wrestling / Columns
The Wrestling News Experience: 01.30.12
Monday, January 30th, 2012
From 411Mania’s Canadian offices in Kitchener, Ontario, Canada, this is The Wrestling News Experience, with Stephen Randle!
Nominated For Zero Academy Awards
Good morning, everyone, and welcome to the Experience. I’m Stephen Randle, and it should go without saying that I’m very interested in The Grey, the latest in a series of movies where Liam Neeson travels to exotic locations and beats the crap out of someone. I believe this time he takes on bears and wolves because they’ve run out of people willing to fight him.
What am I doing still monologuing? It’s time for the Rumble!
Acero had the live coverage. I may have jotted down a few thoughts while I watched.
Wait, we’re starting with the Steel Cage match? I sense Henry might not be heavily involved in the action here. When you hurt yourself so badly they can’t actually film a finish to your match and have to say you got counted out during the commercial, that’s not something you just shake off.
I don’t know whose kids those were that Show knows their daddy, but that little girl knew she was never going to be more famous than those five seconds.
And I’m right, as Henry goes down early and we’re essentially watching Show vs Bryan with Henry laying on the mat in the corner, rising occasionally to perform some perfunctory offense, take a big move and go down again.
Well…that was sudden…and odd…
Daniel Bryan defeated The Big Show and Mark Henry in a Steel Cage Match to retain the World Heavyweight title by escaping the cage
TWNE Rating: **1/2 – What we got was good, but it was way too short, was essentially a one-on-one match disguised as a triple threat, and the ending seemed like it came out of nowhere. I’d half think it was botched, but all the tech guys were clearly cued for him to fall, as his music hit right as soon as he did. Henry’s injury clearly did this match no favours at all.
Oh good, a promo package for John Cena to emphasize how awesome he is despite people not liking him. We get it, now they want us to boo him. Why would we start doing what they want now?
Oh, my God, it’s the Women’s Champion! She does exist!
Does anyone else get the feeling that this match got added when they presumably had to cut the time on the World title match because of Henry’s injury? I’d like to believe that’s at least a possibility.
And the commentary misses the Bella switch because they’re too busy talking about…something else. Like I was paying attention. Although clearly I was paying more attention than they were.
And Kelly Kelly gets the heatless tag!
No, wait, now they’re booing her.
I’d keep a running tally of blown spots but it got ridiculous near the end when you had Kelly and a random Bella blowing the same spot four times to set up the finish.
Well, at least I didn’t expect the result.
Beth Phoenix, Natalya, and The Bella Twins defeated Kelly Kelly, Tamina, Eve, and Alicia Fox (Beth pinned Kelly, Glam Slam)
TWNE Rating: * – Mostly because they acknowledged that there is, indeed, a Divas Champion and even let her win the match.
Nice, Zack Ryder manages to say his catchphrase angrily and instantly be the best actor in the room. It’s a low bar, since he was competing with Eve and Johnny Ace, but at least he cleared it. Second-best actor, of course, goes to the nameless guy pushing Ryder’s wheelchair.
Ha, someone blew Kane’s entrance cue so he just kind of…stands there until the music hits.
Oh no, Kane’s got Cena’s nose! The most deadliest move ever performed by your uncle during the holidays when you were six!
Shoot, please don’t do a double countout finish. Yep, Jerry just telegraphed it by mentioning the count.
John Cena and Kane went to a DCOR
TWNE Rating: *** – Would have gone ½* higher for any other finish, but double countouts are the suckiest finish that ever sucked. The match itself was what you’d expect from two veterans known for safe, standard, in-ring action. They aren’t going to go too crazy with dangerous spots when Cena has a big date in two months, but the action was pretty good while it lasted.
By some strange coincidence that only ever happens in wrestling, they brawl by Zack’s dressing room! And now Kane has Zack’s nose too! It’s like See No Evil, only he collects noses instead of eyes!
Oh, yeah, spoiler alert there for the vast majority of people who never saw See No Evil. Don’t bother, it’s horrible.
Eve tries to save Zack with the power of “no man on woman violence in WWE”, but I don’t think it’s as effective a defense as she thinks it is.
Well, maybe now Zack actually has that broken back they were talking about.
Tell me we’re not going to waste PPV time with another drawn out stretcher job. If we have to watch this for ten minutes and then a B.A. Star commercial afterwards, I may fly to St. Louis and choke out all sixteen members of WWE Creative by grabbing their noses.
All right, I was just kidding, but guess what commercial they ran after that segment?
