News From Cook’s Corner 05.31.11: 51-100 of the Hot 100!

I don’t know why I keep ending sentences with exclamation points!

Today’s column is not going to be news-heavy, in fact we’re just doing the Malebag, the Raw Thoughts & half of the Hot 100 today. I mean, I could talk about Ric Flair having legal issues (there’s a shocker) or Tommy Dreamer being described by wrestling websites as a “big name” in 2011 (say what?), but does anybody really care about that? Nah. I like to slack off around my birthday, and it’s pretty fun. Now I know how it feels to be Stephen Randle. Feels pretty good, except I’ve got this nasty rash…

Let’s get one step closer…to DASHING!

best wwe rumor of the week: outside of rock vs cena for wm 28, vince has re-written all plans going forward… – Guest#0877

I just assume that Vince orders everything to be re-written every single week. It seems like a pretty safe guess.

Never could figure out how that could confuse anyone with even a tenth of a brain. After all, there are sentient/evolved primates (humans) in the world along with non-sentient/-evolved primates (apes and monkeys), with some of the latter even being pets for the former. Hardly a stretch that in the Disneyverse there’d be sentient and non-sentient versions of various species around, with some of the latter being domesticated. – The Ogre

That sounds suspiciously like the theory of evolution to me, Ogre. Listen, I happen to live not too far down I-275 from the Creation Museum, which tells us how Jesus was riding around on dinosaurs back in the day. We don’t take too kindly to your suggestion that we’re a bunch of stinkin’ apes. I find the following theory on Pluto a lot more likely than yours…

to answer your Pluto/Goofy question– Pluto could talk, was able to wear clothes etc… but him & Mickey had a really, really weird BDSM relationship. – Guest#0529

MAVS 2011 NBA CHAMPS(Hopefully over CHI and not the annoying Heat). – Still Guest#8287

I traditionally abstain from picking favorites in championships because I’m always wrong and fans of teams get mad at me for picking them. Both Dallas & Miami have been very impressive in the playoff season, and the key is…ah, who am I kidding. Go Mavs.

Before anybody asks, that’s the song that Dirk Nowitzki sings to himself while shooting free throws.

I too love the hate between the Reds and Cards and as long as neither team changes managers it will stay. Dusty and Tony were friends at one time but once Dusty took the Cubs job their teams have hated each other and it carried over to the Reds. Only thing I don’t like about the hate is it keeps me from taking just a little satisfaction in the job Walt has done building the Reds after the crappy way the Cards dumped him. Man how good is CM Punk? So good I forgive him for being from Chicago. He’s probably a Sox fan anyway. – gpjunk

Punk’s a Cubs fan, which explains a lot of his anger over the years. I find it hard to hate the Cubs because their games were always on WGN in the afternoons when I was a kid and Harry Caray was hilarious. Also, they never really contend to win anything so they’re not a threat. The Dusty/Tony issue is something that really needs to be dug into more by the media. The best part of the fight last year was that they were yelling and screaming at each other and had to be restrained.

I remember reading somewhere that Eve is into foot worship, so you may have a shot. – The TradeMark Experience

All I can say about that is I must be reading the wrong websites.

I miss your Tough Enough opinions. It’s been way better than Raw lately. I was happy to see the eliminations of The Girl with the World’s Most Annoying Voice and Lance Storm Jr this week. I was hoping Lawler Jr would win but him hurting his ankle blew it for him. I’m pulling for the Best Looking Guy in Kentucky over the Big Mopey Dude and the love child of Evan Bourne/Tyson Kidd. At least he has a distinct look, albeit one ugly mofo of a look. I think him and Luke are too small anyways. Oh wouldn’t it be nice to have a tag division in the E. – The Big Fat F*g

You lost me when you mentioned the Best Looking Guy in Kentucky. Last I checked I wasn’t on the show. I’m a week behind on the Tough Enough…I know the results each week so you didn’t spoil anything, but I’ve been a week behind since I missed an episode to watch a Reds game or get drunk or something. Probably a combination of those things. Tonight I watched the 30 for 30 show about Michael Jordan going to minor-league baseball before Raw. Those were some strange times.

