The Name on the Marquee: Wrestlemania I

-For my first column, I decided to start with Vince McMahon’s mega-gamble of 1985, Wrestlemania I. (I figured anything with a roman numeral I in it would be a logical starting point for my efforts.) Vince had spent the entire previous year gobbling up regional territories, or failing that, their stars, and managed to attract mainstream media attention in the process. It was all building toward a national supercard to air on closed-circuit TV and pay-per-view (in the few markets where that was being treated as an experiment at the time). For all the hype and all the business that Vince had pulled in the previous year, the fact was that if this show didn’t live up to expectations, he was broke. 23 years later, he’s still firing people and showing his ass on national TV when the whim strikes him, and here’s why.

-This is from the 1997 VHS box set of Wrestlemania I-XIII, which means that it’s fairly close to the original, unedited live broadcast, with entrance themes left intact and all that good stuff.

-March 31, 1985 from MSG in NYC.

-Your announcers at ringside are Gorilla Monsoon & Jesse “The Body” Ventura.

-Howard Finkel greets the crowd, and then asks them to rise for the national anthem, sung by…Mean Gene Okerlund. Okay, this has bothered me for years; did somebody else cancel a scheduled appearance here?

OPENING MATCH: TITO SANTANA vs. THE EXECUTIONER
-The Executioner is a masked Playboy Buddy Rose, who had a pit stop in the WWF between his main event run in the Northwest and his tag team title run in the AWA. Those of you who remember him as an obese jobber will be shocked at the rationale here, but the feeling from the WWF bookers at this point was that Buddy was way too big a star to be losing in the opening match, so they put a mask on him to hide his identity.

Then they immediately torpedoed that by having him cut a pre-match promo where his voice gives away the fact that it’s Buddy Rose. Anyway…

Jesse reveals how easily impressed he is by saying that “Wrestlemania is living up to everything I expected it to be” before the bell even rings. Early criss-cross (and good GOD these are the loosest ropes I’ve ever seen; it looks like they’re in danger of falling out of the ring any second) leads to a back bodydrop from Tito, and it’s pretty much a Tito squash from this point forward. Executioner gets some token offense and there’s actually a story & psychology to it as Tito is on the comeback trail after having his leg broken by Greg Valentine. When Exebuddy finally gets some offense in, he targets the leg. He goes for a step-over toehold, but Tito makes a comeback with a Flair slam off the top rope. Splash is countered by Executioner. Neat spot with Executioner draping Tito’s leg over the bottom rope and dropping down to put all his weight on it, and Tito counters by using his free leg to shove him over the top rope, and Executioner lands perfectly seated onto an unoccupied chair. Not a mind-blower or anything, but it was interesting. Flying forearm follows, and Tito would normally finish it with that, but since he knows Greg Valentine is watching, he goes for a figure four and gets the submission at 4:50. Remember two sentences ago when I said Not a mind-blower or anything, but it was interesting? That’s pretty much the entire match. 1 for 1.

SPECIAL DELIVERY JONES vs. KING KONG BUNDY (with Jimmy Hart)
-SD actually cuts a promo! The most insightful thing he says is “Buy a hat!”, which is probably why he didn’t cut them very often. Bearhug, ram into the corner, avalanche, splash, pin. Bundy wins in 23 seconds, or “nine seconds” according to the official announcement. 1 for 2.

