wrestling / Columns
Thursday Sports Entertainment News Report 03.08.12
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Posted By: Beefa (Guest) on March 02, 2012 at 06:57 PM
Good, because no one wants to hear it, BEEFA! BEEEEFFFFAAAAAA!!
Bowties are cool
Posted By: The Doctor (Guest) on March 03, 2012 at 07:50 PM
A Doctor Who/David Otunga reference. You, my friend, are a mad genius.
…The BIGGEST asset he [Rock] has is NOSTALGIA. Plain and simple. He was never a great wrestler – don’t even joke. He had the same number of moves as Hogan. His promos have been repetitive and boring. I am so sick of what is trending(when it actually isn’t). The crib notes on the wrist were hilarious.
John Cena on the other hand was not born into the business. He worked his way up, starting at the bottom and EARNED the right to main event. He is a walking printing press for WWE. He stepped up and VOLUNTEERED to step up when Vince asked – and he has backed it up every single time – in and out of the ring.
You want to talk about commitments outside the ring?? Yes he makes low budget movies, does interviews, but he’s also is a Make-A-Wish Ambassador who has granted over 200 wishes – more than any other celebrity/athlete. Yet he still manages to show up EACH AND EVERY NIGHT AND WORK HIS ASS OFF TO GIVE THE FANS THE BEST SHOW POSSIBLE….
Posted By: CeNation>Team Bring It (Guest) on March 02, 2012 at 10:00 PM
I have to admit, you have a good point. Rock was born into the industry and Cena had to earn his spot. Lest we all forget, The Rock was booed even more viciously then Cena upon his debut. As human beings, I believe the Rock to be a decent guy, but Cena goes above and beyond, especially when it comes to charitable causes like the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Check out The John Cena Experience on Netflix Streaming or DVD. Gives you a whole new appreciation for the man.
if i said why i disagree with your articles, you will just not accept the comment and it wont be seen.
Posted By: Guest#5038 (Guest) on March 02, 2012 at 12:18 AM
So…he doesnt allow comments critising him, but he allows comments pointing out that he doesnt allow them? Makes sense. Maybe it’s all part of his evil plan?
Posted By: Cussler (Guest) on March 02, 2012 at 08:34 AM
Newsflash, people, I don’t have any control over what comments get approved or denied. I don’t even know who does. It’s all a mysterious process, where the benevolent Comment Gods shower their wisdom upon us in the form of anonymous judgment. Let’s test the limits this week – post your most offensive comments and we’ll see what gets through! Whee!
Greetings folks, and welcome to the latest edition of Friday Thursday Sports Entertainment! The powers-that-be here at 411 loved my work so much that they begged, BEGGED me to take the Thursday News spot. It ‘s not at all because I am transitioning to a News format due to the fact that writing 3,000 words on a unique topic every week is hard. THAT’S NOT THE REASON AT ALL.
For those of you not familiar with the column, each Friday I’d take a topic and explore it from a more contrarian “Sports Entertainment” angle, For example, past topics include:
CeNation vs. Team Bring It: Who’s Right?
Why CM Punk is a bully and Johnny Ace is misunderstood
We’re tweaking the format a bit, so now the column:
a) Is on Thursdays
b) Covers the latest Sports Entertainment (well, WWE) News and
c) Has all the other stuff from the old column
Not bad, right? All for the low, low price of NADA! Now, onto the news!
NEWS OF THE WORLD (WRESTLING ENTERTAINMENT)
Eve posted to her official website talking about her character that she’s playing on TV. She wrote, “I know all of you have been tuning into Monday Night Raw every Monday on USA, but here is a brief recap of some of the recent developments in my character…How can anyone blame me for my actions?? This is the beginning of a new era for Eve Torres, and I don’t regret a thing!”
She may be a horrible actress, but this “hoeski” angle is the best thing that ever happened to Eve Torres. She went from being just another generic smiling face to someone with an actual character. The storyline possibilities are endless for this type of gimmick – she’ll get plenty of TV time and can help get a number of male Superstars over. If only the WWE could give some of the other Divas bankable gimmicks, maybe the division wouldn’t be so dreadful!
Brodus Clay was backstage at RAW last night but again wasn’t used.
Arrgh! Why not put the Funkasaurus out there? I can understand not wanting to overuse the character, but c’mon. Is a squash match every two weeks too much to ask? He can work on smoothing out those rough edges that are keeping him off TV on his off days – and people aren’t likely to get hurt in his standard 30 second matches. The Funkasaurus gimmick got instantly over, and I’m hoping they don’t kill his momentum at such a crucial time. Funk is on a roll!