Hey, for the six people who don’t know who The Rock is, here’s a video package. Also, welcome to Earth, alien conquerors!
Um…okay, so we’re getting a Drew McIntyre match! I can’t believe they didn’t promote this ahead of time!
Well, he’s doomed.
Green was a bad idea for Clay’s new outfit. He looks like a giant mutant leprechaun.
Brodus Clay defeated Drew McIntyre (pinfall, What The Funk?)
TWNE Rating: NR – You can’t in good conscience expect me to give that a real rating. For starters, I’d be tempted to give it at least four stars just for the entrance. And that would ruin the sanctity of star ratings forever, so I can’t in good conscience allow it.
Okay, so after all that, Johnny Ace makes himself the “outside referee” and we get a normal ref instead. That’s going to screw up a bunch of predictions, I’d imagine.
Hyperbole of the Night: Booker T claims that the continued presence of Johnny Ace might, and I quote, “kill the business”. That’s probably going a little far, but at least now we know who to blame!
Punk steals DDP’s rotation powerbomb! Swank!
Of course. A ref bump. How did I not see that coming. I mean, seriously, I’ve been watching wrestling for longer than five minutes, after all.
Wow, nice counter of the GTS into a Rocker Dropper.
Well, that was unnecessary.
CM Punk defeated Dolph Ziggler to retain the WWE title (pinfal, GTS)
TWNE Rating: **** – Everything between the ref bump and when the match got back on track leading to the finish was stupid, and so was “Johnny Ace counts the pin to prove he’s fair somehow”, but it should be no shock that Punk and Ziggler brought the goods to this matchup. Ziggler will wear a World title before 2012 ends, that’s a guarantee. And then I’ll actually be able to count him as a World champion, because I refuse to recognize the phantom reign from last February. Yes, I can do that.
Anyone else noticed that the percentage of Rumble winners who went on to win the title at Mania has steadily gone down since they started running that “By The Numbers” video?
The Royal Rumble Match
Order of Entry
1. The Miz
2. Alex Riley
3. R-Truth
4. Cody Rhodes
5. Justin Gabriel
6. Primo
7. Mick Foley
8. Ricardo Rodriguez
9. Santino Marella
10. Epico
11. Kofi Kingston
12. Jerry Lawler
13. Ezekiel Jackson
14. Jinder Mahal
15. The Great Khali
16. Hunico
17. Booker T
18. Dolph Ziggler
19. Hacksaw Jim Duggan
20. Michael Cole
21. Kharma
22. Sheamus
23. Road Dogg Jesse James
24. Jey Uso
25. Jack Swagger
26. Wade Barrett
27. David Otunga
28. Randy Orton
29. Chris Jericho
30. The Big Show
Order of Elimination
1. Alex Riley by Miz
2. R-Truth by Miz
3. Primo by Foley
4. Gabriel by Ricardo and Foley
5. Ricardo by Santino
6. Epico by Foley
7. Santino by Foley
8. Foley by Rhodes
9. Lawler by Rhodes
10. Mahal by Khali
11. Jackson by Khali
12. Hacksaw by Rhodes
13 and 14. Khali and Booker by Rhodes and Miz
15. Cole by Kharma
16. Hunico by Kharma
17. Kharma by Ziggler
18. Kingston by Sheamus
19. Road Dogg by Barrett
20. Jey Uso by Orton
21. Barrett by Orton
22. Otunga by Jericho
23. Swagger by Sheamus
24 and 25. Miz and Rhodes by Show
26. Ziggler by Show
27. Show by Orton
28. Orton by Jericho
29. Jericho by Sheamus
WINNER: Sheamus
TWNE Rating: ***3/4 – Well-paced, not really any dead spots, and the comedy segment was nicely separated from the serious part. I have issues with Miz and Rhodes coming in so early and lasting so long, but not a huge one, because of the larger issue, which is that this was a seriously lacking Rumble in terms of guys who realistically were going to win, especially once Miz was #1, which we knew going in. Of the 30 participants, I only gave Orton, Jericho, and Sheamus any shot of winning, and probably that was the sentiment of most people. Two of those guys didn’t come in until 28 and 29. However, the end segment between Jericho and Sheamus made up for some of the lack, and they got the crowd into it to where they were thrilled to see the Celtic Warrior take it. Hey, I told you. I told you for weeks he was the dark horse pick to win. You all heard me tell you.
Real-Time Rumble Thoughts
If they had really wanted to start it off hot, that totally would have been John Morrison at #2.