RICKY STEAMBOAT vs. MATT BORNE
-Steamboat is still a few months away from becoming “The Dragon,” and Matt Borne is still a few years away from being a dancing lumberjack. Guess whose career was more fulfilling. Borne was a jobber in this run with the WWF, which is an example of how it took them a few years to get Wrestlemania right. The biggest card of the year is 33% jobber matches? Collar-and-elbow leads to a Steamboat side-headlock. He shoves Borne into the ropes for a few leapfrogs, and getting back to the loose ropes I noted early, the spot they were going for gets bungled when Borne, simply bouncing off the ropes, gets tangled in them for a second. Steamboat goes back to the side headlock, Borne counters out of it, but Steamboat counters the counter and goes…back to the side headlock. Borne counters again, and this time Steamboat counters with an atomic drop…and a side headlock. What, was his original gimmick going to be Ricky “The Brisco” Steamboat? Borne comes back with a reverse atomic drop and an Irish whip, but Steamboat makes a comeback with some “karate” and a side headlock. The fans are starting to lose patience (“BOOOOORRRRR-IIIIIINNNGG!”). Borne comes back with a suplex, and they trade chops and punches. Steamboat wins that battle and then goes to a back suplex and a neckbreaker. History-making moment, as the neckbreaker leads Gorilla to break out “external occipital protuberance” for the first time ever on PPV. Top-rope bodypress gives Steamboat the win at 4:37. Disappointing effort, knowing that both guys were capable of more. 1 for 3.

DAVID SAMMARTINO (with Bruno Sammartino) vs. BRUTUS BEEFCAKE (with Johnny Valiant)
-David’s fate is pretty much sealed during the ring intros, as Daddy gets a standing O and David gets roughly a mixed reaction. David was doomed from the start, as his dad trained him with ultra-old school mentality, and his offense already seemed outdated in 1985. He also lacked his dad’s charisma, so he had a double whammy going for him. He lingered in the WWF for the better part of 1985 before quitting in spectacular fashion at a Spectrum show by emphatically submitting to a jobber’s resthold. Lots of mat wrestling to start, and of course Sammartino wins that battle (although Beefcake gets a nice takedown at one point). David finally decides that he wants to work the arm with an armbar and some kneedrops to the elbow. He stops and goes to his corner to get advice from Bruno. I bet Bruno said, “Keep doing stuff to his arm.” Beefcake goes for a side headlock, which officially means that at Wrestlemania I, Brutus was as good a worker as Ricky Steamboat. David gets a drop toehold and starts working Beefcake’s legs. Brutus totally no-sells, which doesn’t exactly help. So David isn’t much of a worker and Brutus isn’t much of a seller (he calmly adjusts his glove while David twists his leg at one point). Beefcake comes back with a series of power moves; really, his whole offense at this point in his career is incredibly weird; he seems to think he’s a foot taller and 150 pounds heavier, because he keeps doing “big man” stuff like clubbing forearms and exaggerated bodyslams. And he does it…very…very…slowly. Sammartino comes back and they trade blows. Sammartino whips Beefcake into the ropes and sticks out his foot; Beefcake catches the foot, lets it drop to the mat, and then grabs his stomach. Ugh. Beefcake sends him to the floor and Johnny Valiant attacks, drawing Sammartino, Sr.’s wrath, and it’s a brawl for the DDQ at 12:43. 1 for 4.

INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE: GREG “The Hammer” VALENTINE (champion, with Jimmy Hart) vs. JUNKYARD DOG
-This is another example of how it took them a while to get Wrestlemania booking right. The opening match established that Tito Santana wants to fight Greg for his title, and now Greg is defending the title against another guy with whom he has no actual issue. A whole lot of nothing happens to start. Stalling somehow leads to rolling headbutts, then a Valentine arm ringer and a forearm to the head, and it’s time to work the leg. Hey, David, watch closely as Greg sticks with it. A lot of stretching and twisting moves to damage it. When he actually goes for the hold, JYD kicks out and gets back to his feet, and whether you like JYD or not, I have to point out that he gets something right here: He hops around on one foot to move around the ring, and when he stands still, he’s standing on one foot. Contrast this to the usual “My leg is injured, oh, I’ve broken the hold, I feel better now” selling of…well, just about everybody. More headbutts and the Dog uses Greg’s time on the mat to walk off the injury, but Jimmy Hart hops on the apron. JYD sees Valentine coming and moves out of the way, and Jimmy actually takes the sickest bump of the show, landing right on the back of his head on the unprotected floor. JYD goes back on the offense, but Valentine goes to the eyes and gets a pin with his feet on the ropes. Tito comes to the ring and tells the referee, who restarts the match, but Greg refuses to get back in, and JYD gets the win via count-out at 7:05. Not much of a match, but I’m giving it a point just for JYD showing the correct way to sell an injury. 2 for 5.