A great man once wrote, “Song parodies do not work in print.” – Jim Rome

Romey, I didn’t like them much on your radio show either. In all seriousness, allow me to burn on something for a minute here. I first started listening to the Jim Rome Show during my high school years when I was doing nothing in the summer months, and I dug it. Rome had fresh takes, good smack, solid interviews and funny shit going on most days. I’ve listened to his act off and on since then, and I gotta say that he hasn’t done much for me in a long time. It’s got a lot to do with the fact that Rome spends most of his time burning on the following topics: Twitter, drinking gin, & horse racing.

Twitter: I don’t tweet. I have enough problems coming up with content for my columns, and my “real” life isn’t interesting enough to share with the unwashed masses. I get the appeal for famous people to get on there, talk shit and then delete it after people get pissed off, but it’s not my thing. Listening to somebody rambling on about how great Twitter is and how it’s a cultural revolution and all that jazz…does Rome own a piece of the Twitter empire or something? You think he’d have to with the amount of time he spends talking about it.

Gin: I don’t know anybody under the age of sixty that regularly drinks gin. Maybe occasionally I’ll chillax with a gin & tonic if I’m in a certain kind of mood, but gin is not a young person’s drink. Young people drink beer, jack & coke & tequila. I’m not down with tequila because nothing good ever happens when I drink it, but I’m all about the beer & the bourbon. That’s what the common folk drink at the bars, not the gin like Rome and his fellow millionaires roll with.

Horse racing: This is a little tough for me to say because my home state is the capital of horse racing and hosts the biggest horse race every single year. But the truth is that there’s only three reasons that a dude will go out to the track and watch horse racing:

-Gambling addiction
-Dollar beers
-Hot women

That’s the list! We all act like we care during the Triple Crown, but other than that horse racing is a complete non-factor in the sporting world to everybody except compulsive gamblers, drunks & guys trying to get laid.

I liked Rome better when his off-topic rants were about Bert & Ernie instead of Twitter.

That just kills me every time. On to the Raw Thoughts!

-Support the troops.

-Always a good sign when the show starts off with a black screen, R-Truth yelling about something with no sound, then returns to a black screen. What is this, WCW?

-Seriously, even TNA usually has sound for their crappy opening segments.

-Now we have audio & Cole & King, and after a few awkward seconds the audio matches the picture. Yikes.

-Maybe this is a sign from a higher power telling WWE not to give R-Truth opening promos.

-The audio gets messed up again. Good God, did the Raw production team go on a weekend bender?

-This is…something. It sounds like the old Radio WWF broadcasts that JR & Gorilla would host from the site of a PPV event.

-It’s downright inexcusable. I expect a lot more from WWE production than this. Is there a severe storm in the area or something?

-Well, they fixed it. But we’ve still got an R-Truth vs. Cena match later, so not everything is fixed.

-No Little Jimmys at ringside? Does that mean they’re sending all the kids home?

-I like the idea of having technical difficulties during all of R-Truth’s promos. The man’s trying to hold him down!

-Kofi vs. Dolph Part 95!

-King does not seem to have an appreciation for junk in a trunk. This surprises me.

-At least Dolph has his hair bleached again so I can recognize him.

-Cole notes that Dolph has Kofi scouted well. I’d hope so, they feuded on SmackDown for months!

-Dolph wins the non-title match! Crap, didn’t he do that all the time on SmackDown too? Good God, not again…

-What a ride for Del Rio! I’d have to work sixty years to be able to drive something like that. Yes, that makes me die a little inside.

-Ricardo makes a lot of sense.

-At least ADR’s nice enough to hope that Big Show gets well soon. That’s a good man right there.

-Bellas in cheetah print! Eve! Kelly!

-I hope you weren’t expecting wrestling analysis during that match. I was a wee bit distracted.

-I did notice that Referee Guido did a good job at being in the wrong place at the wrong time and not seeing the Bella switches. I’ve seen a lot of wrestling matches lately where the ref just watches stuff like that and does nothing about it.