Gee, good thing Truth won that match or he would have gotten a horrible number. Or course, #3 has just as many winners that WWE is willing to acknowledge exist as #1.
Oh, crap, as Truth pulls Miz out to the floor and levels him, I bet I know how Miz is surviving the whole match. Bet you do too.
Are you kidding me? Ricardo? This must be what they meant by “every Superstar is eligible”. And he’s a babyface!
I would entirely pay to watch the wacky adventures of Mick Foley and Ricardo Rodriguez. And Santino.
Oh lord…Socko vs Cobra! The power will destroy us all!
Ah, I see, they just wanted Miz out of the way for the comedy segment.
And Kofi debuts his Riddler outfit!
Wait, Lawler? Well, at least he outlasted his four-second outing. Not by much, though.
Well, when you need someone to eliminate the power that is Jinder Mahal, of course you call The Great Khali.
Sad, the crowd’s just dead because even they know we haven’t hit the guys who have a chance to win yet.
How did Cole not notice that Booker was wearing his wrestling tights under the table? I mean, at least Lawler always wears his.
I swear I just saw Kofi do a handstand and walk over to the steps to avoid elimination. But that would be crazy and awesome, so…
I’d say Ziggler breaks the “loser” barrier, but I don’t think he’s got a chance either.
Are you serious, bro?
Are you serious, bro, part two, the return?
So she had to be at least two months pregnant when she left. Or she had the baby really premature.
Wow, Dolph let her hit the Implant Buster on him. That’s crazy.
Geez, talk about a nostalgia Rumble here. Duggan, Foley, Booker, Road Dogg…who else we got?
You mean after all those remixes of The Corre’s entrance music, they just gave up and gave Barrett a new theme?
It’s Jericho! And he is…going to wrestle! Huzzah!
Damn, I was sure Christian would return. Ah well.
Hmm, I guessed #2, #30 and the winner wrong, plus my number in the pool was wasted on Otunga, and yet I don’t entirely mind. We’ve got Jericho and my dark horse pick as the final two!
So, who do you think took Henry’s presumed spot in the Rumble? My money’s on the Uso.
Last night, it was The Celtic Warrior Sheamus who emerged victorious from the Royal Rumble match! Sheamus has guaranteed himself a WWE or World title shot at WrestleMania XXVIII, the only question now is, which title does he want to challenge for?
Also, with his job in jeopardy, Johnny Ace did everything in his power last night to appear fair and balanced, and the end result was that CM Punk retained the WWE Title against Dolph Ziggler. However, Punk was less than thrilled with Ace’s involvement in the match, and one can’t help but feel that it won’t be enough to save the interim Raw GM’s job. But that’s up to WWE COO HHH, who will make that call tonight!
Plus, in the fight for John Cena’s soul, the winner was again inconclusive, as Cena and Kane brawled to a double countout, followed by Kane once again attacking Zack Ryder and leaving both Ryder and Cena laying in the ring. Can Cena ever manage to overcome the newfound power of Kane? And will he accept his role in the continuing parade of misfortune that has befallen his best friend Ryder?
And in a big shock, Kharma returned last night as part of the Royal Rumble match, and one has to imagine that after over half a year away from the ring, she’ll be rested and ready to destroy the Divas division.
All this and more fallout from the Rumble, tonight on Raw!
Not That I Particularly Miss It, But…
Okay, so, I wrote most of this before the Rumble aired and Kharma returned, which will hopefully make what I wrote here a moo point*. But I still think it’s pretty relevant even in the face of the return of the most dominant Diva in wrestling history. Plus I really didn’t want to have to find something else to write about at the eleventh hour.
* – Yes, I said a moo point. It’s like a cow’s point of view. Who cares what a cow thinks?
Has anyone noticed that the Divas wrestling division in WWE is, well…kind of dead? Like, if it weren’t for that six second match on Smackdown between Natalya and Aksana I believe the Divas with the most screen time last week would have been a tossup between Eve crying over Zack Ryder and Brodus’ backup dancers?
Just for an experiment I called up the list of WWE Divas on WWE.com and tried to remember what all of them are up to. Play along!
Divas Champion Beth Phoenix – Until the eight-Diva filler match last night, had not been on TV since the TLC PPV. Last time she was mentioned at all was before Eve’s #1 Contender match that never happened due to Kane.
AJ – Daniel Bryan’s girlfriend.
Aksana – Teddy Long’s latest in a line of women who want to sleep with him and then try to kill him (one assumes). Finally wrestled her first WWE match (in this persona) Friday on Smackdown. It was six seconds long.