TAG TEAM TITLE: MIKE ROTUNDO & BARRY WINDHAM (champions, with Captain Lou Albano) vs. NIKOLAI VOLKOFF & IRON SHIEK (with Classy Freddie Blassie)
-Pre-match promo wackiness sees Iron Sheik giving in his classic instruction, “Cameraman, zoom!” The babyfaces counter with Captain Lou cutting his promo with a can of beer in his hand the entire time. The fans pelt the heels with so much trash that it actually causes audio problems for Gorilla & Jesse briefly. Sheik plants Rotundo with a shoulderblock to start, and Rotundo counters with a hiptoss and a dropkick that completely misses. Windham tags in and dodges a double-team attempt, and Sheik ends up hitting a nice-looking dropkick on his partner. Volkoff tags in and Windham & Rotundo work the arm, but Volkoff makes the comeback with an assist from Shiek’s notorious boot. Sheik tags in and he trades suplexes with Rotundo, but Volkoff tags in and we officially have our designated Morton for this match. Sheik puts the boots to Rotundo and follows with an abdominal stretch, but Rotundo counters out and makes the tag. It turns into a pier sixer and during the confusion, Shiek drills Windham with Blassie’s cane, and it’s a totally unexpected title change at 6:55. Fast-paced, not much resting, everybody came there to work. That’s a point. 3 for 6. Blassie’s post-match counter to accusations of cheating: “I didn’t have no cane.” You’ve convinced me!

-Lord Alfred Hayes recaps the Andre/Studd feud without cue cards. “Studd says I am the champi—giant. And Andre the Giant says I am the giant.” Thanks, Alfred.

-Intermission time! Buy the official Wrestlemania program! Buy the official Wrestlemania poster! Make SD Jones proud and buy the official Wrestlemania hat! Fans of “The John Boy & Billy Big Show” will recognize the music here as the cue for news breaks.

$15,000 BODYSLAM MATCH: ANDRE THE GIANT vs. BIG JOHN STUDD (with Bobby Heenan)
-If Andre slams Studd, Studd has to pay $15,000 straight cash to Andre. If Studd slams Andre, Andre has to retire. Clubbing forearms from Studd, chops & headbutts from Andre. Andre with a lot of his offensive moves that don’t have names, like the spot where he forces his own knee and Studd’s head downward while ramming them together, and the spot where he has Studd in the corner and thrusts himself backward over and over again. Andre bearhugs Studd…and bearhugs him…and bearhugs him…and bearhugs him. More random moves from both guys, but then Andre shows a little bit of intelligence for the finish, kicking Studd’s legs over and over again, and after sufficiently weakening the legs, Andre calmly picks him up and slams him for the $15,000 at 5:53. 3 for 7.

WOMEN’S TITLE: LELANI KAI vs. WENDI RICHTER
-Cyndi Lauper says that Captain Lou Albano taught her how to be a manager. Better have a beer before you get to the ring then, Cyndi. A word about Wendi here…she was quite hot here (barring the 80s feathered hair and weird colors for mascara) and sure enough, we get the whistles from the crowd when she takes off her entrance jacket, but here’s the other side of Wendi’s character…she had a mantra that she would repeat over and over again about how a woman can get whatever she wants “if she believes in herself.” And that got her over huge with a crowd that didn’t normally get into wrestling. Contrast this with the current product, where women rebel against their boyfriends by posing naked and titles change hands in tubs of gravy, which doesn’t sell tickets and is forgotten the moment that the next match begins. Wendi was the best of both worlds…she was eye candy for the guys and she had a message that resonated with women and that made her a bona fide main event player. It didn’t even matter that she wasn’t that great a worker, it was that combination that drew the crowds. There’s not much to describe here other than the offense that you see in every other match involving two pupils of Fabulous Moolah (snap mares, hair pulling, and exaggerated forearm blows). It should also be noted that both women are graduates of the Iron Mike Sharpe School of Selling (“Arrgh!”) Blown finish sees Lelani get a flying bodypress that is very gradually reversed by Richter for the 3-count at 6:12. Bleh. 3 for 8.

