The Tuesday Small-For-All News Report: 10.27.09

One of my good friends and loyal Smallophile, boxer Danny Jacobs, asked me to comment on last Wednesday’s wrestling-centric edition of South Park. As no surprise to most of you, I am an unabashed South Park fan and when I heard that they were doing a WWE episode, I was totally looking forward to it. Suffice to say, the episode was immensely satisfying and quite humorous. While I understand if people were disappointed that the writers did not attack wrestling as they do other topics (perhaps mention steroids, wrestler deaths, or even zombie Benoit), what the writers did parody was spot-on – wrestling is nothing more than a male soap opera to the tenth degree. And if we thought Katie Vick was an awful storyline, it had nothing on Bad Irene’s abortion addiction (which led to Butters stealing one of Irene’s fetuses). Throw in other great zingers including Juggernaut running away from responsibilities and not fights, Vince McMahon’s opera glasses, and of course, all the gay porn on the wrestling coach’s IPHONE, and this episode was a winner. But would you have expected anything less from me?

Speaking of expectations, I know that some of you were unhappy with the arrival of the Willie Aames malebag. While I did not go over as poor as Kurt Angle’s WWE run in 2001, it clearly was not the home run that many of you expected. So, in what will probably be the last time this will happen, I decided to take some advice from my loyal Smallophiles. And one of you had the greatest feedback I could have asked for. From my favorite openly gay reader Big Fat Fag :

I think you should switch the Willie Ames mailbag to the Paul Cohen mailbag.

But that wasn’t all. From J Edgar Hoover: Good idea. You could use a douche as the picture.

Now we are onto something. Ladies and gentleman, introducing THE Paul Cohen Malebag!!!

And how else to start off the first ever Paul Cohen Malebag than without an appearance from Paul Cohen himself! From two weeks ago:

Small. Is that your actual name or is it a reference to your pathetic excuse of manhood.
I had no intentions of using Fact or Fiction to make a name for myself. I used it for it’s purpose, expressing my opinion. Not my fault more people were stirred up by my opinions than yours.
The sad part is I waited for you to send me the email with the questions so that I would attempt to placate your ego for overshadowing you. Not only did you not post my answers properly, you attempted to make yourself look good in the process. I’ll continue to read your column for the useless piece of shit it is. Something to get nothing from. You ride everyone else’s work to make yourself look good. You have nothing original to bring to the party. Slimmer may only work sporadically, but at least the work he comes in with is his own.
The simple fact that you can’t spell douchebag (NOT DOUCEBAG) proves you are just as much of a whiny bitch as those who post in these stupid comments. I’m forced to respond here because I know you are too much of a pussy to respond to the email I would send. And we both know you’d never actually post what I write in your pathetic column.

Douche chill. Okay where do I begin? Um… eh… booyah… Actually, I really can’t be upset with this post as he states that he will continue to read my column. What else can I ask for except for possibly a Small-For-All thong (Made in the USA)? Thanks Paul for being a fan.

Bragging Rights Instant Access Feedback

In case you haven’t read the Bragging Rights Instant Access column from yesterday (it was hidden on the main page for a while), I suggest you take a look at it before reading the next couple of comments. But in case you decide not to read it, the gist is that a few people were unhappy with me for saying that “if you want to watch a PPV with a bunch of three star matches that will mean nothing in the long run, then this is your show.” Here are those unhappy people’s comments.

From Peep: “Slimmer and Small need to go away. Thy obviously know nothing about wrestling.”

From J-Stack: “You guys are nuts; I’m not a fan of either Cena OR Orton, but I *loved* that Iron Man match. And Slimmer, the middle segment with the pyro was surprisingly well-done in context. I can’t believe you guys only gave this three stars.”

To each their own I guess. Rob McNew, who loved the Iron Man Match, and I disagreed throughout the match (namely when Orton was boring the shit out of me around the 40 minute mark) as he loved the deliberate pace of Orton’s attacks while I thought they shot themselves in the foot by climaxing way too early (around 25 minutes in). Due to this, the match felt flat to my between the money shot o f pyrotechnics and Cena’s FU through the announce table. But hey, it’s just my opinion and the neat thing is if you loved the match, you could buy the DVD and watch it many times, and if you thought it was good like me, you don’t ever have to watch it again.

And look, I wasn’t the only one unimpressed:

PPV Name Changes

From Urinal Deuce (man, there’s a lot of SP references today), “I’m disapointed with the suggested name changes to Judgement Day. Is it too much to ask for a PPV event called Yapapappi Indian Stap Match?”

I searched for hours but cannot find a video of that quality promo. For those who missed it, Hulk Hogan was scheduled to have a Yapappai Indian Strap Match against Ric Flair at some PPV or something. And in order to sell the match, Hogan proceeds to cut the funniest promo I have ever heard. Seriously, I’m shocked no one thought he was on suicide watch at that time because he was definitely on something. For instance, here’s Hogan’s best advice for that match: “The main priority in the Yappapi Indian strap match is to get the body in the proper position for the strap-ation, dude!” Truer words cannot be spoken.

Oh and in case you were wondering how to pronounce Yapappi, here’s Mr. Hogan himself:

Slimmer’s Wall of Text Feedback

From Fists McPain: “Holy shit, Slimmer has a sense of humour and is actually kinda funny.. You’d best be careful Small.. Maybe some good old fashioned sabotaging next week?”

Darn tootin’. But knowing Slimmer, he will milk his WWE: The Movie idea for the next two months until it’s no longer funny. You just wait and see.