Curt Hawkins posted the following on Twitter…
So @WWEMcGillicutty & I just got pulled over by Rhode Island State Troopers. They recognized us from #NXT …They let us slide.
So we’re supposed to believe that a State Trooper recognized two jobbers from an internet-only wrestling show and likes them so much that he let them off with a warning? Um, sure. I think Hawkins needs another wellness test…
According to TMZ, a sex tape featuring Hulk Hogan has surfaced and is being shopped around to porn distributors. TMZ says they have watched the footage, which is grainy, and features Hogan with an unidentified brunette, so it is not his ex-wife Linda or new wife Jennifer McDaniel.
The tape features the Hulkster stripping down, and saying to his lady friend, “I started to work out again,” as he runs his hands through his hair. Hogan also shows off his thong shaped tan line.
Vivid head Steve Hirsch has confirmed that the tape was brought to him through a third party, but at this time, it has not been confirmed if someone has purchased the tape.
Wow. Just…wow. You know, sometimes a guy takes over a Thursday wrestling news spot, and the Wrestling Gods smile down upon him with a doozy of a story that breaks on Wednesday. (Thanks , JBL!)
Immediately after reading that juicy tidbit, I started making all sorts of Hulk Hogan sex tape jokes in my head. It’s almost too easy. Thankfully, the creative readers at 411 more than stepped up to the plate in the comments section on this story, sparing me the effort of having to crack wise on the poor Hulkster. Here are a few of my favorites:
Let me tell ya brother …this is where the power lies … (Hulk now points to his crotch)
Posted By: LMAO (Guest) on March 07, 2012 at 08:38 AM
Hands through his hair? So there’s no tape.
Posted By: Guest#0456 (Guest) on March 07, 2012 at 08:39 AM
I bet hogan was on top the whole tape. He refuses to lie down for anyone.
Posted By: hulkamaniac (Guest) on March 07, 2012 at 09:30 AM
I hear when he finishes he spray paints “nWo” on her back
Posted By: Guest#7757 (Guest) on March 07, 2012 at 10:06 AM
I really have no desire to see Hulk Hogan drop his third leg on anyone.
Posted By: Nick M. (Guest) on March 07, 2012 at 10:42 AM
I bet Hogan is crap in bed because he only has 3 moves
Posted By: Clunge Monkey (Guest) on March 07, 2012 at 12:30 PM
When it comes crashing down and it hurts inside….
Posted By: Guest#8504 (Guest) on March 07, 2012 at 12:44 PM
Bravo, my friends. Bravo. You’ve come through yet again. Of course, there were also obligatory references to Brutus Beefcake, the “fingerpoke of doom,” Hulking up, his 24 or 2.4 inch python, etc. Classic.
So now we’ve had Chyna, X-Pac and Hulk Hogan in skin flicks. Who’s next? Anyone care to predict? If HHH and Stephanie ever came out with a sex tape, I think the internet would explode.
And guess what? I have an exclusive still from that very sex tape to show you! Here it is!
– According to reports, the feeling backstage among the wrestlers is the John Cena is winning the war of words against the Rock. Many feel that Cena has stepped up his game in recent weeks.
Word is that most of what both guys are saying in their promos is material and ideas they have come up with and not directives from creative.
I would have to agree. While the Rock’s “History Lessons” were entertaining, Cena, improbably, seems to have the upper hand in the promo wars thus far. This brings me to an interesting point that my Twitter pal @FGoodish made about this past Monday’s Raw. Take it away, @FGoodish!
@FGOODISH SAYS…
Rock tries to get serious, and Cena smugly smirks his whole way through it. People will defend it, but I think it was bullshit. #raw
I responded with the following:
Rock said Cena’d be his bitch – how would you expect Cena to react? Cry? Say “No I won’t!” Laughing is an acceptable response
To which he said over the course of several tweets:
Dude, he was doing it the whole time. Rock said that last. Cena reacted the same way he reacts when the crowd boos him, phony smiles. this is probably all a work, who knows, but if it’s not, Cena is being unprofessional. Cena is just taking a page out of Hhh’s book, smugly, sarcastically, joking, as if he is above it all. It could be better. Cena cuts that very serious promo, then comes out, says he wants the very best Rock, Rock comes out all serious, Cena acts like its a joke. There is a disconnect there. Surprised you don’t see it.
He has a good point about the disconnect between the extremely serious, empty arena, voiceover promo video that Cena did vs. the cavalier Cena we got at the end of RAW. But still. Me being a smartass, I responded with the following:
ah, but Cena’s latest credo is Rise Above Hate. It is truer to his character to not react emotionally to Rock’s hateful comments. Grinning is a defense mechanism, much like deriding his own outfits or private school background. grinning is also, like you said, disrespectful. Cena’s openly said he does not respect the Rock.