-Post-match interview sees Gene Okerlund asking Cyndi, “Did Moolah give you any trouble?” And Cyndi helpfully explains, “No. I brought my towel because she’s bigger than me.” Well, that clears that up.

-Main event time! Guest ring announcer Billy Martin (who showed up drunk) gets through his duties with Howard Finkel’s help (You can hear Finkel cueing him throughout…”And now their opponents.” “AND NOW THEIR OPPONENTS!”). Liberace dances with the Rockettes, and Muhammad Ali waves a lot and lets Pat Patterson do most of the actual referee work.

HULK HOGAN & MISTER T (with Jimmy Snuka) vs. ROWDY RODDY PIPER & “Mr. Wonderful” PAUL ORNDORFF (with Cowboy Bob Orton)
-Piper & T start, and their stuff is more interesting now that it’s been established that these two guys GENUINELY disliked each other. They trade slaps, and attempt some mat wrestling, where T actually gets the upper hand. All hell eventually breaks loose and Ali runs in to clear Orton & Snuka out of the ring. The heels are upset enough that they decide to call it a night, but Hogan goads them into coming back, and Hogan is a one man wrecking crew. T comes in and does the same. Piper takes it to the floor and drills Hogan with a chair. Orndorff & Piper double-team Hogan in their corner. When it’s finally one on one, Orndorff gets a suplex. Piper tags in for a punch and a kneelift, and it’s back to double-teaming. Hogan finally gets the tag and now it’s T’s turn to eat a lot of double-team moves. T tries mat wrestling again, but this time Orndorff maintains the upper hand. Hogan tags in and THIS time the babyfaces make their comeback, but Orndorff suplexes to even things out. Bob Orton runs in for no reason, Snuka runs in to counter, and again all hell breaks loose. With Muhammad Ali & Pat Patterson sufficiently distracted, Orndorff puts Hogan in a full nelson and Orton comes off the top rope with the plaster cast, but Hogan moves and Orton KOs Orndorff. Hogan gets the academic pin for the victory at 13:13. Piper & Orton leave without Orndorff, and Hogan & T help him to his feet to lay the groundwork for that turn. 4 for 9.

-After that, the babyfaces and celebrities all take their bows.

-End credits, set to Axel Foley’s theme, which would have been far more appropriate for the opening titles montage than their inexplicable choice of “Easy Lover.”

And just because it’s my first column and I want to impress everybody, I thought I’d throw this in:

BONUS REVIEW! “THE WAR TO SETTLE THE SCORE”

-This was the live special that everybody expected to be the final confrontation between Piper & Hogan, but the WWF threw us a curve ball and instead used it to lay the groundwork for Wrestlemania.

-Originally aired on MTV, February 18, 1985.

-Hosted by Mean Gene Okerlund & Alan Hunter’s mullet.

-Great exchange from Alan & Gene to start:

GENE: Piper has gone further than just criticize a particular form of music. He has, uh…uh…uh…
ALAN: He hit a woman.
GENE: (Suddenly angry) Yes he did, Alan!

-They give us a very broad summary of Piper (he’s an evil man and he hates music) and Hogan (a patriot who “combines brute force with knowledge and the latest in wrestling science,” and my friend Nate throws his Ric Flair action figure at the screen). We start with a recap of the Hogan-Piper feud. Remember that episode of “The Simpsons” where they tell Lisa the story of her saxophone, but the story ends up being entirely about Bart? Same thing here. The saga between Hogan & Piper all started with an argument between Captain Lou Albano & Cyndi Lauper…

-Albano played Lauper’s father in the “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” video. A few weeks later, he takes full credit for Cyndi’s success in the music business, but Cyndi denies having any connection to him beyond the video. Captain Lou confronts her on Piper’s Pit and says “All women are slime,” and Cyndi loses it, hitting him with her purse, then ripping Piper’s shirt for no reason.