-Alex Riley was jobbed in the WOTW voting this week. Good thing I was able to bump him up into an honorable mention slot.

-A-Ri’s new music sounds catchy. I thought it was a Skillet song at first, but then it went into something else.

-It is nice to see Cole back in the Miz cheerleader role instead of having his own feuds.

-If I was Riley, I wouldn’t stand with my back to the entranceway. It’s only a matter of time till Miz comes out, right?

-Woah, Cole said the “b” word!

-I like these Miz/Riley fight segments. Good, crazy brawling, and I like the fire that Riley’s shown the last couple weeks. I think this face thing suits him just fine, and it helps that Miz is Miz.

-Tony Chimel doing the Raw ring announcing tonight. It’d be funny if they switched ring announcers in the draft lottery.

-Punk vs. Mysterio Part 938!

-Rey’s gotta be wondering why his old buddy Batista is attacking him during this match.

-Punk wins! Take that dirt sheets!

-Jimmy Fallon’s still on the air? Who knew?

-Jim Ross calling you fat would have to be a career lowlight.

-Classy speech from Kharma.

-Not so much from the Bellas, who are pulling off the heel tandem promo better than LayCool did most weeks.

-We’ll enjoy the Bellas being around for a year, they might not be alive for the next Hot 100.

-At least they’re doing a different Obama press conference now.

-The line about Michelle wearing a Rey Mysterio mask was pretty funny.

-Swagger vs. Bourne Part 594!

-We got the “Bourne wins after getting beat up the whole match” version of this match, as opposed to the “Swagger beats up Bourne the whole match and wins” version.

-Thank goodness we can watch the R-Truth promo in its entirety now! Plus, it cuts into the Cena vs. R-Truth match. Win-win!

-Yay Chimel’s introduction of Cena! Too bad he can’t get his voice to crack on the “Cena” like it did on “Rated R Superstar”.

-Fans love them some Cena in Omaha.

-R-Truth wins via countout! More importantly he splashes a drink in the face of a plant fan!

-Not one of the better Raws of all time.

Welcome to the Second Annual News From Cook’s Corner Hot 100! This is our yearly attempt to rate the hundred hottest women in the wrestling world based on the following factors:

-Physical Appearance
-In-Ring Ability
-Verbal Competence
-Future Prospects
-Cook’s Insane Standards For Women

This list is based on the year that‘s elapsed since the last Hot 100…to paraphrase a baseball legend, we’re not here to talk about the past.

I’ve tried to make this feature as safe for work as I possibly could, but if you have a slow computer that takes awhile to load stuff, or if your workplace is really, really strict about what you’re looking at, I highly recommend you wait until you get home to read this. You have been warned.

And now, number one hundred through number fifty-one!

100. Lacey (26)

Hopefully Lacey will be eligible for inclusion next year. She barely made the requirements this year thanks to some Wrestlicious appearances. It’d be a shame to have this list without her on it.

99. Courtney Rush (NR)

The Ontario-based Courtney made her way to SHIMMER recently and makes the list via reader recommendation. I seem to be a fan of Canadian ladies.

98. Melanie Cruise (94)

Melanie recently had a tryout with TNA in their effort to try out everybody under the sun. It’s much appreciated, but I still wish they’d sign more useful people and less useless people.

97. Tina San Antonio (NR)

Tina works the Northeast a lot. I’m not sure whether she works in Texas or not.

96. Nikki the NY Knockout (NR)

I got an e-mail a couple of months back alerting me that Nikki had been saying some stuff on Facebook in regards to her day job. I don’t think that person did that in an attempt to get her on this list, but it worked out that way.

95. April Hunter (78)

April’s been kicking around the indies for a long time now, and it’s still really hard to find pictures of her with clothes on.

94. Hailey Hatred (NR)

Hailey is based in Ohio, trained with the HWA and has worked with various Northeast & Midwest promotions. She had a street fight with Sara Del Rey in JAPW that was very well-received.