Alicia Fox – I think she was getting a push before TLC, she was K2’s partner in that Perez Hilton-related match, but that’s all I remember.
The Bella Twins – Pining after Alberto Del Rio.
Eve – Surgically attached to Zack Ryder despite having 1/100th the screen presence or charisma. Was almost #1 Contender to the Divas title for no explainable reason.
Kaitlyn – Had her heel turn against AJ edited off TV and hasn’t wrestled since.
Kelly Kelly – I’ll be honest, I fast-forwarded through Perez Hilton, but I assume she won that match. Probably with a rollup.
Natalya – Lost her best friend, lost to Aksana in six seconds, loses to Tamina a lot, apparently can’t control her bodily functions in public. Arguably the best wrestler actually on the roster (second-best at worst), of course.
Rosa Mendes – Jiggles her way to the ring behind the tag champs every week, so at least the implants are paying off.
Tamina – Apparently the only Diva actually getting pushed as a wrestler, but she only gets to wrestle Natalya for some reason.
Oh, and there’s Maxine on NXT who keeps choosing between dating Derek Bateman and Johnny Curtis. I know, it’s like Sophie’s Choice all over again. My point is, nobody wrestles, the only ones with screen presence are “with” the male Superstars in some form, and the champion had seemingly disappeared into the void until last night. Now that Kharma has made her surprising return at the Rumble, is there even be anything for her to return to?
Money For Nothing
So, they’ve revamped the WWE 2012 PPV schedule again, and I can’t help but imagine that it has something to do with the delay to WWE Network. Well, at least I won’t have to hear that dubstep commercial for a few more months. Anyway, Fatal 4-Way returns in June, TLC moves into July, and Bragging Rights slides into December. First, let me thank WWE for finally bringing PPV back to Toronto and deciding to give us Fatal 4-Way. I didn’t even get a chance to worry that I couldn’t afford tickets before they killed my interest!
Secondly, and perhaps more important if you aren’t me, sharp-eyed viewers might note what the missing PPV is: the same one that was voted Best PPV of 2011, Money in the Bank. Yes, it seems that WWE has grown tired of dealing with two brand-specific briefcases after only two years (which, arguably, was a year longer than anyone thought they’d bother with the concept), and are going back to having a single MITB match at WrestleMania. On one hand, this is a good idea from the perspective that it’s always a good match, it gets a bunch of guys a WrestleMania payday, and it helps slow down people getting burned out on MITB cash-ins, because frankly, there’s only so many stories you can write before the surprise and/or novelty is gone, especially once they finally burn off the first guy to cash in and lose. On the other hand, the MITB match lets the Creative team off the hook for Mania by just being able to take eight of their best midcarders and putting them in the match instead of having to actually come up with feuds or storylines. Which is nitpicking, I’ll admit, but I don’t see why they should get out of having to do their jobs.
On the third hand, I was never a fan of having two briefcases, and it’s not like the MITB PPV on its own wasn’t just as simple for the writing staff to book. Think about last year, the card contained five announced matches: two MITBs, the World and WWE title matches, and a bathroom break Divas title match. I don’t think anybody would have needed to put too much thought into that, and even then, if the WWE Title match isn’t CM Punk vs John Cena (because it could have easily just been Cena-Truth II given that WWE didn’t seem to have any idea who was going to challenge Cena that summer while they waited for Rock to come back), I don’t think it wins PPV of the Year just on the strength of the titular matches alone.
Not that Fatal 4-Way is going to be anything special. Damn you, WWE, I would have settled for Breaking Point coming back instead!