A few weeks later, Hot Rod goes on the road and conducts remote interviews in which Cyndi challenges Lou to a proxy fight and Lou & his boobs accept. Cyndi chooses Wendi Richter (up to that point, a heel with a cowgirl gimmick, who abruptly turned into a babyface rock & roll fanatic for this), and Lou chooses champion Fabulous Moolah. Cyndi takes Wendi to the gym for a strenuous workout, while Lou puts Moolah on a diet of high salt, high fat, and “unborn virgin goat’s milk.” Wendi wins on “The Brawl to Settle it All” special and ends the 28-year reign of Moolah.

Shortly thereafter, Captain Lou goes to a neurosurgeon and finds out that his erratic behavior is caused by a calcium build-up in his brain. (No, seriously, this is actually how the angle goes.) After getting the proper treatment, Lou apologizes to Cyndi. (Gene: “I haven’t been so surprised by a reconciliation since Hitler made up with Stalin in 1939.”) They team up for a fundraiser and collect $4 million for multiple sclerosis, which is weird, because you’d think they’d want to hold a fundraiser for the prevention of multiple sclerosis.

-At the December 1984 MSG show, Dick Clark (yes, Dick Clark!) presents Cyndi with a gold record with Captain Lou, Wendi, and Hulk present. Hogan stupidly leaves and Piper heads to the ring immediately and smashes the record and the frame over Lou’s head, just to annoy everybody. Cyndi drapes herself over him for protection, and Piper kicks her in the stomach (for the remainder of the special, this will be referred to by everybody as Piper kicking her “12 yards across the ring.” And Tony Schiavone shook his head and said, “Damn, that’s a little overboard.”) Then, to be a real jerk, Piper bodyslams Cyndi’s boyfriend. Hogan finally returns from the crapper or wherever he went to clear the ring, but Piper gets away.

-We get comments following the incident from Wendi, Cyndi, Captain Lou, Cyndi’s mom, Cyndi’s video director, Cyndi’s boyfriend, and Dick Clark. I would have marked out if they had shot a promo with Dick and Hulk Hogan in the Winner’s Circle (“Kicking a woman…smashing a gold record…attacking Cyndi’s boyfriend…” “Things to Avenge, brother!”), but it wasn’t meant to be.

-We get equal-time comments from Bobby Heenan, Paul Orndorff, and David “Getting Fired Almost at the Very Moment This was Airing” Schultz praising Piper for his actions.

-GLORIA STEINEM cuts a promo. Honest to God. And she gets the best line of the whole show, saying that Piper “is not fit to wear a skirt.”

-Jimmy Snuka and “Mr. Rock & Roll” himself, Bruno Sammartino, threaten Piper. Patti Smyth, Ted Nugent, Dee Snider offer their opinions. Ted Nugent’s contribution isn’t nearly as entertaining as you were probably hoping. He gives Piper a thumbs-down and that’s about it. He doesn’t unzip his fly and pull out a loaded crossbow or anything.

-We even get a few words from Mondale running mate Geraldine Ferraro. Great story about how they accomplished that…Vince dispatched a cameraman and an audio guy went to some political function in New York where Ferraro was appearing. They approached her and convinced her to look into the camera and say, “Roddy Piper, fight like a man!” They shot it, and as they’re putting away the equipment, she suddenly thinks to ask, “What did I say that for, exactly?” Instead of giving her a direct answer, the two crewmen simply hauled ass out of the building.

-We get a Hogan promo. The Hulkster mourns that “Dick Clark will never be the same!” and in a world without Gloria Steinem, that would have been the best line of the show.

-Piper finally gets around to challenging Hogan to a title match. Hogan accepts and the contract is signed on the set of Piper’s Pit.

-Alan Hunter worries that if Hogan loses, rock & roll fans will be so depressed that they will stop listening to music. Ironically, it ended up being MTV that depressed rock & roll fans so much that they stopped listening to music.