93. Portia Perez (95)

Portia is still Ryan Byers’ favorite wrestler, and would do better in this list if I was sure she was over the age of 15.

92. Lorelei Lee (32)

Lorelei got a big push in Wrestlicious, but doesn’t seem to have done a lot else lately.

91. Amy Vitale (NR)

The Italian Princess of Wrestling is big in the Florida area, managing all sorts of people in all sorts of promotions there.

90. Cherry Bomb (76)

Cherry was recently rumored to be signed by WWE, but apparently that’s not happened. She’s been spending the past year in the indies & in Japan.

89. Amy Love (60)

Amy held the WXW Women’s Championship until very recently, losing it to a woman who will appear later in this list.

88. Jessicka Havok (NR)

Havok has been working the Northeast lately in an attempt to get more notoriety.

87. Raquel Diaz (NR)

Raquel is the daughter of Eddie & Vickie Guerrero, which shouldn’t make her entrance into the business very surprising.

86. Nikki Roxx (67)

Nikki made a one-match return to TNA recently, and is due for another one in a few months.

85. Eden Stiles (NR)

Eden is the new ring announcer on WWE SuperStars, which helps make it one of the best WWE internet-only shows.

84. Santana G (NR)

I’ll be honest, I completely forgot about Santana’s brief TNA stint where she was part of that weird Orlando Jordan angle, and only remembered her after finding a picture while looking up somebody else. Wish she’d stuck around longer and been involved in something else.

83. Allison Wonderland (47)

Another person that I hope is eligible next year…I have no idea if Allison is still in wrestling or not, but she was on a show within the last year.

82. Marti Belle (NR)

Marti’s been working the northeast for about five years now and is an excellent manager & worker that’s very good at getting cheers from the crowd.

81. Cat Power (46)

Cat hasn’t been in SHIMMER lately, but she still seems to be bouncing around the indies.

80. Kimberly (NR)

The current WXW women’s champion, Kimberly did have some brief TNA experience as a ring girl a few years back, but since then she’s been working to improve her craft in the indy scene.

79. Christina Crawford (NR)

The younger sister of Alicia Fox had an impressive showing on Tough Enough and seems to have some potential.

78. Sarah Knight (NR)
77. Brittani Knight (NR)

The Knight Dynasty is a British mother/daughter tag team. I can only assume that Sarah there was on the British version of Teen Mom.

76. Isis the Amazon (NR)

Isis missed out on her chance with WWE, and thus far hasn’t made it into TNA. It’ll probably happen soon enough, as promoters can make a lot of money off of a woman with her physical attributes.

75. Sassy Stephie (77)

Stephie is currently working the Northeast indy circuit, holding the WSU Spirit Championship.

74. Daizee Haze (51)

I’ve always liked Daizee‘s wrestling ability, but I keep getting these reports from people that see her in person saying that she’s way too skinny. Live reports matter in these things, I usually end up rating people a lot higher after seeing them in person.

73. Fabi Apache (44)

Fabi had a fairly uneventful year, but that’s pretty standard in AAA where angles seemingly never die.

72. Jessica James (NR)

If this was a “Cute 100”, Jessica would probably top the list. She is cute as a button.

71. Buggy (NR)

Greg DeMarco’s favorite West Coast-based lady wrestler makes the list. We usually seem to have dissimilar taste when it comes to the ladies, but Buggy seems pretty cool. Chick’s got potential.

70. Lucky O’Shea (NR)

Lucky’s another girl that’s big on the West Coast. The West Coast might give the Northeast a run for its money in indy chicks one of these days. Not now, but the buzz there seems to be growing.

69. Tammy Sytch (82)

Tammy was looking really good for that Hall of Fame induction, good enough to make this list by a comfortable margin.

68. Brittney Savage (75)

Brittney works under a couple of different names, and has some right-wing political beliefs in Lucha Libre USA,

67. Jillian Hall (42)

Jillian is returning to wrestling very soon, and there’s always room on the list for somebody wearing a Louisville jersey.