A very big win for Sheamus, although that probably goes without saying. With everyone focussed on Orton and Jericho, the man who’s been on a streak like nobody else in wrestling snuck in and stole the one thing that everyone wants: a title shot at WrestleMania. |
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Hey, look, it’s a way to beat stacked odds without just being full of righteous fury like John Cena! Punk puts Ziggler away as we all pretty much expected, next stop is the last real challenge to his belt before WrestleMania: The Elimination Chamber. |
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Briefly dominant in her return, which makes sense since she’s obviously not winning and also probably shouldn’t be going toe-to-toe with the men regularly. I’d say they’re not too upset with her pregnancy given how much offense they let her have while she was in there. Plus she beat up Cole. I always like people who do that. |
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Bryan ends up escaping with the title, as most assumed, but he played a good rag doll leading up to the finish. I do wish we could have gotten a longer match out of this, but Henry’s clearly not up to full-time wrestling. |
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Man, there’s going to be some serious repercussions for Ricardo when Del Rio gets back, you would think. Still, for a shining moment, he was the biggest face in the Rumble. |
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Want to know if WWE is truly behind this guy? They give him a squash match on PPV just to ensure that he gets to do his entire spiel instead of getting a quick spot in the actual Rumble match. |
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Clearly, the rampant “got your nose”-ings will continue until Cena agrees that it’s a very funny joke. Or gives into hate or something. |
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Miz got to be the Iron Man, but for my money Rhodes was more impressive despite lasting slightly less time overall. Would have been nice to see Goldust as one of the surprise entrants, just to see where it would go, though. |
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Did not at all look bad in getting beat by Punk, and like I said, completely deserves to have a legitimate World or WWE Title reign by the end of this year. Of course, I think we said that about John Morrison at the Rumble last year. |
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Speaking of gigantic babyfaces, we have Hacksaw making another return to the match he won the inaugural version of. Okay, that was a horribly constructed sentence. |
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Inactive List as of 01.23.12
WWE Raw
– Alberto Del Rio, out 6-8 weeks as of December 26th (ACL)
– Evan Bourne, out 60 days as of January 17th (Wellness)
– Kevin Nash, out 6 weeks as of December 18th (back)
– Kharma, out 9 months as of May 23rd (pregnancy)
– Rey Mysterio, out indefinitely as of August 23rd (knee surgeries)
WWE SmackDown
– AJ, out indefinitely as of January 6th (getting run over by Big Show)
– Christian, out 6-8 weeks as of November 13th (ankle)
– Layla El, out indefinitely as of May 23rd (ACL/MCL surgery)
– Sin Cara, out 6-9 months as of November 20th (ruptured patella)
TNA
– Chris Sabin, out indefinitely (shoulder)
– Ric Flair, out 4-6 months as of September 14th (tricep)
Transactions
– Hacksaw Jim Duggan, made special appearance at Royal Rumble PPV
– Kharma, RAW, returned to action at the Royal Rumble PPV
– Mark Henry, SD!, clearly should not be wrestling (hyperextended knee, groin, who knows what else)
– Road Dogg, made special appearance at Royal Rumble PPV
– Sting, TNA, day-to-day as of January 29th (heel)
– Zack Ryder, RAW, out indefinitely as of January 23rd (broken back herniated disk stinging sensation in lower back)
WWE
WWE Champion: CM Punk
– 71 day reign, defeated Alberto Del Rio on November 20th (Survivor Series PPV)
World Heavyweight Champion: Daniel Bryan
– 43 day reign, defeated The Big Show by cashing in Money in the Bank on December 18th (TLC PPV)
WWE Intercontinental Champion: Cody Rhodes
– 164 day reign, defeated Ezekiel Jackson on August 12th (Smackdown)
WWE United States Champion: Jack Swagger
– 14 day reign, defeated Zack Ryder on January 16th (Raw)
WWE Tag Team Champions: Epico and Primo
– 15 day reign, defeated Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne on January 15th (house show)
WWE Divas’ Champion: Beth Phoenix
– 113 day reign, defeated Kelly Kelly on October 2nd (Hell in a Cell PPV)
TNA
TNA Heavyweight Champion: Bobby Roode
– 88 day reign, defeated James Storm on November 3rd (Impact)
TNA Tag Team Champions: Crimson and Matt Morgan
– 74 day reign, defeated Mexican America on November 17th (Impact)
TNA X-Division Champion: Austin Aries
– 134 day reign, defeated Brian Kendrick on September 11th (No Surrender PPV)
– Next title defense: vs Alex Shelley, Against All Odds PPV
TNA Knockouts Champion: Gail Kim
– 78 day reign, defeated Velvet Sky on November 13th (Turning Point PPV)
– Next title defense: vs Tara, Against All Odds PPV
TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions: Gail Kim and Madison Rayne
– 88 day reign, defeated Miss Tessmacher and Tara on November 3rd (Impact)
TNA Television Champion: Robbie E
– 78 day reign, defeated Eric Young on November 13th (Turning Point PPV)
De Marco has The Wrestling 5&1.
Martell has the very last Triple Threat ever.
Frame has The Wrestling Framework.
Kirk has The Wrestling Sandwich.
Ari has Column of Honor.
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That’s our show, That Damned Cook is in tomorrow, I will be back next week. Plus, don’t forget to look for me this Tuesday in the Games Zone for Four Player Co-op.
Here it is, your Moment of Buddy
Buddy Has Had Enough Winter.
Let’s Move On To Spring.
Have a good one, and always be a fan.