To which @FGoodish replied:
I said unprofessional, not disrespectful. Big difference. Your arguments are being clouded by your bias. Rock makes fun of people, thats what he does. Cena is a walking, talking, smirking, boo inducing, defense mechanism. Again, I like Cena, but history speaks for itself. Are you a fucking lawyer. Lol. Cena has not risen above in this situation. He, and the machine simply lowered the bar. Rock is the bar.
He very well could be right about lowering the bar in this feud to make Cena look strong. If recent rumors are true, and they had the Rock put the crib notes on his wrist as a plot device to give Cena some ammo, then they are doing everyone a disservice by watering down the Rock. The funny part is, it’s working. I was surprised that a smart crowd like Boston chanted “Tooth Fairy” at the Rock this past Monday, especially after how Rocky had them in the palm of his hand the entire night.
What do you say, readers? Do you think Cena was unprofessional in the way he smirked through the Rock’s in-ring promo, especially after that serious pre-recorded video that aired earlier? Is the WWE lowering the bar so Cena can look good against The Great One? Comment below!
TITLE BELTS – WORTHLESS?
This week, we’ll be taking a look at Wrestling titles, and why they don’t really mean so much in the grand scheme of things.
In film lingo, there’s a term called “The MacGuffin.” Ever hear of it? For those of you that haven’t, here’s the Wikipedia definition:
In fiction, a MacGuffin (sometimes McGuffin or maguffin) is a plot device in the form of some goal, desired object, or other motivator that the protagonist (and sometimes the antagonist) is willing to do and sacrifice almost anything to pursue, often with little or no narrative explanation as to why it is considered so desirable. A MacGuffin, therefore, functions merely as “a plot element that catches the viewers’ attention or drives the plot of a work of fiction.” In fact, the specific nature of the MacGuffin may be ambiguous, undefined, generic, left open to interpretation or otherwise completely unimportant to the plot. Common examples are money, victory, glory, survival, a source of power, a potential threat, a mysterious but highly desired item or object, or simply something that is entirely unexplained.
The examples that spring to my mind are the MacGuffins in the Indiana Jones series. Namely, The Ark of the Covenant, the Sacred Stones, The Holy Grail and the Crystal Skulls. All of these are items of enormous perceived value that Indy nearly kills himself trying to attain. Moreover, even though Indiana Jones is considered one of the top action heroes of all time, in a conventional sense, he’s an enormous failure. Think about it – with all the danger and risk to his personal well being that Indiana Jones suffers over the course of four movies, Indy never gets to keep any of the MacGuffins he so desperately tries to recover! At the end of every film, he returns to civilization with nothing to show for his travels other than numerous injuries.
So why do we love Indy so much? Because all the fun lies in the journey he undertakes to try and obtain each MacGuffin. His character is revealed with every action he takes, with each bullet he dodges, and with each Nazi he tosses off a blimp.
With this in mind, I submit to you, dear reader, that Wrestling Championship belts are merely Sports Entertainment MacGuffins. These days, people treat titles like sacred objects. People scoffed when the WWE title was hotshotted between Punk, Cena, Mysterio and Del Rio over the summer. They groan when the Intercontinental title isn’t defended regularly. And let’s not even talk about the Tag Titles – those have so little value these days that you couldn’t pawn them for gas money.
What people forget is that titles are important for one thing and one thing only – to move the plot forward. They give two men something to fight over. That’s it. They don’t inherently have any value. Holding a wrestling title doesn’t mean anything given wrestling’s scripted nature. No Superstar truly “earns” their reign as they haven’t beaten anyone in a legitimate competition. Unlike boxing and MMA, where fighters have to legitimately defeat an opponent to become champion, in wrestling, title reigns are generally awarded for one of two reasons:
Reason 1 – As a culmination of a Superstar’s climb to the top of the ladder. These are the title wins we remember. They usually come at the end of a long, steady climb to the top of the food chain, where fan support is so strong that it’s a no brainer to award a wrestler with the biggest prize in the industry. Examples include Stone Cold Steve Austin beating Shawn Michaels at WrestleMania XIV & CM Punk beating John Cena at this past Summer’s Money in the Bank PPV. Titles are given as a reward for months, if not years, of hard work and as recognition of being the top guy who can carry the company on his shoulders. And yes, I am aware that Punk won the World Heavyweight strap before MitB, but that wasn’t because he was being rewarded for getting over so spectacularly. He got those reigns for the other reason, namely…
Reason 2 – Titles are also awarded to someone to help them become perceived as a top guy. In this case, they’re used as a tool to get someone over who isn’t quite there yet. Daniel Bryan is a perfect example of this. Before winning the belt, he wasn’t exactly setting the world on fire as a character. He had great matches, yes, but he wasn’t showing any personality. Since winning the title, he’s gotten over his “YES! YES! YES!” shtick, emphasized his being a vegan and a role model, and has displayed more personality in 3 months than he has in the last 2 years. HHH’s first title win was like this as well, where it helped establish him as someone worthy of holding the belt, even though the world wasn’t clamoring for The Game to be the top guy.