66. Angela Fong (68)

Angela was in WWE as Savannah, but got released. Tis a shame.

65. Jamie (71)

CM Punk once referred to Jamie as a “little boy robot”. I don’t know what kind of boys the Punker sees roaming around Chicago.

64. Nicole Matthews (45)

Nicole is a good example of somebody who needs more pictures available online. I have a feeling that I’d rate her a good bit higher if the pictures weren’t the same ones I saw last year.

63. Aksana (65)

Aksana did a pretty decent job entertainmenting us in Season 3 of NXT, but has not been seen in WWE since her elimination. It’s a shame that she didn’t stick with the whole Goldust marriage thing.

62. Lizzy Valentine (61)

I’d love to see a reunion with Lizzy & her boyfriend from Wrestling Society X, Evan Bourne. I doubt it’ll happen, but it’d be fun.

61. Rachel Summerlynn (96)

The first time I saw Rachel was in a deathmatch she had with Mickie Knuckles. For the record, I hate watching women in deathmatches. But I do have a lot of respect for the girls willing to do them, and she is one tough cookie. Good worker, too.

60. Rebecca Knox (NR)

The K-Nox Revolution has returned to pro wrestling, and we here at 411 couldn’t be happier about it.

59. Alicia Fox (55)

The Undefined Divas Champion hasn’t done a lot since cutting that ill-fated promo.

58. Traci Brooks (25)

Traci made a one night only return to TNA that was very well received by the Impact Zone & Internet fans. So of course they didn’t bring her back after that. Vintage TNA!

57. Natalya (66)

Natalya has taken AJ & Kaitlyn under her wing. Well, she did manage DH Smith & Tyson Kidd to the Tag Team Titles and neither of those guys have done anything of note since leaving her behind, so maybe she can do something good with the NXT BFFs.

56. Naomi (NR)

Naomi has continually improved her in-ring performance since entering FCW less than two years ago. I think she’s going to be really good, but it’s going to take a little more time for her to get there.

55. Amber O’Neal (32)

Amber would be a lot higher on this list if I could find a picture that didn’t feature a farm animal.

54. Angelina Love (30)

Note to Winter: Listen, I don’t get this whole thing where you’re drugging Angelina up all the time. Nobody else in TNA seems to be concerned about it so maybe I shouldn‘t care, but could you at least let her eat some food? That tummy’s getting a little scary looking from where I sit.

53. Dixie Carter (NR)

Dixie’s a very attractive girl, but it’s hard not to hold the fact that she runs TNA against her.

52. Shelly Martinez (50)

Thank goodness Shelly appeared on an NWA Hollywood show this year, I was afraid that she wouldn’t make the cut this year. There are a few peeps from last year that are unable to be on the list this year…the highest rated was Maria Kanellis, but the one I’m most disappointed about is Rayna Von Tosh. Girl looked like she had potential and she was absolutely smoking hot, but apparently wrestling wasn’t the thing for her. How disappointing.

51. Neveah (28)

Neveah used to be part of a successful tag team with the girl known in TNA as Madison Rayne. Madison’s gone on to bigger and better things, while Neveah…well, she was on Wrestlicious.

Kirk presented the first solo edition of the Sandwich. Acero did the SmackDown Rs. It was way too nice not having to worry about doing these things.

If the All The Kings Men series continues, I demand a picture of The Hoff next to my name every week.

DeMarco presented a two-part Buy or Sell, the first part of which featured your humble correspondent.

Bazar counts down the BIGGEST FREE-AGENT SIGNINGS IN THE HISTORY OF TNA!

Fact or Fiction featured the long-awaited return of Chris Lansdell to 411. One of the great things about the 411 pod cast is now I know what Lansdell sounds like, and his writing’s even better if you can read it in his voice. Unfortunately for me, my writing is even worse now that people can read my work in my voice.

Well, that’s all we have time for this week! Join me tomorrow for the Top 50 of the Hot 100, and feel free to chime in below with what you think the list might look like, and of course your take on the list so far! Until then…