Fat Mickie James

Seems like a struck a chord last week with my Fat Mickie James piece. The fact of the matter is that last night, six WWE Divas had a perfectly acceptable six-women tag match. Notable name missing from the match: Mickie James. Yup, someone’s in the doghouse. Granted, CM Punk has been in and out of the doghouse so many times in the last few years and he’s done okay for himself. I’m not willing to write off Mickie yet but she best bring her working shoes if she intends to compete with the Diva Queen, Michelle McCool.

Seriously is there anything that Michelle McCool cannot do?

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Yes, yes…

They took our jobs!

WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In today’s Small-For-All News Report, we take a look at a few of Triple H’s favorite things, find out where Parts Unknown is, explain why the clock stopped during Sunday’s Iron Man Match, and explain why Wrestlemania = big money. Oh and if I can find a TNA newsbite in the next two hours, we shall cover that too.

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

Triple H’s Favorite Things

From Powerslam Magazine (which I subscribe to only for the articles), “Who do you regard as the next wave of headline-level talent in WWE?

The closest to me is probably Sheamus, because we always train together on the road. But I try to watch all the young guys’ matches and give them advice, if they want to hear it. If they take advice to heart and really want to improve, them I am wanting to help. As for seeing some of myself in someone? Thats tough. Sheamus just the other day showed up at a show he didn’t have to be at. He does whatever he’s asked to do without complaining, he goes to every show and is always wanting to work: he does it all, goes above and beyond. That’s what I was like.”

Woah, what happened to Drew McIntyre, Trips? Or is that only Shawn’s boy? And how dare you give CM Punk credit? I thought you’ve been burying him since he joined the roster. Triple H, why are you confusing me?

With that said, I must give Triple H some credit for wanting to help out and bring along certain wrestlers. Considering he’s getting up there in age and only a torn muscle away from retirement, the WWE needs to focus on the future. And Triple H’s mix of future stars (Punk, Swagger, Sheamus, Bourne, and Kingston) isn’t a shabby group at all. Of the five, it’s really not fair to count Punk, who’s already a main eventer. So of the four, it appears that Kingston is next, especially since he’s discovered he has mic skills. After Kingston, I would assume it’d be Swagger and then Sheamus. Pity Bourne – for he needs Jericho’s stilts.

In addition to his favorite new wrestlers, Triple H shared some insight on booking “new” stars. From the magazine:

You had competitive matches with Jeff Hardy on his journey to the top spot last year. But Booker T/King Booker was not afforded the same equality in his bouts with you at WrestleMania XIX or SummerSlam 2007. Is the amount of offence a wrestler is allowed dependent on his status?

Triple H: Yeah. Look, Shawn Michaels and I have just come back as DX and, on our first night back, we got the **** kicked out of us (by Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes on the August 17 Raw – Ed). It wasn’t Vince who suggested that; it was us. It’s about what’s right for the business, at the right time. Some people think we’re scheming all the time to improve our own situations. But the more people we make stars, the more money we all make, and everyone’s happy.”

Perhaps Triple H is just like a fine wine – getting better with age. I’d be interested to see Triple H with the book after he retires. He clearly has a good mind for the business and could possibly even help Sheamus get a tan.

Oh No, There Won’t Be Blood

From PWInsider, “During last night’s iron man match, John Cena was busted open after being hit by a microphone – this was not apparently a planned spot.

As the blood was unplanned, WWE decided to stop the clock during the bout as it wasn’t known how long the clean up operation on Cena would take.”

You know, blood used to play such a big role in the WWE. It’s a pity that it cannot be used even sparingly (like the piledriver) to promote feuds or show carnage in gimmick matches (like Hell in the Cell). Personally, I thought blood helped the brutality in the beginning of the Iron Man Match. It’s a hell more realistic than having Orton try to literally blow Cena up.

Oh and stopping the clock for any reason in an Iron Man match is pretty bushleague. It’s not like you can’t recoup those extra seconds during one of Orton’s stall sessions. It’s an Iron Man Match; there’s plenty of downtime in the match. Jeebus.

Big Money Mania

From WWE’s own Press Release, “World Wrestling Entertainment announced today that The 25th Anniversary of WrestleMania generated a $49.8 million dollar economic windfall for the greater Houston area, according to a study conducted by the Enigma Research Corporation. Despite one of the biggest economic downturns in recent history, local and state governments collected $5.7 million in taxes.

And nearly 71% of the fans were bored/disappointed with the Triple H vs. Randy Orton main event. With that said, it’s amazing how well the Wrestlemania sub-brand performs for the WWE. Even in a recession, the show exceeded most people’s buyrate predictions and generated a shit-ton of money for the city of Houston. That alone shocks me as I thought that Houston did a poor job promoting WrestleMania in their downtown area and was also shocked how empty the downtown area was during WrestleMania weekend. I guess a lot of people were too busy eating at Whataburger. Considering the success of this past year’s event, I, along with the WWE and the city of Glendale, AZ, fully believe that next year’s show will even be more of a success. Better destination, nicer weather, and a Wet N Wild nearby. What more could you need?

Biten’ Newsbites

Stolen from all your favorite sources:

Where’s Parts Unknown? Well according to Chris Jericho, it’s near Sheboygan, Wisconsin.

Honestly, I recommend the Self-Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior DVD just for Jericho and Christian’s imitations of the Ultimate Warrior.

Lance Cade has re-signed with the WWE.

Not surprising, really. It’s not the first time that the WWE has re-signed a talented individual that previously struggled with substance abuse. Let’s hope that Cade has his shit together as he could be an asset in the company. Not to mention Jericho’s next tag team partner.

Kofi Kingston is not Jamaican anymore as the WWE wants to market him without the accent.

Too bad Mike Adamle is not around anymore as he would have taken this to heart. For the time being, at least all of us can get Ghanarhea now.