Here’s another tidbit to help bolster the argument that titles aren’t so important – the top two matches at WrestleMania XXVIII are not for titles. Without question, Cena/Rock and Taker/HHH are the main events, with the WWE and World Heavyweight bouts being ranked 3rd and 4th, respectively. Also, in WrestleMania XXVI, the last match of the night was not for a title either, but was a Streak vs. Career match between Undertaker and Shawn Michaels. In two of the last three years, the biggest event in all of Sports Entertainment ended with non-title matches. What does that tell you?
Still not convinced? OK, how about this:
While in the WWE, Roddy Piper, Ted DiBiase, Mr. Perfect, and Jake Roberts never held a top title.
While in the WWE, The Great Khali, Jack Swagger and Vince McMahon have all held top titles.
If they so desired, the WWE could have Hornswoggle go over CM Punk at a house show and win the WWE title. (Which they would totally do if it made financial sense). People would immediately cry foul, saying that such a win “devalues” the title. Perhaps, but such an event would generate publicity and possibly attract more viewers, which is the ultimate goal. Hornswoggle winning the title does not matter as much as what happens after he wins it. Will everyone in the company line up to try and get a shot at an easy title win? What would CM Punk do? How long can Hornswoggle possibly hold the belt?
In this rather silly scenario, my point is that the title’s value is determined by what excitement/buzz the titleholder can generate following his win. Much like Indiana Jones, the journey in obtaining and retaining the MacGuffin is far more important than the MacGuffin itself. The same goes for the top titles – the titles themselves are props, and what matters most is the journey one takes to obtain them, and what they are willing to do to keep them. In such moments, character is revealed, and character is why we care about these men and women to begin with.
I do believe that the titles hold a sense of prestige, but only because they’ve been built that way for the purposes of being an effective MacGuffin. Their true value lies in the fact that they are objects that grown men can pretend to fight over. Treating them as sacred relics is silly. Of course, the Superstars should treat titles like the most important things in the world, because that’s just good storytelling, but as fans we shouldn’t gripe so much if the title switches too much or too little, if it makes the story better, then so what?
What’s your take, readers? Do wrestling titles have inherent value? Or are they simply wrestling’s MacGuffin? Discuss in the comment section below!
NON-SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT THING OF THE WEEK
The Non-Sports Entertainment Thing of the Week for this week is brought to you by the good folks of Hannah Barbara. It seems that they let a little innuendo get by in an episode of the Flintstones, which surprised me so much I had to check to make sure it wasn’t a hoax. From what I can tell, the footage is the real deal, and it’s too funny not to share:
YOUR SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT TWITTER #FOLLOWTHURSDAY OF THE WEEK
Yeah, it’s supposed to be #FollowFriday, but I’ve been moved to Thursdays and like this segment. What’s a boy to do?
This week, your Sports Entertainment #FollowThursday is @BobbyHeenanSaid!
This twitter feed posts quotes from the greatest manager and commentator of all time: Bobby “The Brain” Heenan. Think of this twitter feed as a respite from Michael Cole’s irritating commentary that we must endure every week. Some recent tweets from @BobbyHeenanSaid include:
“Virgil’s Mom wanted a girl and his Dad wanted a boy, they were both happy.”
“Lou Ferigno talks pretty well for a guy with a mouth full of crackers.”
(During Bret vs. Yokozuna @ WrestleMania 9) – “The fans are chanting USA. One guy’s from Canada, the others from Japan.”
“If women were meant to be wrestlers, why do we have kitchens?”
@BobbyHeenanSaid! , everyone! Give ‘em a follow today, will ya?
And of course, follow all the 411 stuff on Twitter! #spon
http://www.twitter.com/411mania
http://www.twitter.com/411wrestling
http://www.twitter.com/411moviestv
http://www.twitter.com/411music
http://www.twitter.com/411games
http://www.twitter.com/411mma
PLUGGING ALONG
SIGNING OFF
That’s a wrap for this week. Make sure you leave your comments below, follow @BobbyHeenanSaid! and 411 on Twitter, and check out Barney Rubble’s filthy, filthy mind.
Hasta Jueves,
This is Sean