-More promos from Andy Taylor (of Duran Duran, not of Mayberry), Kenny Loggins, Peter Wolf, Dee Snider (uh, again), Greg “More People Remember Weird Al’s Parody Than Remember My Actual Song” Kihn, a bunch of pretentious music critics, and Handsome Dick Manitoba.

-At a TV taping, we get comments from Bobby Heenan (“I hate my MTV!”). Nikolai Volkoff says that in Russia, music has class and you can feel the notes; then he veers right into the anthem without even pausing. More comments from Iron Sheik, Mr. Fuji, Hillbilly Jim, Brutus Beefcake, Big John Studd, Dee Snider (What the hell, man?!), and Blackjack Mulligan. I can’t believe I’m saying this with everybody I have to pick from in this special but…Mulligan just doesn’t seem to fit in here. We get some crazy goodness from Little Richard, plus bonus comments from Peter Wolf and Greg Kihn.

-Biographies of both men. Roddy Piper’s rage is traced to the pollution in Glasgow’s water supply (Yep) and we get a Piper’s Pit highlight reel. Hogan reflects American honesty and likes music. You can almost hear the cartoon hearts fluttering out of Mean Gene’s head as he narrates this.

-We FINALLY go to ringside with Mean Gene and Gorilla Monsoon providing commentary. Your guest ring announcer is Bob Costas.

WORLD TITLE: HULK HOGAN (champion, with Cyndi Lauper, David Wolff, and Captain Lou Albano) vs. ROWDY RODDY PIPER (with Cowboy Bob Orton)
-It’s a special night, so Hot Rod comes to the ring with a full band of pipes. Piper is wearing a Hulkamania t-shirt and destroys a guitar for some last-second heat. Hogan comes to the ring and gets a pep talk from his close personal friend Mister T, sitting at ringside. Hogan gets into the ring and it’s immediately a fistfight. Hogan with a scientific rake of the eyes, and Piper is all “What’s up with that?” and retaliates with ground ‘n pound, 15 years before anybody knew what that was. Hogan fights back for an Irish whip and an elbow to the throat. Two scientific bodyslams and an elbowdrop, but Piper reverses with an Irish whip and a clothesline and tries for an early finish, but Hogan kicks out. Mean Gene is almost totally ignoring the match in favor of name-dropping celebrities in attendance. He has the balls to give a shout-out to Joe Piscopo almost an entire year after America forgot who he was. Two kicks to the head from Piper, followed by laying his palm over Hogan’s eyes, which Gorilla calls a “choke.” I think I’m starting to understand why you didn’t finish med school, Gorilla. More stomping and chops to the throat, and Piper goes in for the kill with a sleeper. The commentary gets REALLY stupid now, as Gorilla & Gene complain about the blatant chokehold, even as the referee is looking right at Piper and checking the arm. Hogan powers out and rams Piper into the corner, but Piper immediately blocks the comeback. Orton interferes, but Hogan smashes his slinged arm into the exposed metal part of the turnbuckle, and Orton became a legend by milking that for the rest of 1985. Hogan fires away at Piper while Orton signals for Paul Orndorff to come to ringside. A really fake-looking ref bump marks the turning point. Orndorff & Piper double-team Hogan, and Cyndi Lauper jumps 30 feet from the floor to the ring apron to stop them. Piper & Orndorff target her next, but Mister T leaps the railing to stop it and the heels refocus their double team efforts. Hogan finally makes it to his feet, Mister T makes it to his feet, and Piper & Orndorff are just kinda, “Eh, screw this” and walk out of the ring. Referees, guys in suits, and New York cops flood the ring for that extra touch of hellzapoppin’, and Hogan wins by DQ at 7:40. Match was crap, but since Vince McMahon is still in business 23 years later, it obviously served its purpose.

-As campy and silly as it was, this was a great way to present the match. Having only the main event on the show and preceding it with highlight packages and interviews gave it the feel of a really special match. The problem is it’s hard to build a feud that merits enough interest to do that kind of special very often.