the outcome whatsoever. So, why did this happen?

Sidenote: there have been various backstage porn segments but I’m just skipping over them. You get the drill. Its porn. If you’re not familiar with it and have an internet connection I’m sure you can rectify that in about 5 seconds.

Simply Luscious v Alexis Laree

Alright, an actual match! Seeing wrestling is a nice switch on this other shit but the timing isn’t great on the early armdrags. Its like the building is sucking the talent out of the ring. They counter and botch a neckbreaker. Uh oh. Luscious with a slap and we go to the CATFIGHT. Tara comes out to drag Isis out of the ring. Alexis goes to belt her but turns into the superkick and Luscious gets the pin. Oh man, they cut that too short. *. Too many mistakes for such a short match but it felt like they were building to something. The audible groans from the audience probably relate to this match getting about a third of the time of the previous one.

Mercedez v Ava

Ava is a man. He cuts a promo saying he’s been driving Mercedez to the shows. Again, with the man on woman stuff. Can they not find any decent women’s wrestlers? Shockingly, this is the sloppiest match on the card! And we’ve already been into negative stars THREE TIMES tonight. Every single move Mercedez does looks like shit. Every bump looks like shit. Everything. Gargiulo is having trouble calling it because its hard to make out what moves Mercedez is going for at times. Ava tries for a quebrada but misses completely and Mercedez finishes with a “powerbomb”. -**1/2.

Gargiulo explains that GI Ho had to go to Iraq so the belt is vacated. I bet she was fired. So we’ve got a battle royal to establish a new “undisputed” champion. Which means after 8 shows we’ve still never had a title change and we’re about to crown our 3rd champion.

BACKSTAGE Luscious bitches about Alexis not being able to “work”. Oh no, she’s shooting, cut the mic!

WEW Ho Rumble

Like a battle royal Rumble style but you can also be eliminated if your top comes off. Entrants every 30 seconds. When we get down to the Final Four it becomes a Strap Match. Feel free to steal this one, TNA. #1 is Amy Lee so she can abuse the crowd. She calls one of the fans “Jimmy Walker on crack”. #2 is Sound Guy? But he’s a man, baby! Amy gets the mic again to run the fans down, again, and Gargiulo, who she calls a bitch. #3 & #4 is Nurse T and Nurse D. #5 is Barroom Barbie. Sound Guy throws both nurses out. That allows the heels to double team Barbie. #6 is Mercedez. #7 is Psycho Bitch and the crowd chant her name! They got her over! So naturally she doesn’t even make the final four. #8 is Persephone. Gargiulo is rambling about a purple dildo. #9 is Self Employed, which is both of the ring crew who wrestled earlier. #10 is Riptide. No space in the ring at all now. Most of the dudes are just standing around. #11 is Simply Luscious. Most bad guys are teaming up on Psycho Bitch. #12 is Alexis Laree. Throw some of these assholes out, please? The actual wrestlers team up. #13 is Annie Social. One of the ring crew is thrown out by Alexis. #14 is Britney the Schoolgirl. No space out there. None at all. #15 is Kristy Kiss representing the PWO. What a mess out there. Kiss attacks Sound Guy thus destroying the Ho Haters-PWO alliance. Last girl in is Tai Weed. I missed Davey Mae coming out here. Amy throws Alexis out thus denying me any good title matches in the forthcoming weeks. Alexis pulls Luscious out and they brawl to the back. I guess Barbie went out at some point. Davey throws terrible forearms so Kiss throws him out and the rest of the ring gangs up on Psycho Bitch and she’s out.

FINAL FOUR: Kristy Kiss, Tai Weed, Amy Lee & Sound Guy. The proposed “strap match” seems to have been abandoned. Tai is the fans favourite. Kiss was the original champion but she was stripped of the belt because she won it by pinfall in a battle royal, which even WEW thought was bullshit. Sound Guy pulls Kiss’ top off so she’s gone. Tai is badly outnumbered and takes a nasty double clothesline. Sound Guy steps out to allow Amy to win (which is stupid, they should eliminate Tai first…also what happened to the straps?) Amy then submits Tai with a Camel (Toe) Clutch despite that finish being the same bullshit that caused the belt to be vacated the first time. Are you fucking kidding me? They can’t even book a battle royal for the title. -**.

POST MATCH The Mae’s run in, because that sets up a title match between…no one. Amy bails so Sound Guy gets stinkfaced. The ring crew pull him out so we end the show with FIVE men out there and no women!